Hmmm good qestion. I concur with draggers.

I think for me, I want to get the most "bang for my buck," the most out of the time and effort I spend... cause I need it, and I feel that need for it. My mom started therapy and seems to not care so much, but she may also find it hard to admit she cares, or may not feel as much of a need for it.

I tend to care a lot about relationships anyhow...

Maybe those are some reasons for me...

Good question!

jd

hi permafrost
i tend to "obsess" over therapy i think its taken over the "what can i do next to self sabotage my life" thought for the moment
i think some part depends on how much the issues your dealing with are affecting your life if they can be put away at the end of your session and forgot about until the next week there's really no reason you would "obsess" unfortunately most of us are just not that lucky

Good question, Frosty- I used to obsess about it when I was in therapy with GuruT, but I don't anymore. GuruT is always there, in the back of my mind- like a nagging headache that I have learned how to ignore, though.

I think about sessions with Cowboy occasionally, and I do want to be there. A lot of my day-to-day (out of session) feelings have gone underground, again, and I am back to functioning as I used to. Which is better, in ways. I think for some people it has to do with transference. If you are experience transference and attachment to the T, it is hard to stop thinking about therapy, and it becomes like- the *most* important thing, because of the need to get better and the sense that this person can "fix" the problems. So, the dependency factor. But I also think it has to do with passion...some people are passionate about things, and if therapy is something that is helping, or has the potential to help reconnect with lost passion- we are gonna go for it, hook, line and sinker, because we want to live life to the fullest, and not have our problems define us any longer. I think therapy becomes the representation of that hope for us. Good question! Very thought provoking.

BB

Hey Permafrost - nice to meet you and like your thought provoking question...

I think it's just that everbody is diffent so we all have different journeys with therapy. Having said that I find it hard to imagine treating it as a trip to the dentist / piano lesson - and my feeling would be that people who can haven't really gotten into the tough stuff yet.

For me it took a long long time to get attached to my T - if indeed I really am. So maybe that would feel to you like I didn't care that much - but that's about my problems with trust rather than not being passionate about the process.

Good food for thought!

Hey, AL- very nice to meet you! I'm so sorry- I didn't intend to convey in my post that people who have a hard time attaching are not passionate or don't care. Not at all! I am not attached to the T I am working with at present. I just think that the people who post on this site, including yourself, tend to be passionate people, who care a lot about things, and since therapy is important to us for our healing, that we are passionate about it. I just didn't word what I meant very well.

hug,

BB

This is a good question. I don't know why I care so much about therapy, but I do. I look forward to it all week long!

Hey guys
no please don't worry BB I hadn't read your post badly at all!! I was just ruminating. I am a little bit in awe of how well people on this site can say what they need from their ts. Ooooh funny that my own stuff coming out.

I love how everyone on this site tries really hard to see stuff from the other's perspective.

Hi Frosty. Defo pleased to meet you too.

X

Frosty,

I had been in therapy when I was younger and definitely didn't get nearly as attached to my T's then. I didn't take it as seriously as I do now. You know what they always say, that people are willing to change when they are in enough pain. That describes my life over the past couple of years. My T kept telling me that a lot of people would have dropped out and he was proud of me for staying. I kept telling him I had no choice, it was get well or ...... He would tell me that I did have a choice.

The other thing I'm thinking is that maybe it also depends some on their attachment styles? If their attachment style is secure, they are able to get closer more quickly to the T and get what they need?

xoxo

Liese

Liese - interesting comment that is relevant to me.

This T I am seeing now is my T from years ago - I went to off and on for a few years about 12 years ago. Then never needed (!, well I did...) a T for years and then a year ago fell down in a hole. I saw youngT for 15 sessions and formed a really strong attachment - so much so that I would have done something serious (as I didn't think I could live without her) when we parted ways.

Then I went back to the Original T. This times seems different - I told her I never had an attachment to her the first time - not like with YoungT and I want that again.

We both said that things are different and we are both different - early 30's to 40's - such a lot of living goes on in those years. We both thought that we are starting over with different mindsets, experiences and goals. It is also very sobering that here I am back with her 12 years later - this time my issues are more than a bit of depression or adjustment issues with parenting. I wonder how I would have changed as a person if I could have REALLY dealt with my issues back then, really been attached, really fixed things.

I think I wouldn't have been able to fix things. It is now at age 45 that I realise that I have done the best I can with my resources and background and genetics.. - I am not living a life - I am barely existing, and then wanting to end it most of the time, I don't feel anything, I don't let myself feel enjoyment - and I avoid things mostly that cause me strong emotions - because I have bad coping strategies. I am numb most of the time - never hug my kids, don't feel anything - I have built up such a thick barrier around myself that I don't appreciate or feel anything.

Also - going to T this time - I now know what my issues are with my past and I can name them - YoungT taught me that - so with these set of issues and this mindset - I am now with T again after a lengthy break. I too have a choice - live or ? - as my T tells me - the 2nd choice is not a good choice - but it is still a choice.

So for me I am motivated for therapy for a couple of reasons - I have to pay a lot for T so I need some results, I want to fix things so the latter half of my life is liveable and enjoyable - and - I dearly want to connect with someone and have an attachment, my T is a safe choice as she is educated and experienced to tell me what I need to hear to help me. I want to feel things again and i want to feel alive. Even if I think I am not worth it - I want to be able to feel again.

Oh, goodie, AL, I'm really glad that my post didn't hurt, I was worried that I sounded like a meanie or something. I think it is cool when people ask their T's for stuff too. LOL, I had a hard time asking my last T even for sessions, which is kinda...erm...the point- so don't feel too bad! We'll get there.

hug,

BB

Awww no BB not at all - sometimes communicating via words/text is tricky though as you can't get the tone of how someone is saying something. But tis all good

SomeDays - hi - just wanted to reply to your post because you sound so unbearably sad. Big virtual hugs (if you'll let me). I think you should remember how brave you are being going to therapy and trying to work through all this pain. It's take courage every single week. I am pleased to hear your original T sounds good and caring means there is every chance you will achieve your goals with her - even if that doesn't stop it hurting now.

xx

Thanks Annie. I wasn't feeling sad when I wrote it - just a sad topic really. Was trying to be reflective and was hoping I was a bit on Frosty's original topic

Somedays ... I too was touched by your post. So honest and heartfelt. I have often felt as you do and can honestly say this year, I have turned a corner. I didn't feel I had a life worth living but T never gives up on me. It's taken me a while and I had/have a lot of fear to overcome still. But that sense of "what am I living for?" is dissipating.

There was a comment above about having a real need for therapy vs. it being a self-indulgence. For me that was the irony of the situation. I felt as though therapy WAS a self-indulgence even though I actually had a real need. (I can appreciate my T now telling me I still had work to do because I felt like I was being self-centered and frivolous.) It was a present I had to allow myself to receive but it took me a while before I could really believe that I was worth it, worth the focus and attention on myself. Now I think it was the best thing I've ever done.

I do really wish I had completed the process when I was younger but ironically was too insecure to do it. I can't turn back time so I just have to settle for doing it now. And, like you Somedays, I'm 47 and trying to learn how to enjoy life possibly for the first time in almost 34 years.

Frosty, was any of this helpful? I hope you don't beat yourself up for taking therapy more seriously than the other people you know. I know you are in your 20's and so take it from me that I wish I had taken it more seriously when I was your age. You have the whole rest of your life still. Therapy at your age can make such a huge impact. And, you sound like you have the insight, awareness and self-possession to be able to make it work.

I don't know anyone personally who is in therapy. That makes it really hard. So, I only talk to my closest friends about it and the whole attachment thing, which they don't understand but they try to for my sake. I figure it's my life. It's important to me that I figure out how to make myself happy. And if the next person doesn't want to do that, then that's their concern. But I want to do it for me.

And then I come here, Frosty, for support from the people who do get it.

xoxo

Liese

P.S. My T says everyone needs therapy.

SD, I admire your resolve...you really are so brave, such a fighter, such a survivor. It is a sad topic, truly. It is so hard to lose a beloved T, someone who is helping you recover. I like the work you are doing with this T- she does sound good and contained from what I've read of your posts on here. (sorry I haven't been keeping up very well on here) I too found your post very moving and heartfelt.

Frosty- I was just thinking that if a T fosters an environment of safety, when most of us do not feel all that safe or valued (in one way or another) in our everyday relationships- then of course we would care deeply about therapy, and want to be there. I think it's the most natural thing in the world to care deeply about something that gives one a sense of value, of mattering to another human being- and that awakens that "inner child" so often which reconnects us with our very self- the heart of us. Some may call it pathological dependency- but I do not believe that is the case. I think it is just due to the level of hurt one has experienced in their life, or how sensitive a person is- which makes the reaction to the experience of care from another that much more intense, and often- complicated!

Anyway- hugs, Frosty!

BB

Thanks for those words Liese.

I said to T today - that in my 30's - therapy (and my attachment to T) was superficial - I was protecting myself too much and therefore I didn't go deep enough and to fix things (T HATES it when I say FIX). Then in my 40's - that extra 10 or so years - changes your outlook, perspective and experience. I told T that the Su discussions of 10 years ago were child's play compared to the thoughts, intensity and darkness of what I feel now. I also said that I don't want to wait another 10 years to "fix" and that I want to start living life now.

The other thing in the back of my mind - is that I don't want to do too much damage to my children. I want them to feel like whole people - not broken pieces - like I feel.

So for these reasons above - they are my 'motivation' for therapy.

Hey Frosty,

I haven't had time to read thoroughly through everyone's posts, I'm sorry. But I just thought I'd add my two cents. I know you're around my age, and I can somewhat relate to what you're saying. I have a couple friends who are either in therapy or have been in therapy before who treat it like their T was just a nice person to talk to who gives them advice when they need it. In my view, they treat it pretty nonchalantly, although I don't know what it's like for them behind closed doors (who knows, maybe some people are afraid to show just how much they rely on therapy..I know I am). One of my friends got a call from a friend of hers who has had a lot of trouble with suicidal thoughts and depression and he told her that he loves going to therapy, that his therapist makes him feel safe. When he first told her that he loves going to therapy (she went to therapy for a short time a while ago) she said, "Who would LOVE going to therapy?!" She understood it a little more when he said that his therapist makes him feel safe (I told her that I feel safe around my therapist, too).

I think it really depends on a person's fundamental needs and their support system. If they have a really supportive support system (and have for a while) and are able to open up to them without it feeling dangerous, then their needs for therapy are going to be different. Therapy is important to me because I'm not used to that. I'm not used to someone listening and caring and being willing to hear whatever I have to say.

I understand how you feel, thinking there's something wrong with taking therapy more seriously than others. I often feel the same way, but on the other hand, I also think that some people may play down how much they want and need therapy. Just a speculation, but I have two friends who know I'm in therapy and I don't think either of them have a clue how much a part of my life my therapy is.

Anyway, gotta run, sorry if this is a little scattered...take care of yourself, Frosty.

Wow, thanks Beebs, that was a nice thing to say. I just rabbit on and hope I make sense

Just after I posted - i thought of something related to Frosty's original post. For ME - with my issues - I need to have a certain level of obsession - either with therapy or to my T. I have issues from birth / childhood of attachment injury and the rest of the package that goes with that - I have to feel intensely connected with T or else I feel I can't heal my insides and then move forward.

Much along what BB has said above.

For me - I didn't have that strong attachment / dependency / obsession (for me - all the same thing) with T the first time in my early 30's. That is what I want now with her so I can heal.

Beebs - I have blocked out all that trauma from youngT and the therapy termination - but when I think of it with my rational brain - my experiences with youngT was just a stepping stone for me to get to the T that I really need to be with. This T from my past - just happens to be experienced in all the areas that I need. How lucky am I? It was meant to be.

Frosty,

I just wanted to add that even though I didn't take therapy very seriously earlier in my life, that doesn't mean I didn't need it or that I was more secure then. I think for me I've had a tendency to be avoidant (and also preoccupied) and that includes being avoidant of my own needs. And so I didn't even see that my needs were a part of me. It's only since I've become less avoidant and kinder to those needy parts of me, that I've been able to take therapy more seriously.

And, so you don't really know about your friends. They could be influenced by the general prevailing attitude towards therapy and be completely unaware of their own needs. You on the other hand, could be more open to it because of your Dad's profession. So at the end of the day, it doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you because you take it more seriously.

xoxo

Liese

Hey Frosty - look what you started - a really interesting topic.

SameDays - hope I didn't offend you by saying you sounded sad - just read that way to me - and definitely reflective and 'on topic' too

Liese - you sound super wise to me! And I love that your T says everyone needs therapy - that is exactly what I think too.

hugs,
annielake

Hi AnnieLake and thank you for the compliment! Annie is my favorite name btw!!! I've always loved John Denver's song called Annie's Song. Do you know it? One of my absolute favorites. I wanted it played in the church at my wedding but the pastor said it wasn't "liturgical". I think I might take that one to the diocese some day.

Liese

Hey Liese - glad you like the name Annie! Will check out that song - I haven't heard it.

Frosty - I am only WANTing to form a strong attachment because I have avoided it or have never had one EVER in my life and only in the past few months have I experienced what it is. I have an attachment to my childT (in a general sense) and did have a psychological attachment to youngT. When youngT terminated me - that was when I realised how strongly attached to her that I was. It was super powerful and I wanted to die when she termed me. It is that powerful need that I want again. that connection. I think I have to have it in order for me to feel connected, safe and be able to discuss my stuff.

Also i have done heaps of research. When i went to young T 09 months ago - I was just a black hole inside, with no knowledge, no feelings, no memories. Now I have learnt so much and I know my issues and kinda why I have them. I know that the only way I can heal all the broken bits inside is tohave an attachment to a T and do trauma therapy / DBT. So for me to be able to say all this - has taken decades for me just to have the knowledge.

The big question is : can i get that bond with my T? I don't know how we make it happen. T is taking things super slow with me which is frustrating the hell out of me - but after researching trauma therapy - I can see she is doing all the right things.

I guess I don't want the attachment - I NEED that attachment. Hell - that type of attachment makes me wanna run and never come back, it means I have to trust T and do everything that makes me feel discomfort and pain. But, the good brain knows I need to do it to take a step forward in life.

Hi Frosty,

I'm not saying you'll be in therapy for 20+ years. Don't get scared. I was in therapy a little bit, mostly in college. But back then, I didn't attach at all to my T's. And it was harder, because I was using the therapists in training at the college and could only have access to them during the school year except for breaks and then the next year, I wasn't able to have the same one. And, so that might be part of why I didn't attach. But it was also harder for me to open up. I had a traumatizing experience at the age of 18 and was actually seeing a therapist at the time and stopped talking to him altogether. Our sessions were so painful: me sitting there saying nothing. him trying to ask me questions and get stuff out of me. me just saying, i don't know. i don't know. so i'm not sure i was actually capable of therapy at that point. I don't know what that was.

Anyway, though, I wish I had done it after that experience, say in the following year or two but then again, I didn't know then what I know now. And my parents hated psychologists and thought the whole field was nuts and so I had to hide it from them and then felt guilty about it and always felt ashamed about going to therapy.

My life has turned out more or less okay but I keep my attachments at arms length and don't really let anyone get close to me. At my age, everyone is bound to run into some difficult life problems and my ability to handle them just wasn't there. So, I guess what I am saying is if you can do it, stick with it for as long as you can and try to develop a deep relationship with your T. It will be pay off in the long run. You'll have the emotional resilience in your 40's that I didn't have.

xoxo

Liese