Monte,

So happy you had such a connecting session. Wow!! As always, it was a pleasure to read your post. You are so descriptive that I always feel like I'm right there in the room with you! Can I get your T's name and number?

I am so pleased to see you continue to walk towards connection, even though it feels scary and your adult self feels so undignified by the child part of you that needs what she is getting from your T. That is so huge for you, and yeah, I was thinking a similar thing about you running away from something like this last year. Your progress with the attachment is just wonderful to read about. Thanks for sharing so much with us.

Sorry you are in the post-session aftermath right now. THAT is the hard part about walking this path of healing, I think. At least for me it is emotionally draining and painful, and confusing and just awful. But progress as real as you are making right now is so worth it!!

(((Monte)))

MTF

Monte, that session really was beautiful. You are doing the work that my T has now encouraged me to do. To allow him to meet the little me that is still so scared. He wants me to let her know that he is safe and for her to come out and talk to him. I'm not sure about that right now but it was truly amazing to read about your session and how connected you and your T were. I would love to have T hold my hand, even for a minute (even though we shake hands, it's not quite the same) and little me so wants a comforting hug. But beyond that, it was very courageous on your part to let your T in and to allow the child to speak to him and tell him what she thinks, feels, and needs. And then for your T to instinctively know what he needed to do to keep the session flowing and to connect with little you.

I feel dizzy with emotion in reading about your session. It was amazing. I think you are reeling with a lot of emotion now and the warmth of being held by your wonderful T.

It was really worth the risk of writing all that you did for him. I'm so happy for you that it all worked out so well. Thank you SO much for sharing this with us. You are doing amazing work.

Hugs
TN

Wow, your T is really reaching out and meeting you where you are at Monte. I give him 5 gold stars, too. It is wise of him to know that this is the only path and not resist it out of his own fear. And you- you are amazing to allow it. That is incredibly difficult, to both communicate it, and then...allow it! I am really struck by the humility you are embracing.

Love to you, Monte, thanks for teaching me what self-love looks like. it is not undignified...it's noble.

(((Monte))) I read your session before my own and it was so good to hear. I'm so glad you are able to let little Monte connect with your T in the way she is. It is so touching!

Wow Monte
I have just read your incredible post, thank for having shared this with us. Its sounds like it was so incredibly connected with both of you present despite any fears that may have been there and moving with the little Monte. This is awesome work from you both and fills me with such hope that I am busting all over
Way to go

Monte,
You are doing incredible work, it's been amazing to see all of your growth and it's a testament to your perseverance that you have reached the point of being able to open up like this. And your T is doing an awesome job of meeting you with what you need to heal. Thank you for sharing about it. It makes my heart glad.



AG

Monte, your sharing really moved me. Thank you!

((((MONTE)))

So glad for you.

Monte,

This sounds so encouraging! Yay for you...and your T! Sounds like you are doing some great work together and are in that place of therapeutic bliss that makes it all worth it.

Thank you for sharing Monte. Amazing work you are doing!

Hey Monte what a great session! Thank you for sharing it with us. I can’t help but be bowled over with admiration at the huge steps you are taking now, it’s like you’ve suddenly put yourself in gear and are powering ahead.

And am going to say probably what lots of others might be thinking, I envy you your T. He might not be perfect (as you’ve been so careful to explain ) but from where I’m sitting he sounds pretty damn brilliant. I really like that he’s operating on the deeper instinctual emotional level that is where real healing happens.

Way to go Monte, I look forward to hearing more about your sessions.

LL

((((((((MONTE))))))))))

I totally empathize with the pain. I know it's hard to believe but he's trying to take the thorns out. So glad you didn't run. Reality smarts. Hopefully when you get through the pain, you will be able to feel his caring even more than ever before. That doesn't make it easy but it will still be a beautiful relationship.

(((((HUGS))))))

Liese

Hi Monte....so sorry for the pain you feel. Your T is right about taking it all out and looking at it and then grieving it. That is the hard, painful stuff we would like to somehow pass around but can't. Your question, "will I always know you" and his answer of "yes" is true. You WILL always know him. I know you won't like this as an answser (because I still struggle with it myself) but he will always live inside of you and you will always hear his voice talking to you. You will carry him with you in your heart and yes, he will carry you too, even though he has other clients.

I'm sorry he kept you waiting and that you came face to face with the reality of his other clients. I HATE that too. In fact, with my current T it made me realize that I was getting attached to him some months ago. When I realized I was hating his other clients. Especially the younger prettier females LOL. It was hard to accept that he had so many people needing him and in the beginning I could barely get an appointment. My T takes a 5 minute break in between clients. He comes out, says hi to me after other client leaves and tells me to go into his office and get comfy. He then takes a short walk (I have no idea where LOL) and he told me once that this helps him shake off the other stuff he has just heard and refocus himself on me and what we need to talk about or whatever. I DO know that when he walks back into his office he is very focused on me and has a definite idea of what we are working on. OldT would go from client to client with no break at all and I used to wonder how he could do that... but he also saw mostly kids with behavioral issues and nothing too heavy or serious except for me I guess.

Sorry to digress.... I think you have shown amazing courage lately in your sessions and you are not running away despite some really scary situations that would have sent you fleeing in the past. I think you should be proud of yourself. As to what happened in your last session... you will work past that as you have with other things lately. Therapy is not for the faint hearted as we are finding out.

I do hope you will discuss those raw emails with your T and that you will find the strength to ask for that hug little Monte really needs. I am still struggling with the topic of touch in therapy, even though I get my handshakes, there are times I want a hug so badly. When I left my T the other day I shook his hand as usual and then I asked if I could shake it again at the door.... I guess it was my substitute for the hug I cannot yet ask for.

Thank you for continuing to share your sessions with us. they are really important and help me so much.

Hugs
TN

(((Monte))) I'm sorry. I actually had a similar conversation with my T in our phone session today, where I claimed it is ridiculous to try to connect with someone "whose job is to go away." He says that's not his job and that we'll always be connected, but I too knew it's not the same of what these little parts want from him. I can understand the nausea at the idea of reading your own words too. It's so hard. I've gotten better at expressing how I feel in sessions as I do more from a parts perspective, but there is still so much that goes unsaid that must end up on a page as it is gets choked in my throat when I try to speak it aloud. I don't know how Ts can think it is consolation to parts who are attached for them to say that you will grieve and grow and not need that sort of connection anymore. I was emailing my own reaction to the "lie" that my T and I will always be connected in a meaningful way while you were posting this. I know it's not really a lie, but the part of me that wants to know he will always be there doesn't count me being forgotten and ignored unless I reach out as a true and lasting connection. I know I'm being unreasonable and someday I may feel very differently, but I keep hearing, "That's not good enough and it's not what I want!" Damn kids!!! ((((more hugs to you)))) Really proud of you for sticking through this opportunity to run away.

(((((Monte))))),

quote:

The next day he replied, acknowledged my pain and said I need to now be reading these words out myself when I come in, that we need to push for me to connect in session...not hours later. Calmer – by the light of day – I said I knew that, but also said how the week before he had helped me feel connected by his touch, that holding my hand had helped me ward off the defensive, ridiculing adult and that the hugs at the end stabilized me...but that he had offered little extra touch the day before and that I had so desperately needed a hug. I said without touch the child bit cannot feel safe enough to emerge – no matter what we try - and asked straight out what the hard rules were now about touch, because I figured it was his call. What was I doing wrong, how did it work, what was acceptable?

His reply was that we do understand each other, but that now needs to be applied practically. Said that he wants me to dare ask for what I need. Said I had the outlook of “I must be unlovable, you didn’t hug me...” but he wants me to be more, “I am lovable so can I have a hug?” Or can you hold my hand? He said there was technically little or no risk that he would say no to a request, but I was fighting so many messages and fears that such requests take huge courage...that I need to be courageous and experiment and make some discoveries.

So sorry about all of this. It's so hard, isn't it... My T has already gone here with me in her own way, and I kept wondering if your T would, too, eventually. I see the value in it, but it is so painful, and doesn't make it any easier. I rail against it because it's not what I want. I too need that physical proximity, that deep sense of connection, and without it therapy seems impossible.

I am feeling a bit of your pain, Monte. I wish there was some way around it and that we didn't have to go through it, because there's no question that it is very painful, scary and difficult work we have before us. But I have seen so much progress since you went back in April, and I know that you can keep pushing forward and make it through this. I know it is scary to think about not having our T in our life forever, but what TN said is so true. They will always be with us. I know that's not much comfort to you right now, but I know your T cares about you as an individual, not as just a client. He's working at doing what he knows is best for you, even though he also knows it is difficult and painful and scary. You can do this, my friend!! Look at how far you've come! It is amazing!!!

Hang in there. Wish I were there to give you some sort of comfort or relief, but know it wouldn't be enough.

Hugs to you Monte,

MTF

((((((MONTE))))))

I know how much it hurts. When I was fighting the attachment, my T wouldn't even really go there with me. What I mean is, he would just say, you are not ready to leave therapy and when you leave, hopefully you will be ready and it won't hurt so much. I had all those painful questions too but could broach it with him precisely because it hurt too much.

The adult in me knew the answers to those questions and so I couldn't go there because the child in me needed to believe that he would always be there for me. And, the child in me wouldn't attach unless there was some safety in there for me. I needed to know there WAS safety there. I had to know that I wouldn't attach and then have him torn from me. My T has told me that he is in it for the long haul with me. I infer from what he says that he has no immediate plans of retiring and he is in his early 50's so it's reasonable for me to assume that. But I know your T is older.

It sounds like the child in you really does need reassurance that he's not going to leave you anytime soon and it's something that you shouldn't have to worry about. I mean really, it seems cruel that any T, not just yours, would ask you to attach if they had any immediate plans of leaving you. So get that reassurance your child needs. It's okay, IMHO, to ask for it and she needs it.

(((((HUGS)))))

Liese

Monte

Oh I can really feel your pain - why does one good session always seem to lead to a bad one?

I so agree with the dilemma of letting the child parts be heard or not - the 'hobbling on between sessions' that you talked of, is such an easy option compared to the truthfulness from the child inside, who then is only ever disappointed. I don't know if the child parts have asked about T being there for ever or not, but for me certainly have with asking constantly when she is going to leave. This is seen as a certainlty and not just a possibility.

Well done for your bravery and honesty with T. I hope that there is something that he can do or say to soothe the child inside that's hurting so badly now.

((((Monte))))

starfishy

(((((MONTE)))))

It did take me a while (3 1/2 years?) of asking and of T reassuring before my child part was able to relax and calm down. It took a few rupture and repairs also. They really helped to strengthen the relationship. And, so, maybe you will just have to give it time. Not the best answer because I know you are in pain now. But, if you can try to trust that it might happen in time, if not soon, maybe eventually your child part will believe that T will not abandon you.

((((MONTE)))))

Mnte,

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much over this. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. If I had known my T for as long as you have known yours, I think my fear of losing that connection would be even more intense, which I can't even imagine.

quote:

The problem here is that my child part is able to tap into my adult intellect and see the bigger picture. My child asks for 'forever' and he responds with an assurance that would satisfy a child, based on what 'forever' means for a child, ie, for the term of it's childhood...which for it is forever. But the child is ME, not a literal child. As a 'real' child, you don't have that adult understanding hovering in the background whispering disconcerting truths in your ear. I do. At some point it all falls apart.

I know how difficult it is to want to know they'll be there forever. My 'child' would love that. And in some ways I have had that sort of offer. But like you, the adult in me barges in and says things that cause me to feel betrayed, because even after my T retires, she's not going to have much time for me, and I doubt I'll see her much at all. On the one hand it feels like you have described it, as being like a child on Christmas morning, but then the 'reality' of what it will really be like, as seen from the adult part of me, is so painful that at times I wonder if I really want to go there at all.

The past few days I have been trying to hang onto the positive things my T said on the phone Monday about how I'm not just a patient she's checking up on, that she cares about me a lot, and that she has felt a connection to me, etc. The child thinks, "Oh, goody! I AM special. She DOES love me!! " And the adult says, "Whatever. I am one in two hundred patients on her case load, and one of thousands she has worked with in therapy. She has 'connections' with lots of people every day, and I am not the only one she cares for. She's just saying this because she knows it will help me feel better, blah, blah, blah." It is painful, and confusing at best. It's so hard to find some happy medium and be able to accept who these people truly are in our lives and what they can actually give to us with it still being healthy and helpful, rather than harmful to us. They truly walk a fine line, and I am sure it is hard for them also to go through these intimate relationships and know that they have to do what's in our best therapeutic interest.

(((((Monte)))))

Hugs to you, and prayers that you can get some answers that will help you feel the peace you need. Keep at it! You are moving forward in an amazing way!

MTF

Monte,

I'm really sorry that you are struggling so much with this. I can't really offer any sound advice as I'm struggling with much the same right now and I feel it was especially brought right back to the light of reality with T's recent vacation, but I wanted you to know that I'm reading and that I hear you and I'm thinking about you.

((((((MONTE)))))

Sounds like a five-star session!

Monte!



Way to go!!!!! I'm so glad your T made you read it all yourself. I know it was so hard, but such a powerful step for you, and I can tell that you feel good about it. Yay!!! I have read things to my T that were really difficult before, but nothing like what you read. I'm sure the relief and pride you feel about what you were able to accomplish are priceless!

So glad you are feeling some peace about this whole thing. I think your T's answer about knowing him after therapy was really good. He is careful about what he offers, being realistic about it all. And so true that we need to stop worrying about the future of our relationships with our Ts and really focus on the here-and-now. So hard, but so valuable. And you are doing that!! Way to go, friend!!

Hugs to you,
MTF

(((((Monte))))) Your account moves me to tears...you are doing really beautiful work with your T. Thank you so much for sharing this.



Love,
SG

It's been a long road with your T, back and forth, to get to this place, and it is awesome to read about it. I am so glad he helped you resolve to finish reading every last bit to him, and so glad you were able to talk to him about it while you were reading instead of rushing through it without thinking. I really like that you could talk to him about touch and hugs, and that he responded more sensitively this time to that very important need deep inside. Thank you for posting this. My wish is that you will be able to hold onto these more secure feelings. (((((Monte)))))

(((Monte)))

Wow. Powerful stuff!

(((Monte))) So good to read about how you're continuing to move closer to your T and how he is meeting you just where you are. It comes across as an incredible feeling of being truly seen, heard, known at a deep level, yet instead of retreating as many of us would expect from personal experience, he just stays and stays and lets your child be safe to approach him.

Monte, this is priceless...thank you for sharing...I wish I had more to offer, but I just read your accounts and feel that you are giving us a very precious gift by sharing them here.

hugs,

BB

Monte,

How'd this week's session go? Hope you're doing okay!! Just checking...

MTF

(((((Monte)))))

I'm doing okay. Hope you're feeling better soon! Take care!

MTF

(((Monte))) Sorry about your missed session. That must be really hard, especially with that disconnected feeling of wanting to let your child draw near, but just being unable to take that step forward. I was really touched imagining that card in your T's wallet. I can only imagine how it would feel to see him take it out, to know it was with him all that time, to see that representation of the connection that is there, even if it is unfelt. My T is always telling my most disconnected part that he feels connected, that we really are, and he's sad she can't feel it. To feel detached from your T and detached from yourself like this, I know it must be very hard. Unreachable is precisely the right word for it and I can very much relate to that. I really hope when you do get to see T again that you continue to be able to share and are able to feel even a bit of the connection. Sometimes, I think I'm protecting ourselves from feeling the relationship which actually does exist, because maybe I just have no tolerance for it...I never learned to tolerate either closeness or distance...

Is there any chance of getting a reschedule for later this week or two sessions next week?

Monte I love the business card idea, and that knowing your T has it with him gives you that ongoing sense of connection. You do come up with some very creative things

I’m also sorry you had to miss your session, one week between sessions is long enough, two weeks would be an eternity. Is he not able to reschedule you before your next fixed appointment? I don’t know how you manage on once weekly sessions, for me that’s just way too long a time in which I can very effectively destroy any positive stuff that comes out of a session. Have you or your T considered going twice weekly, or even three times every fortnight, some way of ensuring you get more continuity of sessions? Or does that seem like a bit too much for you at this point?

For what it’s worth, I have the same reaction you described after reading something I’ve written, no matter how emotionally charged the words are, if I’m reading them it just doesn’t affect me. The trouble with reading aloud being that it’s a left brain function and therefore easy to disconnect from the actual emotional context and meaning of the words themselves. Do you think it might be more effective for you to use your writing like notes, but to rephrase what you’ve written in the here and now so that you’re actually telling your story directly? Scary, and I get that you write the stuff to bring in because otherwise you wouldn’t say anything, but maybe it’s a risk worth taking?

I hope you are doing ok, and able to hang in there despite the missed session.

LL

Monte,

I love the business card idea. it sounds like an excellent of recording those vulnerable emotions that the little you experiences from time to time.

(((((MONTE)))))

You have taken so many courageous steps since the winter when you were waiting to return to therapy. It's hard but your T is so open and soft with you.

I'm beginning to believe and trust in the strength of the relationship (with periodic moments of incredible madness and insecurity) but the good moments may be equal or almost equal to the bad moments. And when I feel good and strong, it's amazing the difference it has in my personal life.

I think you are close to that point too, close to feeling the strengths of the relationship instead of its weaknesses. And then you won't even remember that awful place. (or at least I hope you don't.)

xoxox

Liese

Monte, I just love reading about your sessions and your amazing progress of late with your T. I am so sorry you were sick and had to miss the session. I know how hard it is to wait to see them and especially when you are in some deep work... but I think and see evidence that you are really beginning to internalize him and to hold that connection for longer periods of time. You are also able to tolerate the closeness and intimacy more than in the past. I think that is what would send you running.... when he got too close and when the intimacy began to seem real then it became scary and you would leave for your breaks.

I think you have shown tremendous courage and growth in the past months and I am very honored to be able to read about your journey. Thank you for sharing this with us.

Oh and the business card was great. I actually use my Ts business cards as connection ... especially when he goes away on vacation. Just having my next appointment written down for me on his card is so calming for me.

Take care,
TN

Hi Monte,

So sorry about the missed appointment this week. That is so hard. Hope you're feeling better.

I agree with everyone about the business card idea. Sounds like a really wonderful idea you have come up with to keep track of the painful things that little you experiences. I'm so glad your T is sensitive to your needs and that he is carrying that part of you in his wallet. Wow, that would just be amazing to feel that kind of care.

I'm sorry about the missed hug last week. That is something I haven't managed to ask my T for either, even when I have felt I desperately needed one. I don't know how she would react if I asked for one, but I guess given her usual openness about such things, she would likely oblige. I guess it means more to me when she initiates it, and then I don't feel icky for wanting that. I need to get over that fear of asking. Sounds like we're in the same boat there.

I have to agree with LL about trying to use your written stuff to paraphrase from. I once took in a 3x5 card (my T joked about journaling on recipe cards) that contained sentences that were reminders about what I needed to say or ask. It was pretty helpful because they were difficult things to bring up, but I was able to put them out there with more emotional connection to them than when I had read things off a sheet of paper, word for word. It's hard, that's for sure, but that was a big step for me, and I have become a bit more able now to just say things without referring to that card or a letter. And even though I might stumble through what I need to express, I do feel the emotions along with it, and when I'm met by my T with what I need from her, it is so good. I know if you push yourself little by little, you'll get there. You have already made some tremendous progress in what you have been doing!!

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. I hope you're feeling a bit better. Take care, friend!

((((Monte))))

MTF

Hi Monte,

Good to hear things are going so well for you. Sorry that you had to miss an appointment too.

quote:

Having said that, I would love twice weekly as it would really get things moving, in that the sense of connection and security for my inner part would increase hugely

I'm with you there. When I haave had 2 sessions in a week it has really been helpful, I can be braver in the first, knowing that I have the econd to fall back on if things get tricky. Weekly I am more guarded as 7 days is sometimes a long time to deal with fall out.....and fortnightly, well that's really hard for me I am glad though that you do have email contact beteewn sessions, that must help to maintain the work and openness.

I go into every session now with thoughts written down of things I want to say. As I go through the weeek I jot them down. and it's been really helpful - if not I tend to have those awful mind blanks as soon as I sit down....what's that all about?!

Good always to hear your news and see your progress, hope you feel better really soon,

(((Monte)))

starfishy

It's ok, Monte- he won't think you are silly. Promise.

Love and hugs,

BB

((((MONTE))))

Do you remenber when you had a conflict with your T (you're probably thinking, which one?). I can't remember the exact context but I think you were upset because he didn't respond to you in some way. And, so he said well, clinically, there are three things you can do when (blanky blank happens) : 1. not respond, which sounds cold but isn't. 2. talk about it ... and I forget what 3. is.

Do you remember what the conversation was all about? I am finding that very fascinating right now and wanted to explore it a little more.

Liese

Monte,

I am so glad you remembered. That's interesting. Oh, I was just thinking about T's and technique and what their different techniques might be .... especially in regards to a scenario where the client isn't aware of their emotional needs, how do they help them to become more aware? And so I had decided the nonresponse option would provide the space between the need and getting it massaged a bit and of course it would hurt but it would cause the client to refect on where the hurt is coming from. And voila, that's how we learn what our emotional needs are and ultimately how to verbalize them. Which is actually what happened with you, when he didn't reply the way you wanted, you did verbalize it. I don't know if talking about it made you feel better or helped you get your needs met in a way that they weren't being met anymore but I guess the fact that at least you understood why he wasn't responding the way you wanted probably alleviated any hurt.

xoxoxo

Thanks for remembering

Liese