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Sorry you are going through this right now with your sister.
What is she trying to avoid by the substance abuse? What type of issue is she dealing with underneath it all? Why does she want the escapism?
What is she trying to avoid by the substance abuse? What type of issue is she dealing with underneath it all? Why does she want the escapism?
xoxo,
I'm sorry you are going thru this. It is a very hard situation I know when it's family.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. It is a very hard situation I know when it's family.
xoxo,
I just remembered a saying when my sister was around and stuff like this was happening that I tried to apply "Love the person hate the disease." I remember finding it helpful to separate it like that...I should re-apply it.
I just remembered a saying when my sister was around and stuff like this was happening that I tried to apply "Love the person hate the disease." I remember finding it helpful to separate it like that...I should re-apply it.
((((((xoxo)))))))))
I'm so sorry you are hurting and dealing with this.
That is one of the hardest things to do. I have to do it with my family, and frankly, I don't interact with them much right now. My T and I joke that my family is like my "kryptonite" because everything about relationships is a million times harder with them. For me, it takes a lot of strong boundaries to be around them - both internal and external boundaries. It helps when I know my own limits of what I can and can't handle... and have my T and others as sounding boards to validate that they are reasonable limits. I still have to limit how much I am around them because even with good boundaries, it still takes a lot out of me and drains my heart. I hope I can get stronger and better at it, and find more things that help too.
Your sister is hurting AND you are doing the very best thing for her by holding these boundaries - and I know it feels like crap. I'm so sorry. You are NOT being cruel, even though I know it feels that way - oh, I know that feeling so well. There have been times where I have had to set a boundary with my mom and closed a door and cried so hard because my mom was hurting and the only way I could help in a healthy way was to say no, let her hurt... in time, my mom did get the kind of help she really needed and we are building a new relationship, a much better one, and she is much happier too. It is still rough, but much better. I never thought it would get better.
I also think you are right about not being able to convince her. She is addicted. She needs to face the consequences of her addiction - stuff you probably already know. She isn't likely to change until she hits her rock bottom...
What about telling your sister of some clear boundaries you need and explaining to her that you need to keep these boundaries with her for yourself, and when she doesn't respect them, it makes you not want to be around her at all, and you do want a relationship with her... then maybe she might see the boundaries as a way for you two to be in relationship with each other? My mom and I have had a handful of those conversations and the frist few times, it was not fun and I don't think my mom understood at all. But now she does, and even will do it with me and tell me the boundaries she needs.
One thing that really helps me is going to an al-anon group. I only go for a couple weeks at a time here and there, but it helps a lot. I read some of the stuff that comes with al-anon too. It helps me not feel so alone and it helps me see how others handle the same kinds of stuff and to see what is mine, and what isn't. It also makes is easier somehow to endure the dysfunction in a healthier way somehow.
I dunno if any of this is at all applicable or fits at all or if all of it is just totally off the map. please disregard anything that isn't helpful.
And no matter what, be very kind to you. It's really tough to navigate this stuff.
hugs to you,
~ jane
I'm so sorry you are hurting and dealing with this.
Try not to take on responsibilities that are not yours - including informing your sister sooner. it isn't your job to take care of her rides and stuff for her.... she should ask, and not assume until you say yes or no, and respect that your own plans can change too. The only part that is yours is just being honest with what you can and can't do, what your boundaries are, and you did that. It is the hardest thing to do with family...quote:She was mad i didn't tell her sooner as she would have gotten a ride from somewhere else but now it's too late. That is true, but i wasn't thinking before.
quote:How can you still be there for someone, but keep your distance with the dysfunctional part at the same time?
That is one of the hardest things to do. I have to do it with my family, and frankly, I don't interact with them much right now. My T and I joke that my family is like my "kryptonite" because everything about relationships is a million times harder with them. For me, it takes a lot of strong boundaries to be around them - both internal and external boundaries. It helps when I know my own limits of what I can and can't handle... and have my T and others as sounding boards to validate that they are reasonable limits. I still have to limit how much I am around them because even with good boundaries, it still takes a lot out of me and drains my heart. I hope I can get stronger and better at it, and find more things that help too.
Your sister is hurting AND you are doing the very best thing for her by holding these boundaries - and I know it feels like crap. I'm so sorry. You are NOT being cruel, even though I know it feels that way - oh, I know that feeling so well. There have been times where I have had to set a boundary with my mom and closed a door and cried so hard because my mom was hurting and the only way I could help in a healthy way was to say no, let her hurt... in time, my mom did get the kind of help she really needed and we are building a new relationship, a much better one, and she is much happier too. It is still rough, but much better. I never thought it would get better.
I also think you are right about not being able to convince her. She is addicted. She needs to face the consequences of her addiction - stuff you probably already know. She isn't likely to change until she hits her rock bottom...
What about telling your sister of some clear boundaries you need and explaining to her that you need to keep these boundaries with her for yourself, and when she doesn't respect them, it makes you not want to be around her at all, and you do want a relationship with her... then maybe she might see the boundaries as a way for you two to be in relationship with each other? My mom and I have had a handful of those conversations and the frist few times, it was not fun and I don't think my mom understood at all. But now she does, and even will do it with me and tell me the boundaries she needs.
One thing that really helps me is going to an al-anon group. I only go for a couple weeks at a time here and there, but it helps a lot. I read some of the stuff that comes with al-anon too. It helps me not feel so alone and it helps me see how others handle the same kinds of stuff and to see what is mine, and what isn't. It also makes is easier somehow to endure the dysfunction in a healthier way somehow.
I dunno if any of this is at all applicable or fits at all or if all of it is just totally off the map. please disregard anything that isn't helpful.
And no matter what, be very kind to you. It's really tough to navigate this stuff.
hugs to you,
~ jane
xoxo,
You're right things do become intertwined and it is so hard to keep them separate. Don't live near family but I did actually speak to her the other day and she sounded the same...anymore I just don't engage in too much with or about her...thanks for asking though. Take care of yourself.
Hopeful
You're right things do become intertwined and it is so hard to keep them separate. Don't live near family but I did actually speak to her the other day and she sounded the same...anymore I just don't engage in too much with or about her...thanks for asking though. Take care of yourself.
Hopeful