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This therapist kind of sounds like a jerk.
For me texting my t I think would be too much contact - too personal. I'd feel like he'd be compelled to respond asap. I do email my T and its like 600 works = 5 minutes of his time.
I was initially very pro email. I loved having that option for 3 years. Lately I've become anti email because of the lack of tone of voice.
For me texting my t I think would be too much contact - too personal. I'd feel like he'd be compelled to respond asap. I do email my T and its like 600 works = 5 minutes of his time.
I was initially very pro email. I loved having that option for 3 years. Lately I've become anti email because of the lack of tone of voice.
I emailed my former T many times. It caused problems not because she didn't like getting emails (she said she liked hearing updates) but because I couldn't get her tone of voice from an email response and therefore read all kinds of negative things into her responses.
I don't email my new T except for scheduling and it's been a lot smoother sailing.
I don't email my new T except for scheduling and it's been a lot smoother sailing.
I do understand the time constraints. Running a business takes a lot of time. Time is a real limiter, unfortunately.
However, I would hesitate to confide in a T that would choose to put my thoughts (I take risks everytime I write something to my T) in "" mocking quotation marks.
His attitude, not his real time constraints, are dismissive. He also seems more concerned about covering his ass than caring for clients, and perhaps should consider a career as a lawyer or expert witness.
If it were me, I would tell the client that I had time to go through emails once per week, read them, with no guaranteed reply, and probably no long replies. That's what mine does. And he does read them, it gives him good background info.
As the T, I would also consider incorporating this extra time into my hourly fee, that way it could be billable time. Itemized charges for replying to emails just seems tacky to me. I would pay a slightly higher fee to feel cared for.
Now I feel a bit of guilt because of some of my long-winded correspondences, but he encourages it. Honestly, it takes me a long time to write but only about 5-10 min to read, if that. But that could add up.
Cat: I hear you!!!
Maybe I'm just lucky.
However, I would hesitate to confide in a T that would choose to put my thoughts (I take risks everytime I write something to my T) in "" mocking quotation marks.
His attitude, not his real time constraints, are dismissive. He also seems more concerned about covering his ass than caring for clients, and perhaps should consider a career as a lawyer or expert witness.
If it were me, I would tell the client that I had time to go through emails once per week, read them, with no guaranteed reply, and probably no long replies. That's what mine does. And he does read them, it gives him good background info.
As the T, I would also consider incorporating this extra time into my hourly fee, that way it could be billable time. Itemized charges for replying to emails just seems tacky to me. I would pay a slightly higher fee to feel cared for.
Now I feel a bit of guilt because of some of my long-winded correspondences, but he encourages it. Honestly, it takes me a long time to write but only about 5-10 min to read, if that. But that could add up.
Cat: I hear you!!!
Maybe I'm just lucky.
My T has not said anything about emails and I tend to keep them short and straight to the point ie: I want an appointment, send me a time.
The only change to that was when I wasn't able to go over so I updated weekly basic points so that he knew that I was not making excuses but was genuinely intending to return when I could.
I dislike email and phone sessions, they are not my preference at all and although I was offered phone sessions because I was in distress, I knew I wouldn't be able to do them so I declined.
I have no idea whether he found the updates useful or not, nor even whether he just skimmed to see where his next fee was coming from (or not) or read and noted them. Don't care really because it makes no difference at all to how I feel about my life right now.
The only change to that was when I wasn't able to go over so I updated weekly basic points so that he knew that I was not making excuses but was genuinely intending to return when I could.
I dislike email and phone sessions, they are not my preference at all and although I was offered phone sessions because I was in distress, I knew I wouldn't be able to do them so I declined.
I have no idea whether he found the updates useful or not, nor even whether he just skimmed to see where his next fee was coming from (or not) or read and noted them. Don't care really because it makes no difference at all to how I feel about my life right now.
xoxo:
I hear you. It has to be hard to be a T. I have been on the receiving end of something similar and have had to draw boundaries. I can see both sides.
I also think (know) that some people just don't care for email as a mode of communication, just as others are less comfortable with phone contact, texting, etc.
I think that part of the "good fit" with a T is to match communication styles.. now that we have all these options. It may seem obvious, but is also seems that there is a lot of trial-and-error involved.
Keep in mind too, that not all of us do traditional in-office therapy. Phone and written correspondence is what we work with, some do Skype, etc. I personally quite enjoy technology (although social networking more than emails, they overwhelm me)
I hear you. It has to be hard to be a T. I have been on the receiving end of something similar and have had to draw boundaries. I can see both sides.
I also think (know) that some people just don't care for email as a mode of communication, just as others are less comfortable with phone contact, texting, etc.
I think that part of the "good fit" with a T is to match communication styles.. now that we have all these options. It may seem obvious, but is also seems that there is a lot of trial-and-error involved.
Keep in mind too, that not all of us do traditional in-office therapy. Phone and written correspondence is what we work with, some do Skype, etc. I personally quite enjoy technology (although social networking more than emails, they overwhelm me)
When I searched for a new T I was looking for someone who was comfortable with outside contact because I knew I needed it, especially then, because I was so traumatized. I was truly blessed to find my T who is very comfortable with email and his boundaries around using it. He also has a beeper that I can use when I really need to talk to him.
He says he will do his best to respond to emails within 24 hours and if I don't hear from him to re-send it. I will email him once a week or every other week. I only write a paragraph or two and he will respond with reassurance. I don't ask to process anything via email or try to prolong sessions that way. We use it for connection and reassurance mostly. If I email my T in the evening I'm 99% sure to get a response early the next morning. That is his routine... he answers email in the early morning before his day begins.
He tells me things like he'd rather hear from me in an email which takes a very few minutes to read and respond to than to either have me dysregulated and uncontained for days or have me show up to session a big mess because my emotions have snowballed. He also says I'm easy to respond to because I am brief and to the point and I know what I need and I ask him for it.
It works well for us but I can understand that other Ts need their own boundaries around this issue. The issue becomes a problem when the T is inconsistent which then leads the patient to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship. It can also be a problem if the emails are too lengthy or numerous. My T said if that would happen we would just talk about it because it would mean I'm leaving him while I'm too uncontained and dysregulated.
TN
He says he will do his best to respond to emails within 24 hours and if I don't hear from him to re-send it. I will email him once a week or every other week. I only write a paragraph or two and he will respond with reassurance. I don't ask to process anything via email or try to prolong sessions that way. We use it for connection and reassurance mostly. If I email my T in the evening I'm 99% sure to get a response early the next morning. That is his routine... he answers email in the early morning before his day begins.
He tells me things like he'd rather hear from me in an email which takes a very few minutes to read and respond to than to either have me dysregulated and uncontained for days or have me show up to session a big mess because my emotions have snowballed. He also says I'm easy to respond to because I am brief and to the point and I know what I need and I ask him for it.
It works well for us but I can understand that other Ts need their own boundaries around this issue. The issue becomes a problem when the T is inconsistent which then leads the patient to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship. It can also be a problem if the emails are too lengthy or numerous. My T said if that would happen we would just talk about it because it would mean I'm leaving him while I'm too uncontained and dysregulated.
TN
It took me a while to warm up to the idea of calling or emailing my T, regardless of her reminding me at the end of rough sessions that the option was available to me.
A few weeks ago, I asked her again if the emails I sent were an issue -Either of her time, inconvienience etc... She assured me again that the amount of emailing I did was fully appropriate and beneficial, as in her eyes it showed my starting to deal with things 'in the moment', opposed to trying to write them down and save them for the next week when the feeling was no longer 'present'.
My T indicates that she doesn't text her clients..and I'm completely okay with that.
A few weeks ago, I asked her again if the emails I sent were an issue -Either of her time, inconvienience etc... She assured me again that the amount of emailing I did was fully appropriate and beneficial, as in her eyes it showed my starting to deal with things 'in the moment', opposed to trying to write them down and save them for the next week when the feeling was no longer 'present'.
My T indicates that she doesn't text her clients..and I'm completely okay with that.
Hi Lady Grey
thanks for the link. I have to say, the writer really pissed me off. I wonder if he would have written things differently if he knew clients would be reading. My instinct says yes, and that pisses me off more. His article reads like he's winking to an audience of "in-the-knows" who commiserate with him. If he's that annoyed by "breakthrough" emails, it's easy enough to take if off the table as an option for his clients.
Personally, I have never emailed my T. She's never offered and I've never asked. I sometimes wish I could, because for me, email feels a bit like the 'easier way out'. I know I can communicate in writing. It's the verbal stuff I have problems with. So it feels like, if I email, I am 'cheating' my way out of working through stuff that I have trouble with. But, ultimately, I don't *really* know. Because I've never emailed, I don't have any experience with whether it would make a difference to me-- damaging or not.
thanks for the link. I have to say, the writer really pissed me off. I wonder if he would have written things differently if he knew clients would be reading. My instinct says yes, and that pisses me off more. His article reads like he's winking to an audience of "in-the-knows" who commiserate with him. If he's that annoyed by "breakthrough" emails, it's easy enough to take if off the table as an option for his clients.
Personally, I have never emailed my T. She's never offered and I've never asked. I sometimes wish I could, because for me, email feels a bit like the 'easier way out'. I know I can communicate in writing. It's the verbal stuff I have problems with. So it feels like, if I email, I am 'cheating' my way out of working through stuff that I have trouble with. But, ultimately, I don't *really* know. Because I've never emailed, I don't have any experience with whether it would make a difference to me-- damaging or not.
One of the coolest things about my relationship with my T is he lets me email him articles that I find interesting on any subject. He lets me "educate" him on any topic and doesn't charge for this. I like a T so willing to learn and open! Lucky me.
My T encouraged me from the get-go to write. It is very therapeutic. I wonder if sometimes he regrets encouraging me 
I agree with the T in the article, although he could have phrased it more nicely. Without tone or gestures, it's hard to understand the person's intent. I once had a T who assumed I was about to commit suicide based on an email, when I wasn't suicidal at all.
Some clients may also abuse the privilege by sending long-winded emails regularly. I wouldn't send one of my professors a lengthy email detailing my personal life; I would make an appointment if I wanted to discuss something, and that's what I do with my T.
Some clients may also abuse the privilege by sending long-winded emails regularly. I wouldn't send one of my professors a lengthy email detailing my personal life; I would make an appointment if I wanted to discuss something, and that's what I do with my T.
I have waited a while to reply here, because I am super triggered around this topic, but I am one of the clients that a lot would view as "taking advantage" of electronic contact. In my case, my T has specifically encouraged me to reach out via text consistently. He likes knowing where I'm at between sessions and being able to reassure me when I'm scared about losing or ruining the connection. After bringing in some print outs early on in our work (like third session?), he expressed interest in seeing my journaling on a regular basis. So, I share all my therapy-related journals with him, and they can get quite long. He always praises them as "great" and "insightful" and "so helpful" to our work together. In both of these contexts, it is well-known that I cannot expect a reply. In the case of texting, if I ask for a reply, I will get one eventually, usually within hours, never longer than a day (unless it is regarding scheduling that he doesn't have information on yet). For emails, he does not reply at all. He reads and notates my journals and we use them as a jumping off point for sessions. When I haven't been journaling in a while, T actually reminds and encourages me to do so, especially if he thinks there might be a lot getting stirred up.
I have expressed to T several times that I can stop sending the journals and the texts. I have told him in nearly every single email that I have no expectation of him reading it within any time frame or ever, but do appreciate that he finds them important. I have panicked to him over and over about the sheer amount of time, energy and care he is investing in our work. He simply continues to reassure me that he views all of that positively, it is never a burden, he seems the amount I am receiving as necessary and justified considering what we are working on, it is something he feels enabled to do. I know that this period of intense need will pass in time (and probably more quickly if I stop battling myself to hold back and protect him all the time). I still feel like I'm taking advantage, but objectively, I know my T feels positively about it, because he tells me all the time, even when I am not expressing any reservations. I don't think it is something that he could do with every single client, but I do think it is something he would offer to anyone he saw in need.
Anyway, I think as long as a T is clear about their boundaries and doesn't let the client have unreasonable expectations, it's a fine medium to work with.
I have expressed to T several times that I can stop sending the journals and the texts. I have told him in nearly every single email that I have no expectation of him reading it within any time frame or ever, but do appreciate that he finds them important. I have panicked to him over and over about the sheer amount of time, energy and care he is investing in our work. He simply continues to reassure me that he views all of that positively, it is never a burden, he seems the amount I am receiving as necessary and justified considering what we are working on, it is something he feels enabled to do. I know that this period of intense need will pass in time (and probably more quickly if I stop battling myself to hold back and protect him all the time). I still feel like I'm taking advantage, but objectively, I know my T feels positively about it, because he tells me all the time, even when I am not expressing any reservations. I don't think it is something that he could do with every single client, but I do think it is something he would offer to anyone he saw in need.
Anyway, I think as long as a T is clear about their boundaries and doesn't let the client have unreasonable expectations, it's a fine medium to work with.
Greenleaf:
Remember not all therapy is done in office. There are weeks that go by where this IS what the therapy looks like- the written word.
All good, but I like the unconventional therapy, it works for us. I just had to contact my T today to make sure that it was still OK, this thread got me a little worried.. but he assured me that the correspondence is good. We have both agreed that he can read them at his leisure and that he does not need to respond to all.
Yaku- Your second paragraph I could have written myself.
It is also good to keep in mind that some (myself included) literally do not have any one other than our T's to confide in. No friends, family, etc, to talk to. I just wanted to add that to the mix. It is a little more triggering to me than I thought as well
Remember not all therapy is done in office. There are weeks that go by where this IS what the therapy looks like- the written word.
All good, but I like the unconventional therapy, it works for us. I just had to contact my T today to make sure that it was still OK, this thread got me a little worried.. but he assured me that the correspondence is good. We have both agreed that he can read them at his leisure and that he does not need to respond to all.
Yaku- Your second paragraph I could have written myself.
It is also good to keep in mind that some (myself included) literally do not have any one other than our T's to confide in. No friends, family, etc, to talk to. I just wanted to add that to the mix. It is a little more triggering to me than I thought as well
I know it's hard sometimes...but I think this guy has it wrong.
I recently received a response from my T that actually said she was 'glad' that I took the time to email.
No, really.
She told me that even if she knew my email didn't need a response, that she knew the theraputic value that sending it held for me. She went on to say that it gave her insight on my inner processing.
It all made me feel like I wasn't really wasting her time after all...
I know we all struggle with this, thought I'd offer some support to why the guy who wrote this article is probably far off.
I recently received a response from my T that actually said she was 'glad' that I took the time to email.
No, really.
She told me that even if she knew my email didn't need a response, that she knew the theraputic value that sending it held for me. She went on to say that it gave her insight on my inner processing.
It all made me feel like I wasn't really wasting her time after all...
I know we all struggle with this, thought I'd offer some support to why the guy who wrote this article is probably far off.
Hello LadyGrey, nice to "meet" you
This was a very interesting article. Like many, I was a bit irked by his tone. I also found this interesting; I certainly hope I've never emailed my T anything that would bother her. I would also hope my T wouldn't have the audacity to encourage something that would cause her to harbour resentment. Thanks for sharing!
This was a very interesting article. Like many, I was a bit irked by his tone. I also found this interesting; I certainly hope I've never emailed my T anything that would bother her. I would also hope my T wouldn't have the audacity to encourage something that would cause her to harbour resentment. Thanks for sharing!
One of the "issues" that I have is being OVERLY concerned with boundaries. Frankly, I"m a little tired of the word itself. I was constantly worrying about overstepping them, and it was (in the words of my T) hindering our progress. I tend to withdraw and assume that people don't want to talk to me, return phone calls, texts, etc. Because that IS what was happening. People are in a deep habit of blowing each other off, simply because it is too "inconvenient" to return a phone call or text. I don't Inundate people with VM messages or texts, either... once or twice is enough.
It is a recent trend to overemphasize "boundaries" and underemphasize human connection, in my opinion. I don't know how many self-help books I have seen that discuss this- talking about one's problems is considered "emotional vampirism", beng in the presence of someone in pain is too much for "friends" to handle, and we must all lower our "expectations" of our fellow human beings and their capacity for empathy and listening. Keeping our "shit" to ourselves is considered a virtue in this day and age. Seriously, I am so conservative and skittish about reaching out that it is ridiculous. Distraction was the only tool in my toolbox. It works well, but only for so long.
I don't "abuse" my privileges with the written correspondence. (Well, I do write a lot here, I guess I could worry about that now Certainly I have worried about it. But with T I have not even come close, according to T. He knows what he is doing.
So yes, I do resent what this T has had to say and how he has said it. He is not part of my therapeutic process, he is not my T, and he certainly does not have an open mind.
Having said that I still keep a self-imposed cap on the writing, because I don't want to accidentally run into that boundary that freaks me out so much!
I was constantly worrying about overstepping them, and it was (in the words of my T) hindering our progress. I tend to withdraw and assume that people don't want to talk to me, return phone calls, texts, etc. Because that IS what was happening. People are in a deep habit of blowing each other off, simply because it is too "inconvenient" to return a phone call or text. I don't Inundate people with VM messages or texts, either... once or twice is enough. It is a recent trend to overemphasize "boundaries" and underemphasize human connection, in my opinion. I don't know how many self-help books I have seen that discuss this- talking about one's problems is considered "emotional vampirism", beng in the presence of someone in pain is too much for "friends" to handle, and we must all lower our "expectations" of our fellow human beings and their capacity for empathy and listening. Keeping our "shit" to ourselves is considered a virtue in this day and age. Seriously, I am so conservative and skittish about reaching out that it is ridiculous. Distraction was the only tool in my toolbox. It works well, but only for so long.
I don't "abuse" my privileges with the written correspondence. (Well, I do write a lot here, I guess I could worry about that now
Certainly I have worried about it. But with T I have not even come close, according to T. He knows what he is doing. So yes, I do resent what this T has had to say and how he has said it. He is not part of my therapeutic process, he is not my T, and he certainly does not have an open mind.
Having said that I still keep a self-imposed cap on the writing, because I don't want to accidentally run into that boundary that freaks me out so much!
I read the article, and while I understand what he was saying, it still makes my hair stand on end.
Email has been an ongoing not so nice discussion between my T and me for years, yes, years.
She doesn't allow texts, email, and if you need a phone call, call and make an appt. for a phone call. Arghhhhhhhhh.
I am a writer, and writing is an important part of my expression, of who I am. Writers write, dancers dance, singers sing, etc.
She says no email for security reasons, but it wasn't always that way, so I'm not buying it.
Many of us have been led to believe, and have always felt like we don't have a voice. I think that texts, and email should be something that is unique to a client, and if it is used properly, and helps the therapy, why not.
Email has been an ongoing not so nice discussion between my T and me for years, yes, years.
She doesn't allow texts, email, and if you need a phone call, call and make an appt. for a phone call. Arghhhhhhhhh.
I am a writer, and writing is an important part of my expression, of who I am. Writers write, dancers dance, singers sing, etc.
She says no email for security reasons, but it wasn't always that way, so I'm not buying it.
Many of us have been led to believe, and have always felt like we don't have a voice. I think that texts, and email should be something that is unique to a client, and if it is used properly, and helps the therapy, why not.
My ex C (the awful one who terminated with me by EMAIL.) well she let me email her and she slowly got to resenting it deeply and it was a mess.
I would send stuff that I could not say and hope she would read it and she would sometimes and sometimes not. She also supported me deeply when I was away out of the country , via email. We were completely muddled up as there were no guidelines. I forget why she gave me email, oh - it was because I was away and wanted to tell her who a big event went. Then it sort of slipped and I used it more and she did not draw the boundary. So in the end I felt I had abused it and got punished. she was useless at both being clear about boundaries and also about stating how she felt before she got so resentful she could spit.
anyway, that so called 'therapeutic' relationship was incredibly damaging. She also read my blog, because I asked her to once and then she kept reading it and I did not know what to do about it. A real mess.
My present, professional, experienced, steady and sound psychologist once made the mistake of phoning me on his work mobile and I did last number retrieve and got it. Then one time when all hell had broken loose my husband texted him. Since then it sort of slipped in that I text him if I want him to phone me. He has never told me off for this. It works better as the reception often don't get my message via phone to him.
then I have started to just occasionally tell him via text that I miss him and he sends a text back saying he is there. that can keep me going for a day or more. Then I sometimes - four times? - have pummlled him via text, and he has been kind and said ' sorry you are having a hard time." We seem to understand each other.
I have often thought if he wonders about the texting going on, but he has never said anything.
He does ask me to keep in mind that we are hoping to head towards me not needing a phone call each week in between sessions but I have not managed that yet. I DO know I am supposed to be heading towards that but I just feel it is so way out of my league right now that it is ridiculous to even hope. I just cannot make it more than three days ... if I try to everything escalates. I point that out to him and he agrees that he prefers me to text or contact him than have me arrive at a session all worked up and upset and we have to kind of working on all that first. A bit like what TN's T said.
He also knows I know his email address. I have never used it. He has never offered. I give him articles etc printed out. I think I am taking over his life enough as it is, he probably thinks "Enough already!"
I would send stuff that I could not say and hope she would read it and she would sometimes and sometimes not. She also supported me deeply when I was away out of the country , via email. We were completely muddled up as there were no guidelines. I forget why she gave me email, oh - it was because I was away and wanted to tell her who a big event went. Then it sort of slipped and I used it more and she did not draw the boundary. So in the end I felt I had abused it and got punished. she was useless at both being clear about boundaries and also about stating how she felt before she got so resentful she could spit.
anyway, that so called 'therapeutic' relationship was incredibly damaging. She also read my blog, because I asked her to once and then she kept reading it and I did not know what to do about it. A real mess.
My present, professional, experienced, steady and sound psychologist once made the mistake of phoning me on his work mobile and I did last number retrieve and got it. Then one time when all hell had broken loose my husband texted him. Since then it sort of slipped in that I text him if I want him to phone me. He has never told me off for this. It works better as the reception often don't get my message via phone to him.
then I have started to just occasionally tell him via text that I miss him and he sends a text back saying he is there. that can keep me going for a day or more. Then I sometimes - four times? - have pummlled him via text, and he has been kind and said ' sorry you are having a hard time." We seem to understand each other.
I have often thought if he wonders about the texting going on, but he has never said anything.
He does ask me to keep in mind that we are hoping to head towards me not needing a phone call each week in between sessions but I have not managed that yet. I DO know I am supposed to be heading towards that but I just feel it is so way out of my league right now that it is ridiculous to even hope. I just cannot make it more than three days ... if I try to everything escalates. I point that out to him and he agrees that he prefers me to text or contact him than have me arrive at a session all worked up and upset and we have to kind of working on all that first. A bit like what TN's T said.
He also knows I know his email address. I have never used it. He has never offered. I give him articles etc printed out. I think I am taking over his life enough as it is, he probably thinks "Enough already!"
quote:Originally posted by True North:
The issue becomes a problem when the T is inconsistent which then leads the patient to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship.
I wish all T's could get this, mine included.
I recently fell apart and raged at my T after she failed (again) to respond to several of my texts. I told her I hated her and would never trust her again (yes it was a tantrum).
We have an agreement that she will respond to my texts during the week, but during the weekend she will not. Well, after my 5th text during the week with no response, my anxiety had intensified since I text with the expectation of receiving a reassuring response. Then she finally responded with a snotty attitude, "BTW, I work all day; can't answer texts" --even though she has responded to me during the day many, many times in the past. WTF?
In the session following, T said she doesn't know how to keep from hurting me with texting because her life isn't consistent and she can't always respond right away. She went on about not having time in her morning routine, and not having time during her workday either unless a client cancels or she has an unfilled opening. Then she complained that she needed to devote her time to her H at night because he's retired and waits 12 hours all day long to see her for an hour or two at night, and he is her first priority, and he has asked her repeatedly, "Honey, can we just not text?"
But I can't help but hope that she will, if it is even a remote possibility. And usually she does. But when she doesn't, it really throws me.
So I thought about it for a few days, because T had asked me to think about how we could fix this problem from reoccurring. The fact is my T won't commit to be completely consistent. She will only "do her best." And I am also faced with feeling guilty about my neediness. Therefore, I tearfully told her I was freeing her from texting me back, ever, and to please not write back anymore because I couldn't help being hurt whenever she didn't so I just didn't want to be able to hope for it anymore. I also said that though I would not expect replies, I probably would continue to text her, though I would work towards eventually not texting her too.
Guess what my T's response was? She texted me back anyway. She said, "I hope you will rethink this. I don't want to not hear from you. We just need to figure it out, k?"
She sent me another one a few days later.
Then today I went to another session and she acted again like the decision was up to me, but that she thought my black and white approach would be detrimental because in the past I have benefited by communicating things via text that I have a hard time introducing when in person, but which were things we've ended up discussing in follow-up to the texting and it has been a good thing. Which is a valid point. I know that if we cease texting then I will grow more distant from her and open up less.
It feels so complicated.
quote:It feels so complicated.
((((((((Cipher)))))))))
It feels complicated because your T is trying to make you do a part of her job which is impossible for you to do while you are also the patient. This sense of everything being complicated is exactly how I felt when a former T of mine asked me to figure out how I was going to keep the transference in the therapy from damaging my marriage. It was impossible for me to answer that question...because it wasn't my JOB to do that. It was HIS job to keep the boundaries, and as long as he did that, it wouldn't damage my marriage. Same thing is true in your case, as far as I can see it. Your T needs to define, establish, and keep the boundaries with respect to texting. It is impossible for you to be both T and patient, Cipher. I am sorry your T is putting you in this position. I know you are attached to her. I just wish it didn't seem to be hurting you more than helping. For me, the "therapy" with that former T was truly hurting more than helping. However, I didn't give up trying to do the therapy "right" until HE terminated ME. And when I had to find another T, I ended up finding one who kept the boundaries perfectly. It was SUCH a relief to finally actually GET to BE the "patient" and not have to try to do the T's job for him, too. I'm really grateful that I found her. I so much hope that either A) your T can figure out how to do this (soon!), or B) you can find someone who can. You work so hard for your healing, Cipher. You deserve to have a T who can really help you.
Hugs,
SG
SG, you have always been so supportive. Thank you. I too am glad that your most recent T knew how to do it right. I'm sure you must miss her. How are you doing these days?
My T would say that she has defined the rules (re-defined, IMO) by stating that although she will try to answer me during the week, (1) she will only get back to me when/if she can because her life is unpredictable, and (2) she expects me to exercise trust in her when she doesn't answer, that its nothing personal, because I need to practice hanging on to the connection between us.
I, on the other hand, always want her to be the same, and very predictable. I guess she thinks that is unrealistic or that it will retard my progress if I never have to take a leap of faith to trust her when she doesn't answer.
quote:Your T needs to define, establish, and keep the boundaries with respect to texting.
My T would say that she has defined the rules (re-defined, IMO) by stating that although she will try to answer me during the week, (1) she will only get back to me when/if she can because her life is unpredictable, and (2) she expects me to exercise trust in her when she doesn't answer, that its nothing personal, because I need to practice hanging on to the connection between us.
I, on the other hand, always want her to be the same, and very predictable. I guess she thinks that is unrealistic or that it will retard my progress if I never have to take a leap of faith to trust her when she doesn't answer.
((((Cipher)))) Thank you!! I am so glad you are taking what I'm saying as supportive of you, because that's exactly my intention.
So, I hope you don't mind if I get up on my soapbox, in response to what you said your T would say.
This is something I feel extremely passionate about. And as your T would probably point out, I am not a T. But I AM a parent, so I've experienced attachment needs from that viewpoint. And I also experienced them as a child and know how that went for me. So here is what I've learned.
One of my children is an extreme extrovert and had no problem with separation anxiety. My other child is just the opposite, and was very fearful as a young child about going into new situations. She would frequently not want to go into any kind of child care or parties...and although I invited her to go, encouraged her to go, showed her how much fun she'd have, I never MADE her go. Instead, I made it clear that she could always stay with me if she wanted to. And she often did. There were times this was inconvenient for me, and times when I got "those looks" from the other parents, who believed along the same lines as your T seems to, that the way to build trust is to "force" children into situations where they have no choice but to "trust".
But IMO, and IME (in my experience as a child, where my parents were reliably not available), those children don't learn "trust". They simply learn to be quiet and accept that their parents WON'T be there for them. This may LOOK like trust, and it's convenient enough for the parent, but really, what other choice does the child have?
But I wanted my daughter to build that secure base with me, and was hoping and betting that eventually her natural curiosity would lead her to try more new experiences. Today she is almost nine years old and has absolutely no trouble separating from me for parties, overnights, etc. This morning she was just telling me about a week-long girl scouting camping trip she wants to go on this summer.
So here is how I think this relates to what you said about your T.
Any parenting book these days will say that consistency is HUGE in establishing security in their children. And although I know your T isn't your parent, the therapeutic relationship often mirrors that of the parent-child relationship. Which is why a T must be consistent with their boundaries. I don't see anything wrong with what you are wanting, Cipher.
I am just really confounded by this. How does one "practice hanging on to the connection" when that connection has never been reliably established in the first place? IMO, her "rules" are too unpredictable to really be anything reliable. This just sounds to me like parents who want to force their kids into "trusting" before they've taken the time to build up enough experiences to establish that trust.
And I also want to be clear, that I'm not saying that your T must necessarily answer every text immediately. She may even establish her boundary at no texting, ever. But I really hear you saying that you need her to be predictable, and always the same. What that specifically means is up to her. But IMO she is evading her own responsibility to establish consistent boundaries by expecting you to "trust" her when she is inconsistent. But to me that is a contradiction in terms. How can I "trust" someone who is "inconsistent"? My daughter learned to trust in our relationship by my being consistent. I just really think you might need the same thing.
And now I will get down off my soapbox.
Hugs,
SG
I am so glad you are taking what I'm saying as supportive of you, because that's exactly my intention. So, I hope you don't mind if I get up on my soapbox, in response to what you said your T would say.
This is something I feel extremely passionate about. And as your T would probably point out, I am not a T. But I AM a parent, so I've experienced attachment needs from that viewpoint. And I also experienced them as a child and know how that went for me. So here is what I've learned.
One of my children is an extreme extrovert and had no problem with separation anxiety. My other child is just the opposite, and was very fearful as a young child about going into new situations. She would frequently not want to go into any kind of child care or parties...and although I invited her to go, encouraged her to go, showed her how much fun she'd have, I never MADE her go. Instead, I made it clear that she could always stay with me if she wanted to. And she often did. There were times this was inconvenient for me, and times when I got "those looks" from the other parents, who believed along the same lines as your T seems to, that the way to build trust is to "force" children into situations where they have no choice but to "trust".
But IMO, and IME (in my experience as a child, where my parents were reliably not available), those children don't learn "trust". They simply learn to be quiet and accept that their parents WON'T be there for them. This may LOOK like trust, and it's convenient enough for the parent, but really, what other choice does the child have?
But I wanted my daughter to build that secure base with me, and was hoping and betting that eventually her natural curiosity would lead her to try more new experiences. Today she is almost nine years old and has absolutely no trouble separating from me for parties, overnights, etc. This morning she was just telling me about a week-long girl scouting camping trip she wants to go on this summer.
So here is how I think this relates to what you said about your T.
quote:I, on the other hand, always want her to be the same, and very predictable.
Any parenting book these days will say that consistency is HUGE in establishing security in their children. And although I know your T isn't your parent, the therapeutic relationship often mirrors that of the parent-child relationship. Which is why a T must be consistent with their boundaries. I don't see anything wrong with what you are wanting, Cipher.
quote:she expects me to exercise trust in her when she doesn't answer, that its nothing personal, because I need to practice hanging on to the connection between us.
I am just really confounded by this. How does one "practice hanging on to the connection" when that connection has never been reliably established in the first place? IMO, her "rules" are too unpredictable to really be anything reliable. This just sounds to me like parents who want to force their kids into "trusting" before they've taken the time to build up enough experiences to establish that trust.
And I also want to be clear, that I'm not saying that your T must necessarily answer every text immediately. She may even establish her boundary at no texting, ever. But I really hear you saying that you need her to be predictable, and always the same. What that specifically means is up to her. But IMO she is evading her own responsibility to establish consistent boundaries by expecting you to "trust" her when she is inconsistent. But to me that is a contradiction in terms. How can I "trust" someone who is "inconsistent"? My daughter learned to trust in our relationship by my being consistent. I just really think you might need the same thing.
And now I will get down off my soapbox.
Hugs,
SG