DF I so relate to this... I have been the same thing about myself for a while...

It sounds to me, though, that your new cousin "really sees" who you are. She has no preconceived notions, no past connections, no baggage about who you are or were or who you are supposed to be. she made her assessment based on the you she sees, the you she met and the you she really enjoys spending time with.

I think that our family has a way of seeing us with "old eyes" in the sense that they have the background, heck, they created the background, that they and in turn, we, believe about ourselves.

My question lately has more to do with self-perception than anything else - I'm starting to think that I'm the only one who seems to think that I'm a horribly worthless waste of space when I'm outside my classroom. Everyone else seems to think I'm a pretty awesome person. I seem to be the only one that refuses to see that. So my question is whether I've been tricking people my whole life, or am I the one being tricked? Is it all an illusion? Everyone else really knows me, except me? Am I that afraid to get to know myself?

Dunno if that makes sense or not... but it's where I am at the moment. Dreading tomorrow where I have to spend the afternoon with my mom. Aren't parents grand?!

(((((DF))))))

DF, here is a song for you.

I know how hard it is not be believe the lies about yourself when they are coming from your own mother. But from everything I've seen about you so far, they are baseless. You really are a lovely person

(((((DF))))) I'm so sorry. As a mom, it makes me sick that your mom would insult you like that. My mom used to say those sort of things to my face all the time and sometimes I would hear her on the phone with others when she was mad at me telling them how awful I was. But, in public, she is always about putting on a show, so it's all about bragging how great her kids are doing and kind of taking credit. I don't know. I feel like I'm lying about all that, because the 10 minutes I saw her yesterday, she was normal and lovely. Anyway, I'm just saying, I know how awful it feels that the person who should love you best in the world can't seem to find it in herself to do it well or consistently or sometimes it seems at all. The fact that you take the time to worry about who you are eliminates the possibility of you being all the nasty stuff your mom says. I'm sorry you had such an awful night. Lots of (((((((((gentle hugs))))))))) for you, sweetie.

(((((DF)))))) and (((((R2G))))))

You're both dealing with what I think of as the reflection problem. One of the paradoxical facts about human beings are that in one sense we are alone, a whole complete person that contains only our "I" BUT we can only know that "I" in relationship to another whole human being. So we come to know ourselves by being "reflected" by the people around us. It is in interacting with them and getting feedback from them that we encounter ourselves.

So when we approach our FOO and most especially our mothers, we assume that because they have known us so long, literally from the moment of birth, that they know us best. But someone can only know you as well as they know themselves, because they need to separate out what is theirs versus what is yours. And some people aren't very healthy, do not do that well, and therefore are like funhouse mirrors giving back a highly distored image and often one that has NOTHING to do with what is being reflected.

I did not learn to see myself clearly until I interacted with a good mirror, my T, who consistently showed me a clear picture of how he saw me. And part of the reason I trust it is that although there was a lot of good stuff I had to struggle to learn to believe (actually, ironically enough, since I'm writing this post, I am seeing him tomorrow about my discomfort and struggle in taking in some really good feedback ) there was also stuff that was painful to see and come to terms with and accept. So it turned out that I wasn't the dregs of humanity, or evil, or repulsive but on the other hand, I am human like everyone else, with good and bad points, but in general, I don't think I'm a bad person.

And it took me a long time, but I had to learn that the person my mother sees and interacts with and talks about (re: rips to bloody pieces) in reality has very little to nothing to do with the person I really am. But it still hurts because she's my mother.

So DF I am sorry for the pain you are in, it's very real. Having your mother treat you that way is painful and a loss of something you should have had. And you're right, I may occasionally complain about something my kids do or my frustrations with them, but I am constantly amazed that I gave birth to two of the best people on the planet. I think they are incredible people and I am so very blessed to have something to do with who they are.

And I want both you and R2G to hear something from me. I know you both pretty well at this point, and I would be proud beyond belief and privileged if I could claim either of you as my child.

Go gently as possible with yourselves and find better mirrors.

love, AG

I am in tears.... It really hurts when one gets told so many bad things that you can't even tell the difference between the real and distorted mirror anymore, that you can't accept 'good' feedback, because that is not what you are used to hearing. I totally know the feeling that the person your family knows and the person your T knows, are two different people, that somehow, you've been living a double life, that people who think you are great, are not telling the truth and just want something in return for being nice to you... My T has told me some great things too, but I told her she was only saying it because she doesn't know me like they do. I can't accept her kindness, and when she does offer it, I start crying and ask her why would she be so nice?
Wow, I thought that there wasn't anybody else that could feel that way...

Hugs to you DF and R2G and please know that you are not alone

(((hugs to all)))

I understand this oh so well.

I'm learning to work through the conflict inside me. I often find that I need a LOT of 'me' space to work myself out but also, I don't want to seclude myself from people and life out of depression. Finding a delicate balance is so difficult sometimes. I really have to think and reason through it and sometimes I need to let go.

My Mum has been alone most of her life. She's been through so much. When I saw her at Xmas, she did the thing she does and tried to form a union with me. I can sense her sadness so much. It pervades everywhere. She is depressed, upset in her marriage, feels alone, etc. And I am so sad for her when I see her like that because she is lovely and sensitive. Only...I cannot become that bond that she wants me to be because I am my own person. It hurts to have to rip away from what she wants but I need to find myself as well.

I felt so bad for her when she said 'I was thinking about my life and what I've done with it. Why did I do such things?' etc. That's my chief fear; enabling my depression to take over and cripple me from doing what I want and it's done that to her for so long. I felt so sad for her.

I feel disgust at her attempt to make me a clone of her as well. It makes me want to separate from her for long periods of time. Since she missed out on my childhood by not being there cosistently, she regresses and sees me as a toddler/baby which I am not.

I was honest to her about it. She said that she had planned to send me an e-mail saying that I should go off on my own for some years to gather myself. When I told her that I periodically feel disgust at her, she said that she feels the same!

And my thoughts are 'why on earth would you feel disgust at your own daughter??'. My answer was that it's simply because she has felt let down most of her life. So she lets go of people to protect herself as I do...

Ack sorry. All about me, but I just wanted to chip in my experience about the whole 'finding oneself' saga...xx

DF, the song is called Simon by Lifehouse. Since you can't listen right now here are some of the lyrics:

Catch your breath,
Hit the wall,
Scream out loud,
As you start to crawl
Back in your cage
The only place
Where they will
Leave you alone.
'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.

(Chorus):
And I have felt the same as you,
I've felt the same as you,
I've felt the same.

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
...
You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

R2G - I've never heard anyone express my exact thoughts about somehow "tricking" people and/or tricking myself and not seeing what others claim to see. I have told my T I am a walking facade - a master of disguise.

Why is it so hard to believe we are that which others see? Continuing to be our parents to ourselves is so damaging and it's so hard to break the negative cycle when a lifetime of words and actions have created our deep seated beliefs....