I'm guessing the hesitation had something to do with knowing it would be painful for you to know that she is taking her son to Disney World without you. It seems like a pretty normal reaction to be jealous or hurt about that, no?

I think you should go to Disneyworld and NOT take her

That's the problem with shrinks - it seems them needing us isn't so important to them as us needing them. Gosh darn it! I hate that dynamic.

(((((LG))))))

I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but last week, when I was having a Skype session with T, he mentioned that he hadn't been able to read this week's journal. I told him there was never any expectation and no need to explain, but he felt compelled to. He told me that his son (who I know is 21, because T mentioned it regarding his birthday sometime in the last year) had been rejected from getting a loan and even an account at his parents' bank. He had mentioned helping his son at the bank and then consoling him afterward, because he was distraught at being denied an account. It wasn't extreme envy or even being bummed that he did that instead of reading my journal. It was more like just appreciation of what a good dad he was being and that thought making me just wanting to be closer to him, wishing I could allow myself to depend on him, grieve over hard stuff, be consoled. I can't get myself there yet...

I don't know if this related, but that's what it reminded me of. I think your T cares for you deeply and didn't want you to be hurt.

((((LG))))

I so understand and know how much it hurts. It's just this deep ache that will never go away because we can't change the facts. Well, maybe it will go away when we finally get what we need. Let's hope for that.



Liese

LG I feel for you.

I told my T once that I got a bit "triggered" around the winter solstice. Hiking/snowboarding, in the cold, enjoying it, then driving home in the cold and dark, and seeing christmas lights and fireplaces (yeah, I would look into windows as a drove by) people carrying food into a house...images of coziness. I would put on a Christmas song so I could just deepen this feeling of sadness and envy.

My T had uploaded a pic of a fireplace in his new home on FB and it had a similar effect. I just observed this feeling, and I did tell him about it, he didn't think it was weird. I was quite matter-of-fact about it. But it was still hard.

So the point being, wouldn't a T understand if they were the object of the envy...the same as if we were to tell them about our envy in general? And there is a difference between envy and jealousy, I can't remember the definitions right now as I am very tired.

I understand, LG. It's hard!

I guess the question is how does one cope with those feelings?

((((((LG))))))



I don't even know what to say. I agree with everything you said. Does she not know how deep your feelings are?



Liese

((((LG)))))

What would it mean to adopt her as a mother figure? What would it mean to her? What would it mean to you? Maybe this is something you and she need to talk about? I've yearned for my T to be my father too and it is SSOOOO hard and painful sometimes. He has told me that I need fathering and mothering. So, I guess he is a father figure for me too. It feels nice but doesn't take away the pain.


Liese

((((LG)))) So understand your pain here. T made a joke a few sessions ago about how if I needed more time, I could move into his spare bedroom (of course H wouldn't mind moving and T's wife wouldn't care) and since he is never home, I could commute to work with him and he would just have me sit in the corner and tell all his clients I was his adopted daughter and it was bring your kid to work day. He was being playful, but it was painful. I explained in a journal entry how confusing that sort of joke is, because either it is REALLY a joke at the expense of feelings he knows the CPs have or it is a joke, because he has those sort of paternal feelings toward me. Anyway, my caretaking part kind of confronted him about this and he said something about God saying that nobody loses anything in this life (mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, etc. etc.) without being given immeasurably more in His kingdom or some such thing. That even though parents have primary responsibilities toward their biological families, God loves us through others he puts in our lives. Anyway, basically, T used a very long-winded way of saying that he is a sort of spiritual father in that way and although there are boundaries, there is real love and connection there. He says he feels that way toward all his clients that he does long-term work with. Anyway, a long-winded way of him answering my feeling of being in trouble for feeling that way about him and for the connection being anything else but one of clinical detachment. I try not to read into his always mentioning God enabling his ability to love/care for his clients meaning that I am so awful that it takes supernatural gifting to love me. It is just his thing, what informs both his personal and professional life. Still, I wish he wouldn't make those sort of things into a joke, even a cute/sweet one. It just hurts.

LG... I think she was totally uncomfortable with the topic and didn't know how to respond and she HAD to respond so she was trying to keep the topic "light", hence the smiley face.

This is where texting can cause problems. Obviously, some deep feelings and emotions can be triggered by a text ... yet texting is not the right way or the possible way to process the feelings, to be heard, and to work things out. It simply is not the medium for that. I think she should have texted back ... "I understand your feelings and we can talk about this when I get back from vacation".

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and confused by this exchange. My T is married and has a 20 year old daughter... I get more triggered by things relating to her than by his wife. I admire my T and respect him so much I'd love to be his daughter and have that fatherly access whenever I want to. But I can't and it's that loss I must grieve and find peace with.

TN