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First, congrats on getting the insurance issue worked out. I know how maddening that stuff can be!
Next, I can understand exactly how you are feeling. Every time I admit a single good feeling or experience in therapy, I fully expect it to result in something, probably the very something that caused me to feel good, to be taken away. I've been learning slowly, over time, that my T won't do that. The times things have been taken away, it has been (like you are saying), because he think it is the beset thing for me and our therapy work. But, that isn't much consolation at the time.
The way I have dealt with these conversations so far in therapy is to start out identifying my fear and then move onto the topic itself. For example, when I gave my T the transference map back when I just started out on this forum and was basically labeling my attachment to him, I was deathly afraid that he would either say he could not work with me anymore or that his reaction to it would be so painful to me that I would feel the need to run away. Well, we all know how that ended up.
Anyway, that session, I spent the first 2/3 of our time together just telling him how scary it was to try to share what I was about to share and identifying those fears. His attuned responses to my fear of loss are what allowed me to be bold enough to share.
I know that seems an indirect way of getting at a topic, but I find it really helpful (when I see a reaction coming) to give my T a heads up and kind of work through that together before plunging myself into the painful experience ahead. It helps him know where I'm at with things and helps me to feel more connected/trusting heading into what we need to talk about. I don't know if that is helpful or practical for you, but that's how I get myself through these sort of conversations.
Another thing I sometimes do is just think through my feared reaction and imagine what my responses might be to it. Like, do you agree with the potential assessment that staying with DBT T will interfere too much with your relationship with regular T? If so, is there an alternative way of working you could commit to that would lessen that obstruction? Or, do the benefits of having DBT T as an adjunct outweigh the delays to the development of your relationship with regular T? There is something to be said for maintaining a certain amount of stability if it is working for you, allowing you to process stuff more safely.
I do realize it's a kind of tough situation, as you want to learn to connect with and trust regular T more and the relationship with DBT T might delay that process. However, if regular T demands you pull yourself away from DBT T and fully invest in the connection with her, she will basically be perpetuating negative transference and doing the exact sort of behavior that will break down rather than build trust. However, if she expresses concerns, but leaves it up to you and tries to come up with a workable solution, maybe it's a good way to see that she will be honest with you, but not take things away for the sake of punishing you.
The one thing that came to mind is what if you still saw DBT T, but reduced things like depending on her outside of sessions? You can email DBT T and not regular T, if I remember? But you can leave regular T voicemails. What if you printed out the things you felt like you wanted to email DBT T (I realize it's not very often) and brought them to regular T instead? I know the types of work you do with each are different, so that might not work. That just popped in my head, so feel free to ignore it if it doesn't fit. And, it shouldn't be like a sacrificial offering either. "Dear therapy god, please do not take away either one of my Ts. I will sacrifice my emails in order to appease you." It would have to be motivated by you actually wanting to get closer to regular T and thinking it would help and being willing to try, otherwise it's probably going to end up going somewhere negative. Like I said, feel free to disregard. Just brain dumping here and realize it may be completely unhelpful!
((((DF))))) I'm sorry you're in such a spot with this decision.
Next, I can understand exactly how you are feeling. Every time I admit a single good feeling or experience in therapy, I fully expect it to result in something, probably the very something that caused me to feel good, to be taken away. I've been learning slowly, over time, that my T won't do that. The times things have been taken away, it has been (like you are saying), because he think it is the beset thing for me and our therapy work. But, that isn't much consolation at the time.
The way I have dealt with these conversations so far in therapy is to start out identifying my fear and then move onto the topic itself. For example, when I gave my T the transference map back when I just started out on this forum and was basically labeling my attachment to him, I was deathly afraid that he would either say he could not work with me anymore or that his reaction to it would be so painful to me that I would feel the need to run away. Well, we all know how that ended up.
Anyway, that session, I spent the first 2/3 of our time together just telling him how scary it was to try to share what I was about to share and identifying those fears. His attuned responses to my fear of loss are what allowed me to be bold enough to share.I know that seems an indirect way of getting at a topic, but I find it really helpful (when I see a reaction coming) to give my T a heads up and kind of work through that together before plunging myself into the painful experience ahead. It helps him know where I'm at with things and helps me to feel more connected/trusting heading into what we need to talk about. I don't know if that is helpful or practical for you, but that's how I get myself through these sort of conversations.
Another thing I sometimes do is just think through my feared reaction and imagine what my responses might be to it. Like, do you agree with the potential assessment that staying with DBT T will interfere too much with your relationship with regular T? If so, is there an alternative way of working you could commit to that would lessen that obstruction? Or, do the benefits of having DBT T as an adjunct outweigh the delays to the development of your relationship with regular T? There is something to be said for maintaining a certain amount of stability if it is working for you, allowing you to process stuff more safely.
I do realize it's a kind of tough situation, as you want to learn to connect with and trust regular T more and the relationship with DBT T might delay that process. However, if regular T demands you pull yourself away from DBT T and fully invest in the connection with her, she will basically be perpetuating negative transference and doing the exact sort of behavior that will break down rather than build trust. However, if she expresses concerns, but leaves it up to you and tries to come up with a workable solution, maybe it's a good way to see that she will be honest with you, but not take things away for the sake of punishing you.
The one thing that came to mind is what if you still saw DBT T, but reduced things like depending on her outside of sessions? You can email DBT T and not regular T, if I remember? But you can leave regular T voicemails. What if you printed out the things you felt like you wanted to email DBT T (I realize it's not very often) and brought them to regular T instead? I know the types of work you do with each are different, so that might not work. That just popped in my head, so feel free to ignore it if it doesn't fit. And, it shouldn't be like a sacrificial offering either. "Dear therapy god, please do not take away either one of my Ts. I will sacrifice my emails in order to appease you." It would have to be motivated by you actually wanting to get closer to regular T and thinking it would help and being willing to try, otherwise it's probably going to end up going somewhere negative. Like I said, feel free to disregard. Just brain dumping here and realize it may be completely unhelpful!
((((DF))))) I'm sorry you're in such a spot with this decision.
DF,
I'm really happy to hear that you figured out the insurance issue, but sorry it didn't come up sooner to spare you all of the grief you've been experiencing.
I might be remembering wrong here, but wasn't your DBT T pretty clear that she wasn't happy that you weren't going to be coming anymore and even offered to continue email contact? I'm bringing this up to say that I think there might be some old tapes running here. I think both your DBT T and your regular T will be pleased with this development though I can understand your trepidation. It would be easier to leave things as an ending that is nobody's fault rather than something personal, but I really don't think that will happen. Has your regular T ever tried to encourage you to end with DBT T before?
Anyway, I hope that wasn't too strong. I just hate to see you beating yourself up. (((hugs)))
I'm really happy to hear that you figured out the insurance issue, but sorry it didn't come up sooner to spare you all of the grief you've been experiencing.
I might be remembering wrong here, but wasn't your DBT T pretty clear that she wasn't happy that you weren't going to be coming anymore and even offered to continue email contact? I'm bringing this up to say that I think there might be some old tapes running here. I think both your DBT T and your regular T will be pleased with this development though I can understand your trepidation. It would be easier to leave things as an ending that is nobody's fault rather than something personal, but I really don't think that will happen. Has your regular T ever tried to encourage you to end with DBT T before?
Anyway, I hope that wasn't too strong. I just hate to see you beating yourself up. (((hugs)))
DF I'm glad too that the insurance stuff worked out ok. You've been having a hell of a time over these last few months with the threat of losing DBT T - so it's great to hear that you have a 'stay of execution' - mind you now that's brought up another can of worms!
Do you have any specific reason to think that Regular T would want you to stop working with DBT T? Or is this something that you yourself are coming to think might be interfering with your therapy with Regular T? It all seems to have been working REALLY well for you up until now, so maybe other things are going on in you that are making you feel so unsettled about these two relationships?
I hope your session with DBT T goes well today - and that, of course
she is not going to boot you out because you exposed your positive feelings towards her.
I love the way you are taking charge of your own healing - that you're still seeing consult T is a measure of that. Fingers crossed that things work out for you in every way.
LL
p.s. just reread this and realize it's another lame post, I seem to be specializing in them today So just wanted to add that what I'm trying to say is, best wishes to you!!!
Do you have any specific reason to think that Regular T would want you to stop working with DBT T? Or is this something that you yourself are coming to think might be interfering with your therapy with Regular T? It all seems to have been working REALLY well for you up until now, so maybe other things are going on in you that are making you feel so unsettled about these two relationships?
I hope your session with DBT T goes well today - and that, of course
she is not going to boot you out because you exposed your positive feelings towards her. I love the way you are taking charge of your own healing - that you're still seeing consult T is a measure of that. Fingers crossed that things work out for you in every way.
LL
p.s. just reread this and realize it's another lame post, I seem to be specializing in them today
So just wanted to add that what I'm trying to say is, best wishes to you!!!
(((((DF)))))
Been caught up in a family crisis this week and haven't been able to sort through the details here but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and do know that your insurance thing is going to work out. And I can understand how uncertain you would feel about it all after thinking you were terminating and going through the motions. So I hope it all works out for you in the best possible way.
xoxo
Liese
Been caught up in a family crisis this week and haven't been able to sort through the details here but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and do know that your insurance thing is going to work out. And I can understand how uncertain you would feel about it all after thinking you were terminating and going through the motions. So I hope it all works out for you in the best possible way.
xoxo
Liese
quote:What's going on I guess is I told regular T point blank... that DBT T is... my emotional rock, that I like her a lot, here are things she does in therapy I like etc, and I'm scared of working with you, you freak me out, I'm not close to you, etc. I felt like I said the equivalent of a little kid telling their Daddy they like Mommy better or something. Does that make sense? So, when I was pretty sure I lost her all those feelings came roaring out like a typhoon. And I'm so ashamed... I'd have never said them AT ALL if this wasn't happening. (So maybe the fact it happened did deepen our relationship, I don't know!!)
DF,
I hope your session goes well today!! The quote above I think would be really good fodder for a session with your regular T and possibly even DBT T. I think there is probably something underlying that, but I'm hearing a sense that you fear regular T will push you away because you didn't "choose" her??? I could be wrong, but I am curious about that and wonder if it might be a good area to explore.
Looking forward to hearing how it went today.
((DF))
I'm sorry I'm so late to this discussion. I'm happy that your insurance problem got resolved so you can keep working with your DBT after talking to your T's about it (I'm thinking positively). However I completely understand your fear of having told your T's so much about how you feel about them and how they will react now that you want to keep seeing both of them. I can see your worry that regular T could accept the feelings about your DBT T because she thought you would be stopping working with her. I hope though she and you recognize that although you think of your DBT T as your emotional rock that you value your work with your regular T immensely. It is clear from following your posts how hard you work on that relationship and the things you work on with regular T. I hope you find the courage and time soon to discuss it with them soon.
I'm also sorry about your family situation. It always feels to me that everything happens at the same time so that you rarely only have major item to deal with in therapy. Let us know what happens and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I'm sorry I'm so late to this discussion. I'm happy that your insurance problem got resolved so you can keep working with your DBT after talking to your T's about it (I'm thinking positively). However I completely understand your fear of having told your T's so much about how you feel about them and how they will react now that you want to keep seeing both of them. I can see your worry that regular T could accept the feelings about your DBT T because she thought you would be stopping working with her. I hope though she and you recognize that although you think of your DBT T as your emotional rock that you value your work with your regular T immensely. It is clear from following your posts how hard you work on that relationship and the things you work on with regular T. I hope you find the courage and time soon to discuss it with them soon.
I'm also sorry about your family situation. It always feels to me that everything happens at the same time so that you rarely only have major item to deal with in therapy. Let us know what happens and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
(((DF))) I'm sorry that your family situation has been so upsetting, but I am glad that you were able to talk to DBT T about it. I'm very relieved to hear that you did end up telling her and she was affirming of the relationship and wants to continue (I knew she would!).
I saw your comment in the say anything thread about your T. What happened? Did you see her today? You don't have to share (obviously) if you don't want to, but it sounds like maybe the session was activating or didn't go well?
(((hugs))) I hope you are feeling more settled this evening.
I saw your comment in the say anything thread about your T. What happened? Did you see her today? You don't have to share (obviously) if you don't want to, but it sounds like maybe the session was activating or didn't go well?
(((hugs))) I hope you are feeling more settled this evening.
((((DF))))) I'm sorry it was such a triggering day and so glad regular T said yes. I kind of liked the way she gave you a hard time (I hope it was well-received and I am not liking something that was distressing). It's kind of a light-hearted way of saying, "Hey, I am safe to share all those fears with and I want to show you how things are different in this relationship than they have been in others or even this one in the past. I don't want you to have to suffer in those fears and worries all alone!" Ugh, triggered at work is the worst! ((((extra hugs)))) for that.
But, glad you are getting out and kind of putting that stuff away for now. I hope you have a great time and a restful weekend!
But, glad you are getting out and kind of putting that stuff away for now. I hope you have a great time and a restful weekend!
Hey DF... you sure have a lot going on. I'm trying to follow your posts... so it seems that you have been stressing over telling both Ts that you want to continue this way. Your insurance is all straightened out to see both of them which is wonderful. And now it also seems that they are okay with this situation?
It all sounds like good stuff. I'm sure you were shaky and crying today as a release from the pressure that had been building up inside you. I'm glad your boss is understanding. I get yelled at if I cry at work. Not allowed.
So you are at a rock concert with pizza and beer! I'm so pleased to hear that you are out having a good time, and relaxing. Dancing is good to get the stress out and lots of fun.
Just wanted you to know that I'm following the situation and I'm glad things are working out for you. Should I start calling you Dancin' Queen (ala the Abba song? Am I showing my age? LOL)
Hugs
TN
It all sounds like good stuff. I'm sure you were shaky and crying today as a release from the pressure that had been building up inside you. I'm glad your boss is understanding. I get yelled at if I cry at work. Not allowed.
So you are at a rock concert with pizza and beer! I'm so pleased to hear that you are out having a good time, and relaxing. Dancing is good to get the stress out and lots of fun.
Just wanted you to know that I'm following the situation and I'm glad things are working out for you. Should I start calling you Dancin' Queen (ala the Abba song? Am I showing my age? LOL)
Hugs
TN