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Sounds to me like you responded well to her text. I thought that was a great response!
I know what you mean about feeling off balance about seeing your therapist differently now. My T shares a lot of her personal stories with me. Most of the time it is to show me that she has been through similar things and has overcome hardships. Some of the time though her personal stories are so random that I'm thrown for a loop. I ran into T outside the therapy office and saw her in a different light completely (at a bar getting a bit tipsy and saying WTF to a guy she knew). It was very strange! I did get a hug out of her that evening though. Neither one of us brought that up at my next session exactly. She just told me to stay out of bars and then I just gave her a look.
Anyway, I wish you all the best with your next session.
(((LG)))
I can relate to what you are saying. I had something similar happen in my session yesterday. I was experimenting with giving myself permission not to talk and my T was moving his hand and all of a sudden I said "you aren't wearing your wedding ring'. He said "no" and I said "am I allowed to ask why". He told he and his wife separated. I told him I was sorry. He told me it was over a year ago but he didn't stop wearing the ring right away. Well that changed what I was thinking about.
At the end of my session I said I was sorry again and felt useless. That was the best I could come up with. Since then I've been reviewing all the things I've said in talking about the break up of my brother and his wife. Also at the end of summer I stalked his wife's facebook page and he told he told her that her photos were open. Now I'm just cringing because I'm sure she it was fun to call your ex-wife to tell her your patient was computer stalking her. I haven't even begun to consider why his marriage failed, what it might say about him, and I'm glad I don't know details like you do because I'm sure that makes it more difficult.
I'm not sure what I'm going to say tomorrow but ignoring it also seems impossible. Therapy has been hard enough lately without adding his personal life to it. So I understand the confusion and the off-balance. I know he is my therapist and he has his own friends and therapist to deal with his life.
I hope your session is okay
I can relate to what you are saying. I had something similar happen in my session yesterday. I was experimenting with giving myself permission not to talk and my T was moving his hand and all of a sudden I said "you aren't wearing your wedding ring'. He said "no" and I said "am I allowed to ask why". He told he and his wife separated. I told him I was sorry. He told me it was over a year ago but he didn't stop wearing the ring right away. Well that changed what I was thinking about.
At the end of my session I said I was sorry again and felt useless. That was the best I could come up with. Since then I've been reviewing all the things I've said in talking about the break up of my brother and his wife. Also at the end of summer I stalked his wife's facebook page and he told he told her that her photos were open. Now I'm just cringing because I'm sure she it was fun to call your ex-wife to tell her your patient was computer stalking her. I haven't even begun to consider why his marriage failed, what it might say about him, and I'm glad I don't know details like you do because I'm sure that makes it more difficult.
I'm not sure what I'm going to say tomorrow but ignoring it also seems impossible. Therapy has been hard enough lately without adding his personal life to it. So I understand the confusion and the off-balance. I know he is my therapist and he has his own friends and therapist to deal with his life.
I hope your session is okay
(((((LG))))
Your response sounds perfectly fine to me and very sensitive. I can understand the predicament you are in now. I guess my temptation would be not to bring it up but then will it turn into the elephant in the room?
We all make assumptions about our T's and then when we are presented with conflicting information, we have to restructure all those thoughts and feelings we have about them.
Good luck,
HUGS,
Liese
Your response sounds perfectly fine to me and very sensitive. I can understand the predicament you are in now. I guess my temptation would be not to bring it up but then will it turn into the elephant in the room?
We all make assumptions about our T's and then when we are presented with conflicting information, we have to restructure all those thoughts and feelings we have about them.
Good luck,
HUGS,
Liese
LG, I think you response was compassionate and appropriate. I do think that your T disclosed too much information. It would have been fine to say that "I just ended a long term relationship with my partner"... but to go into the details of why was not appropriate on her part. The reason is because of what you are now feeling and experiencing about her and your upcoming therapy session. It's hard to keep your feelings about what she did from contaminating the therapy. Things start to get confusing and then you hold back or avoid certain topics worrying that it may hurt or trigger your T.
incognito... it was fine for your T to tell you he separated from his wife, after all you noticed his ring missing. But he handled it ethically by not going into detail as to why they separated. You may wonder and it may have you thinking certain things but it won't impact your therapy as much as if he told you his wife was cheating, or an alcoholic or his sex life was lousy, or his wife was too fat or too mean, etc...etc...
Try not to be nervous and if you are, then you could always tell her why and how what she told you has made you feel. I believe it's better to get things out in the open or it will stiffle your work together.
Good luck. Thinking of you
TN
incognito... it was fine for your T to tell you he separated from his wife, after all you noticed his ring missing. But he handled it ethically by not going into detail as to why they separated. You may wonder and it may have you thinking certain things but it won't impact your therapy as much as if he told you his wife was cheating, or an alcoholic or his sex life was lousy, or his wife was too fat or too mean, etc...etc...
Try not to be nervous and if you are, then you could always tell her why and how what she told you has made you feel. I believe it's better to get things out in the open or it will stiffle your work together.
Good luck. Thinking of you
TN
Kind of agree with TN here. My T is pretty disclose-y in a relevant ("I'm a human with a certain set of experiences that allows me to understand and empathize with you") sort of way, but I don't think he'd ever give that many details about something so significant. Really, my main worry would just be that rather than being relatable, it will feel like you have to avoid certain categories of discussion to protect her. I know that I would do that, feel kind of like certain topics were taboo or at least agonize over stuff I had shared.
That said, it doesn't seem like you feel it has significantly/negatively impacted you right now. I know when my T allows himself to seem more human to me, the connection often feels stronger, more real, safer. (Of course after this I have an immediate punishing reaction for having "broken" the rules by making him connect with me, which must be horrifying and detestable). Anyway, I'm not sure what advice to give other than that your therapy is there for you to work through things and if you feel a need to discuss how her disclosure has impacted you, both the positive and negative aspects. Hopefully, she'd be able to help you work through those feelings objectively. That is something I have done with T once when he disclosed, harmlessly, that his wife was picking him up, so we had a hard stop in terms of time, but which caused me to drive off before grounding, because I thought I saw her in the parking lot.
That said, it doesn't seem like you feel it has significantly/negatively impacted you right now. I know when my T allows himself to seem more human to me, the connection often feels stronger, more real, safer. (Of course after this I have an immediate punishing reaction for having "broken" the rules by making him connect with me, which must be horrifying and detestable). Anyway, I'm not sure what advice to give other than that your therapy is there for you to work through things and if you feel a need to discuss how her disclosure has impacted you, both the positive and negative aspects. Hopefully, she'd be able to help you work through those feelings objectively. That is something I have done with T once when he disclosed, harmlessly, that his wife was picking him up, so we had a hard stop in terms of time, but which caused me to drive off before grounding, because I thought I saw her in the parking lot.
Hmm personally if I knew my T was dating an addict that would make me want to run. Like now I know they have bigger issues than I do kind of way. I wouldn't want a T who tolerated an "abusive" lifestyle.
LK
LK
Right but it was a long term relationship.
That's just me because of where my issues are ie I am a child of divorce. I'd want a shrink that was in a stable loving relationship if I could know about that part of their life. I'd want someone who modeled/ understood the inside of what that is.
I understand now that I am older that's more complex than I used to think just because someone is in a seemingly stable relationship to the outside world doesn't mean its a great relationship on the inside.
I haven't known people well with addiction problems ever and it isn't in my family so its not familiar to me what that's like and easy for me to say I'd stay clear. I might feel different if my father had been an addict about being close to addicts because I had no choice. I am familiar with the concept of enabling minus the alcohol.
I wouldn't want to know my shrink was part of a enabling relationship because I personally would see that is weak but again it may be ok for you. I can't speak to your needs etc..
Being an alcoholic itself is arguably abusive / manipulative behavior. I don't mean necessarily literal physical abuse.
That's just me because of where my issues are ie I am a child of divorce. I'd want a shrink that was in a stable loving relationship if I could know about that part of their life. I'd want someone who modeled/ understood the inside of what that is.
I understand now that I am older that's more complex than I used to think just because someone is in a seemingly stable relationship to the outside world doesn't mean its a great relationship on the inside.
I haven't known people well with addiction problems ever and it isn't in my family so its not familiar to me what that's like and easy for me to say I'd stay clear. I might feel different if my father had been an addict about being close to addicts because I had no choice. I am familiar with the concept of enabling minus the alcohol.
I wouldn't want to know my shrink was part of a enabling relationship because I personally would see that is weak but again it may be ok for you. I can't speak to your needs etc..
Being an alcoholic itself is arguably abusive / manipulative behavior. I don't mean necessarily literal physical abuse.
In case it helps any, sometimes you can be in a relationship with an alcoholic and it's not obvious at first. Not all alcoholics drink every day or chronically come home drunk or obvious things like that. I had a friend who dated an alcoholic and he would drink socially and get drunk maybe once a month, but when he did he would be out of control. Sometimes it can take a while to see a pattern.
LG,
I think my T was uncomfortable talking about it and he handled it well. I asked because I was in an unusual space because I was intentionally not talking. A minute after he told me he said that he felt like he had put something in the space when he was trying to leave it open for me. I said I understood he didn't have a choice because not telling me what have put something different into the space.
In my second session last week we talked about it some more. I told him I felt bad about some of the things I'd said and done that might have made things more difficult for him. He said I didn't know and it was his job to manage and take care of things so they didn't impact his job. I told him I felt like there were things I shouldn't talk about now (like my brother's separation) and that I generally avoid saying things that I think are hard for him like when I feel hopeless. He said that trying to avoid hurting people was impossible and just resulted in me not interacting with them. That he is sensitive and wounded in different ways but I couldn't possibly avoid them. It ended up being an interesting conversation about more than just my sensitivity to his marriage breakdown.
I hope talking to your T about what you feel like you need to avoid helps you as well.
I think my T was uncomfortable talking about it and he handled it well. I asked because I was in an unusual space because I was intentionally not talking. A minute after he told me he said that he felt like he had put something in the space when he was trying to leave it open for me. I said I understood he didn't have a choice because not telling me what have put something different into the space.
In my second session last week we talked about it some more. I told him I felt bad about some of the things I'd said and done that might have made things more difficult for him. He said I didn't know and it was his job to manage and take care of things so they didn't impact his job. I told him I felt like there were things I shouldn't talk about now (like my brother's separation) and that I generally avoid saying things that I think are hard for him like when I feel hopeless. He said that trying to avoid hurting people was impossible and just resulted in me not interacting with them. That he is sensitive and wounded in different ways but I couldn't possibly avoid them. It ended up being an interesting conversation about more than just my sensitivity to his marriage breakdown.
I hope talking to your T about what you feel like you need to avoid helps you as well.
Hi LG,
It does sound like your T gave you a lot of personal information. I'd probably feel like you given the circumstances. My T seems to regularly give out a lot of personal information... so much so that I had to tell her that I was getting too much info. As a result she has become more sensitive to what she discloses. The interesting thing though is that the information that she has shared has been really helpful in me seeing her as a whole person. In some ways it has helped me to open up to her more. I think it can be a mixed bag though. I hope that you are able to talk with your T about it and let her know what you need.
It does sound like your T gave you a lot of personal information. I'd probably feel like you given the circumstances. My T seems to regularly give out a lot of personal information... so much so that I had to tell her that I was getting too much info. As a result she has become more sensitive to what she discloses. The interesting thing though is that the information that she has shared has been really helpful in me seeing her as a whole person. In some ways it has helped me to open up to her more. I think it can be a mixed bag though. I hope that you are able to talk with your T about it and let her know what you need.