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That sounds really tough, XOXO but I love your awareness of it all. I think many people have many different aspects operating at different times with different dominance but most people are not aware of them. I think your awareness of each part is hugely helpful to you. Does it distance you from allowing the feelings to emerge from each part, when you analyse it like this, or does it help? I find if I have too much cognitive awareness of my young self - I can unintentionally suppress the feelings from that part, as I am analysing too much.
xoxo
I'm so sorry for your difficulties. Seems like a battle we are all fighting and trying to achieve #5...two steps back will become three steps forward before long. I agree with Sadly the awareness is hugely helpful which I wonder "for myself" if on some level I don't want to let go of the other parts because it would mean changes in counseling that I don't want to let go of. Just hoping it turns around for you soon and those parts can integrate into your whole self...I know you'll keep working. Take care.
Hopeful
I'm so sorry for your difficulties. Seems like a battle we are all fighting and trying to achieve #5...two steps back will become three steps forward before long. I agree with Sadly the awareness is hugely helpful which I wonder "for myself" if on some level I don't want to let go of the other parts because it would mean changes in counseling that I don't want to let go of. Just hoping it turns around for you soon and those parts can integrate into your whole self...I know you'll keep working. Take care.
Hopeful
XOXO,
Sorry this is such a painful, confusing time for you, although what you are describing does make a lot of sense if seen in the right light I believe. I do want to make clear that what I am going to say is very much based on my own experience, so it may not fit, but enough of this resonated with me that I wanted to offer my input in the hope that it might help.
If I remember correctly, you've been in therapy for around 3-4 years? I am wondering if you've seen a significant increase recently in the amount of trust and security you are feeling for your P?
You identified part 4 as you as a young child. Which means that you were having these feelings at a time when you're needs were not being met, nor were you receiving any help to handle them. It wasn't safe to have these feelings, let alone express them. But now you have found a safe enough place to be scared, to quote my T. In your P, you have someone who can hear and understand these feelings and help you regulate them as you finally let them come out into the light of day. So it makes sense that they are coming back so strongly. It also makes sense that they are so confusing, because although the feelings come back with a sense of immediacy, they're not connected to anything going on here and now which can feel pretty confusing.
And if part 4 is emerging, it makes total sense that part 3 is also coming back stronger. When we get hurt in connection, then a part of us develops to keep us AWAY from connection because we see it as dangerous (for good reason). Shame is a powerful motivator, so we develop that inner critic whose purpose is to make us deeply ashamed of our needs in order to stop us from expressing them and getting hurt again. You are moving closer to a healthy connection and starting to express long buried needs so it makes sense that the shaming part of you would also increase it's volume trying to keep you "safe." That part of you needs to be met with what my T called the "gentle push." Compassion for the self that developed those beliefs and how understandable it was that you learned to believe those things, while being able to recognize that they are not true and need to be pushed away here and now.
As for 5, as clumsy and confusing as it can feel, this is the real sign you are healing. You know that all these states are part of you. My T really didn't like discussing "parts" because that meant to be in one part was to leave other parts of you behind. He used a model of at different times you have different feelings, but there is a consistent "I" having those feelings. I think that is what you are talking about when you talk about 5. You recognizing that you have a consistent self, who can experience a wide range of emotions and feelings. And before you could only let yourself be aware of one set at a time but now you are building an awareness that can tolerate holding them at the same time, even when they are in opposition (tough, tough skill to learn).
But if you think about this in terms of brain stucture, it's like you have these four different sets of neural networks and each network is well worn and highly connected to carry the sets of emotions that it developed to carry. But these networks have been isolated from each other. Now you are working to build neural pathways that connect them so that you can move thoughts and emotions BETWEEN them as swiftly as you do WITHIN them. This is slow, painstaking work and can only be done by experiencing the new way of relating that you have established with your P. So it's going to be spotty and intermittent, because the old way of doing things is still strong. But as you keep working at it, and allowing yourself to feel all of this and express it (as you have very courageously done here) those pathways will become stronger and more second nature.
I hope that might help somewhat. FWIW, it really does sound like you're healing, it's just awfully confusing and painful when you're in the middle of doing that.
AG
Sorry this is such a painful, confusing time for you, although what you are describing does make a lot of sense if seen in the right light I believe. I do want to make clear that what I am going to say is very much based on my own experience, so it may not fit, but enough of this resonated with me that I wanted to offer my input in the hope that it might help.
If I remember correctly, you've been in therapy for around 3-4 years? I am wondering if you've seen a significant increase recently in the amount of trust and security you are feeling for your P?
You identified part 4 as you as a young child. Which means that you were having these feelings at a time when you're needs were not being met, nor were you receiving any help to handle them. It wasn't safe to have these feelings, let alone express them. But now you have found a safe enough place to be scared, to quote my T. In your P, you have someone who can hear and understand these feelings and help you regulate them as you finally let them come out into the light of day. So it makes sense that they are coming back so strongly. It also makes sense that they are so confusing, because although the feelings come back with a sense of immediacy, they're not connected to anything going on here and now which can feel pretty confusing.
And if part 4 is emerging, it makes total sense that part 3 is also coming back stronger. When we get hurt in connection, then a part of us develops to keep us AWAY from connection because we see it as dangerous (for good reason). Shame is a powerful motivator, so we develop that inner critic whose purpose is to make us deeply ashamed of our needs in order to stop us from expressing them and getting hurt again. You are moving closer to a healthy connection and starting to express long buried needs so it makes sense that the shaming part of you would also increase it's volume trying to keep you "safe." That part of you needs to be met with what my T called the "gentle push." Compassion for the self that developed those beliefs and how understandable it was that you learned to believe those things, while being able to recognize that they are not true and need to be pushed away here and now.
As for 5, as clumsy and confusing as it can feel, this is the real sign you are healing. You know that all these states are part of you. My T really didn't like discussing "parts" because that meant to be in one part was to leave other parts of you behind. He used a model of at different times you have different feelings, but there is a consistent "I" having those feelings. I think that is what you are talking about when you talk about 5. You recognizing that you have a consistent self, who can experience a wide range of emotions and feelings. And before you could only let yourself be aware of one set at a time but now you are building an awareness that can tolerate holding them at the same time, even when they are in opposition (tough, tough skill to learn).
But if you think about this in terms of brain stucture, it's like you have these four different sets of neural networks and each network is well worn and highly connected to carry the sets of emotions that it developed to carry. But these networks have been isolated from each other. Now you are working to build neural pathways that connect them so that you can move thoughts and emotions BETWEEN them as swiftly as you do WITHIN them. This is slow, painstaking work and can only be done by experiencing the new way of relating that you have established with your P. So it's going to be spotty and intermittent, because the old way of doing things is still strong. But as you keep working at it, and allowing yourself to feel all of this and express it (as you have very courageously done here) those pathways will become stronger and more second nature.
I hope that might help somewhat. FWIW, it really does sound like you're healing, it's just awfully confusing and painful when you're in the middle of doing that.
AG
hi, xoxo (love the name, by the way) you have tremendous insight into how it is all playing out for you- that's a great thing. I'm sorry that the pain is intense, though. I wish I had something helpful to offer about it, but I figured it couldn't hurt to drop in an offer some hugs of support,
((((xoxo))))
BB
((((xoxo))))
BB
Hey, xoxo- yeah I knew you were UV, I just didn't want to call you that since you changed the name- and I do like the new name, it's nice.
That sounds like a very scary dream you had there. I'm wondering if the saboteur is trying to supress the new connection you have with P, similar to what Monte experiences-?
That sounds like a very scary dream you had there. I'm wondering if the saboteur is trying to supress the new connection you have with P, similar to what Monte experiences-?
quote:It just sux.
Amen, sister!
Hello there xoxo! I did manage to read your thread before you deleted most of it (a shame as I thought what you’d written made a lot of sense even without the context you are speaking of.)
It sounds as if you are struggling with strong internal conflicts and I hope you can keep on top of it all. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost #1 and #2
, though maybe they haven’t disappeared altogether but are waiting in the wings to be integrated?
That’s very interesting that you say #5 is new – the beginnings of yourself as whole maybe? Obviously #3 is not very happy that things are shifting and changing (for the better) and is really pulling out the stops to keep the status quo intact.
I don’t recognize parts within myself, but I do experience on a moment by moment basis something I call the ‘judge’ which sounds very like your internal saboteur. Only my judge has all the weight of other people’s judgements and criticisms and enmity to give it power, despite the fact that I recognize it as my own interpretation of external reality. Oh that’s probably irrelevant but I’m trying to say that I understand and sympathize with having a perpetual drip drip drip of anti-you perceptions going on in every moment
I really hope #5 can keep growing and gaining in strength, even though it feels like how you were before was a much happier state to be in. The status quo is always more comfortable, simply because it’s familiar and change is scary at the best of times. Well ok so I’m stating the obvious here
.
Sending you lots of support in your battle with the Saboteur.
LL
It sounds as if you are struggling with strong internal conflicts and I hope you can keep on top of it all. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost #1 and #2
That’s very interesting that you say #5 is new – the beginnings of yourself as whole maybe? Obviously #3 is not very happy that things are shifting and changing (for the better) and is really pulling out the stops to keep the status quo intact.
I don’t recognize parts within myself, but I do experience on a moment by moment basis something I call the ‘judge’ which sounds very like your internal saboteur. Only my judge has all the weight of other people’s judgements and criticisms and enmity to give it power, despite the fact that I recognize it as my own interpretation of external reality. Oh that’s probably irrelevant but I’m trying to say that I understand and sympathize with having a perpetual drip drip drip of anti-you perceptions going on in every moment
I really hope #5 can keep growing and gaining in strength, even though it feels like how you were before was a much happier state to be in. The status quo is always more comfortable, simply because it’s familiar and change is scary at the best of times. Well ok so I’m stating the obvious here
.Sending you lots of support in your battle with the Saboteur.
LL
xoxo,
I love your insight and for your struggle. I've too recognized that I seem to drift in and out of different states of being and I'm unsure which one I prefer.
I have the state where I think I'm bored and anxious. I tend to talk to myself a lot and be a bit silly with myself, doing silly things in a very childish manner. I keep that state to myself at all times, but it tends to come out at random times when I'm at home.
Dress really affects me, especially coats. I know it sounds maybe a bit strange, but coats have a real effect on how I feel about myself and what state I perceive myself to be. I like my long grey coat because suddenly the intelligent, down-to-earth, relaxed, mature sense of who I am comes out really strong and I like her.
When I wear my small puffer jacket, I feel like I am 7 years old and I get extremely childlike and self conscious with it. All those qualities of feeling like a timid child come out and I don't like it.
I have my bomber jacket which makes me feel 'cool'. That's the teenage, 'hip' side of me that couldn't give a s**t about it all 'cause I got it goin' on, type of thing.
So my ego states come out in dress a lot and how I hold myself with what I wear. I think it's why I get so confused with my self-identity and what I wear. I go through bit phases Lately I'm wearing baseball caps and jumpers and I feel very lesbian (I am lesbian) but I'm not sure if I truly like it...it's very confusing for me what I feel comfortable in with self-identity.
I thought I was BPD because of self-identity issues but I'm really not sure these days...
I love your insight and
for your struggle. I've too recognized that I seem to drift in and out of different states of being and I'm unsure which one I prefer.I have the state where I think I'm bored and anxious. I tend to talk to myself a lot and be a bit silly with myself, doing silly things in a very childish manner. I keep that state to myself at all times, but it tends to come out at random times when I'm at home.
Dress really affects me, especially coats. I know it sounds maybe a bit strange, but coats have a real effect on how I feel about myself and what state I perceive myself to be. I like my long grey coat because suddenly the intelligent, down-to-earth, relaxed, mature sense of who I am comes out really strong and I like her.
When I wear my small puffer jacket, I feel like I am 7 years old and I get extremely childlike and self conscious with it. All those qualities of feeling like a timid child come out and I don't like it.
I have my bomber jacket which makes me feel 'cool'. That's the teenage, 'hip' side of me that couldn't give a s**t about it all 'cause I got it goin' on, type of thing.
So my ego states come out in dress a lot and how I hold myself with what I wear. I think it's why I get so confused with my self-identity and what I wear. I go through bit phases Lately I'm wearing baseball caps and jumpers and I feel very lesbian (I am lesbian) but I'm not sure if I truly like it...it's very confusing for me what I feel comfortable in with self-identity.
I thought I was BPD because of self-identity issues but I'm really not sure these days...