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I learned the hard way that sometimes even if a T is kind and caring, just because of their style or personality, they might not be the best T for you. It's a hard call since therapy isn't easy, but if you find there's a lot of struggle involved, it might be worth meeting with some other T's and seeing if you find them easier to work with. It's normal to have trust issues in therapy, and most T's are able to work with these effectively, so if your T is having trouble with it, she might not be the best one for you.
Hi Butterfly,
It's hard to tell as transference can be a subtle and complex thing, but my impression is rather one of a bad "fit" between you and your T. And I am also wondering if there isn't some kind of countertransference going on for her.
You know I volunteer on a crisis line and every time I answer the phone, I sincerely desire to connect with the person and have them feel understood and accepted, but it doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't happen, sometimes it's because what they're dealing with happens to be an issue I'm still struggling to deal with myself, so in a sense too much of my attention and energy is going to handle my own stuff instead of being able to focus on them like I should be. But those types of calls are usually managable as long as I follow up and get help dealing with my own stuff.
But it does sometimes happen that for no particular reason I can identify and despite the person being really willing to talk and me being really willing to listen, we just don't quite connect. It really comes down to this issue of chemistry. And there are other callers that you can feel comfortable with really quickly and forge a deep connection.
When I was new on the phones I used to kind of freak thinking there was some kind of problem with me, but after experiencing it and talking to other volunteers, you learn it just happens. It's kind of like how you don't want to be good friends with everyone you meet.
So I guess I am wondering if that's what's going on here, there is just an essential chemistry missing. You seem willing to open up and talk about what you need to. And your T is willing to hear that and even discuss the disruptions but it's not getting better. I know you said you won't try again, but I really am wondering if seeing another T would be better than banging your head against the wall and being frustrated when really neither of you is doing anything wrong, it's just not a good therapeutic match.
I am sorry though, I know this must be incredibly frustrating after having to wait so long to know you couldn't see your last T, then taking the scary chance of seeing someone else.
AG
It's hard to tell as transference can be a subtle and complex thing, but my impression is rather one of a bad "fit" between you and your T. And I am also wondering if there isn't some kind of countertransference going on for her.
You know I volunteer on a crisis line and every time I answer the phone, I sincerely desire to connect with the person and have them feel understood and accepted, but it doesn't always happen. And when it doesn't happen, sometimes it's because what they're dealing with happens to be an issue I'm still struggling to deal with myself, so in a sense too much of my attention and energy is going to handle my own stuff instead of being able to focus on them like I should be. But those types of calls are usually managable as long as I follow up and get help dealing with my own stuff.
But it does sometimes happen that for no particular reason I can identify and despite the person being really willing to talk and me being really willing to listen, we just don't quite connect. It really comes down to this issue of chemistry. And there are other callers that you can feel comfortable with really quickly and forge a deep connection.
When I was new on the phones I used to kind of freak thinking there was some kind of problem with me, but after experiencing it and talking to other volunteers, you learn it just happens. It's kind of like how you don't want to be good friends with everyone you meet.
So I guess I am wondering if that's what's going on here, there is just an essential chemistry missing. You seem willing to open up and talk about what you need to. And your T is willing to hear that and even discuss the disruptions but it's not getting better. I know you said you won't try again, but I really am wondering if seeing another T would be better than banging your head against the wall and being frustrated when really neither of you is doing anything wrong, it's just not a good therapeutic match.
I am sorry though, I know this must be incredibly frustrating after having to wait so long to know you couldn't see your last T, then taking the scary chance of seeing someone else.
AG
Butterfly,
I agree with "not being a good fit."
The first T I saw, saw her one time, knew I couldn't see her again.
Second T I saw, she passed me on to the Dr. because of an issue with her (not me) (well, my issue was something she was currently dealing with herself, I later found out).
So, 3rd time, the T I am with now. And, I knew right from the first time she sat in front of me that everything was going to be okay....
And, to add to that, first marriage-T my H and I saw together in Dec, well, I knew from first session she wouldn't work out for me, but my H insisted she was helping him (and I'm all for helping him), and when I said after 3 sessions I couldn't go back, he begged me to, so I did. Many double sessions later, I was so agitated, that I put my foot down and said I was not going to go. But, I think we're both willing to see another one, after a breather break, lol
I vented to my T about the M-T all the time, and she said being with a marriage therapist that isn't a good fit could potentially cause me to never try again.
Listen to your feelings about this T
I agree with "not being a good fit."
The first T I saw, saw her one time, knew I couldn't see her again.
Second T I saw, she passed me on to the Dr. because of an issue with her (not me) (well, my issue was something she was currently dealing with herself, I later found out).
So, 3rd time, the T I am with now. And, I knew right from the first time she sat in front of me that everything was going to be okay....
And, to add to that, first marriage-T my H and I saw together in Dec, well, I knew from first session she wouldn't work out for me, but my H insisted she was helping him (and I'm all for helping him), and when I said after 3 sessions I couldn't go back, he begged me to, so I did. Many double sessions later, I was so agitated, that I put my foot down and said I was not going to go. But, I think we're both willing to see another one, after a breather break, lol
I vented to my T about the M-T all the time, and she said being with a marriage therapist that isn't a good fit could potentially cause me to never try again.
Listen to your feelings about this T
quote:I can only imagine this to be that I talk about missing my old T which even though she said was fine, it obviously isn’t. This is something I need to clarify with her. She has also given me the impression that my insecurities and trust issues are something that she finds hard to work with and sees this as a reflection of the way she works which isn’t the case. All this is bringing into play past rejections and the negative feelings that surround this .
Hi Butterfly... I'm sorry you have been struggling so much to get comfortable with your new T. I, too, think the fit is not quite right and perhaps she does not understand how losing your oldT has impacted you and what a void it left in your life. I've been talking about oldT for 17 months. For the first 12 months it was just about ALL I talked about in therapy, along with discussing how my new T and I could work together. There were times when I felt that I was talking too much about oldT but my T assured me that I could talk about him as long as I wanted to. Now... I talk about him less, and he is less important to me as my current T becomes MORE important.
Butterfly, I work very well with my current T BUT I saw 4 other T's before I settled in with him. Two of the other T's I only saw for one session and I knew they would not be a good fit for me. One T I saw for ten sessions and the other one I saw for three sessions. After what I suffered in losing oldT I wanted to be sure I had what I truly needed before committing to a new T. It's important that they feel right to you and that they understand the specific nature of your stuggles.
You also say that this T has problems in working with trust issues. Trust is the most important and necessary part of the foundation of the relationship. It takes a lot of time and discussion about the relationship and good boundaries and consistency on the part of the T to build this trust. This is especially important and vital in working with those who have trauma or abuse histories.
Your T may be having some counter transference which is impacting her ability to work with your issues. Or it could be that she is just not experienced in working with patients who have lost a previous T or have trauma/abuse backgrounds.
If possible I would also suggest seeing a few other T's to see if there is a better fit. I know this is incredibly hard to do but it makes such a huge difference (as you know) when you and your T are attuned and fit well together.
Thinking of you
TN
HI Butterfly,
I wanted to reply last night but didn't know what to say. You got so many good thoughts up above that I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are struggling with your NewT although I am glad you tried again.
Liese
I wanted to reply last night but didn't know what to say. You got so many good thoughts up above that I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are struggling with your NewT although I am glad you tried again.
Liese