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it hurts my heart to hurt others even when they do something wrong. my assuming responsibility so i can make sense of whats is going on, avoid feelings... feel better.

Ugh. I do this too. I would rather suffer inside till I die than cause suffering for someone else. T has been working with me for ages on remembering that I am of value, and that the rules of living that apply to everyone else in the world, also apply to me. As in, if I do not take care of myself - even if it means someone else gets hurt, then I am perpetuating that cycle, and the next time the person who hurts me hurts someone else, the consequences could be much worse, and then how would I feel that I didn't speak up to take care of me?

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i'm re-enacting hurts from others by not feeding myself for days because i've been stressed she says... we talked about learned helplessness and biology and why deers stare in headlights and possums play dead and all i can do at this moment in time is hate myself.

Learned helplessness sucks. It's like, all these years, I go to the hardware store looking to buy bread. And every time I go, I end up in the same place - hurt, disappointed, angry, and frustrated. But that's what I know - set myself up for disappointment because that is what is best for me to do for me. It continues the cycle in which I was raised and trained.

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this time, for this recent instance, i did change how things went, i did something - t says even though I'm going through the motions now that in time the urge to fight or protect will come about naturally.

doing the right thing is terrifying to me. Speaking up for myself, meeting my own needs? Actually taking care of myself? SO WRONG. I don't deserve it. It's better to suffer in silence than actually take action to change something. NOT. But that's what I've grown up living and believing. T is working to show me that it isn't the case anymore. And even though no one stood up to protect or take care of my needs growing up, I can do it for me now. I deserve to treat myself the way I treat others, the way I should have been treated. But since it's so foreign, it actually HURTS.

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she tries to normalize and validate and listen and help and be compassionate and understand and all i do is get so angry at myself that i can't even think straight anymore.

I told my T today that her validation and normalization is actually more painful for me than if she would get mad at me and tell me I'm wrong. If she is nice to me, then I have to be even meaner to myself to make up for that kindness. How backwards is that?

Truth is, we all deserve love and kindness, even if we don't think so. It's just too hard to give that to myself since I really don't know what it feels like to get that.

Sorry you're suffering DF, I do get it, but I don't know if I articulated it very well. ((((DF))))

Ack (((df))) I know the confusion and topsy-turvy way you are feeling right now. I am feeling the same in many different and similar ways.

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it hurts my heart to hurt others even when they do something wrong. my assuming responsibility so i can make sense of whats is going on, avoid feelings... feel better.

Same here. I've been known to apologize in situations that are clearly not my fault at all. I apologize A LOT. I have a tendency to exhaust the situation through intellectualization so that by the end of it, I've somehow managed to place the blame on myself. It scares me to confront, even in a balanced and fair way. I have this automated thinking that is 'Oh, they'll be angry at me. I don't want that to happen. They'll think I'm bad'. So I suffer in silence too. I'm learning to stand up for myself more, but it is a hard and lengthy process. My thoughts are out to you DF.

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hate that i react the way i do. i tried to explain to my t as we were going on and on about choices i didn't have growing up and how i feel unintelligent for not doing anything. it all makes no sense. this time, for this recent instance, i did change how things went, i did something - t says even though I'm going through the motions now that in time the urge to fight or protect will come about naturally.

Baby steps I think. It's really good that you are attempting to move forward with this, despite the confusion. I have a tendancy to self-sabotage when I don't need to. It is why I don't do much. I doubt and confuse myself immensely. I'm so glad that your T is rooting for you like this.

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Ugh. I do this too. I would rather suffer inside till I die than cause suffering for someone else. T has been working with me for ages on remembering that I am of value, and that the rules of living that apply to everyone else in the world, also apply to me. As in, if I do not take care of myself - even if it means someone else gets hurt, then I am perpetuating that cycle, and the next time the person who hurts me hurts someone else, the consequences could be much worse, and then how would I feel that I didn't speak up to take care of me?

r2g (((hugs)) I totally empathize. It's so hard to stand up for our own values when we find it hard to value ourselves and put others first in order to make them happy and even more, happy with us. I think it's simply a way to be approved as well. 'Love me, accept me, like me, I'm good arn't I?' sort of thing.

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I deserve to treat myself the way I treat others, the way I should have been treated. But since it's so foreign, it actually HURTS.

Me too. It doesn't feel 'right'. It feels so alien. When my T shows me empathy, I feel so sad . I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling sad at. I'm silmultaneously sad and touched. Sad that she feels my pain? Happy that, wow, a person actually can empathize with me. After all these years of being in contact with people who just don't get it...this is SO new. It's so new that I cannot handle it. I cut off yet I yearn it so much.

DF I get this so much. Thank you for posting this actually, it's food for thought because right now I'm on a scary obsessive thinking ride. I'm worried about what I'm learning about myself, confused, anxious, scared. I want my T here to say it's all okay and I'm ashamed to say that. I feel that I need to be made of steel and push through life being hard hearted because, well, it's what I'm used to.

Big hugs to you DF and R2G.