(((((PF)))))

I hate goodbyes. My eq T, at every session, always says "ok, we have just a few minutes left…" and some version of: "do what you need to do to before we end/close/to say goodbye to the horses." It's like a lot of little mini-good byes. Sometimes I know what I want to do, but usually I don't. It still helps to try different things.

I was watching the US version of the Office yesterday, and there is a sweet scene that totally made me cry (yes, cry) as one of the characters said bye to Michael Scott.
I have a very hard time with goodbyes. They are hard. Sudden or with time and advance notice – both are terribly hard. I think it takes a lot of courage to face one in advance, and is much more healing over time.

I have a pretty good feeling your T will remember you really well. (You are such a kind sweet soul!) She has invested in you a lot and cares about you a lot. It feels like you are graduating to the next level in your healing by leaving her… and it’s painfully bittersweet, just like any good bye. I think it is not easy at all for Ts. Not one bit. Even when – or perhaps especially when – the client is “challenging.” They didn’t become a T just to help those who were simple. I don’t think you were a challenge in any bad way, but in a way that probably helped your T grow a lot too.
I remember when I had to say goodbye to a treatment center I was at. There was a time where I got to say what the place meant to me, and what they thought of me (which was way more kind than I expected.) It helped me to let go to have that time to say what I needed to say before I left.

I think it is really good that you are taking some time to say goodbye, even though it is really painful too. I agree with FOT that planning something good and fun and that connects with people (even coming on here and posting) afterwards helps when I have tough goodbyes.

I just said goodbye to a friend last week who is moving away and it killed my heart but I loved the time we spent together laughing and getting teared up. I miss her already.

Is there anything you want to say to your T or about your time with her before you leave?

lots of hugs to you,
~ jd

(((Frosty))) I really have no wisdom about goodbyes. I am awful with them and have avoided pretty much any attachments that weren't absolutely necessary to avoid them. I bawl like a little baby when my H goes on business trips for a couple of weeks. He is about the only person it ever matters enough that I won't see for a while...until T. I don't think you're forgettable. I figure Ts are kind of like teachers, but more one-on-one. I have elementary school through high school teachers who STILL remember me, at least vaguely, when I run into them. And I'm 30! I'm sure there is a place in your T's heart where you will reside even after you go. Her work with you sounds like it was challenging and rewarding, something she has been learning from, and that isn't something that just disappears or evaporates once you're not seeing her every week.

Frosty, I wish I had some insightful and empathic words to write to you about this – I just don’t have the experience of saying goodbye in situations such as this. Mostly I just get left, or the partings are sudden and not anticipated so can’t be thought about much beforehand.

I do get though how painful it is for you, especially as you’re not really sure yet that you want to leave, so there’s a lot of ambivalence here too. Like the others I really do believe that you HAVE made a positive impact on your T and that she’s not going to forget you the moment you walk out the door. But I’m not sure how you’re ever going to know that

What might be an idea is what you picked up on in JD’s post, perhaps you could be brave enough to ask your T to tell you what she thinks of you, not just in a therapeutic sense (ie oh well I think you have x or y or z a problem) but on a personal level. Despite your fears and utter conviction that she sees only negative things about you, I will guarantee that she sees a lot of positive qualities in you and that she responds to the good in you that she sees, as such and being a T I think she would tell you sincerely the good things she thinks and feels about you that wouldn’t just be saying something to make you feel better. Especially if you were able to tell her why you needed to hear it. That way maybe you would be able to take away a sense of having mattered to her – which might overcome this feeling of you vanishing from existence the moment you no longer see her?

Wow is your mother really coming to a session with you? Has that been planned for some time, or is it because of the issue of potentially finishing up soon? It just seems an odd thing to be doing if you’re thinking of not continuing with this T (which from what you’ve said in your first post, sounds like that’s your decision.)

You hang in there Frosty, and try and take in that actually you are a very memorable person (in a positive way!) maybe soon you’ll be able to start believing that

LL

Frosty,

I have no idea of anything to add to what has already been said. I can simply imagine how difficult this is for you now and want to send you a big hug (((((((frosty)))))))

starfish

I have to dash out but I planned my ending with the ex c very carefully. I wrote a letter with all the things that I thought were helpful in what we had done together. I also made a card thanking her. I gave her several very small gifts, each symbolising something about the time we had and I asked her to also focus on the good things - so that I felt affirmed.

My ending was not like yours, as she had terminated with me in a terrible way, with lots of countertransference issues going in from her side, but she remained in denial of that. So just not the same.

Your ending could be really sweet and something lovely to remember and turn to for support when you need it.

You can also ask her if ALL contact is cut. I stopped seeing my first T 23 years ago, but I still phone her occasionally and she has come to visit at least once if not twice and I have visited her a couple of times. So find out what her boundaries are. She might allow you to send her an email updating your progress, once in a while.

((((((frosty))))))
xx M

I did n't really find closure I am afraid PF, I hurt hugely afterwards for about three months.

But the T's who did not terminate ME, I ended well with. I would ask your T about the ending, whether it truly means all contact or can you send an email now and again. That really helps. I have just received an email yesterday from my old T of 1988-9, who said I can phone her this evening. I have always been helped by knowing she is there. She is definitely an attachment figure to me.

My current P is an attachment figure too, big time, so I am just hoping when we eventually end, he will be kind to me and let me phone or email him occasionally otherwise I shall feel abandoned again unless my inner psyche has healed completely.

good luck this week with the session. Remember you do matter to her. Try letting that in.

frosty,
Goodbyes are painful and there is just no way (healthy at least ) around that. I hope you are able to close with your T in a meaningful way and you can say whatever things you need to say before you leave. I am so sorry you are facing this. I know how much it hurts. ry to remember you are not alone. (((frosty))))
sea

Yeah I cannot imagine the goodbye scene for me. I have been with my therapist for 19 years but she is now 67 and although she now only works part time and says she is very happy, content working as she is I worry something might unexpectedly happen to her or that she does retire which she will someday. She has always told me and even written down for me that she will never anbandone me ever. I still worry about losing this "mother" figure in my life. She has told me that she knows that I will always need to have some kind of contact with her and that it is OKAY with her. I have always been afraid to ask her what she means by that "contact"???

Welcome here, cmac..I think she means therapeutic contact- at least I hope so for your sake. It sounds like you have established the kind of relationship that would by now be very difficult to break off. That must be very painful to think of. I think you should ask her about what is meant by that, and that if you can still have therapeutic contact even after she retires...it might set your mind at rest, or it might cause a lot of pain, but either way- at least you will know then live in the wondering and not knowing, hey?

Good luck...let us know how it goes!

BB