I'm in therapy, well, it started after an attempt at my own life. So, at first I was in it to keep myself alive.

I've stayed because I want to face my PTSD and phobias, problems forming or desiring relationships (being scared of anyone wanting my attention), trauma healing, constant unending anxiety which medication alone was not helping, I was really in a lot of trouble with my eating disorder.

My relationships have improved (though, no H or kids) and I've found the changes to be priceless so far.

(((((XOXO)))))

Hope the veil will lift for you one day soon.

quote:

But I feel like I have a semi-permanent veil of sadness over me...

Liese

I grew up with an alcoholic father, he passed when I was 14 and hid my emotions with bad things ever since. I attempted suicide when I aw 16, lived (obviously) and then ad to start counseling after that. I stopped counseling when I was 18 cos the program I was I'm was only for minors and still had many unresolved emotional baggage, much of which I was completely unaware of. I transferred off to a university last semester, too a child abuse class,got triggered by all these emotions I had hidden for so long and realized oh shit I still need counseling! And now here I am 7 months later

Awesome questions!
I initially started therapy a year ago for self-destructive behaviors that currently manifest themselves in an eating disorder, but also for arachniphobia and parental-rejection issues. Also some lack-of-boundary issues that relate to the sabotaging behaviors which, when I was younger, manifest themselves in my lifestyle and relationships, but now primarily through eating habits. (boundary issues seem to be at the root of all my issues, minus the arachniphobia, but even that isn't what it appears to be.)

Do I think therapy has helped? Definitely! I can't begin to elucidate just how, but I'll try in another post after I've had time to think about it. I know at times it hasn't seemed to be helping because it was bringing so much crud to the surface, but I'm ok with that now - I just really want to get to the "truth" of me and my history.
Sometimes I think of the famous line from "A Few Good Men" - "You can't handle the truth!!" - but I have a strong drive to go forward anyway, and I feel likeall will be well in the end, one day. I'm more grateful for my T than I can say. He holds my heart in his hands, he just doesn't know it.

Starry

I started therapy 1.5 years ago at the suggestion (insistence) of my H on the recommendation of his T (now mine) due to a traumatic family conflict.

Things got a lot worse at first. I actually warned my T it would happen. I saw it coming by the second week. I didn't know what to call it, this attachment stuff, but it had happened before and I had gotten rid of it and just refused to do that with anybody, really, outside of my H, for a decade or more.

I was very functional before therapy, but my whole life consisted of living up to expectations and instinctively avoiding triggers and anything troublesome that couldn't be avoided was heavily dissociated.

I went to the point of being very non-functional in the beginning (well, the first nine months at least), trying to learn to tolerate the feelings that seeing T always inspired. As I learned more about dissociation and started recognizing some of the internal rules we've made and many patterns that I used to stay safe (but also limited me to a fraction of a life), therapy started to make more sense to me.

A lot of the things that therapy initially made worse have gotten a lot better over the last few months. The high level of need dissociated into some of the internal kids is still an issue, though. While I'm still nowhere near as functional as I used to be, from all accounts before, I was some sort of fairy tale creature with no needs, conforming only to what others most needed from me. As I continue getting to know the stuff I've dissociated, I feel more like there is a "me" or at least an "us" for now, independent of the gravity of others' needs, desires and expectations. I am starting to feel like I exist. That feeling makes me panic...it's like breaking a sacred law. But, I'm learning how to tolerate existing. That is the essence of why I keep going. The work I am doing with my T has laid essential groundwork toward my seeing myself as a somebody and allowing that somebody to have value, allowing that somebody's needs and feelings to be valid, despite conflict. It is so slow. It is like taking a year to move an inch. But, if through that work, the crushing weight of all this past dissociated stuff is alleviated even an ounce, and then an ounce more, and so on...I think it's worth it.

I'd like to come out of therapy some day with a sense that there is a "me," with good and bad experiences, strengths and weaknesses, need and gifts to offer, grace and grief, accomplishments and mistakes...and believing that me is worth knowing, worth continuing to develop and grow into. I guess that's why I'm going?

Good questions...
started T Jan 2011 after another close attempt which followed years of being in and out of the more formal mental health system, counselling ectc and various behaviours...thought i'd been pretty functional until then, responsible job that kind of thing....found T through a colleague who knew T (their kids go to same school)..and gently approached T for me to see if she would consider meeting with me..

T spent 1st year on chit chat getting to know me stuff while slowly helping me learn what feelings are (still working on that one). Now the high dissociation is apparent, and t has met some of 'we' the last few weeks - T work is moving towards taking the small steps to starting to work with 'we'....as well as the attachment issues, behaviours, feelings and all the other stuff too..

So some 14 months down the line still not sure what I've learnt except that T is consistent, steady, boundary holding, beginning to let some of 'we' feel safe...(all firsts in my life) guess we keep going in the hope that someday 'we' are going to come out the other side and be able to look and see a whole world out there and look in a mirror and see a whole person who knows themselves and where they fit...for now T feels the best hope of getting there so thats why 'we' still go see her...wished I'd done 'therapy' 20 plus years ago when my battles first started instead of waiting until my 'middle age'

Great question )

I started therapy because I had quit (yet another) job and I was sleeping on my friends couch for 7 months. I couldn't function right anymore. I had absolutely no sense of what I wanted to do in life. I went to the Doctor and professed all this and he put me on an SSRI and gave me the number for a charity clinic.

Because of my mood switches (I'm BPD) I didn't start attending therapy for a little while.

I guess my most noticeable issue had been the incessant search for a mother figure. I used to (and still do really) want to be in a relationship (since 15 this obsession started) with someone to unionize. I felt out of the loop and lost (still do) without a mother to approve of me and clap me on and be there for me.

My Mum left when I was 1.5 years old. After that I stayed with my Grandparents in another country for 8 months before coming back to arguments and conflicts between my father and stepmother. My Mum was depressed when she had me and couldn't look after me properly (There's reason to believe she is BPD also). My stepmother was relatively unemotional and switched moods rapidly whilst my Dad was pretty much a narcissist.

I also have dependency problems. Identity confusion thrives in me so I need to attach to a therapist in order to let out how I feel and to simply be listened to. It's the hardest thing to go through and even harder than that, its the fact that my therapist is at arms length. I'm desperate for her to be closer. I have lofty fantasies because of it and I find it hard to stop the idealization which promotes more pain in me.

So yeah, since I was a child, there was really no consistent and safe care where I was. I need that now.

I entered therapy after dropping out of graduate school, getting married, moving to a new city, being dumped by a close friend for no known reason, and being cruelly rejected by a mentor figure all within a few months. At the time my nervous system was fried and I had no idea what I was doing with my life anymore. I had also recently figured out that my mother, who I looked up to most of my life, had actually been emotionally abusive to me in a number of ways, which was the thing that *really* caused me to fall apart. Then on starting therapy it became immediately apparent that I also had a number of attachment issues.

I've had lots of gains since starting therapy, although it's hard to say which ones are directly attributable. I've been able to deal with my mom in ways that upset me less. I'm better at standing up for myself in conflicts. I'm less dissociative. I have a better sense of self worth. I'm better at regulating myself emotionally. Etc.

i am having real trouble writing my reasons for being in therapy.

I have had a lot of life issues for years, have been treated for depression on and off for the past 16 years. After having a gap of 10 yrs of therapy things were too much for me. I was too tired of keeping up the "normal pretence" and wanted SU as my solution. A close friend strongly encouraged me to see her colleague to keep me safe. I saw that T for a few sessions, then freaked and didn't see her for 6 months. Then went back until she terminated me. I fell apart and went back to my T that i had seen all those years previously. My T is my T-SOUL-MATE.

It was until I had been terminated that I realised that I was attached to her and had never been attached to a person before in my life, that I had severe attachment, rejection and abandonment issues, had childhood trauma, minimal childhood memories, dissociated a lot and had BPD. oh yeah and SH issues.

My progress is at a snail's pace. I am attached to my T and that is a great thing but I am avoidant/fearful and so I am pushing her away and rejecting her more than I am attaching it seems. My T is wonderful.

i have learnt to label feelings, I have learnt so much about BPD, the origin of my problems and why I act the way I act, I dissociate way less now. I have a long way to go with emotion regulation and everything else. I have been with my T for 7 months now. I thought i would be 'fixed' within a year - but I realise that we haven't even began real therapy yet.

I want to feel connected to life, to have (normal) feelings, to be attached to people and feel a normal range of emotions. I would like to be able to live and handle emotions normally and not do the crazy BPD things all the time. It would be great if the shadow of SU and SH were gone also.

Love reading everyone's responses here. For me, I entered therapy to help me grieve an ill parent. I thought it would allow me to understand how to let go. In the midst of that, though, things became very intense and underlying issues of childhood trauma, abandonment fears and so on began to surface. Has it helped? Yes, in ways that I didn't expect especially since my initial goal was to deal with a particular issue. BUT, I have learned a lot about myself in the process and realized that I needed to be in therapy a very long time ago.

Quality of life before--I seriously was running around acting crazy and not necessarily understanding why. Now I have a firm grip on what triggers me and why I behave in the way I do. While I do go off on tangents at times, I can generally see what triggered me and why I responded in ways that I did. The awareness has helped me make connections and handle emotions better.

Therapy with OldT was damaging to me but it allowed me to open serious wounds from childhood and become more aware of them. The growing attachment with newT is something that I see as a positive because I have never had a strong stable person to guide me in life to learn how to navigate the ups and downs. So, quality of life with NewT is much better than it ever was before.

Before therapy I was all over the place. I'd switch jobs, want to run away from all the pain in life. Now, I can confront things with a different perspective. Not to say that I am perfect, ha, which is why I am still in therapy. Things like me overreacting and freaking out about things still occur. I get off track, but I can get back on a little quicker than I could before.

My relationship with DH is better, although going through the trauma and dealing with the pains of the therapeutic process is difficult. I can now inform him of when I am feeling bad, and it helps us to work through some of my emotional storms.

My children make me stick with therapy. I want to be healthier for them, and believe that I am more aware of what not to do that was done to me.

My therapist says it's all a process...and I am sticking in this for the long haul and am prepared to weather the storms. Therapy is hard work, but little by little it's helping.

I was close to my dad, who died suddenly when I was 9. My mother is an alcoholic. When I was 16, I started seeing a psychiatrist for depression. I also had an eating disorder. The therapy helped enough to give me a fresh start when I went to college, and since then my life kept getting slowly better. Thirty years later, which was two years ago, I felt like I had done as much as I could to make my life better for myself, and I needed help to get any further.

When I started with therapy this time, I told my therapist that I wanted to have more feelings. I also didn’t understand why people were so interested in romantic relationships. I’d look at married people and not understand what they saw in each other or what they were getting out of being together.

Over the past two years,I have dug up a lot of other reasons why I should be in therapy. For example, I found out that I need to dismantle my previously helpful, but now not-so-great, mantra: “I don’t need any one or any thing.” Hard to do. It’s especially hard to feel like I need and can trust my therapist.

I have, through therapy, learned to experience more of my feelings, made deeper and more rewarding connections with people in my life, and have started to feel more real. I’m sort of in the middle of the process, though. The more things improve, in a way, the more things get stirred up. My eating disorder returned (but only temporarily), I have grief about my young self, and I just recently started having some kind of dissociative thing that I never experienced before. And then there's the consistent struggle with therapy and my therapist...let's not forget that!

Still, I feel more confident and more able to tolerate stress now. My life is bigger and I am bigger. I am hoping to get to the other side this time. I am hoping to stick with it. No romantic relationship yet, but now I understand better how the work and the risk of a relationship could be worth it. I’m going to be 48 soon. That’s not too late, right?

Good luck xoxo and everyone.

Quell

I thought I started therapy because I was somehow "stuck" in a pattern of never being able to reach my weigh loss goal. People kept telling me "it's all about making the decision to do it, and then you will." But I was sure that there was something else blocking me- my mind just wouldn't let me get there.

So when I started therapy (about 6 months ago) we talked about eating healthy, etc.etc.etc. But I eventually realized that I was right about being somehow blocked and all these other issues started to come up for me.

Anxiety was the first thing T noticed, something I never realized, but was clearly a big problem. And it is something I "inherited" from my Mom. Then codependency came up. This is hard to explain in my case-- it was not related to alcoholism, but is related to Mom's severe anxiety.

Not surprisingly, I am now dealing with attachment issues and "motherly" transference with my T.

Anxiety and codependency encompass so many painful things that are making my life no longer feel fulfilling or even real. And the attachment, transference, dependency are making it so much harder.

So it is a struggle for me right now. But I have learned many things about myself so far, especially the big one- my weight is not my main issue, but rather the effect (overeating= coping mechanism) that everything else is having on me. I do feel therapy has already helped me a great deal, and by continuing it I am confident I will make some good progress towards being who I want to be.

Good question. I've been thinking about this a lot this week as I try to make decisions about the future of my therapy. I started about 1.5 years ago. A couple of years before that, I was declared dead to my brother, father, and niece and nephew because my brother's wife lost a custody battle to her ex (my best friend) and lost her then 11 year old son. So because I was friends with ex, I was dead to them all. That's another very long story - but the point is that I became depressed. I also left a school I had been at for 6 years and needed to find a new job. I told my reg doc and she prescribed Zoloft and encouraged me to see a therapist. I didn't. I took the meds for two years and managed to function by stuffing all my feelings and dissociating. A year and a half ago my boyfriend dumped me. This was the second time he'd done this in the same way by cheating on me. The first time we were together 5 yers, with a 6 year break. I stupidly jumped back in his arms when he was done with his first cheat. I thought I'd try EMDR because my friend had done a handful of sessions and claimed it changed her life. I though a few sessions could help me be able to commit in a relationship and find more authenticity.

Well...now 1.5 years later I can totally relate to things getting worse and other things getting better. I also had no emotional dysregulation problems before therapy because I stuffed them and dissociated. I couldn't remember much of my childhood - hardly any of my middle school and high school years. Just the past few months memory pieces have been impaling me and emotions are coming with them. Some days I'm a mess. I'm the type that still wants all the pieces - all the answers. I honestly had no clue about most of the trauma that I've experienced. It is hard that not many understand that whole amnesia type thing that happens. It's hard to imagine how such traumatic events can be completely forgotten.

So now I'm trying to decide why I'm staying in therapy. Yes, I know I need it, I just think I need to reevaluate my goals. My first 6 months with T were very superficial and just trying to keep myself going back and learning to trust her. After all that's been uncovered, I don't think my original goal of being able to find a committed relationship is really on target anymore.

Hi
I love reading everyone's responses! I've been thinking of starting a post like this, but I didn't, so I'm glad xoxo started it!

I started therapy due to my marriage falling apart. I was depressed and very confused when I found out about hubby's affair. My now ex husband has bipolar disorder, but I didn't really ever know that. I just knew he had depression, but the mania part smacked us in the face. Hubby was running marathons, triathlons, spending money left and right, joining clubs and organizations, and making up excuses for not being home (later I found out it was due to affairs). He was also verbally and emotionally abusive and I didn't know who he was anymore. Hubby wrote editorials to the newspaper that sometimes did not make sense. Hubby ended up losing his job (bad review, screwing a coworker and writing letters to the editor combined with work's downsizing). That was a week after he filed divorce papers.

I was trying to hold our family together (we have two small children) and try and get hubby some help. Finally, the light bulb came on for me and I realized that I had to deal with the break up of my family and marriage. My wonderful T helped me through that.
Hubby actually dumped me in marriage counseling w/T!!!

T pushed me when I needed it. She shared her story of divorce and loss with me and other client's stories, so I didn't feel so alone. She also listened and questioned me when I needed that too. The very week I was in for the first court hearing I also started a new job. I hadn't been in the workforce for over 9 years. T helped me feel confident and navigate that as well. Through out the divorce process I lived with hubby and kids. We endured abuse, but for some reason I didn't think I could leave or didn't know how. T, my family and friends tried to tell me to get out, but I wouldn't budge.

About a year ago I finally started to work on me and my deeper issues in therapy (I had a sexual trauma when I was young and never received help for that). I still feel like I have a long way to go. I have a life goal now and that is to become a T. I start school soon. Yeah!

My relationship w/T has not always been great. I sometimes struggle w/trust issues and boundaries with her. She can be judgmental, snippy and cold some days. Other days she is warm, kind, caring and in tune with me. I feel extremely close to her on those days. She has shared so much of herself w/me it's like we are friends, but I know we are not and can never be. That was made clear in my last awkward session when I asked her about boundaries. She did tell me she was going to be a mentor to me a few months ago, but I guess she just meant during sessions.
Last week I had heard from someone in the community that T and I both know that T has her own issues. I figured that by some things that she has said during our sessions (I can read her pretty well now too). I guess we all have our issues....it's just if her issues are spilling over into my appointments, then that's not good. Part of me wants to stop seeing her, so I can get unattached and another part of me wants to see her forever. The majority of the time I think we work well together.

Hmmm....well, that was my long rambling story of how/why I'm in therapy.

[QUOTE]why are you in therapy in the first place? Is it helping?

How did you know you needed therapy? Do you have a good relationship with your spouse? Your children? How was your life quality before therapy vs what it is now? [QUOTE]

I'm no longer in therapy since my T terminated my therapy. Emotionally that killed me. Don't think I'll go back. Once bitten twice shy.

Didn't know I needed therapy to be honest. I didn't specifically go to therapy. I went to a medical professional for something else and told my secrets for the first time in my life which totally messed me up. Lost my mind. Lost myself. Became a nightmare patient, got PTSD, depression, anxiety, suicidal, dependent (transference) on my T (I don't know what else to call her....well sometimes I can think of another word but I'd rather not say). I went from a normal functioning human being regardless of my past issues to something I could hardly recognise. I used to be able to block out things and cope....well that sure changed. No control pretty much describes me now. Apart from those sexual traumas, all the other traumas surfaced....a little party of trauma's so to speak... whoohoo . Crime is in there so is domestic violence, alcohol, the death of my father in front of me, people being burnt to death, and two seriously disturbing crimes that happened in front of me that I couldn't stop. Somehow I managed to keep a lid on all of it until therapy and then all hell broke loose.

Relationships ....I have and have always had good relationships. I have just chosen to be the person who helps others or who jokes around but never the person who talks about hurts.

So now I need to get myself back to where I was

B2W – wow sounds like you are having to deal with a LOT. I don’t blame you for feeling very wary about the whole therapy thing, but with what you’re carrying it might be worth your while hanging in there and finding some sort of help. ((((( B2W )))))



Great question xoxo and the replies so far are really interesting.

Xoxo sounds like therapy has lifted the lid on a real pandora’s box for you. But it sounds like you’re benefiting from it all the same. I’m with you on the age thing – you get to my age (55) and suddenly there’s not that many years left to keep on making mistakes and learning by experience. I want to be better NOW so I can start living!

As for my reasons. Hm. As with most times I end up in therapy, there’s always a catalyst of some sort that forces me to see that I don’t do a very good job at all of dealing with life and the stress it puts me under and I spend x amount of time trying to sort my self out alone, realize I’m getting nowhere and go rushing off to find a therapist to help me with it. This latest round of therapy was spurred by my total inability to deal with the huge trigger that noise is for me. But as usual I know that’s just the surface spur – it’s the reasons that relatively trivial triggers destroy me is why I need help.

Before my current T (eight months now) I’d have had to say that therapy didn’t help me and in many cases set me back badly. Now however, though I don’t actually feel better and in fact feel infinitely worse than I have for a long time, I sense that I’m finally getting somewhere in addressing all the issues that have dogged me all my life. I’ve always been aware that being able to express ALL my feelings in safety and acceptance has been the way to healing for me and though my T isn’t the touchy feely type, he’s been very good at accepting my anger, and that’s made an enormous difference to my faith in therapy.

In terms of how my quality of life was pre-therapy, I’d have to say that it was probably better, but the deterioration isn’t down to therapy it’s down to getting older and losing the fantasy that SOMETHING will happen in the future to make everything all alright .

I do feel for people who put themselves in therapy and have no real support network. I’m lucky enough to have an H who is very supportive of my being in therapy and though he doesn’t really know or understand what I’m going through, it makes such a huge difference to my being able to stick with it. In my single days (which happened to be most of my life!) it was almost unbearable being in therapy that wasn’t actually helping and not having anyone at all to talk to about anything either.

Xoxo I too hope that veil of sadness lifts soon.

LL

Hey everyone - thanks for sharing - and for xoxox for kicking off this thread.

My twin sister got married and at the same time I tried internet dating and realised that my intense reaction to it wasn't healthy. My eldest sister had already started therapy and gently nudged me towards it. Once in I realised pretty quick what a messed up childhood I'd had and how emotionally abusive / neglectful it had been and how badly that affected me. It'll be 5 years in July - when I started I thought it'd be more like 6-9 months - hahahahahaha - I had no clue.

It's been incredibly tough at times. Those words really don't even make a dent in what it has felt like at times. But i guess you guys know already. But it has saved me from a lonely painful life.

I'm single and always thought a husband would make everything OK. To me it is a major milestone that I am happy single. And really mean it, not in a I'm happy single......so Mr Right you can come out now...kind of way.

xx

xoxo, thanks for starting this thread. i suppose there are as many reasons for entering therapy as there are people who enter therapy. we all enter therapy with our own story. i went to my doc cuz of depression. i knew for too f***ing long that i was in a marriage i couldn't tolerate but for some reason toughed it out for 15 years longer than i should have. my doc was in training for psychodynamic therapy and recommended i see somebody. he referred me to my current t, the only time (outside of drug treatment when i was 17, which i don't count as therapy) i've been to a therapist. it took me 3 months just to make the call. one of the scariest things i've done in my life but knew on some level that i was in dire need of help. the divorce was over in a matter of 4 months. i'm not even sure how it happened but we decided there was work to be done and i've been with him for almost 15 months now. working on issues from emotionally negligent parents, not-so-great life experiences that resulted in low self-esteem, mistrust in others, reticence, alcohol abuse. i don't know ... a slew of things i guess. my take is i've basically flown by the seat of my pants my whole life. no direction. i've never known myself. always wanting to please the other person and thus negating myself. i'm with you, xoxo ... i'm happy to see the younger people here getting help NOW rather than later. there's a lot of pain to be avoided and wisdom to be gained.

LL, your post speaks to me. my way of dealing with life stresses has been first to ignore it, then to secure that ignorance by dousing it with booze. not a very effective way to deal with stuff, but it worked. so now at 50 i'm attempting to learn how to deal with stuff. and as much as i realize i'm lucky to be doing it at all, and as much as i dig doing it with my t, it sure isn't my idea of fun.

quote:

the deterioration isn’t down to therapy it’s down to getting older and losing the fantasy that SOMETHING will happen in the future to make everything all alright

this is totally where i'm at. i feel so incredibly hopeless about my future. t tries to show me how much i have to be grateful for but i just don't buy it, and i hate going in there and feeling so hopeless. dont' get me wrong ... i have two lovely, lovely teens and i cherish them and i know i am beyond fortunate in that regard. but the hopelessness for me and my future is something i just can't shake. i've told t once or twice about the feeling but i don't know if i can tell him again because it makes me feel even more hopeless. it's a feeling i wish i could just rip away and run from it, but it haunts me. LL, know you're not alone in these feelings. i wish you didn't have them, i wish i didn't have them, but there is always a strange comfort in knowing others know exactly how you feel. hugs to you. i hope you find what you need.

((xoxo)) I do hope this doesn't sound harsh but your topic struck a chord with me and I thought it was possible to throw some stuff out there in response - to others and also to feel heard myself!! I have never posted such stuff before but cannot leave it out there any longer - sorry but it makes me feel far too exposed so have deleted!! For some reason whenever I post no-one ever seems to see it!!

I'm in a good place thank god so it doesn't cut anything like it used to???

Best wishes to you (((xoxo))) and all for continued healing.

Morgs I very nearly commented when I replied here, on how good it was to see you posting so openly about yourself, but decided that might have come across as patronizing and on someone else's thread too, so said nothing. I wish I had as I'm really sorry you had to delete . Maybe one day soon you'll feel safer to leave your posts up. At least you DID post, so that's a big thing in itself!

(((((( Morgs )))))))

LL

((LL)) thank you that was very kind of you and thank you for seeing me!! and PLEASE do not feel bad for my reaction!! It's really good to see you back on the forum and doing so very very well! x

Agree, it is really nice to learn more about people - it makes it more personalised.

Sorry you guys had to kill posts, but I understand.

Morgsy
FWIW i we saw your post too but did not comment so as not to scare you off as we know you post like that so rarely for reasons we do get...it was nice of you to share a bit..for those who were quick enough to spot you out there

hope one day you feel brave enough to leave stuff up

JMBx

Morgs,

I saw your post and knew that you had said something about not ordinarily posting in such personal ways, so I also hesitated to comment. I did think about what you wrote because you said something about being older and even implied that you were too old to heal or something like that, and that bothered me. I didn’t like that idea for you, and since I am older, too, I wondered about what’s possible for me.

I enjoy reading what you write and appreciate it when you comment in threads and help me, as you have done before.

Quell

Aw Morgs,

I am really sorry, I saw your post and clocked that it was good to see you posting about how you felt. I guess I didn't reply because I, like you, am very cautious to write and expose my feelings. I am really sorry if your feellings weren't acknowledged by us openly, please know that inside they were

starfishy

's to everyone! Interesting thread.

Just a quick comment to Dragonfly...I REALLY admire you going to court. Well done! and well done with all your other improvements along the way. You should be proud of yourself.

Im not one to post much so I can't say if I will keep this up but I will try.

I went through a lot of CSA but I really believed that it did not affect me in any way I thought I was just a really shy person lol. However, when I turned 40 I got angry and had no idea where it came from. At the same my now ex husband went into rehab and when I used to visit there was always a councelor hovering around me, trying to get me to talk. Well I wasn't having any of it and used to get really tearful when they tried to talk to me. then one time I did manage to speak to some one and she convinced me to go on a family week for partners of addicts and that was the start of my therapy

I have been seeing my T for nearly 7 years now and it's still a struggle for me, I rarely make eye contact, I think I've called her 3times in the 7years

We are a bit stuck at the moment because I keep telling her I've told you all about the abuse and I have nothing else to say. T tells me that there is more to me than the abuse I went through but I find it hard to think she is interested in me as a person

As for change, I rarely left my home, I wasn't working and very depressed but now that's all different, I do feel a lot more confident than ever, I'm not scared of meeting new people like I used to do. My best friend of 30 years is constantly telling me I've changed so much since I've started seeing my T and she knows me better than anyone

The biggest change for me is having a place where I feel safe, I don't think I ever felt this before but I still worry so much that it will be taken from me. But like my T said....I keep going back

Luci

Lucina,

Thanks for your story. I like feeling more confident, too. I think it's great that your close friend can see how much you've changed for the better, too!

Quell

s to you all - your stories are 'very' moving and you are all quite marvellous to (a) have survived so well and (b) to pursue 'health' in spite of the pain involved to you all!

g

I started going to therapy ten months ago due to something very traumatic (a betrayal) that happened in one of my closest relationships. To put it mildly, a switch was flipped inside of me, causing me to become trapped in the trauma of my childhood.

For years, I am 39, I had prided myself on not letting the first 16 horrible years of my life touch my husband or children. It seemed when the switch was flipped, I no longer had control over all the emotions, trauma, and I felt like I was headed in a direction that would be a dead end.

I initially went to therapy because I was struggling and could not find an answer to what was happening. It was horrible and I felt like I was in a catch 22.

I have struggled in therapy since day one because I do not trust easily. I have a very independent streak and I like to figure out my own problems. With this problem, I was in over my head, drowning.

Now I find myself frustrated because I feel that I am dealing with so many feelings toward my therapist, that I can't focus on the reasons of why I started coming to therapy in the first place. I wish I could say the feelings were positive, but they are not. Often, the feelings are unpleasant.

Frankly, it is pissing me off. I want the problem to be solved and yet, I am stuck. Stuck in the trauma of it all and believe me when I say I am not one to sit around and talk about what happened to me. I have rarely spoken of my childhood to anyone.

So, now I have so much fear of my therapist because of stupid transference issues, that I can't even open up and talk about anything because I am scared of him and don't trust him.

I have thought of changing therapists but I would have the same issues, or worse, because of gender.

I am wondering if I am just wasting my time. Logically, things make sense as to why I am feeling the way that I do toward the therapist, but emotionally, I am all over the place and since he is in a position of 'power,' I am having a hard time.

I go tomorrow and I actually had a panic attack today while I was driving. I texted him and stated that I had a panic attack and was uncertain if I should come in tomorrow. He said the reason why I panicked was because of the session tomorrow and that he would see me then.

I keep dragging myself back because I know if I don't deal with this, I will lose my family because of decisions I will make while being stuck in the trauma of my past.

So, what do I do when the person you are supposed to open up to scares the bajeebies out of you...and you know it is transference but it feels more of a concrete wall that you can't get past. I have told him that he scares me, but that it is unfair to him because he is not the one who did horrible things to me. I know that. I see that. But my feelings and everything within me are targeted at him. I seriously don't know if I am going to last in therapy.

Last week the therapist explained to my husband that this was going to take a while because of everything that has been triggered. I tried so hard to keep my past from affecting my future, and now look where I am. It always finds a way to come out, especially if it needs to be dealt with. To say I feel powerless is an understatement. I have no clue on how to get out of this and I feel the more I try, the more I sink.

I am trying to be patient with myself because I understand that things take time. 16 years of trauma doesn't just disappear in 10 months...and we haven't even dealt with the abuse...just building trust or trying to.

I am sorry if things seem a little scattered in this post. I am struggling and I am so sick of saying I am struggling.

Thanks for listening and if it's too much info, press delete. Thanks. T.