(((((JO)))))

I ask myself this same question all the time. I wish I knew the answer. Have you asked your T?

((((HUGS))))

Liese

I don't think you should take it down. I can really relate. I've used "so what?" my whole life, so I can really relate. "So what?" got me through a lot of hard times...but, maybe it is time to let "so what?" go, because it's actually a lie. It's a big deal to be hurt like you were, Jo. I have trouble accepting that for myself, so I understand if it's hard to internalize it, but it matters a LOT! (((Jo)))

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(((Jo)))

I'm sorry you were abused and I'm sorry that it hurts so much now to admit it. I hope that you don't always feel alone. We are here listening and lots of us can relate to the rage and grief of admitting what happened.

I hope you can sleep and get some rest. I find that the feelings come in waves so try and rest when the feelings recede a little.

Diane

Jo,

I'm so sorry. I know how bad it hurts and how hard it is to admit to yourself and then realize that the person you are ultimately left with to help you get through this is you. I hate that for you, for all of us because it never should have been that way. Our stories sound eerily similar. I too had a sadistic abusive father and a mother that either didn't help and at times participated so I understand what that does to a person. I'm so sorry that you went through that. I'm really happy that you are reaching out here because we are here to help you get through this.

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quote:

Did you do what I did too? DId you have a family that was "normal" etc and block out the hideous mistreatment? I find that so weird. IT's weird to me that I could be in a house with people who I thought I trusted for the most part but also be in that same house with the same people and be absolutely terrified for my life.

Yes and no. Our family appeared mostly normal on the outside though we were outsiders even in our community. I blocked out the worst of the abuse, yes. However, I always knew that something was wrong. I knew since about 13 that I was sexually abused. I didn't call it that until later, but I knew that I had been hurt. I knew that I couldn't trust my parents and never felt loved. However, I was well taken care of in terms of basic needs and grew up pretty well off so I had all of the material things that I could need or want, but nothing that I needed emotionally or safety wise. I distinctly remember growing up with a constant fear of being killed by my parents, especially my father. It was just a fact. I remember always being SU, even as a young child. I remember always making plans in my head about ways to escape. When I left for college I started getting more and more memories and then it stopped at those for a really long time until after I had my last child and was in my 30's. That is when the shit hit the fan so to speak.

I'm glad you got some sleep. That usually helps me too. All of these new realizations are so draining, aren't they?