My T had a two week absence around Christmas, but I had only been seeing him a couple of months. We always have the arrangement that I can call and text, but I cannot always expect to hear back from him in a certain time frame...or at all. Sometimes he will respond and sometimes he will not. Sometimes his responses are prompt, sometimes not. So, during his vacation, I told him that I planned to NOT text, because I didn't want to bother him and it would be too hard for me to keep putting stuff out there and not hear back. He supported me in that, but also reminded me it was OK to touch base. I did, but only once on a triggering date that was REALLY hard for me and my only reason for not contacting him was stubbornness. I didn't hear back, but was OK with not hearing back. I basically put in the text that it was OK to not hear back, so if he didn't text back, I would think it was because of my words and not his, LOL. During that time, I just journaled daily about everything that was coming up for me and shared it with him when he returned. It worked OK, but it was only two weeks. I actually did really well, but I detached to a degree that it took a couple of weeks to reattach to him once he got back and once I did, my separation anxiety was much worse...but at least he was back so we could deal with it together. I'm not sure anything I just wrote is helpful. It's just my experience with the only vacation my T has ever taken in our eight months together.

UV,

so sorry to hear P is going away. when i went away recently, T and I prescheduled two telephone sessions. it was nice to know I had them even though we talked mostly surface stuff on the phone. But T called during HIS office hours, not while he was on vacation.

He went away once for T weeks since I've been seeing him but I wasn't admitting yet my dependency on him. I wasn't going to see him for a month and I told him I would have been fine except for a narky comment he made during the session right before he left. We certainly didn't spend any time at that point processing his vacation.

If he went away for an extended period now though it would be very hard for me. It would be hard not having anything set up. I know your P will be flying and having fun and doing all sorts of things. His schedule IS going to be hard to predict. But can't there be a way for you to at least contact him maybe two or three times and know that he will answer you? Maybe he will consider it a sign of progress that you've acknowledged your need and asked for what you want?

When T and I scheduled the phone sessions. I felt a bit silly because I don't really like talking to him over the phone. I told him that I would have a hard time with the phone session and his reply was, don't put so much pressure on yourself. He took responsibility for the phone sessions and made it easier for me. I hope your P can work something out with you. It does sound like it's bothering you. And, he is a professional, afterall. He understands these things. I'm sure he wouldn't mind!! But then again, maybe I'm wrong!!!

HUGS

Liese

UV,

Three weeks is a long time for him to be away and for the two of you to be disconnected from each other. I don't know why he is treating this so lightly. The fact that you fear there will be a rupture too huge to repair is a signal to me that you are angry about this and should, IMVHO, press him more about this before he leaves.

When my T has gone on a vacation she has always let me know ahead of time if it was okay to text or call while she was gone. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. It depends on where she is going and what she is going to be doing. The times that contact has been allowed, we have not had any pre-arranged agreement. All contact during her trips has been via text and the majority of it initiated by me. Some was initiated by her, but most was me. We just left it open that if I needed to contact her that I could and she would do her best to get back with me in a timely manner as long as I understood that it might take her a longer period of time than normal because she might be busy or not checking her phone as much. Ironically, her response time on her trips was pretty darn quick! I think having something pre-determined could have stressed both of us out. What if she forgot? What if the call or text was missed or didn't go through? There could be great opportunity for a rupture if the time didn't work out for some reason and then I'd be left wondering if she forgot, was hurt/sick, didn't care etc. Not good.

So, I guess I'm wondering if he could agree to something like that and if that would work for you. Three weeks is a LONG time, especially depending on what your normal therapy schedule is like.

UV,

I'm glad he said you can text. I'm also glad you can be so honest with him about your anger. Of course, I can completely understand your T wanting to go away and really get away. Be able to be free and spontaneous. There is a six hour? time difference and calls would be hard to coordinate. And like you said, what if something came up and they got invited out to dinner, wouldn't it be nice to be able to say sure, we can go?

But on the other hand, I still can't get past that it's a long time away. And, it sounds all good and fine to me that you're getting at your core issues, which is what, getting over feeling abandoned? I just feel like he's asking a lot of you. You are supposed to get over your issues so he can go on vacation for a long time and not have to be accountable? I'm sorry, I'm struggling with this. Is it really the height of maturity to be able to let him go on vacation and not need him or not want that connection and not to want him to want that connection? I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle.

I'm sorry if I'm not helping you with this.

Love,

Liese

I think the desired outcome of working through absence issues, is that the relationship ultimately survives it, and a history of coming and going and surviving are built.

Freud,

That sounds great but her T is going away for 3 weeks.

UV, my heart goes out to you. I am in process of planning my sixth annual summer trip, which will take me away from my T for almost a month. I honestly don't want to go this year, even though I've committed to it, so I really can't back out.

It's been good to read everyone's responses, as I finally was able to sputter out my fear last week with my T, and we're looking at communication options (non-electronic, unfortunately) while I'm away. I don't know how I'll survive that long without her.

I love the idea of a transitional object, how did your T respond to that request?

(((((UV)))))

I'm thinking about what you said Freud. I know I want my T to like me but I can't make him like me. For me, what would be ideal is if he chose to like me. Maybe that's what UV would like, if he chose to want to connect with her while he is gone? And what if he didn't choose to connect with her while he is gone?

((((UV))))

I know it's hard and it hurts. Did he leave yet? If you are still lacking in object constancy, does him leaving you for 3 weeks and not agreeing to contact you, is that supposed to help? Not meaning to pour salt in the wound. Really asking as a genuine question. What are his views regarding attachment?

((((HUGS))))

Liese

(((((UV)))))

That is such a long time without any contact with him in any way! To me it seems cruel of him to treat you in this fashion.

I am so sorry for you, it doesn't seem fair and in your best interest. But... remember we are here for you!

quote:

I wonder if it's different that you are leaving your therapist instead of T leaving you?

It is definitely different, though it isn't going to be any easier. For me, the worst part is that my T is out of the office the week before I leave, and I just found out she'll be out of the office the week I get back, so that extends my three weeks of no T to nearly five weeks, which will be utterly excruciating.

I was looking around the office at my last session to see if there were any objects that I could ask for as a transition object/object of comfort, and the office is pretty plain - a few paintings on the walls and that's it - no knick-knacks or anything - not even a stone pile.

I seriously don't know how we get ourselves into these spots, and wish Ts were better prepared to help with the attachment part. It should be something in the agreement when working on attachment - either not being gone more than 10 days at a time, or providing some sort of communication outlet when they are gone. Not like I'm asking for the moon, nor are you, just asking for some comfort during an uncomfortable time.

(((UV)))

(((((UV))))))

((((UV)))))

I am so sorry. How long has he been gone? Did you ask him if he wanted to connect with you while he was gone? If he thought that it was important? Did you tell him that you were hurt? Maybe he was just trying to get you to own your feelings?

((((UV))))

Liese

UV,

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you had such an awful session and disconnect right before your T is leaving. I'm sorry that he didn't seem to understand your need to feel cared for even in his absence. (((hugs)))

(((((UV)))))


I'm sorry. It hurts so much when T's say something that suggests they didn't "get" or even remember something very important that we've told them. I had to fight through that with my H's condition. It sounds like he gets that you were hurt, but rather focus on the feelings, he focused on giving you "fixes" for them. I know it's important for him to give you options, but in this case, I think it was more important for him to make sure this pain was fully "heard" and even if he cannot offer more than he is, to apologize that he did not realize how fragile you are feeling about it, to process your hurt about being "not wanted" and make sure you know that his boundaries are based on what he feels able to give in the context of his life and his family, not what he wants to give. I'm sure your T wants to have it in him to meet all his clients' needs, but recognizes his limitations in doing so. I wish, somehow, he could have apologized for the pain you're in, accepted that you don't feel up to this task, reassured you that him being out of contact is not a reflection of his thoughts and feelings about you and THEN presented you with some alternative solutions that actually match up with the person he knows you to be. Is there any way to connect before he leaves or is he already out of town? I hope you will be able to work through this when he gets back. It makes me sad to hear you've been stuck in SU thoughts over this, but I am glad it has eased. ((((UV)))) I wish I had words that made this better...

(((UV))) Hope you are doing okay. How exactly are replaying your childhood? Did he say? And how are you engaging in projective identification?

(((((UV))))))

I am so sorry you are struggling with Ts upcoming vacation. How awful that you had such a terrible session before he is leaving.

I can totally understand how you felt hurt by his casual suggestion that you could go to a hospital when you've told him in the past about your negative association with hospitals.

My T2 is going to be gone for a month, Thursday will be my last session with her for four weeks. I'm starting to dread it, but I am grateful to have T1 to fall back on. I cannot imagine not having any T to talk to during that time.

I hope you know that we will all be here for you during that time your T is away. (((UV)))) You are not alone.

((((UV))))

So glad you were able to come to terms with some of what went on. If I am understanding you correctly, he wanted you to get angry? Where did I read that, that you can't stand up for yourself until you learn to feel your anger? And that would go along with your passivity, etc.? Those freaking emotions get so intense, huh? Where have mine been all these years? What have I been doing with my emotions?

I think I hear you saying also that he was giving you a bit of tough love? I'm glad you feel that the relationship is strong enough to withstand the rupture. He must have known that too or he must not have pushed you so hard.

My T is going away too but only for a week so I don't feel like I have the right to complain. Nevermind.

So glad you posted.

xoxo

Liese

((((UV)))))

Something happened at work?

(((UV))))

You would know a lot more about the separation process than I would. But it has been a guess of mine that anger hastens the process. Not sure where you are in the separation/individuation area. But I noticed one time when I was really pissed at my T, I came up with this brilliant scenario in my head as to why he did what he did and then I promptly forgave him without ever even talking to him. And I also noticed that I did that whenever I felt angry at him. I noticed you did that in your post yesterday but I didn't want to say anything until you brought it up again because you seemed momentarily happy. Anyway, I have also found anger at my T extremely threatening because I fear abandonment. So I don't know where you are re: expressing anger at your T in the past.

Have you thought about texting him?

(((UV))) I hope you are feeling better. Drawing out anger when you can't process it for weeks is...well, yeah, maybe not so nice. I guess, maybe your T thought it was better than the anger hitting you while he was gone and you had no access at all?

(((((UV))))))
Thinking of you and sending you peaceful thoughts...

Aww, UV, I'm so glad the reply was so reassuring! I know we tend to get ourselves worked up over what often ends up being nothing. (And if anyone knows how to change that all-worked-up-for-nothing pattern, please share!)

Glad he's back, and hope your reconnection session helps move things forward again!

quote:

Here's how to change that all-worked-up-for-nothing pattern: experience it, accept it, work through it. Then work through it again, and again, and again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Dually noted. Ironically, this wash, rinse, repeat is not good for my hair. Wonder if it will be ok for my brain?!

UV,

So glad the reunion was as amazing as it was. I can only fantasize about hearing those kinds of things from my T. You sound like you have a really open and honest relationship with your T which is really nice. I long for that but can't seem to get there. I think regardless of what happens with you two, your relationship sounds solid.

UV - Glad you were able to reconnect so well. Your T's CT feelings would have had my kids in overdrive.