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Hi Permafrost, I'm not sure of your age so it's hard to say. However, regardless of that FAMILY is always a big part of the solution even if they are not part if the problem. I disagree with your therapist. I'd you are a teen or young adult, family involvement is important and if your parents are willing to take part, that is evidence of their love for you. Yes, they may think that they are not part of the problem but chances are changes
That everyone can make. As far as residential programs-- I wouldn't have my daughter without them. If your a teen check out newhavenrtc.com in Utah and if your a young adult check out Fulshear academy in Texas. Or, contact www.innerchange.com. I am
Happy to address
Any specific concerns you have. I believed my son needed to go residential husband did not. My son died two weeks later from a fatal
Interaction of Xanax, oxy and methadone. My daughter who was 16 at the time found him
Dead. That's when we brought her to new haven. It was her third placement. Now she is junior in college and works as well. She still struggles
But she know why she is alive. The RTC also helped me and my husband as well as my issues from my childhood. It doesn't have to be bad. You sound strong and bright. The world needs you.
That everyone can make. As far as residential programs-- I wouldn't have my daughter without them. If your a teen check out newhavenrtc.com in Utah and if your a young adult check out Fulshear academy in Texas. Or, contact www.innerchange.com. I am
Happy to address
Any specific concerns you have. I believed my son needed to go residential husband did not. My son died two weeks later from a fatal
Interaction of Xanax, oxy and methadone. My daughter who was 16 at the time found him
Dead. That's when we brought her to new haven. It was her third placement. Now she is junior in college and works as well. She still struggles
But she know why she is alive. The RTC also helped me and my husband as well as my issues from my childhood. It doesn't have to be bad. You sound strong and bright. The world needs you.
hi frosty,
i dont know if my post (dont really want to call it advice) will make much sense as i'm exhausted after a long week - but i know that i will lose my train of thought if i wait till tomorrow.
it sounds to me like the arguments with your parents have become like a road block or distraction from your therapy. or maybe this is where it got to naturally because you have a lot of unresolved issues with them? i don't know... just thinking aloud here. but the way its going with the ultimatums and threats it definetely sounds counter productive, even if they do mean well and they want to help you. maybe they're just scared and its coming out like this.
when i was at uni, i was so desperate to move out, i couldn't stand to live at home anymore, but i couldn't afford it. it was a very frustrating time and all i could to was try and save and plan for the future. in the end i moved out halfway through my last year of university and i was so happy. the thing that made it easier as well was that by that time my parents had accepted my dream of standing on my own two feet and we didn't argue anymore. a couple of years before that, i was planning on interrupting my studies and getting a full time job so that i could move out. my dad lost it, i have never seen him so angry (and so hurt) in my life and i realised later that for some reason he took it so personally. yes, it was selfish of him to try to hold me back, but in some ways i am glad i waited a bit longer as it also made my experience of moving out more enjoyable (rather than just running away from them)
ok i dont know if that was very relevant... but i also get the feeling your parents might be feeling insecure and hurting and probably scared as they realise they have no control. and i dont' think its right the way they are treating you. they obviously don't know any better and maybe they just dont want to lose you.
is there any way you can reach some sort of compromise? or a truce? is there any way you can have a rational conversation with them (and i am a hypocrite here cos i have never been good at those with my parents!). if its hard to talk, could you make a list of the important points you want to make and things you might want to explain to them. hopefully they will realise that they are only driving you away and are also most definitely not helping you with your recovery.
the rebel in me wants to tell you to just move out and screw them (as thats how i would react with my parents) but i have become old and responsible and ... boring...... so this was my advice. but maybe i'm being too optimistic... it would be great to sort things out with your parents as that would also be a step forward in your therapy... but that is up to them too, they have to play their part too. it sounds so very frustrating... : (
i hope it turns out well!
puppet
i dont know if my post (dont really want to call it advice) will make much sense as i'm exhausted after a long week - but i know that i will lose my train of thought if i wait till tomorrow.
it sounds to me like the arguments with your parents have become like a road block or distraction from your therapy. or maybe this is where it got to naturally because you have a lot of unresolved issues with them? i don't know... just thinking aloud here. but the way its going with the ultimatums and threats it definetely sounds counter productive, even if they do mean well and they want to help you. maybe they're just scared and its coming out like this.
when i was at uni, i was so desperate to move out, i couldn't stand to live at home anymore, but i couldn't afford it. it was a very frustrating time and all i could to was try and save and plan for the future. in the end i moved out halfway through my last year of university and i was so happy. the thing that made it easier as well was that by that time my parents had accepted my dream of standing on my own two feet and we didn't argue anymore. a couple of years before that, i was planning on interrupting my studies and getting a full time job so that i could move out. my dad lost it, i have never seen him so angry (and so hurt) in my life and i realised later that for some reason he took it so personally. yes, it was selfish of him to try to hold me back, but in some ways i am glad i waited a bit longer as it also made my experience of moving out more enjoyable (rather than just running away from them)
ok i dont know if that was very relevant... but i also get the feeling your parents might be feeling insecure and hurting and probably scared as they realise they have no control. and i dont' think its right the way they are treating you. they obviously don't know any better and maybe they just dont want to lose you.
is there any way you can reach some sort of compromise? or a truce? is there any way you can have a rational conversation with them (and i am a hypocrite here cos i have never been good at those with my parents!). if its hard to talk, could you make a list of the important points you want to make and things you might want to explain to them. hopefully they will realise that they are only driving you away and are also most definitely not helping you with your recovery.
the rebel in me wants to tell you to just move out and screw them (as thats how i would react with my parents) but i have become old and responsible and ... boring...... so this was my advice. but maybe i'm being too optimistic... it would be great to sort things out with your parents as that would also be a step forward in your therapy... but that is up to them too, they have to play their part too. it sounds so very frustrating... : (
i hope it turns out well!
puppet
Hi Frosty!
This really is quite a bind for you and for your whole family. ((((Frosty))))
The problem I see with this whole situation is that everybody is in the right! On the one hand it is quite right that you need your therapy space to yourself, and you need to make your own choices about your treatment in consultation with the P that you trust. On the other hand it is also right that because your family love you and are helping to support you, that they have needs or boundaries that are important for allowing them to do this in a way that is safe for them (without feeling like they are enabling your illness in some way).
Both your needs and their needs are deeply important, and worth respecting, and they are also (at the moment) contradictory! It is hard for everyone.
I don't want to encourage you to do something that is wrong for you, but I would say that from your description of the situation, right now you actually have more power to act than they do, without really damaging yourself, your ability to get your education or the whole family. You are well within your rights to keep them out of your therapy, *but*, if you CHOSE to let them come to a session, meet your P and get her take on your treatment and what you need, you have something to gain. That might be enough to reassure them that you are taking recovery seriously, and that your P understands the situation and is taking it seriously too. It might show them that you understand they are affected by you and your life choices, that you appreciate their support and that you want to reassure them. That one choice could open up different paths for all of you, and it's a nice in-between step.
I know by rights it seems like the parents should be the ones finding the ways forward and taking the compromise steps, but it doesn't always work out that way, especially when you get to a certain age. They are human and have their limitations, and they just may not know what flexibility they could safely offer. You have a little more flexibility right now because you have something tangible and not-too-big that you can offer them. So maybe this is worth thinking about?
Love,
Jones
This really is quite a bind for you and for your whole family. ((((Frosty))))
The problem I see with this whole situation is that everybody is in the right! On the one hand it is quite right that you need your therapy space to yourself, and you need to make your own choices about your treatment in consultation with the P that you trust. On the other hand it is also right that because your family love you and are helping to support you, that they have needs or boundaries that are important for allowing them to do this in a way that is safe for them (without feeling like they are enabling your illness in some way).
Both your needs and their needs are deeply important, and worth respecting, and they are also (at the moment) contradictory! It is hard for everyone.
I don't want to encourage you to do something that is wrong for you, but I would say that from your description of the situation, right now you actually have more power to act than they do, without really damaging yourself, your ability to get your education or the whole family. You are well within your rights to keep them out of your therapy, *but*, if you CHOSE to let them come to a session, meet your P and get her take on your treatment and what you need, you have something to gain. That might be enough to reassure them that you are taking recovery seriously, and that your P understands the situation and is taking it seriously too. It might show them that you understand they are affected by you and your life choices, that you appreciate their support and that you want to reassure them. That one choice could open up different paths for all of you, and it's a nice in-between step.
I know by rights it seems like the parents should be the ones finding the ways forward and taking the compromise steps, but it doesn't always work out that way, especially when you get to a certain age. They are human and have their limitations, and they just may not know what flexibility they could safely offer. You have a little more flexibility right now because you have something tangible and not-too-big that you can offer them. So maybe this is worth thinking about?
Love,
Jones
((((Frosty))))
I've been pondering your situation on and off for most of the day expecially when walking the mutt!!! Thankfully ((Jones)) in her most eloquent language has just about mirrored my thoughts
poor Jones 
FWIW I'd be inclined to think about allowing your parents to meet with P and you talk with P about the benefits of letting your parents meet with you both (if you agree) BUT not in her office where you have your sessions!!! If she could find another space in the practice it would keep her office as 'your' safe place but still cover all the needs here!!! You really do have a lot to gain by keeping your parents onside with this situation!! That probably sounds a bit calculating but perhaps that's necessary for the time being as I'd hate to see you forced into other decisions that could be just too difficult now!!
Have to go now but very much thinking of you ((((frosty)))).
xx Morgs
I've been pondering your situation on and off for most of the day expecially when walking the mutt!!! Thankfully ((Jones)) in her most eloquent language has just about mirrored my thoughts
poor Jones FWIW I'd be inclined to think about allowing your parents to meet with P and you talk with P about the benefits of letting your parents meet with you both (if you agree) BUT not in her office where you have your sessions!!! If she could find another space in the practice it would keep her office as 'your' safe place but still cover all the needs here!!! You really do have a lot to gain by keeping your parents onside with this situation!! That probably sounds a bit calculating but perhaps that's necessary for the time being as I'd hate to see you forced into other decisions that could be just too difficult now!!
Have to go now but very much thinking of you ((((frosty)))).
xx Morgs
Hi Frosty
This sounds very much like my relationship with my parents a few years back and its a tough one to be in. The only thing I can chime in with is plan any meeting with P and parents very carefully, I agree away from your normal therapy space would be the best as this would maybe help you feel more secure and keep therapy space as yours. Also you might want to think about having an appointment with P after meeting as you will need some support irespective of how the meeting goes - make sure you get that from P. I get why you would want to move out as there are a lot of ultimatums, arguments being made on both sides about leaving, but this takes some serious planning and cash like you said. If you can't do it now then can you start to plan (this is pretty much how I did it earlier this year, looking around at what my options were, working out how much I could live on from my job, etc all helped in the space between wanting to do it and actually then being able to do it, it gave me something to aim for). Like Jones says you have the power to act here and keeping your parents onside for a bit might just help for now as a stop gap. Stay talking to P whatever else you do - very much in thoughts Frosty
This sounds very much like my relationship with my parents a few years back and its a tough one to be in. The only thing I can chime in with is plan any meeting with P and parents very carefully, I agree away from your normal therapy space would be the best as this would maybe help you feel more secure and keep therapy space as yours. Also you might want to think about having an appointment with P after meeting as you will need some support irespective of how the meeting goes - make sure you get that from P. I get why you would want to move out as there are a lot of ultimatums, arguments being made on both sides about leaving, but this takes some serious planning and cash like you said. If you can't do it now then can you start to plan (this is pretty much how I did it earlier this year, looking around at what my options were, working out how much I could live on from my job, etc all helped in the space between wanting to do it and actually then being able to do it, it gave me something to aim for). Like Jones says you have the power to act here and keeping your parents onside for a bit might just help for now as a stop gap. Stay talking to P whatever else you do - very much in thoughts Frosty
Hi, Frosty- wow, what a struggle, what a bind. I really feel for you. I was wondering, if your P is totally on "your side" it might actually be helpful for your parents to talk to her, because she might set them straight about what they are doing in their relationship with you that is damaging to you? I know you said that they will disregard what she says if that's the case- but, maybe not. Maybe they will give her a hearing? Maybe she will be able to sow some seeds that may gradually establish some new thought patterns for them?
However- it is totally your decision to make, and I know you will make the right one for yourself. I also think that the ultimatum thing is very counter-productive towards healing. They can't just "make" you get better. It takes time- as much time as it takes. I hope very much that if you do decide to go with the meeting, that your P will be able to help them realize how much unconditional love and support you need right now. I tend to think that with unconditional love and support and respect for your autonomy in place, many of your issues would become far less intense and debilitating for you.
Hugs, Frosty- keep on trying to find that balance between independence and cutting them off. No easy thing.
Love,
BB
However- it is totally your decision to make, and I know you will make the right one for yourself. I also think that the ultimatum thing is very counter-productive towards healing. They can't just "make" you get better. It takes time- as much time as it takes. I hope very much that if you do decide to go with the meeting, that your P will be able to help them realize how much unconditional love and support you need right now. I tend to think that with unconditional love and support and respect for your autonomy in place, many of your issues would become far less intense and debilitating for you.
Hugs, Frosty- keep on trying to find that balance between independence and cutting them off. No easy thing.
Love,
BB
I am really disappointed by your P's response. She could see it like a session to help do some psychoeducation (common part of therapy) or a faily therapy sesson or something. I understand she wants to protect the space and thinks it won't make a difference, but didn't your parents cme up with this idea bc a P they saw that has never seen you said you should go impatient? What if your P was to write them a letter just about what you are doing, that you do take your work seriously... or something... I dunno... she might not be up for that either.
Suing your parents? How could you sue them? Not only would that be a huge emotional stressor, but legally... is it even possible there? Perehaps there is grounds to sue. Here in the states, as truly awful as they are being, I don't think you could sue them here (at least not so that you would win). Eh, lawsuits rarely are something where anyone wins... I'm very surprised your P suggested that.
Your parents are doing this for them, not you. Yeah, they do care about you and they do want to see you get better for your dake, but they are not supporting your healing and them saying your P isn't good is not good for you in building a good theraputic relationship with your P. I also think tey have a huge blind sot in thinking that what worked for your father (didn't he go inpatient?) Will work for you. Parents sometimes forget that we are not them.
As far as going inpatient, here in the states, you have to be in crisis (serious danger for seriously physically hurting you, others, or totally unable to function - i.e. can't feed or dress yourself). I don't know what the criteria are there, but do you even meet them? Maybe there is a way to find out if you could even go inpatient? Maybe you don't meet the criteria, especially since your P doesn't seem supportive. Then it doesn't matter how good of an idea your parents think it is... then again... they did have that P say it was a good idea. But I'm p but would you need a P that has seen you to say it is a good idea and willing to admit you or something in order to even go inpatient? It doesn't sound like you have that...
I'm so sorry about all of this sweet frosty. It is just not what you need. Hang in there and know you have a whole cheering squad qith you here!
Many hugs,
jane
P.s. sorry about the bad typing, posting from my phone...
Suing your parents? How could you sue them? Not only would that be a huge emotional stressor, but legally... is it even possible there? Perehaps there is grounds to sue. Here in the states, as truly awful as they are being, I don't think you could sue them here (at least not so that you would win). Eh, lawsuits rarely are something where anyone wins... I'm very surprised your P suggested that.
Your parents are doing this for them, not you. Yeah, they do care about you and they do want to see you get better for your dake, but they are not supporting your healing and them saying your P isn't good is not good for you in building a good theraputic relationship with your P. I also think tey have a huge blind sot in thinking that what worked for your father (didn't he go inpatient?) Will work for you. Parents sometimes forget that we are not them.
As far as going inpatient, here in the states, you have to be in crisis (serious danger for seriously physically hurting you, others, or totally unable to function - i.e. can't feed or dress yourself). I don't know what the criteria are there, but do you even meet them? Maybe there is a way to find out if you could even go inpatient? Maybe you don't meet the criteria, especially since your P doesn't seem supportive. Then it doesn't matter how good of an idea your parents think it is... then again... they did have that P say it was a good idea. But I'm p but would you need a P that has seen you to say it is a good idea and willing to admit you or something in order to even go inpatient? It doesn't sound like you have that...
I'm so sorry about all of this sweet frosty. It is just not what you need. Hang in there and know you have a whole cheering squad qith you here!
Many hugs,
jane
P.s. sorry about the bad typing, posting from my phone...
(((Frosty)))
What a difficult situation. I agree with so many of the viewpoints that have already been shared. A few of the highlights that I would like to echo are:
1) I don't know about where you live, but like others have said after 18 there is no obligation to support a child in the U.S. You are considered an adult and responsible for yourself.
2) I agree with JD. In the US the only way to get inpatient treatment would be if you are an immediate danger to yourself or others or for something like drug use which isn't an issue for you. For an ED you would need to meet criteria for inpatient and it sounds as if you do not from what you have said.
I am concerned about whether or not going inpatient would really satisfy your parents. I agree that it appears that nothing is ever good enough. So, if you go inpatient and stay a few weeks (again not sure you could get approved for a lengthy stay...at least not here) then do they expect once you are released that you will be 100% and everything is done and fine? Also, they need to consider the impact on your education by taking time off to be inpatient.
I'm not sure why your P won't meet with them if you are willing to have the meeting. I can see that she doesn't want it to be a fighting match which would be unproductive, but if the agenda was made clear at the beginning then I can't see why she is against having them come in.
You said that your dad was suicidal around the holidays last year? Is he getting treatment either outpatient or inpatient? I am concerned about what is going on with his mental health and how that is impacting you while you continue to live there.
Finally, when I was in college and had to live with my parents I was desperate to get out. I knew it would be difficult, but I finally had to choose my mental health. I was lucky to still be on their insurance and I paid the bills, but they let me keep the insurance. I got a roommate and worked and went to school. It can be done, but it is hard. However, I don't think I would have survived if I had continued to live in that environment. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but sharing my perspective from when I was that age. Of course my parents were against me getting therapy so I didn't have the dilemma that you are facing.
Anyway, the bottom line is that you have a number of tough decisions to make. I hope that for everyone's sake that you can all come to some sort of solution that works for all of you.
(((Hugs)))
What a difficult situation. I agree with so many of the viewpoints that have already been shared. A few of the highlights that I would like to echo are:
1) I don't know about where you live, but like others have said after 18 there is no obligation to support a child in the U.S. You are considered an adult and responsible for yourself.
2) I agree with JD. In the US the only way to get inpatient treatment would be if you are an immediate danger to yourself or others or for something like drug use which isn't an issue for you. For an ED you would need to meet criteria for inpatient and it sounds as if you do not from what you have said.
I am concerned about whether or not going inpatient would really satisfy your parents. I agree that it appears that nothing is ever good enough. So, if you go inpatient and stay a few weeks (again not sure you could get approved for a lengthy stay...at least not here) then do they expect once you are released that you will be 100% and everything is done and fine? Also, they need to consider the impact on your education by taking time off to be inpatient.
I'm not sure why your P won't meet with them if you are willing to have the meeting. I can see that she doesn't want it to be a fighting match which would be unproductive, but if the agenda was made clear at the beginning then I can't see why she is against having them come in.
You said that your dad was suicidal around the holidays last year? Is he getting treatment either outpatient or inpatient? I am concerned about what is going on with his mental health and how that is impacting you while you continue to live there.
Finally, when I was in college and had to live with my parents I was desperate to get out. I knew it would be difficult, but I finally had to choose my mental health. I was lucky to still be on their insurance and I paid the bills, but they let me keep the insurance. I got a roommate and worked and went to school. It can be done, but it is hard. However, I don't think I would have survived if I had continued to live in that environment. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but sharing my perspective from when I was that age. Of course my parents were against me getting therapy so I didn't have the dilemma that you are facing.
Anyway, the bottom line is that you have a number of tough decisions to make. I hope that for everyone's sake that you can all come to some sort of solution that works for all of you.
(((Hugs)))
(((Frosty)))
I don't have much advice, but I wanted to offer hugs and support. I got kicked out mid-way through my senior year of high school, at 18, and my family was poor, so I was on a combination of work/scholarship anyway. It's doable, but hard, and yes may mean taking longer than you want in school...and I realize that with your anxiety and phobia, it may be a greater challenge. I wish your parents would give you the patience you need and I wish your P would support you in gaining their understanding. I'm sorry you're in such a bind...it has to be such a difficult decision to make.
I don't have much advice, but I wanted to offer hugs and support. I got kicked out mid-way through my senior year of high school, at 18, and my family was poor, so I was on a combination of work/scholarship anyway. It's doable, but hard, and yes may mean taking longer than you want in school...and I realize that with your anxiety and phobia, it may be a greater challenge. I wish your parents would give you the patience you need and I wish your P would support you in gaining their understanding. I'm sorry you're in such a bind...it has to be such a difficult decision to make.
I understand better now frosty. That makes sense about why your P suggested suing them, although that would be awful... Do your parents know that if they kicked you out, they would need to give that money to you? Or are they saying they would keep it? (Maybe it hasn't come up?) Makes sense too about going inpatient.
Grr. This is just crummy. I wish your parents would get help for themselves. My mom asked me once how she could help me with my illness, and she even met with my T and I to talk about it. It helped so much. My T just helped educate her and then said the best thing was for her to get her own support and counseling to help herself deal with seeing or knowing her daughter is struggling and how painful it can be - as my T so delicately said. And she even explained for it to not be support or advice on how she can change me... of course, my mom still tries to change me, but without the pressure (which was totally backfiring big time) and best of all, my mom is finally in counseling herself.
I'm frustrated with your parents. Oh PF this is just not fair for you to have to deal with. Going inpatient, just like any therapy decison, needs to be between you and your P - who, btw, your parents are forgetting is the trained expert, not them. Family isn't ever supposed to be making treatment plans... and ultimatium to get treatment, ok - my brother and I did that with a family member. We only said whatever treatment you and a professional decide - but something. And you are getting treatment! And if you need to go inpatient, that is for you and tyour P to deceide.
Ok, sorry to rant. Just fired up for you.
Hang in there sweetie.
Grr. This is just crummy. I wish your parents would get help for themselves. My mom asked me once how she could help me with my illness, and she even met with my T and I to talk about it. It helped so much. My T just helped educate her and then said the best thing was for her to get her own support and counseling to help herself deal with seeing or knowing her daughter is struggling and how painful it can be - as my T so delicately said. And she even explained for it to not be support or advice on how she can change me... of course, my mom still tries to change me, but without the pressure (which was totally backfiring big time) and best of all, my mom is finally in counseling herself.
I'm frustrated with your parents. Oh PF this is just not fair for you to have to deal with. Going inpatient, just like any therapy decison, needs to be between you and your P - who, btw, your parents are forgetting is the trained expert, not them. Family isn't ever supposed to be making treatment plans... and ultimatium to get treatment, ok - my brother and I did that with a family member. We only said whatever treatment you and a professional decide - but something. And you are getting treatment! And if you need to go inpatient, that is for you and tyour P to deceide.
Ok, sorry to rant. Just fired up for you.
Hang in there sweetie.