((((DF)))) I'm so sorry. Of course you're upset. And, it can be incredibly difficult to have people, even very hurtful and abusive people, angry at you, ignoring you. I wish I had some sort of advice to give...but I am almost glad to hear you are angry, because I think that is a really healthy thing to feel toward people who have hurt you so badly and are expecting you to keep yourself in a helpless dynamic that is obviously harmful and destabilizing to you just to please themselves. You may not be within their "power" to actively attack anymore, but the boundaries you are setting are so necessary, because they obviously aren't being care-full with their precious child. As a mom, I just can't fathom it. I want to shout, "WTF, DF's parents!?!?!" At the same time, I can totally understand that tug you describe to take care of them and their feelings. I don't know if it is shared DNA or just years of them putting you in the position to be responsible for their choices and their care. No matter the reason, I hope you can find peace in taking care of you and let their unwillingness to work within your boundaries be their choice and responsibility, because that's truly what it is.

FWIW I am in a similiar place as you DF. Only I am thinking of just cutting off all ties. The last real interaction I had with my family sent me into a tail spin of pain and depression of which I am still not out of. My mom is dying so I have had more contac with them than normal and it is eating away at me. All I can say is please know that you are not alone in dealing with a toxic family. Your (and mine) mental health is more important than making your family happy. I keep telling myself that anyway.

First, so GREAT that you are setting and holding your boundaries with them! That is not easy to do, and usually feels like crap. But it is so much better than the abuse that you'd take if you didn't hold them... (Been there myself, way too many times to count )

Second, DF, really, and this is sometimes hard to handle, but it is totally their loss. You rock, and if they don't want to be with you, too bad for them.

(((DF)))

((((((DF))))))

You do not deserve this treatment. I'm so sorry that they are being such "a-holes." I know they don't mean to be, but...are being. I know that it hurts like hell, but stick to your guns, and I bet they will come around, and meet your terms. Thery are just testing your boundaries, and guilting you for them, but...

It shouldn't be like this, I know you know that. ((((((DF)))))) I strongly support you in maintaining your boundaries. Realize, too, if it helps, that maintianing your boundary will also, in the long run, help them the most, too.

So many hugs,

BB

Hey DF,

Had a similar situation many years ago. Things might settle down to something almost normal but I was constantly waiting for the next drama, criticism, abuse or mind games. When they started this BS on my children, I finally cut all ties. It was definitely tough at first but in the end, so much healthier for myself and MY family.
I may just be a cold hearted bitch but I finally came to the conclusion that if these people were not related by blood, I would never have any interactions with them.
Also agree with the earlier comment about anger possibly being good. It's a valid emotion.
Good luck.

((((DF)))))

Please...don't allow your FOO's punitive measure lead you to feel guilty for doing what is best for you. Remember, that when people love you unconditionally, they want what is best for you. Clearly your family does not have your best interest at heart here, but are simply being selfish and thinking about what they want, even if it causes distress to you.

I've had similar issues with my mother in the past, but after years of her pushing me away by her tantrums about how I want to spend my time when I am visiting, she's learned that I call the shots...but there were a lot of ugly arguments over the years to get us to the point where she realized punitive measures are only going to push me further away.

I strongly encourage you to stand firm in your plans and to not allow your family to throw you off balance. Accept that things may be ugly this trip and perhaps they will give you the silent treatment for a bit, but I think over time, they are going to realize that in order to see you, it will need to be on YOUR terms...and they will either have tome come to accept this or not have any time with you at all.

DF,

You know, there are those places where you can pay to go smash plates. Don't know if you have one, but I'd be up for it if we had one for sure!

Anyway, I am not surprised that your parents are reacting this way, but I'm sorry that it is so painful for you. My parents did similar things when I started to set boundaries and it made me really question my motives and whether or not I had the right to set the boundaries. The truth was that they were uncomfortable and it was easier for them to blame me than to look at their behavior. I liken it to a small child having a tantrum. When you first start to tow the line and tell the child they can't have XYZ they usually ramp it up and throw an even bigger tantrum. It always gets worse before it gets better. Eventually though, they see that you aren't going to budge and they start to adjust their behavior accordingly. My hunch is that one of two things will happen. Either your parents will eventually figure out that you are standing your ground and they will start to make changes or they will continue to blame everything on you and and the relationship will end. That is what happened in my case so it might not apply to you, but I know how hard it was for me to give up on that fantasy of having parents. Like you said though, it was a fantasy because the reality was what I feared giving up I never had in the first place. I have been much happier and much more at peace since they have been out of my life. It isn't without pain, but it is without ongoing abuse.

I hope that you can continue to reach out here, with your T, creatively and get the support and encouragement that you need to uphold these boundaries that you have every right to put in place. You deserve to be taken care of DF. You really do, even though it is painful.

(((hugs)))

I've been told that my family doesn't deserve me. I have finally gotten to a place where I believe that is true.

Aw, DF..I'm sorry I missed this before. I'm so sorry for how your parents are treating you. You don't deserve it at all. I hope you are doing okay today... ((((DF))))

((DF)) Thanks for sharing your dream...I think the way it ended is really meaningful, especially since it's different than the norm. I think it shows how much strength you've gained through all of this and a kind of inner knowledge that you can handle this trip. It may seem like it would hurt either way (setting the boundaries or not) but what if the more peaceful ending to your dream is *because* of you setting the boundaries with your parents? It hurts, but you are making yourself safer.

Anyway, thanks for updating..hugs to you.