DF
I have felt like that. I can feel desperately needy and ashamed but as soon as someone responds, there's a horrible guilt that I've been "too much" and I should never have asked. For me, it's about the fact that expressing my needs often led to bad things, so I learned to be ashamed of having needs, let alone expressing them in order to keep myself out of danger. Imperfect at best as you can't really make your needs go away, you just bury them deep. And very counterproductive now, when it's healthy and good to express those needs because now I have people around willing to meet them. But the sense of wrongness surrounding expressing my needs is still there and has to be fought against. I don't know if this will ring true for you, but this seems what matched with my experience. I'm sorry you're experiencing this as I do not think you have anything to be ashamed of.

AG

quote:

I can feel desperately needy and ashamed but as soon as someone responds, there's a horrible guilt that I've been "too much" and I should never have asked.

And then sometimes I even try to undo what they just did for me. Or outdo it back to them.

Yup, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. AG I think you nailed it perfectly, it would make sense that this is a response from back when it was "bad" and "wrong" to have needs. Thanks for explaining...as always it helps to understand where these things come from!

DF I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you can push through it to get your needs met anyway (if that's what's going on right now).

SG

quote:

And then sometimes I even try to undo what they just did for me. Or outdo it back to them.

I do the exact same thing. I think I tend to see people as having only a certain amount of niceness or tolerance for me, so I avoid doing anything that would cause someone to do anything for me because it's like I'm draining a bank account that's already close to the red. And then I think I try to do something *at least* as equally giving (or whatever) because it's like I'm trying to cancel out the cost of what they gave to me. If that makes sense.

I think the thing about someone doing something nice for me also means that I'm visible for even just a moment, and that's not acceptable. A lot of the time, for me, it feels so dangerous and threatening to be visible. And yes, it is a whole lot more manageable to be invisible.

I think it's healthy that you were able to lean on your Ts when you really needed them. They are safe people to ask for help. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes it is just plain HARD to accept anything nice from someone.

But will you accept some hugs? (((hugs)))