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Hi DF,
It sounds like on paper, anyway, you should stick with T1. But the problem is the trust issue. I can relate to that, as my T and I have spent quite a bit of time over the 9 months working on building trust between us. He brought it up and takes full responsibility for me working it through, which I love. I asked him recently if I SHOULD trust him, as in, IS he trustworthy? His first response was yes, infinitessaamllyy??? or something like that but then he said in all seriousness, but the real answer is, apparently not, because you are the person who matters here.
And, so, do you and T1 talk about the trust issues? I found that as my relationship with my T feels more solid, he feels less and less inaccessible. I'm referring specifically here to how you feel about her out of session contact fluidity. Maybe part of your reluctance is FEELING as though she is inaccessible, though in reality she may not be???? Not sure. You are the best judge of that.
In my opinion, my T started off the relationship appearing to be aloof and inaccesible but as I've opened up about needing him, he's become more accessible with me. He might tell an outsider that it WAS me who was aloof. It was painful for me to work through those feelings of NEED for connection. STILL working on it.
It sounds like a difficult decision.
It doesn't sound like a good idea to have two T's. 
Liese
It sounds like on paper, anyway, you should stick with T1. But the problem is the trust issue. I can relate to that, as my T and I have spent quite a bit of time over the 9 months working on building trust between us. He brought it up and takes full responsibility for me working it through, which I love. I asked him recently if I SHOULD trust him, as in, IS he trustworthy? His first response was yes, infinitessaamllyy??? or something like that but then he said in all seriousness, but the real answer is, apparently not, because you are the person who matters here.
And, so, do you and T1 talk about the trust issues? I found that as my relationship with my T feels more solid, he feels less and less inaccessible. I'm referring specifically here to how you feel about her out of session contact fluidity. Maybe part of your reluctance is FEELING as though she is inaccessible, though in reality she may not be???? Not sure. You are the best judge of that.
In my opinion, my T started off the relationship appearing to be aloof and inaccesible but as I've opened up about needing him, he's become more accessible with me. He might tell an outsider that it WAS me who was aloof. It was painful for me to work through those feelings of NEED for connection. STILL working on it.
It sounds like a difficult decision.
It doesn't sound like a good idea to have two T's. Liese
DF,
What a tough decision. Is T2 able to see you twice weekly and is she willing to delve into all of the trauma stuff with you?
What a tough decision. Is T2 able to see you twice weekly and is she willing to delve into all of the trauma stuff with you?
((((DF)))) I feel for you. I really do. I've been with my T for a really long time and still struggle to trust him on an emotional level. It kills me. I just wish I was there already. I wish I felt that instant connection. You mentioned the rupture you had with her and how you wish you were rebuilding faster. Do you feel any pressure from within to rebuild faster? My T is a "it takes as long as it takes" kind of T so I never feel any pressure from him. But from myself, loads. I usually want to get fixed so I can get out of there. But I'm also so afraid of disappointing him and losing his "love" despite the fact that he doesn't seem to care how fast or slow I go. It's all up to me.
To me what you described is the classic problem with people who have trouble with intimacy: swinging back and forth from the fear of abandonment to the fear of engulfment, the trapped feelings.
You're in a tough spot! Can you still see both of them? Do you really need to make a decision?
Liese
To me what you described is the classic problem with people who have trouble with intimacy: swinging back and forth from the fear of abandonment to the fear of engulfment, the trapped feelings.
You're in a tough spot! Can you still see both of them? Do you really need to make a decision?
Liese
Hi DF,
I just happened to be lurking at this moment and saw your post. I really wish I had some wisdom or insight into this, but I can only say that I immediately understood your situation as it is similar to mine. I have been with my T1 for over a year and she has all of the regular "stuff". T2 is quite new and I started seeing her for coe. It is quite a different relationship because T2 has more experience than T1 and some of the things she's said so far have really impressed me.
I feel things are strained with T1 as it feels and has always felt like she just wants to sit there and listen, doing nothing else, offering no other help, until I magically figure out and solve my issues merely by talking. (I'm a tad bitter)
I originally sought T2 because I wanted a backup plan incase things went bad with T1. Now it's sticky, bc I want to work it out with T1 (out of obligation perhaps, and that she already knows so much about me) but I really feel myself growing fond of T2 and wanting to talk about more than just my coe.
Anyway, so sorry to ramble and highjack your post. I just had to empathize with you since I deeply know what you're dealing with.
I just happened to be lurking at this moment and saw your post. I really wish I had some wisdom or insight into this, but I can only say that I immediately understood your situation as it is similar to mine. I have been with my T1 for over a year and she has all of the regular "stuff". T2 is quite new and I started seeing her for coe. It is quite a different relationship because T2 has more experience than T1 and some of the things she's said so far have really impressed me.
I feel things are strained with T1 as it feels and has always felt like she just wants to sit there and listen, doing nothing else, offering no other help, until I magically figure out and solve my issues merely by talking. (I'm a tad bitter)
I originally sought T2 because I wanted a backup plan incase things went bad with T1. Now it's sticky, bc I want to work it out with T1 (out of obligation perhaps, and that she already knows so much about me) but I really feel myself growing fond of T2 and wanting to talk about more than just my coe.
Anyway, so sorry to ramble and highjack your post. I just had to empathize with you since I deeply know what you're dealing with.
DF,
It's probably no surprise to you that it's so much easier to communicate via the written word than to actually say something IMPORTANT to someone who is IMPORTANT in our lives. I've written to T that I was scared, left voicemails that I was in extreme distress but when I actually go into his office, I am composed. I don't know what your experience is like. Sometimes I think T doesn't offer email to me because I would probably tell him everything via email and then not discuss it in person. But you know how I like to make things up about why he does what he does.
I do know that I think it's better that I communicate IN PERSON rather than in writing and I try to push myself to say things. Often easier said than done. So many times things seem to fall by the wayside. And I get frustrated with my inability to communicate. But as long as there really is no timetable and I think it's just sinking in that there really is no timetable, then maybe I can relax and try to put some things out there to him that have been difficult up until now. It's just occurring to me that my need to please is probably interfering with all of the other things I need to do in therapy. Hey didn't BB's T just tell her that too???? Flash of insight.
xoxoxo
Hope all is okay today.
Love,
Liese
It's probably no surprise to you that it's so much easier to communicate via the written word than to actually say something IMPORTANT to someone who is IMPORTANT in our lives. I've written to T that I was scared, left voicemails that I was in extreme distress but when I actually go into his office, I am composed. I don't know what your experience is like. Sometimes I think T doesn't offer email to me because I would probably tell him everything via email and then not discuss it in person. But you know how I like to make things up about why he does what he does.
I do know that I think it's better that I communicate IN PERSON rather than in writing and I try to push myself to say things. Often easier said than done. So many times things seem to fall by the wayside. And I get frustrated with my inability to communicate. But as long as there really is no timetable and I think it's just sinking in that there really is no timetable, then maybe I can relax and try to put some things out there to him that have been difficult up until now. It's just occurring to me that my need to please is probably interfering with all of the other things I need to do in therapy. Hey didn't BB's T just tell her that too???? Flash of insight.
xoxoxo
Hope all is okay today.
Love,
Liese
DF
I'm really sorry, I dropped into the middle of your thread and only read Yaku's question. I really should have read the whole thread before I dropped my two cents in without really knowing what was going on. I in no way meant to invalidate the way you were feeling or your normality. I really think that the way we react to attachment injuries is based on a complex interplay of our environment, our personalities and genetic factors. So how you react to your history is totally legitimate. There isn't a right or wrong, there's just what it is, and how you feel about it.
I really am so sorry to have made this more difficult, it was very thoughtless of me.
AG
I'm really sorry, I dropped into the middle of your thread and only read Yaku's question. I really should have read the whole thread before I dropped my two cents in without really knowing what was going on. I in no way meant to invalidate the way you were feeling or your normality. I really think that the way we react to attachment injuries is based on a complex interplay of our environment, our personalities and genetic factors. So how you react to your history is totally legitimate. There isn't a right or wrong, there's just what it is, and how you feel about it.
I really am so sorry to have made this more difficult, it was very thoughtless of me.
AG
((((DF)))
I came back to this thread to reply to say I could relate to your attachment style really really well - and about sorting out the issue with things that you were... but I see that you have deleted your postings. It's totally ok to delete if you need and that's what you feel you need to do. I understand why you felt the way you did - and I also think AG wasn't trying to invalidate you, just to validate Yaku. Just as Yaku's style is totally valid, so is yours and mine (and mine is probably pretty different from everyone. ugh - anyhow...)
I hope you do share when you are ready about it again. It helped me feel a lot less alone in my response to my T today... And I think it was good of you to share how you felt when you felt invalidated. That's how stuff like this gets worked out.
Anyhow, I'll repect your wish and just end the thread - sorry if I have gone on too long anyhow. ugh. No need to reply (as always) to me.
~ jd
p.s. (((AG)))
I came back to this thread to reply to say I could relate to your attachment style really really well - and about sorting out the issue with things that you were... but I see that you have deleted your postings. It's totally ok to delete if you need and that's what you feel you need to do. I understand why you felt the way you did - and I also think AG wasn't trying to invalidate you, just to validate Yaku. Just as Yaku's style is totally valid, so is yours and mine (and mine is probably pretty different from everyone. ugh - anyhow...)
I hope you do share when you are ready about it again. It helped me feel a lot less alone in my response to my T today... And I think it was good of you to share how you felt when you felt invalidated. That's how stuff like this gets worked out.
Anyhow, I'll repect your wish and just end the thread - sorry if I have gone on too long anyhow. ugh. No need to reply (as always) to me.
~ jd
p.s. (((AG)))
DF,
Thank you for being so gracious and quick to forgive. (and thank you Jane!)
DF,
I really appreciate that you were able to recognize that my intention was not to to hurt you, but I don't want you walking away from this feeling like the whole problem was your sensitivity or taking it too personally. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say I'm evil incarnate and my intention was not to hurt you, but nevertheless, I blew it. It was thoughtless of me to answer someone else on YOUR thread, especially one about such vulnerable issues without either reading what you said or responding to what you said. I did something WRONG and it hurt you. Reasonably so. You weren't being overly sensitive. I really appreciate you putting it into perspective and being so reasonable about it, but I just want to be clear that this wasn't your fault. OK?
Thank you again, I appreciate your candor and your willingness to repair this.
AG
Thank you for being so gracious and quick to forgive. (and thank you Jane!)
quote:I apologize for taking it so personally
DF,
I really appreciate that you were able to recognize that my intention was not to to hurt you, but I don't want you walking away from this feeling like the whole problem was your sensitivity or taking it too personally. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say I'm evil incarnate and my intention was not to hurt you, but nevertheless, I blew it. It was thoughtless of me to answer someone else on YOUR thread, especially one about such vulnerable issues without either reading what you said or responding to what you said. I did something WRONG and it hurt you. Reasonably so. You weren't being overly sensitive. I really appreciate you putting it into perspective and being so reasonable about it, but I just want to be clear that this wasn't your fault. OK?
Thank you again, I appreciate your candor and your willingness to repair this.
AG