I understand how it can feel crazy to know the logical thing is to just stop doing something and still be unable to do it. I struggle with that a lot. I would think your T is glad you are writing her and it does not sound excessive to me.

((((DF))))

I normally do those types of behaviors pretty consciously, so I can imagine how awful it would feel to struggle with unconscious motivations. I'm so sorry that I don't know anything that could help, but I'm really glad that you emailed your T even if you feel ashamed for it (I'm sure your T would mention if it was a problem). Keep posting if it helps and let us know how you are doing.

DF, i'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now... I know the feeling so well. The only advice I can give you is related to what you say about 'not having emotions you are consciously aware of'. In the end, what I've found most useful is actually finding out what I am feeling when the ED surfaces...what is the emotion/feeling I don't want to feel (or ignore/bury) by eating/not eating etc etc. Do I feel stress? -> I exercise. Do I feel tired? -> I nap. Am I sad? -> call a friend. For any emotion/feeling that I always used to ignore, I consciously listed activities that are healthier ways of coping with them. And, as with everything else, these coping mechanisms become auto-responses too. It takes a while, and I did have to start at a very basic level.

You say that you have the skills to prevent behaviors, so maybe this isn't helpful to you, but I just wanted to put in my 2cents. Take care, DF!

quote:

It's like there is me... and then this overlay on top of me that is driving the ship so to speak. It's not as simple as making the choice not to and I know that sounds like a lazy copout but seriously it's the most crazy feeling ever

This overlay feeling sounds kind of like the pushed back feeling I started getting right before I began SI behaviors (and still happens to me when they are coming on). It feels like you SHOULD have control, but you don't...which can make you hate yourself. You can see what you're doing. You know you need to stop, but somehow you can't or all the desire to be healthy is absent from the part that's on the surface calling the shots. Is that how it feels? ((((DF)))) I'm really sorry. I hope you can surface from this feeling. The only thing I found that has helped me wait it out without too much acting out is to "talk" to the surface and just say simple things like, "It's OK." I found trying to stop that part just brought on more shame, but being told, "It's OK," was calming and minimized the behavior. Though, your parts may like different messages than my parts. Mine just don't want to be told what to do.

(((DF))))

I can relate to every word you wrote, so much so that its as though I could have written it. I have been dealing with this a lot in therapy this past week.

I think it takes a very conscious effort to "be present" and slow down, turn off autopilot, and identify what is going on for you. It is very easy to slip back into unhealthy behaviors once your autopilot has kicked in, so whatever you can do to shut it off...give it a try.

((((DF)))) Short on words that might help, but lots of hugs your way.

Oh no! I'm sure they don't, but I can understand how you would feel that way, because I sent T about three texts today accusing him of exactly those sorts of feelings/thoughts. More hugs. From my perspective, it would be impossible to hate you. ((((DF))))

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
Thanks yaku!!

I'm going through one of those... 99% sure my Ts hate me and hope I go die in a hole somewhere days.

Oh, I have those days too. I'm convinced that T1 is annoyed with me and wants me to fall in love with T2 so I will leave T1 alone.

DF,

It sounds like dissociation to me all the way around. When I SI, at times I can be aware it is happening, but have no control over it. Usually it is because I'm not the part most forward. I'm forward enough to see it happening, but not forward enough to stop it from happening.

Your T's don't hate you. I know you know this, but I'm sorry it feels like they do.

(((hugs)))

Hope today has gotten a bit more present-focused and grounded DF!!

(((DF)))

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
Cute new avatar, STRM

I thought I was over all this dissociation stuff I guess not. I dunno if I should call my regular T since we did EMDR this week or what. I mean there is nothing she can really do LOL

I just want to be present, dammit!!

(((hugs)))

That sentence up there in bold is a HUGE clue to me that it is probably dissociation because EMDR has a tendency to remove dissociative barriers. In other words, prior to this session perhaps there was a barrier which prevented you from feeling the feelings of this other part, but now that barrier has been degraded some and you are feeling the feelings, but feel out of control of them because they don't belong to you. I'm totally speculating here so feel free to throw me out on my ear!

DF
I think your WAY underestimating the affect of the stress you're under. Our minds like sure things and that means when the ante goes up and things feel more overwhelming we do start running on autopilot. And autopilot means the stuff that's the deepest and longest used stuff. Which for people like us usually means reverting to old destructive behaviors unfortunatley. That's the whole point of why this stuff is so hard to change, because we're so often not working out of conscious intention, it's the stuff that sneaks past our higher cognitive functions. It's a true sign of progress that you're CATCHING this. That proves you're more aware of your behaviors and trying to become conscious of them and change them. Definitley a two steps forward, one step back kind of process. The most important thing is attempting to be gentle with yourself (I know how naturally that comes to you. ) You haven't failed until you give up.

And you are so not contacting your T too much! I spent at least a year and a half to two years where I literally NEVER made it between appts without contacting my T and it would often be more than once. It's really not alot. And I know it's hard, but you can trust your T to hold that boundary and let you know if its too much. Which it really isn't.

If it will make you feel any better, I've been calling or emailing my T once a week and I'm not even actively working in therapy right now.

AG

Ummm, what STRM said. She's one smart dinkum thinkum. (and it is a very cool avatar STRM!)

Yeah, take it from the person who texts their T daily (though, admittedly HIS idea), you do not contact your T too much. And they would tell you if that were the case.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
Ummm, what STRM said. She's one smart dinkum thinkum. (and it is a very cool avatar STRM!)

Now that's a phrase I haven't heard in a while!

Thanks, I pretty much feel like I'm drowning so the cartoon dude poking the fish seemed fitting.

Oh and DF...you don't contact your T too much!! Not at all.

DF,

If you had just had surgery and you were having a normal reaction to the surgery, would you think you were a cop-out? I'm guessing not. EMDR is a technique that changes your brain. You aren't using the effects as a cop-out. I'm sure that your T is well versed in the after effects of EMDR. She will understand and they do accept you. I understand that it doesn't feel like that though and that is hard to deal with.

DF
I HATE those kinds of dreams. I've made emergency phone calls to my T after dreams like that. I had one in which we were in the middle of a session and he suddenly stood up and said "excuse me, I'll be right back" and walked out and never came back. I felt like an idiot but couldn't shake the feeling, so I called my T. That darling man actually audibly winced when I told him about the dream and reassured me he was still there. I always assume when my subsconscious gets in on the action, I can't talk myself out of the feelings. The only thing that's going to help is contact.

BTW my patented phone call goes like this:

T: What's up?

Me: I just needed to connect. It feels like you're mad at me, are you mad at me?

T: No I'm not mad, I'm glad you called.

ME: Thanks.

T: Take care

Call duration 40 seconds. I used to feel like an idiot until I realized cutting right to the chase saved us both time. And my T always told me it was great that I was honest about why I was calling and didn't make things up. That it was actually theraputic that I learn to reach out when I needed something and have that need met.

And your subconscious really is funny.

STRM
Glad you liked thinkum dinkum. Pretty sure I stole that one from Heinlein. Always fond of the phrase.

quote:

Originally posted by deepfried:
Mentioning for next to no reason as I'm getting read to go lay by the pool to calm my crazy nerves... but I had a dream about regular T this afternoon while I napped.

She was a t-rex (kinda funny cuz it's t-rex I guess I just got the joke, thanks funny subconscious oh hahaa...) and basically I was trying to talk to her and... since I wasn't speaking rexese we really didn't get eachother

T-rex, lol! Your subconscious is very clever!

Were you scared of the T-rex in the dream?

Its funny how "normal" things appear in dreams. its only until we wake up that we are like, "WTF?" but not once in a dream have I been like, "hello, this is not normal!" Everything makes sense in dreamland.

The weirdest was that my T was actually my aunt who was using holographic projection to pretend to be a T. T is probably at least 6'2", gray beard, completely bald. My aunt is like 5'2", curly black hair (and obviously female). WTF, brain! Most of my dreams about T are horribly bad, but I've had a couple where just the memory of that connectedness is kind of sustaining.

DF,

Ha ha, T-rex. That's a good one. I'm sorry the dream was unsettling for you though. Your dream about the bathroom and the mote...maybe if it is related to bulimia at all it represents feeling like you can't escape? I don't know, but it sounds like it was pretty vivid.

I had a dream about my T the other night. I called her needing another session and she said she would meet me at her office. I went there and the office was all different and the T was a man. She called me while I was there and said, "oh, that's my brother. He can see you. I'm too busy. We're family so it's okay." Weird and random.

((((DF))))

I'm so sorry you are experiencing all of this ED anxiety right now. I know you are terrified to eat, but I'm wondering if you are setting yourself up for a binge by skipping meals?

((((DF))))

I'm so glad that the phone call with your T helped. How did it end up going? Did the walk help? Regardless, I hope today is a little easier for you.

And EDs do suck. Endless hugs to you!

That's so great, DF. I hope you're proud of yourself for staying mindful and making it through the evening. Enjoy lunch with your friend this afternoon!

I'm doing okay, DF..thanks. Just struggling a lot with ED stuff too, so I know how difficult it is. ((((DF))))

So glad your T was so attuned and able help you settle a bit. ((((DF)))

((((Kashley)))) Sorry to hear you're struggling too.

I'm happy to hear that today was so much better for you, DF. I can relate to how shameful it can feel to talk about ED stuff with our Ts, so I am very proud of you for reaching out to your T yesterday and talking about your feelings in the moment. That's a huge step!!

Thanks DF. I still have a hard time talking about this stuff.. Anyway, I'm so glad that today was so much better. I got warm feelings when you described how it felt with your T.

I'm glad you had such a healing session and T was able to get you into such a self-aware place. A massage sounds like such a good idea. I hope you make the time to follow through with it. Sorry have have to go back to work. (((hugs to you)))

DF,

So glad that you saw T and it helped! Sorry about the headache. Good for you being so open with T.

Hope you had a good lunch and soon a good dinner.