Wow. That sounds like an intense and hard session Monte. I'm glad you managed to really speak your mind though. I think it's actually a huge step forward for you.

This reminds me of something I was reading the other day by the great Carl Rogers. He said that much "resistance" in therapy is caused by T's themselves, because they insist on analyzing and interpreting projection and transference instead of just responding empathically to whatever feelings are being expressed. He essentially said that when met with understanding, clients often resolve the transference entirely on their own, without needing the T to interpret it for them. I think that's what you're looking for here, isn't it? Maybe you should find the chapter where he says that and send it to your T

WOW Monte – I’m bowled over, and full of admiration for you. Way to go! What a huge amount of really positive stuff you’ve achieved (note, that YOU have achieved) with this last session, and though it’s all bloody painful and you’re steaming angry right now and already are anticipating the grief to come, I’ve got to say that I really really really am impressed and want to support you wholeheartedly in everything you’ve said.

I’m also really sorry that your last session before a long break ended up with T pushing his own agenda so strongly and completely negating what actually mattered. (I’m assuming he thought you still had one more session before his break?)

quote:

I argued that all this exterior stuff is a lead in to the inner stuff, but he dismisses it. He said maybe it becomes a distraction from the real issues. I said yes but I can't connect to the 'real' pain, but can connect to this 'here and now' pain and for me it is the road in. He said ok, ok, but if I only ever focus on here and now pain do I then avoid the core issues? And I said "Only if you keep ignoring this lesser stuff." He shut up then.TOUCHE!

I see this as SO important on so many levels. Firstly that YOU had to tell HIM (it’s the kind of thing that I’ve always assumed a T would tell the client and not the client have to fight to have his/her feelings heard in the first place). Secondly that you really did get the point across to him clearly and so he understood exactly what was going on (I hope he does some serious thinking about this, because it sounds like maybe this has happened a lot in your sessions, where he is trying to bypass how you feel in the moment and make direct connections to other things or the past – and as you VERY CLEARLY pointed out, that simply doesn’t work.) Thirdly that he DID understand, as you go on to say. No wonder you’re saying that you wish you could have such honest and productive moments all the time.

Funny when you say that you stood your ground verbally for the first time ever – because I’ve always had this image of you in therapy as being very upfront about challenging your T and trying to get your point across, just goes to show eh? So that’s doubly impressive. Is it patronizing to say 'well done you'? Because I think you HAVE done well, really well.

And as for your email, in case you fall into a pit of doubt and panic about it, I want to say that I think it’s an amazing communication – and I for one can relate to everything you said in it. I sincerely hope your T understands exactly what you’re saying in it. Anger IS empowering and I’m so pleased that’s how you feel (empowered I mean, not angry). The only trouble with it is that when it fades all the other crap comes creeping back. But it sounds like you’ve had quite an epiphany here and maybe that heralds a change for the better in regards not only to your therapy but in your life as well.

I really hope you can hold onto the clarity you are describing here and don’t let it be overwhelmed by the inner pain and need to the point where you forget just how important YOUR agenda and wants from therapy are.

Can’t say it enough, I am SO impressed, and also really pleased that you’ve turned a potentially rubbish session into such a transformative experience. Good for you Monte!

LL

p.s. Thank you so much for sharing so many details of your session, I really appreciate it and learn so much from your commentary and explanations

Monte - way to go!!!! I LOVE that you came home and emailed him. You remind me so much of ME!

My T seems opposite - I have seen her about 35 times and NEVER spoken about FOO stuff. Never. Always about the here and now. If it wasn't for my T triggering the crap out of me all the time and me being traumatised and triggered by Ex T who termed me and also my other attached T - those 3 T's put together have given me 35 sessions of issues to work out. Our therapy is in the here and now and how I relate to it and feel and react. It is always relevant to me now and to me in the past and all the things that went into making who I am.

My T would never avoid those type of questions that you wrote. She wouldn't be scared of it and would embrace whatever fall out happened because of it. Your T seemed to be too scared to face it as if he would be to blame. My T also takes my negativity toward her when she stuffs up and faces her mistakes face on. We rupture a fair bit and repair and do the attachment dance.

Maybe your T was trying to keep things calm and on 'safer' territory because he knew he would be away?

Or maybe you are angry with him for going away?

I don't know, but I am super impressed with you for the stand you took, you honoured yourself.

Sorry it finished on such shaky ground though, hope you are going ok right now.

(((((MONTE))))))

Tears in my eyes for you because I know how incredibly painful this is for you but as LL pointed out above, incredibly empowering and transformative. I'm not even going to go into intellectual mode right now though I might come back later.

Just wanted to give you a big hug. You were so clear about what was bothering you:

quote:

Asked him how could he sit with those questions there in his lap and ignore them in favor of probing me for an hour for feelings I can't find

I do think he is starting to listen to you Monte, even though it seems hard for him:

quote:

but then he said he sees that I am saying that for me they are an important key.

I really liked this and I think he is man enough to take it. And I think your relationship is strong enough to survive it:

quote:

Then I said I had something to say that I had wanted to say many times over the years. Fuck you.

Way to go Monte. I think.



Liese

quote:

Still angry, but starting to be aware of that awful yawning pit of dread and despair and hopelessness.

Monte, oh yeah, the dread and despair and hopelessness would be settling in to me by now too.

Hang in there.

xoxo

Liese