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That's the weird thing about therapy, isn't it? The relationship isn't designed for reciprocity. There isn't much we can do for our T's, aside from paying them, working hard, and expressing gratitude when we can. That's not to say your T wouldn't have appreciated holiday wishes from you, which I'm sure he would have. But he wouldn't expect them, nor need them too much.
Sometimes the one-sidedness can make us feel like crap, but it's also what makes it good therapy, isn't it? There are T's out there who make the relationship something besides one-sided...and then more ethical T's like yours end up having to clean up after the mess they make.
Nevertheless, it's deeply ingrained in us for relationships to be reciprocal, which I guess is why therapy can hurt so much
But it's better than getting screwed up worse and having to spend MORE time in therapy fixing it...
Sometimes the one-sidedness can make us feel like crap, but it's also what makes it good therapy, isn't it? There are T's out there who make the relationship something besides one-sided...and then more ethical T's like yours end up having to clean up after the mess they make.
Nevertheless, it's deeply ingrained in us for relationships to be reciprocal, which I guess is why therapy can hurt so much
But it's better than getting screwed up worse and having to spend MORE time in therapy fixing it...
I know you probably already knew everything I said. I am sorry you feel like crap, and reasoning won't really make it better
I have been following your posts xoxo.
I get it. Many, many times when I think about reaching out to someone via my cell phone I get very anxious about rejection, but I experienced a big betrayal recently (it was traumatic) because I tried to reach out to someone one day (via phone) and they rejected me harshly. So I just never call people on the phone when I need to talk to someone. I just deal with it on my own. It does feel "binary" like a choice, as you said- as in who can we trust, and who can we not trust when we are feeling so damn vulnerable at times. Scrolling down the list of contacts- friend or foe? Trust or no? To text or not to text? It is a big deal, to me, anyway. I also spent a lot of time not "needing" anyone.
I hear you about the one-sided-ness. I even envy my T and find myself irritable about the fact that I don't really have anyone else to confide in, to have that mutual relationship with, but my T does, and sometimes I feel like he really does not understand what it is like to be alone, to feel as if the only relationship I have is a sham.
So this can be a Pandora's box- Many times I have wanted to shut it. If I sense coldness, unfounded or not, on his part, I project it on him and am hesitant to extend any gesture of warmth or childlike innocence or vulnerability at all. Does your T understand this? He probably does. Chances are probably good that he feels warm and fuzzy getting a text from you? I can't say for sure, but, your warm and thoughtful messages come from your heart and have great value. (trying not to use T terms here, but hmmm)
What motivates T's? Mine told me that what he does for a living is part of who he is. He once said that he is often "friend of the friendless" and that is what he chooses to do with his time, and would do it even if he was not getting paid for it. He does immerse himself in it. So I wonder...
How can even a T be completely unaffected by his interaction with a patient? As if one could take a surgical blade and make a clean delineation.. It is one sided, but there IS an interaction that takes place between two people,and those two people will be affected somehow by each other. T's are not robots. (although perhaps some try to be)
I have been reading that book by Irving Yalom, called "The Gift of Therapy" and it has helped me a lot, gave me some hope about this issue that you are speaking of here.
There is a chapter in it where he discusses being transformed (or at least affected) by his patients. The overall theme of his therapeutic method is that it IS first and foremost an interaction between two human beings.
I hope you feel plenty of warmth and hope and love, it seems like you also have plenty to give. I'll try to do the same.
I get it. Many, many times when I think about reaching out to someone via my cell phone I get very anxious about rejection, but I experienced a big betrayal recently (it was traumatic) because I tried to reach out to someone one day (via phone) and they rejected me harshly. So I just never call people on the phone when I need to talk to someone. I just deal with it on my own. It does feel "binary" like a choice, as you said- as in who can we trust, and who can we not trust when we are feeling so damn vulnerable at times. Scrolling down the list of contacts- friend or foe? Trust or no? To text or not to text? It is a big deal, to me, anyway. I also spent a lot of time not "needing" anyone.
I hear you about the one-sided-ness. I even envy my T and find myself irritable about the fact that I don't really have anyone else to confide in, to have that mutual relationship with, but my T does, and sometimes I feel like he really does not understand what it is like to be alone, to feel as if the only relationship I have is a sham.
So this can be a Pandora's box- Many times I have wanted to shut it. If I sense coldness, unfounded or not, on his part, I project it on him and am hesitant to extend any gesture of warmth or childlike innocence or vulnerability at all. Does your T understand this? He probably does. Chances are probably good that he feels warm and fuzzy getting a text from you? I can't say for sure, but, your warm and thoughtful messages come from your heart and have great value. (trying not to use T terms here, but hmmm)
What motivates T's? Mine told me that what he does for a living is part of who he is. He once said that he is often "friend of the friendless" and that is what he chooses to do with his time, and would do it even if he was not getting paid for it. He does immerse himself in it. So I wonder...
How can even a T be completely unaffected by his interaction with a patient? As if one could take a surgical blade and make a clean delineation.. It is one sided, but there IS an interaction that takes place between two people,and those two people will be affected somehow by each other. T's are not robots. (although perhaps some try to be)
I have been reading that book by Irving Yalom, called "The Gift of Therapy" and it has helped me a lot, gave me some hope about this issue that you are speaking of here.
There is a chapter in it where he discusses being transformed (or at least affected) by his patients. The overall theme of his therapeutic method is that it IS first and foremost an interaction between two human beings.
I hope you feel plenty of warmth and hope and love, it seems like you also have plenty to give. I'll try to do the same.
((((xoxo)))) I have struggled with projections of that sort on and off throughout my experiences with T. It was constant my first nine months with him. I would push through and send a text and agonize over it, otherwise I would let the fear prevent me from sending texts I really ought to have or benign things like wishing him well or sharing something really good that happened. Now, the experience is intermittent, rather than constant. I think the only thing that has helped is either talking or writing about my projections and allowing him to address them by sharing his real thoughts with me. I have found that is much more effective to do in person, however, because if I am already in a bad spot with the texting him, I am liable to misinterpret anything he says in the worst way. I wish I had some other advice to give, but I'm afraid all I really have is, "Hang in there; it won't always be like this!" It may be like this from time to time and hurt or frustrate you a lot, but eventually it will come and go...and I hope after that it will just go, but I'm really not sure how long that will take. I hope you are feeling your T's care for you right now.
Something I wanted to add:
The recent emphasis in books and popular media about "boundaries". Everyone seems to be under so much stress lately, and the general advice given is to not allow others to "dump" their "stuff" on us in order to prevent said others from "draining" our "energy". For me, I'm pretty sensitive about this message that is being sent- Am I a "vampire" because I want to talk to someone, because I feel lonely? Does anyone have time for anyone anymore? Are boundaries (yes, I get the importance and yes, I value my alone time very, very much)... more important than connection?
Yeah, I know there is gray, but it is humiliating to take the chance sometimes and get rejected. I hope this is relevant.
I would love to hear more from you, finding those gray areas. I'll work on it as well.
The recent emphasis in books and popular media about "boundaries". Everyone seems to be under so much stress lately, and the general advice given is to not allow others to "dump" their "stuff" on us in order to prevent said others from "draining" our "energy". For me, I'm pretty sensitive about this message that is being sent- Am I a "vampire" because I want to talk to someone, because I feel lonely? Does anyone have time for anyone anymore? Are boundaries (yes, I get the importance and yes, I value my alone time very, very much)... more important than connection?
Yeah, I know there is gray, but it is humiliating to take the chance sometimes and get rejected. I hope this is relevant.
I would love to hear more from you, finding those gray areas. I'll work on it as well.
quote:Originally posted by xoxo:
I have tried to reach out to others in subtle ways-like at work, and have found no one to empathisize. Well maybe one or two, but i find that sometimes when others hae it good, it just slips below their radar. It makes me feel so alone.
Hey xoxo, Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you feel so alone. I know how it feels when other people don't seem to notice how bad or alone we are feeling. I've struggled with feeling good about myself because somewhere in my mind I have a belief that if I feel good about myself, I will forget or ignore the people for whom things are hard. They seem to go hand in hand in my mind: feel good? ignore the bad or negative things in life. I guess we just see it happen so much. The nimbys of the world, etc. etc.
I don't know if this relates to you but I've been starting to entertain the idea that my thoughts that people for whom things have seemed easy aren't sensitive or can't relate to me or aren't nice people - are all transference-based. Because most people our age have probably gone through some hard times - even the ones for whom everything seemed easy or was easy. With the economy the way it is and life the way it is, my guess is that most people have had to come to terms with their humanness. Eventually life comes calling and we all have to deal with change, loss and grief.
I think I'm starting to forgive the people for whom things have seemed easy. I think I was holding a grudge against every single one of them. Maybe I can learn to appreciate the parts of them that I enjoy. And learn that there are different levels of friendships. And not let their apparent indifference to my suffering trigger my loneliness. My loneliness is my loneliness. It's mine and mine alone. Mine to share or not to share. I control it and I own it.
But I'm also coming to another conclusion. That we as a society can't continue to ignore the things we don't like. They are just not going to go away. It's like the negative parts of our psyche that we try to push aside and ignore. The problem just gets bigger and more out of control. And, so it's really become now a part of my philosophy and my mission to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. And so when I encounter people like that now who really don't have empathy and can't relate, I am starting to see that they are misguided. They don't have vision. They are limited. And I don't feel so alone anymore. Because I don't have to connect with everyone anymore.
For me, the big change has come about because of feeling so connected to my T finally. It took a long time but it's really helped take the edge off feeling so alone and feeling angry about it all. I know you have a terrific relationship with your T. You don't have a big family like some other people. I don't either. I used to get jealous of people with big families. And hold it against them. Or at least feel very very bad for myself that I didn't have what they had. But that was a very powerless and passive way to live. So I've come to accept it. It is what it is. Not everyone has a big family. Not everyone has a storybook life. Life is hard. But I can make friends. And I can make good friends. And I can work on my circle of friends and make the family I always wanted. Talk about feeling powerful. Of course, none of this has happened but just the thought of it all is so empowering. I CAN do something about the things that make me unhappy.
Sorry if I'm getting preachy. I know you've been going through a hard time and I'm glad you are feeling better.
I also wanted to say that I think it's wonderful that your T put the lion with his family pictures.
xoxo
I don't know if this helps you feel better but I hope so.
Love,
Liese
xoxo,
Had another thought. It sounds like you are making an assumption that your coworkers lives are superior to your own and yours to be inferior to theirs. A sense of aloneness is sure to follow that kind of thinking. But what if it all is just what it is? What if we took the judgment out of it all? Some people have and/or need more people in their lives. And some people have and/or need less people in their lives. And there's nothing bad or wrong with either way of living. They just are. It's just the way things are right now.
It's New Year's Eve and I'm sitting home. Two of my kids are out. One is going to bed. The other is watching tv. My sister, who has a job here where I am and a house 12 hours away from here, went to bed already. My H is watching tv by himself. My mother-in-law went back to the nursing home. My mother is home with my brother who is fighting a primary battle with cancer and a secondary battle with alcoholism. Lots of people are out partying. I'm not. I don't feel bad about myself because I'm not at a party. I don't know what it feels like to be out partying. New Year's Eve has never been a big deal for me. I don't know what it feels like to be anything but me. I'm okay. And you're okay. Just the way we are.
The past, your childhood, that's yours. No one can ever take that away from you even though you might want them to. But it's a part of who you are and always will be. It's what makes you unique. It's also what makes you strong. It's what makes you more mature than someone who hasn't struggled as much. You will learn how to connect. Maybe not with everyone. But it will happen. And you won't feel so alone anymore. I know it will happen for you.
Now I'm really preaching.
(((HUGS)))
Liese
Had another thought. It sounds like you are making an assumption that your coworkers lives are superior to your own and yours to be inferior to theirs. A sense of aloneness is sure to follow that kind of thinking. But what if it all is just what it is? What if we took the judgment out of it all? Some people have and/or need more people in their lives. And some people have and/or need less people in their lives. And there's nothing bad or wrong with either way of living. They just are. It's just the way things are right now.
It's New Year's Eve and I'm sitting home. Two of my kids are out. One is going to bed. The other is watching tv. My sister, who has a job here where I am and a house 12 hours away from here, went to bed already. My H is watching tv by himself. My mother-in-law went back to the nursing home. My mother is home with my brother who is fighting a primary battle with cancer and a secondary battle with alcoholism. Lots of people are out partying. I'm not. I don't feel bad about myself because I'm not at a party. I don't know what it feels like to be out partying. New Year's Eve has never been a big deal for me. I don't know what it feels like to be anything but me. I'm okay. And you're okay. Just the way we are.
The past, your childhood, that's yours. No one can ever take that away from you even though you might want them to. But it's a part of who you are and always will be. It's what makes you unique. It's also what makes you strong. It's what makes you more mature than someone who hasn't struggled as much. You will learn how to connect. Maybe not with everyone. But it will happen. And you won't feel so alone anymore. I know it will happen for you.
Now I'm really preaching.
(((HUGS)))
Liese
xoxo,
I'm sorry you have so much stress in your life and not a lot of support. It is SO hard to feel isolated like that. I'm also sorry you are feeling so depressed and like you want to give up. If you want to talk about what you are struggling with here maybe you could find some support?
Of course I don't know what it is that you are struggling with but I'm thinking here of my mother-in-law who lost custody of her children and when I watched her try to reclaim her mental health afterwards. But who could she relate to? Or who could relate to her? There weren't a lot of women out there with a common background, with that much sadness and trauma, who could relate to her. And would anyone really understand that there really was a vicious stepmother on the other side of things orchestrating the whole custody battle? How do you get close to people when you have a secret like that you are hiding? It makes it very hard to get close to people.
Yes, I'm still taking the wellbutrin. And, no, I don't take anything with it except for the occassional xanax. My personal life is a huge mess right now. And honestly, it is going to take years before it is on track again. I have no choice right now, well I do have a choice, but I'm choosing to adopt a positive attitude for my kids because the stress and the problems aren't going to go away anytime soon. I've come to the realization that this is midlife: the responsibility of raising children and dealing with aging parents and dysfunctional siblings and an idealistic/unrealistic spouse. It's not the perfect world I would like it to be by far but it happens to be my reality and I have to deal with it. It's also absolutely mandatory that I have a positive attitude because I can't focus on what I need to do if I'm wracked with anxiety. If I was dealt one hard blow right now by life, my kids and I could be homeless. I might be exaggerating a little but not much. But I can't focus on that. I have to focus on how I can make it better. Something I try to do every day.
I hope I didn't minimize your problems. Anytime you want to talk, I know I'm here to listen.
(((((HUGS))))
Liese
P.S. I think my new sense of calmness really has to do with my relationship with my T, which has improved ten-fold in the last couple of months.
I'm sorry you have so much stress in your life and not a lot of support. It is SO hard to feel isolated like that. I'm also sorry you are feeling so depressed and like you want to give up. If you want to talk about what you are struggling with here maybe you could find some support?
Of course I don't know what it is that you are struggling with but I'm thinking here of my mother-in-law who lost custody of her children and when I watched her try to reclaim her mental health afterwards. But who could she relate to? Or who could relate to her? There weren't a lot of women out there with a common background, with that much sadness and trauma, who could relate to her. And would anyone really understand that there really was a vicious stepmother on the other side of things orchestrating the whole custody battle? How do you get close to people when you have a secret like that you are hiding? It makes it very hard to get close to people.
Yes, I'm still taking the wellbutrin. And, no, I don't take anything with it except for the occassional xanax. My personal life is a huge mess right now. And honestly, it is going to take years before it is on track again. I have no choice right now, well I do have a choice, but I'm choosing to adopt a positive attitude for my kids because the stress and the problems aren't going to go away anytime soon. I've come to the realization that this is midlife: the responsibility of raising children and dealing with aging parents and dysfunctional siblings and an idealistic/unrealistic spouse. It's not the perfect world I would like it to be by far but it happens to be my reality and I have to deal with it. It's also absolutely mandatory that I have a positive attitude because I can't focus on what I need to do if I'm wracked with anxiety. If I was dealt one hard blow right now by life, my kids and I could be homeless. I might be exaggerating a little but not much. But I can't focus on that. I have to focus on how I can make it better. Something I try to do every day.
I hope I didn't minimize your problems. Anytime you want to talk, I know I'm here to listen.
(((((HUGS))))
Liese
P.S. I think my new sense of calmness really has to do with my relationship with my T, which has improved ten-fold in the last couple of months.
Hey you,
My T would rather agree with you that he is not responsible for how I am feeling.
But I'm just not there yet. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your T.
The stress in my life is so absolutely unbearable that if I let it permeate my existence, I wouldn't move. I think I've had to learn to somehow push it to a corner and just accept that things aren't as simple as I might like them to be. To live with the emotional complexity of life and still find joy in there somewhere. Find joy in the pile of ashes. Or maybe I've just finally given myself permission to be happy and enjoy the years I have left, having been incredibly unhappy for the first 47. If I don't learn how to be happy now, I'll never do it.
I really relate to this quote by Jung as far as where I am at right now, well, except for the part where I credit my relationship with T for feeling more secure lately. Still working on fitting that part into my philosophy. Here's the quote:
"If you imagine someone who is brave enough to withdraw all his projections, then you get an individual who is conscious of a pretty thick shadow. Such a man has saddled himself with new problems and conflicts. He has become a serious problem to himself, as he is now unable to say that they do this or that, they are wrong, and they must be fought against. He lives in the "House of the Gathering." Such a man knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in himself, and if he only learns to deal with his own shadow he has done something real for the world. He has succeeded in shouldering at least an infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day." Carl Jung.
I'm not saying I'm brave. Just that I do finally get that I'm the only one who can make me happy. Now the problem is that I just don't know what to do with all the grief and sadness, my shadow.
One thing that has helped me A LOT - which is probably very CBTish - is that my T has always encouraged me to take care of myself. Do something good for myself each week. Find some joy somewhere. He told me that when I first came to him, I only had obligation in my life. No joy. And, so when money and time permit, I take voice and guitar lessons. I cancelled voice lessons three times before I finally forced myself to go because I felt so intimidated. But the voice teacher was amazing and spent time with me developing a rapport before I had to sing by myself. I actually had FUN at the voice lesson.
Recently I just completed training with the equine therapy program in my area and I officially start volunteering tomorrow. I'm excited to be around the horses. And to see how they interact with people and the people with them. I'm happy that I'll have something in my life that I can do every week regardless of how much money I have. I'm looking forward to having that stability. Something I can count on. There are a lot of volunteers there as well. It has been nice to meet people who are there to help other people, who are there to give, maybe looking for some meaning in their lives. Instead of hanging out with the neighbors who throw big parties, get drunk and throw chairs on the other neighbor's roof for fun. I've learned that is not me. There is more to life. I want there to be more to my life.
And I've become addicted to spin class and I go 5 times a week. The exercise has really helped. I've lost quite a bit of weight. That makes me feel good too. All of this stuff has helped but it took a really long time. I certainly didn't feel better overnight. The only thing I can compare it to having the floor fall out from underneath you. And every time you take a step, the floor falls out again. But now finally, I've been establishing things in my life that give me a little bit of security and hope and even joy and fun. Little by little, the floor is forming underneath me. Having these positive things in my life helps me tolerate all the stress. Knowing that 2 or 3 times a week I'm going to get to do something I really enjoy makes the drudgery more bearable. I still have all my grief and sadness that I don't know what to do with or how to resolve. But there's more positive now to counterbalance it. I'm not just ALL grief and sadness and anger anymore. I ran two miles yesterday for the first time in my life EVER. I'm 48 years old. Okay, it took me 26 minutes. But I've NEVER run 2 miles in my life. Never ever ever.
Okay, so the philosophy lesson is officially over. I hope you too can find some joy in your week. And maybe even twice or three times a week. Treat yourself. You deserve it. You deserve a break from all your stress - as much as anyone.
((((XOXO))))
Liese
My T would rather agree with you that he is not responsible for how I am feeling.
But I'm just not there yet. I'm glad you have a good relationship with your T. The stress in my life is so absolutely unbearable that if I let it permeate my existence, I wouldn't move. I think I've had to learn to somehow push it to a corner and just accept that things aren't as simple as I might like them to be. To live with the emotional complexity of life and still find joy in there somewhere. Find joy in the pile of ashes. Or maybe I've just finally given myself permission to be happy and enjoy the years I have left, having been incredibly unhappy for the first 47. If I don't learn how to be happy now, I'll never do it.
I really relate to this quote by Jung as far as where I am at right now, well, except for the part where I credit my relationship with T for feeling more secure lately. Still working on fitting that part into my philosophy. Here's the quote:
"If you imagine someone who is brave enough to withdraw all his projections, then you get an individual who is conscious of a pretty thick shadow. Such a man has saddled himself with new problems and conflicts. He has become a serious problem to himself, as he is now unable to say that they do this or that, they are wrong, and they must be fought against. He lives in the "House of the Gathering." Such a man knows that whatever is wrong in the world is in himself, and if he only learns to deal with his own shadow he has done something real for the world. He has succeeded in shouldering at least an infinitesimal part of the gigantic, unsolved social problems of our day." Carl Jung.
I'm not saying I'm brave. Just that I do finally get that I'm the only one who can make me happy. Now the problem is that I just don't know what to do with all the grief and sadness, my shadow.
One thing that has helped me A LOT - which is probably very CBTish - is that my T has always encouraged me to take care of myself. Do something good for myself each week. Find some joy somewhere. He told me that when I first came to him, I only had obligation in my life. No joy. And, so when money and time permit, I take voice and guitar lessons. I cancelled voice lessons three times before I finally forced myself to go because I felt so intimidated. But the voice teacher was amazing and spent time with me developing a rapport before I had to sing by myself. I actually had FUN at the voice lesson.
Recently I just completed training with the equine therapy program in my area and I officially start volunteering tomorrow. I'm excited to be around the horses. And to see how they interact with people and the people with them. I'm happy that I'll have something in my life that I can do every week regardless of how much money I have. I'm looking forward to having that stability. Something I can count on. There are a lot of volunteers there as well. It has been nice to meet people who are there to help other people, who are there to give, maybe looking for some meaning in their lives. Instead of hanging out with the neighbors who throw big parties, get drunk and throw chairs on the other neighbor's roof for fun. I've learned that is not me. There is more to life. I want there to be more to my life.
And I've become addicted to spin class and I go 5 times a week. The exercise has really helped. I've lost quite a bit of weight. That makes me feel good too. All of this stuff has helped but it took a really long time. I certainly didn't feel better overnight. The only thing I can compare it to having the floor fall out from underneath you. And every time you take a step, the floor falls out again. But now finally, I've been establishing things in my life that give me a little bit of security and hope and even joy and fun. Little by little, the floor is forming underneath me. Having these positive things in my life helps me tolerate all the stress. Knowing that 2 or 3 times a week I'm going to get to do something I really enjoy makes the drudgery more bearable. I still have all my grief and sadness that I don't know what to do with or how to resolve. But there's more positive now to counterbalance it. I'm not just ALL grief and sadness and anger anymore. I ran two miles yesterday for the first time in my life EVER. I'm 48 years old. Okay, it took me 26 minutes. But I've NEVER run 2 miles in my life. Never ever ever.
Okay, so the philosophy lesson is officially over. I hope you too can find some joy in your week. And maybe even twice or three times a week. Treat yourself. You deserve it. You deserve a break from all your stress - as much as anyone.
((((XOXO))))
Liese
Hi Xoxo,
Been doing some more thinking. And I realized that this is where the literature on the borderline stuff or maybe the old literature, that is, seems to me to be limited. Because I think it's more complicated than that you just want to be rescued. How helpful is it to you to hear that? "You just want to be rescued. Stop wanting to be rescued and all your problems will be solved."
IMVHO, this is where the trauma research has added an incredible amount of understanding of the borderline organization and what the borderline needs to heal. You want to be rescued from your pain for a reason. That in and of itself is not the answer. You want to be rescued because your pain is so unbearable and/or your pain was so unbearable that most human beings could not cope with it. It sounds to me like you have a traumatized part that might need validation of her pain? And it just FEELS like invalidation when other people seem to carry on with life but it's not. When that traumatized part of you gets what she needs, whatever that is, she will start to calm down.
HUGS,
Liese
Been doing some more thinking. And I realized that this is where the literature on the borderline stuff or maybe the old literature, that is, seems to me to be limited. Because I think it's more complicated than that you just want to be rescued. How helpful is it to you to hear that? "You just want to be rescued. Stop wanting to be rescued and all your problems will be solved."
IMVHO, this is where the trauma research has added an incredible amount of understanding of the borderline organization and what the borderline needs to heal. You want to be rescued from your pain for a reason. That in and of itself is not the answer. You want to be rescued because your pain is so unbearable and/or your pain was so unbearable that most human beings could not cope with it. It sounds to me like you have a traumatized part that might need validation of her pain? And it just FEELS like invalidation when other people seem to carry on with life but it's not. When that traumatized part of you gets what she needs, whatever that is, she will start to calm down.
HUGS,
Liese
thanks for sharing this xoxo.
I've been thinking about when I have felt my T cared for me the most during therapy and it is usually when he has done something unusual, phone sessions when he or I was on vacation, returned my calls, booked extra sessions on short notice, or longer involved replies to emails. He doesn't disclose whether he feels like he is trangressing boundaries or he feels like he is rescuing me usually. I wouldn't have described it as wanting to be rescued but I definitely like the explicit sign of caring that isn't there in our regular interactions.
I'm not sure I can talk about it with my T because when I try to ask if I've crossed a boundary and if it is okay to call/email etc he usually doesn't answer or answers brusquely it's okay and moves on to what I was calling about. It seems obvious to me know that since I read caring into the times he does call that the times he doesn't can feel devastating to me. Now I wonder where I go from here with the realization that I need some kind of caring that I can feel in a regular session.
I've been thinking about when I have felt my T cared for me the most during therapy and it is usually when he has done something unusual, phone sessions when he or I was on vacation, returned my calls, booked extra sessions on short notice, or longer involved replies to emails. He doesn't disclose whether he feels like he is trangressing boundaries or he feels like he is rescuing me usually. I wouldn't have described it as wanting to be rescued but I definitely like the explicit sign of caring that isn't there in our regular interactions.
I'm not sure I can talk about it with my T because when I try to ask if I've crossed a boundary and if it is okay to call/email etc he usually doesn't answer or answers brusquely it's okay and moves on to what I was calling about. It seems obvious to me know that since I read caring into the times he does call that the times he doesn't can feel devastating to me. Now I wonder where I go from here with the realization that I need some kind of caring that I can feel in a regular session.
quote:I talked to my therapist about wanting the child part of me to come out more in sessions. He said-what's stopping you? Still haven't figured that out.
xoxo... this is exactly what I'm grappling with now. I just don't know how to make this happen and it ends up freezing me in fear and then I end up pushing my T away because of being scared. Sorry I don't have any answers I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this struggle.
TN
hi xoxo,
just a quick one to say i hope you're doing better (it sounds like you're doing better in the last couple of posts). i found it sad when you said that you're tired and not a fighter anymore, because I really think you ARE a fighter and always will be.
hugs,
puppet
just a quick one to say i hope you're doing better (it sounds like you're doing better in the last couple of posts). i found it sad when you said that you're tired and not a fighter anymore, because I really think you ARE a fighter and always will be.
hugs,
puppet