Wow, that was big to be able to say. I never could manage to do that. Sometimes, it seems like I go out of my way to look for others needs to meet as I ignore my own. Therapy has been a very confusing place, because T can't need me and I need him so much...it is a context outside of anything I've ever experienced. I guess a context I was SUPPOSED to experience as a child, but didn't. Ugh.

I hope you get some free time to just take care of you. I know what it's like to be on perpetual burnout.

((((df)))

i don't have any real words of advice. i have struggled with this at times. one thing that helps me shift my thinking, or at least my actions, is remembering this: others need me to say no. (and they do) they need to you to take care of you, they will be ok if you say no (even though they may say otherwise) and for you to not enable stuff. they need you to say no, have boundaries... that kind of stuff. (not all the time - but when you are trying to make such a shift, saying no at all can be hard and it's unlikely you will say no when you should have said yes.)

ok, so this kind of thinking and logic - they need you to say no to them - its still about what they need, and not what i need, but for me, it's a step towards shifting my co-dependent thinking.

sometimes, another part of making the shift away from co-dependency, is sitting with our own pain. as we learn to sit with our own pain, it gets easier to say no to others. it's painful to say no, and we don't want others to hurt like we have - but how we have hurt to have needs not meet, is not nessecarily how they hurt when we say no.

i have had co-dependent family members try to rescue me, and i'm so stubborn i wouldn't let them, and they rejected me because they couldn't sit with the pain that they couldn't rescue me (either because it wasn't possible to rescue me or because i wouldn't let them rescue me.) my T has explained, that is about them... and their ability to sit with how they can't solve and fix and meet everyone's needs...

i am co-dependent myself, especially with my mom. there are times i need to say no and it is very hard. but i have learned, she needs me to say no at times. i don't know how to explain it very well. when i say no to her, it is hard because i don't want her to hurt. it hurts me when she hurts. i love her and i don't want her to hurt. it also reminds me of my own hurt. but over the long run, she hurts less (me too) if i don't always say yes, especially when saying yes would have enabled her to do dysfunctional stuff.

and it is begining to leave room for me to say yes to the right things and take care of me - and my mom - in ways that are a lot healthier.

eh, none of this may help or apply at all...

it's tough.

quote:

This week someone asked me what I needed from them this week (since they were so relaxed my boss wasn't in - how nice for them) and I told them I need you to need as little as possible from me. If something is urgent or something only I can do then please contact me otherwise figure it out or wait until next week when the boss is back and I have more time.

YAY!!! that was a big thing to do and say. way to go! it's a lot of things like that!

~ jd

p.s. edited to fix some spelling errors.