Thanks xoxo. And Echo, SO right. Childhood is so, so important.

My Mum left when I was 1. Peak time at needing that interpersonal relationship then..I'm TERRIBLE in relationships. I'm extremely needy, anxious..I literally loose my appetite when I'm with someone. I refuse to be involved with anyone yet I yearn it.

Interestingly, I'm attracted to people that are hard to get. Go figure.

I hope I can meet someone one day who gets all this and who is willing to be patient alongside me *sigh*..

Thanks for the links, xoxo. The quote by Zig Zigler in The Neuroscience of Genuine Love just blew me away:

quote:

“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.” ~ ZIG ZIGLER

When I married, I really thought I was marrying the "wrong" person, because I lost who I thought was the "right" person a long time ago. But the truth is, the person I thought was "right" did not treat ME right. My DH treats me right, and I am getting better at treating him right, too. And in just the last year, my perceptions have changed so that I'm really starting to believe I married the right person after all. What a relief to have something change, that I really never thought would or could. I'm so, so grateful for that.

Echoes - I agree that our children are so, so precious. And just for the record, I would be THRILLED if my children turned out like you.

FMN - I'm sorry your mum left you when you were 1. My mom was very young when I was born, an active alcoholic, probably depressed, and deeply resentful of my existence, which made her feel trapped into marrying a man she didn't love (I was conceived in a last fling with her ex-boyfriend while the man she was engaged to was overseas). So even though she was there in body, she definitely was not there in spirit. And when she was, she was just mean.

I can really understand that needy feeling in relationships. I avoided them/yearned for them, too, and was also frequently attracted to unavailable people (not a conscious decision...but certainly safer that way!!). I was not going to get married, but made a "mistake" and felt like I "had" too...and now I can honestly say, thank goodness that all happened. But I felt like the first 10 years of my marriage I was dragged kicking and screaming through it. It's only the last couple of years, and especially the past few months, that it feels like things are finally (hopefully!!) taking a turn for the better. I don't think my DH "gets all this" nearly as much as I once thought I'd like him to...but he is most definitely willing to be patient alongside me. If he weren't, he would have left me a long time ago. I remember how much I yearned to have someone like that, all the while he was right there. I hope you can meet someone like that one day, too.

Hugs,
SG

xoxo, thanks for your words. Yeah I'm starting to realize how important a mother is for an infant. Yesterday T said to me 'You miss your Mum' (in amongst a little conversation we had around the topic) and I wanted to say 'Heck NO. No way. Yuck. Disgusting. I don't miss her.

For most of my life, I've felt disgusted by my Mum's attempts to console and hug me. I even hated her being near me when I was a small toddler. I believe that her leaving when I was 1 really affected me somehow..

Makes me so aware though...I mean, if I have kids when I'm older, I'm not going to do what my Mum did. No way.

Hey FMN

I just wanted to say that I am absoolutely the same - my mother was physically there but emotionally detached and cold - even from small baby. I am wondering if that could count as trauma. I'm not sure. It's defintiely f*cked me right up that is for sure. Anyways, sorry, digressing - this week has been v intense in therapy for me on this exact topic - going for men that somehow remind me of my Mother's lacking in the hope that if they adore me it'll sort out that old, deeply imbedded hurt. It's painful.

xoxoxox you seem so knowledgeable on all this stuff! I have to hope and believe I am doing deep enough therapy to get myself through it and in a position to be attracted to and find a decent man. One step at a time though.

x

SerenityLake, it seems that having a mother figure or perhaps an emotional figure is so important. I'm not sure how important a mother figure is. I've read a story or two where a child lacked a mother figure but because they're father was so emotionally supportive, the child turned out okay.

I guess it depends when the mother vacates; at what time of development. I'm certain that the reason my speech was fully delayed until aged 3 was because my mother left at a time where I needed her most. Maybe the child in me simply shut down in response. How much of the trauma or hurt still remains, remains to be seen..

xoxo,
The neuroscience of genuine love...I read that link...makes so much sense. Thanks for the link it is really good and helpful.
Hopeful

Muff that's right. It's underestimated how IMPORTANT attachment is for a baby.

quote:

I'm not sure if this is applicable to everyone, but i am thinking it more likely is...I think after you work through your trauma, you won't be as prone to this. I didn't realize that I did this until after I had a relationship with someone with NPD

xoxo, this is interesting. I have happened to be in the company of people who are as complex/have major NPD or so complexities. Two romance interests, one landlady so far, in 3 years. Interestingly these were the kinds of people who were very confident and charming but lacked emotion attunement. Similar to my father.

I learnt about myself here. I am easily taken in by people who are confident and secure in themselves because it is what I lack. My wish to be confident and consistent and enthusiastic for life.

Slowly starting to find my own little pathway in amongst the hedges now. Starting to breath.