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Draggers I long for my T to hug me but she does not do any kind of touch, the only time we touched was on the first day I met her and we shook hands.
For me I want to feel her arms around me, everything I didn't get a child. But saying that I know she has emotionally touch me on a few occasions. I felt like she really cared about me and that was so healing.
Whenever I tell her I want her to hug me we talked about it a lot, I still feel like I need to be held but learning she holds me emotionally and now starting to feel it
Luci
For me I want to feel her arms around me, everything I didn't get a child. But saying that I know she has emotionally touch me on a few occasions. I felt like she really cared about me and that was so healing.
Whenever I tell her I want her to hug me we talked about it a lot, I still feel like I need to be held but learning she holds me emotionally and now starting to feel it
Luci
The first time I ever met my T, I was trying her out after about 8 months of unsuccessful sessions with a male T. He was awful and I started to believe he had some really bad motives to continue therapy.
I was pretty sure I was going to switch to her because first of all she has this amazing voice that made me feel cared for. I don't what it is about her voice but it gets my attention. But the clincher was as we were leaving her room, she puts her hand on my shoulder, told me take my time deciding whether to switch or not. My decision was made the moment she touched me.
Well that was the last time she touched me, many sessions and years ago. I told her a few sessions ago, I felt like I wanted something from her but I don't know what it is. I really don't, but sometimes I think it is as simple as I want her to hug me. I am never, ever going to ask for that, but I do want something and it is possible that's all it is. Who knows? I don't think I will ever find out.
I do know this is a disputed topic on this forum and I understand the need for boundries, but it seems like such a simple human need. I wish it was easier but it's just not.
I was pretty sure I was going to switch to her because first of all she has this amazing voice that made me feel cared for. I don't what it is about her voice but it gets my attention. But the clincher was as we were leaving her room, she puts her hand on my shoulder, told me take my time deciding whether to switch or not. My decision was made the moment she touched me.
Well that was the last time she touched me, many sessions and years ago. I told her a few sessions ago, I felt like I wanted something from her but I don't know what it is. I really don't, but sometimes I think it is as simple as I want her to hug me. I am never, ever going to ask for that, but I do want something and it is possible that's all it is. Who knows? I don't think I will ever find out.
I do know this is a disputed topic on this forum and I understand the need for boundries, but it seems like such a simple human need. I wish it was easier but it's just not.
Dragonfly 
This is toughie for us, we long for a hug from T (same sex T) mainly because we have never had hugs, so we kind of want what we never have had just to see what it feels like if that makes sense. But with Pings's histories, T knows that 'touch' both the word and the action could be loaded and dangerous for some of 'us'...
T has only ever kind of gently touched us briefly on our shoulder, once when we did some bereavement stuff and once when a little was very upset..so she is very aware of our boundary about it...but when she did that it was safe and in the right context for the parts concerned
T has touched us oodles in other ways though...sometimes with words, or a look or a gesture like passing us our 'cuddle cushion'. We have had some major conversations recently when our connection has been made even stronger by some deep sharing
. We had a recent chat about something 'we' will be starting in October and the 'wounded healer' concept came up and T shared something about that from her experiences...gosh what a moment
There have been other moments like that when she has met my teddy bears, admitted she has stuffed up and got something wrong, shed a tear or two (the other week 'we' passed her the tissue box), got excited for me or sat on the floor with me...or like today she will be bringing in paper, pens and art stuff for some work 'we' is doing, or melted our hearts when she says 'aww sweetheart' or read two certain ones The Gruffalo's Child and then gave us the book for keeps
So I guess for us, it may not be that touch is the physical act, touch can be about other things, other than boundaries, rights, wrongs of it, ethics...T has touched us in so many other ways and continues to do so
Pingsxx
This is toughie for us, we long for a hug from T (same sex T) mainly because we have never had hugs, so we kind of want what we never have had just to see what it feels like if that makes sense. But with Pings's histories, T knows that 'touch' both the word and the action could be loaded and dangerous for some of 'us'...
T has only ever kind of gently touched us briefly on our shoulder, once when we did some bereavement stuff and once when a little was very upset..so she is very aware of our boundary about it...but when she did that it was safe and in the right context for the parts concerned
T has touched us oodles in other ways though...sometimes with words, or a look or a gesture like passing us our 'cuddle cushion'. We have had some major conversations recently when our connection has been made even stronger by some deep sharing
There have been other moments like that when she has met my teddy bears, admitted she has stuffed up and got something wrong, shed a tear or two (the other week 'we' passed her the tissue box), got excited for me or sat on the floor with me...or like today she will be bringing in paper, pens and art stuff for some work 'we' is doing, or melted our hearts when she says 'aww sweetheart' or read two certain ones The Gruffalo's Child and then gave us the book for keeps
So I guess for us, it may not be that touch is the physical act, touch can be about other things, other than boundaries, rights, wrongs of it, ethics...T has touched us in so many other ways and continues to do so
Pingsxx
well, here goes! Light blue touch paper and retire to a safe distance!!
((draggers)) firstly can i say how much i admire your courage to post this thread. Its something I’ve been dying to ask and know about myself but like you, worried about the eruptions of feelings it might cause.
As Draggers has asked, leaving aside the ethical wrangling, or the possibility of differing ‘European’ and ‘American’ approaches to therapy in general (if they exist), what would be interesting are the differences in personal needs and experiences and if they are being fulfilled.
Just to re-iterate, my T is female about 10 years younger than me and i’m a straight married guy, and I can only comment here on MY thoughts and feelings about my therapy and my relationship with my T.
As I understand it, the relationship between therapist and client IS the therapy, in conjunction with the insights and analysis. Full stop. Forgive me if I’m wrong here and I’ll stand to be corrected.
For me, lacking the receipt of maternal love in the form of verbal confirmation or physical hugging, to receive it now from anyone is a huge blessing. T has always appeared to be happier to accept both forms of ‘touch’ FROM me to her. I can and do, tell her i love her; she tells me she loves me too, but ALWAYS adds “as a client” to the phrase. I always sign my e-mails to her “Love AV xx” but she will respond with “kind regards” back to me. She accepts that I will kiss her hand as a way of saying thank you T, see you next week. Her allowing me to give those things has been so important in the building of our relationship. Had she asked me not to do those things I would have felt it much harder to bond with her.
She has always ‘touched’ me in other ways which have been equally healing. She will e-mail me things out of the blue that she thinks i might find useful or interesting; she will lend me books or DVD’s she thinks might be of use to me. All of those acts ‘touch’ me, but the one that really was a huge healing moment, was when she e-mailed me, and only me, to say she had just got home safely from the USA last month. It was a short quick e-mail but it’s impact on me was immense. I knew that we had a wonderful relationship after that. Consequently she did allow me to hug her at my first after that just to make sure she really was back!
However I’m probably rambling. Back to physical touch.
T had never physically touched me as I recall apart from maybe a gentle rub of the arm as i left her house until about two weeks ago. At the end of a fairly normal session, nothing too deep or heavy, as I was leaving she put her arm round my shoulder and kissed my cheek to say goodbye!! That one gesture of kindness and caring meant more to me than all the other sessions put together. That she trusts me enough to do that, to blur her boundaries momentarily; to affirm to me that I am loveable as I am; that she really does care about me. The benefits of that judicious use of physical touch in MY therapy cannot be underestimated; it was a huge step forward for me and gave me a great deal of impetus to move forward.
I neither expect, nor receive, that degree of affirmation on a regular basis and am touched when she gently rubs my arm as I leave.
And yes, in case you’re wondering, and this may well be controversial, but I do occasionally put my arm round her shoulder and kiss her on the cheek to say goodbye also.
So, for ME and MY T, ever respectful of each others boundaries, touch is a positive and hugely beneficial part of the healing, and not to have worked towards that level of mutual trust and understanding in our relationship would have made the whole process so much more difficult.
Just my own thoughts and feelings
((draggers)) firstly can i say how much i admire your courage to post this thread. Its something I’ve been dying to ask and know about myself but like you, worried about the eruptions of feelings it might cause.
As Draggers has asked, leaving aside the ethical wrangling, or the possibility of differing ‘European’ and ‘American’ approaches to therapy in general (if they exist), what would be interesting are the differences in personal needs and experiences and if they are being fulfilled.
Just to re-iterate, my T is female about 10 years younger than me and i’m a straight married guy, and I can only comment here on MY thoughts and feelings about my therapy and my relationship with my T.
As I understand it, the relationship between therapist and client IS the therapy, in conjunction with the insights and analysis. Full stop. Forgive me if I’m wrong here and I’ll stand to be corrected.
For me, lacking the receipt of maternal love in the form of verbal confirmation or physical hugging, to receive it now from anyone is a huge blessing. T has always appeared to be happier to accept both forms of ‘touch’ FROM me to her. I can and do, tell her i love her; she tells me she loves me too, but ALWAYS adds “as a client” to the phrase. I always sign my e-mails to her “Love AV xx” but she will respond with “kind regards” back to me. She accepts that I will kiss her hand as a way of saying thank you T, see you next week. Her allowing me to give those things has been so important in the building of our relationship. Had she asked me not to do those things I would have felt it much harder to bond with her.
She has always ‘touched’ me in other ways which have been equally healing. She will e-mail me things out of the blue that she thinks i might find useful or interesting; she will lend me books or DVD’s she thinks might be of use to me. All of those acts ‘touch’ me, but the one that really was a huge healing moment, was when she e-mailed me, and only me, to say she had just got home safely from the USA last month. It was a short quick e-mail but it’s impact on me was immense. I knew that we had a wonderful relationship after that. Consequently she did allow me to hug her at my first after that just to make sure she really was back!
However I’m probably rambling. Back to physical touch.
T had never physically touched me as I recall apart from maybe a gentle rub of the arm as i left her house until about two weeks ago. At the end of a fairly normal session, nothing too deep or heavy, as I was leaving she put her arm round my shoulder and kissed my cheek to say goodbye!! That one gesture of kindness and caring meant more to me than all the other sessions put together. That she trusts me enough to do that, to blur her boundaries momentarily; to affirm to me that I am loveable as I am; that she really does care about me. The benefits of that judicious use of physical touch in MY therapy cannot be underestimated; it was a huge step forward for me and gave me a great deal of impetus to move forward.
I neither expect, nor receive, that degree of affirmation on a regular basis and am touched when she gently rubs my arm as I leave.
And yes, in case you’re wondering, and this may well be controversial, but I do occasionally put my arm round her shoulder and kiss her on the cheek to say goodbye also.
So, for ME and MY T, ever respectful of each others boundaries, touch is a positive and hugely beneficial part of the healing, and not to have worked towards that level of mutual trust and understanding in our relationship would have made the whole process so much more difficult.
Just my own thoughts and feelings
Yeah this is a toughie.
I have made it very clear to T that she isn't to hug me - and I am sure she has the message that it is any touch. Then when we go on therapy walks, we are super close and there is incidental touch. Sometimes when she is close to me I move away. When we sit on the couch - I put a huge cushion between us and tell her to stay on her side. But I have also told her that I know that I need to be hugged, but I am scared to be hugged because I will cry and I might not stop.
We were talking casually this week and a couple of times she gestured to touch me on the arm - she forgot the boundary of touch. Once I looked at her hand when she did it, ready to flee. it was something you would do with a closer acquaintance. I think I could sense that she kicked herself about it.
For me touch = intimacy. If I allow a hug = I am letting you into my inner space. Even tho I have a lovely relationship with T - I haven't let her in yet. But if I did I would feel weird in all sorts of ways. It is a dilemma.
Other T is older and she has hugged me and when she has I have cried each time and pulled away from her, but I want more of it.
My T is showing her care for me by doing all sorts of amazing things that help me. We have done about 10 things that she has never done with other clients in her 20 year career - ie therapy in the park, graveside therapy, celebration sessions, sitting side by side, Skyping... . before I came along she had never emailed clients between sessions. Each time she tells me it is new or "let's try it out". Her willingness to be flexible is amazing.
I think I have seen tears in her eyes when I talk about tough things. She says to me "i wish I could make things easier for you" which made me cry or she tells me she is there for me when I text her, or when she rings me and I say to her "how did you know I really needed you" and she says "because I know you well enough by now that today was a tough day". When I am having a hard time she lowers her voice, nearly to a whisper. she texts me or contacts me in case I need her during stressful times knowing that I would nearly die instead of asking for help.
To me - these are all special and intimate and for me (who is scared of actual touch) - means a huge amount.
And everytime she does something that is new, unorthodox, boundary violations (but good), flexible and individual for me - that is as good as touch. If I had to trade hugs for what T gives me = I will forgo hugs.
Somedays
I have made it very clear to T that she isn't to hug me - and I am sure she has the message that it is any touch. Then when we go on therapy walks, we are super close and there is incidental touch. Sometimes when she is close to me I move away. When we sit on the couch - I put a huge cushion between us and tell her to stay on her side. But I have also told her that I know that I need to be hugged, but I am scared to be hugged because I will cry and I might not stop.
We were talking casually this week and a couple of times she gestured to touch me on the arm - she forgot the boundary of touch. Once I looked at her hand when she did it, ready to flee. it was something you would do with a closer acquaintance. I think I could sense that she kicked herself about it.
For me touch = intimacy. If I allow a hug = I am letting you into my inner space. Even tho I have a lovely relationship with T - I haven't let her in yet. But if I did I would feel weird in all sorts of ways. It is a dilemma.
Other T is older and she has hugged me and when she has I have cried each time and pulled away from her, but I want more of it.
My T is showing her care for me by doing all sorts of amazing things that help me. We have done about 10 things that she has never done with other clients in her 20 year career - ie therapy in the park, graveside therapy, celebration sessions, sitting side by side, Skyping... . before I came along she had never emailed clients between sessions. Each time she tells me it is new or "let's try it out". Her willingness to be flexible is amazing.
I think I have seen tears in her eyes when I talk about tough things. She says to me "i wish I could make things easier for you" which made me cry or she tells me she is there for me when I text her, or when she rings me and I say to her "how did you know I really needed you" and she says "because I know you well enough by now that today was a tough day". When I am having a hard time she lowers her voice, nearly to a whisper. she texts me or contacts me in case I need her during stressful times knowing that I would nearly die instead of asking for help.
To me - these are all special and intimate and for me (who is scared of actual touch) - means a huge amount.
And everytime she does something that is new, unorthodox, boundary violations (but good), flexible and individual for me - that is as good as touch. If I had to trade hugs for what T gives me = I will forgo hugs.
Somedays
This is a difficult topic for me for a lot of reasons. First, I know I currently receive some things from T that some other people might want or find triggering, and I hate the idea of anyone being hurt because of not having them. Second, I'm really sensitive to feeling like I'm "wrong" and "bad" and don't deserve stuff and so someone expressing valid concern might make me feel like I can't connect with touch anymore, even though I have only positive/healing experiences with T. Also, because there is so much internal ambivalence about it. I myself am very avoidant of touch as are some other parts, but little parts seem to really need it and it is hard for me, because I have to fight disdain for both needing and being comforted to create a safe environment for them to do it. It can be rough, too, to share about my littles. I get a lot of fear of others not believing us, though I have integrated the aggressive denial part that was making me delete or edit stuff all the time and am not having such a hard time with projecting that anymore. Last, I know there has been so much conflict in the past over this topic, but I have a feeling that won't be a problem anymore. But, specifically BECAUSE it has been such a painful and divisive issue at times in the past, I do want to participate in a positive discussion about it.
I don't see touch as a boundary violation, unless it is of an inappropriate kind or the either party is not comfortable with it and the other is forcing the issue. I see it as a boundary crossing, which can be therapeutic or not, depending on the client. TN had posted a great article about this that both myself and my T enjoyed and related to. My T and I didn't touch, even shake hands, even once for the first year of our work together. I would bring up those needs and the ambivalence around them, but we never fully discussed it until I sent him the article. After that, he said he agreed, the article really resonated with his own long-held opinions that had been coached out of him early in his career. He did already do hello/goodbye hugs with clients who initiated them, so I didn't completely change his mode of working, but it changed a lot in our work.
It started with just sitting side-by-side, which felt much safer than being looked at. This was before being diagnosed and it triggered other parts out and their reaction caused him to withdraw a bit, seeing I was getting so activated. After diagnosis, we talked about the littles' need for touch, but never engaged in any until a few months after that conversation. It was a period of him just showing he was there, available, not approaching, not withdrawing, just being there. It made them feel safe. It took all of that for any of the kids (LY) to risk coming fully out for the first time. It took knowing comfort was available to begin processing some of the stuff they held. Before that, I thought maybe they could ever only talk inside and I would tell T what was going on. Them feeling like T both loved them and wouldn't hurt them is what allowed them to be out with me in the background or all on their own.
***Triggering: Just the sort of stuff the kids have found healing, but know others might find it triggering to read about.*** T sits right next to us. We hold hands when we pray. We can take his hand at any time if we need to. He has petted their heads, put a hand on their shoulders. He hugs, holds and has even squeezed tight when they are in horrible pain. There have been times a little has hid in a corner and he would come and sit close by and just be there and have his hand available to grab onto. He will move to the floor with us and back up as many times as happens. When LY has said she loves him, he says things like, "Aww, I love you too." He tends to always bring God into the equation, but that's just who he is, what informs his personal and professional life, not some sort of avoidance tactic. He always respects when he is asked to move away (usually seems to intuit it and ask if something is ok or not--he has only ever triggered one kid who has a very particular but otherwise innocuous location of being touched that freaks her out). He waits to be asked or he offers when he senses it is wanted, but he never, ever invades. He is very sensitive and intuitive about it and slowly, some of the kids are beginning to feel those needs are OK, though I'm still a holdout there.
***End Triggers***
Despite how healing that has been, I think there is universal agreement that the biggest impact T has ever made is not his willingness to continue offering those things as long as they are needed. It is actually a simple statement that he has made since almost the beginning, just a few months in, and continues to make to this day (including Monday night). He just tells them he's still there, not going anywhere, both him and God (the latter of which they didn't "get" at first, but are coming around to). He tells them he's not abandoning them, is staying, that it's not like it was, they are safe now. That and the staying, not approaching without invitation, not withdrawing (except that one time, I guess he learned his lesson, LOL)...has been the most healing thing about our work together. For these kids to just learn that someone safe will hold still long enough for them to learn what safety is. That there was nothing wrong with them that made people either abuse or abandon them. That there is a person who will do neither. I think that has been the single most healing experience in my therapy. Once they knew T would never, ever abuse them (which they felt instinctively almost from the beginning), they needed to know he would stay the course. The ways he has said and shown that he will, even if it means going above and beyond in so many ways, has meant more than any amount of hugs ever could. Having someone whose priority in the relationship is simply their welfare is not something they got to have when they should have. It means almost everything to them to have it and to begin to believe it (and I mean just begin, because it is a LONG process).
Sorry, hope that wasn't too weird or mushy. It's really hard for me to share this stuff, so I don't know if I'll leave it up or not. I'm not saying my T is perfect and he does muck it up from time to time. But he is always trying for our best and so humble when he falls short. That means so much.
I don't see touch as a boundary violation, unless it is of an inappropriate kind or the either party is not comfortable with it and the other is forcing the issue. I see it as a boundary crossing, which can be therapeutic or not, depending on the client. TN had posted a great article about this that both myself and my T enjoyed and related to. My T and I didn't touch, even shake hands, even once for the first year of our work together. I would bring up those needs and the ambivalence around them, but we never fully discussed it until I sent him the article. After that, he said he agreed, the article really resonated with his own long-held opinions that had been coached out of him early in his career. He did already do hello/goodbye hugs with clients who initiated them, so I didn't completely change his mode of working, but it changed a lot in our work.
It started with just sitting side-by-side, which felt much safer than being looked at. This was before being diagnosed and it triggered other parts out and their reaction caused him to withdraw a bit, seeing I was getting so activated. After diagnosis, we talked about the littles' need for touch, but never engaged in any until a few months after that conversation. It was a period of him just showing he was there, available, not approaching, not withdrawing, just being there. It made them feel safe. It took all of that for any of the kids (LY) to risk coming fully out for the first time. It took knowing comfort was available to begin processing some of the stuff they held. Before that, I thought maybe they could ever only talk inside and I would tell T what was going on. Them feeling like T both loved them and wouldn't hurt them is what allowed them to be out with me in the background or all on their own.
***Triggering: Just the sort of stuff the kids have found healing, but know others might find it triggering to read about.*** T sits right next to us. We hold hands when we pray. We can take his hand at any time if we need to. He has petted their heads, put a hand on their shoulders. He hugs, holds and has even squeezed tight when they are in horrible pain. There have been times a little has hid in a corner and he would come and sit close by and just be there and have his hand available to grab onto. He will move to the floor with us and back up as many times as happens. When LY has said she loves him, he says things like, "Aww, I love you too." He tends to always bring God into the equation, but that's just who he is, what informs his personal and professional life, not some sort of avoidance tactic. He always respects when he is asked to move away (usually seems to intuit it and ask if something is ok or not--he has only ever triggered one kid who has a very particular but otherwise innocuous location of being touched that freaks her out). He waits to be asked or he offers when he senses it is wanted, but he never, ever invades. He is very sensitive and intuitive about it and slowly, some of the kids are beginning to feel those needs are OK, though I'm still a holdout there.
***End Triggers***
Despite how healing that has been, I think there is universal agreement that the biggest impact T has ever made is not his willingness to continue offering those things as long as they are needed. It is actually a simple statement that he has made since almost the beginning, just a few months in, and continues to make to this day (including Monday night). He just tells them he's still there, not going anywhere, both him and God (the latter of which they didn't "get" at first, but are coming around to). He tells them he's not abandoning them, is staying, that it's not like it was, they are safe now. That and the staying, not approaching without invitation, not withdrawing (except that one time, I guess he learned his lesson, LOL)...has been the most healing thing about our work together. For these kids to just learn that someone safe will hold still long enough for them to learn what safety is. That there was nothing wrong with them that made people either abuse or abandon them. That there is a person who will do neither. I think that has been the single most healing experience in my therapy. Once they knew T would never, ever abuse them (which they felt instinctively almost from the beginning), they needed to know he would stay the course. The ways he has said and shown that he will, even if it means going above and beyond in so many ways, has meant more than any amount of hugs ever could. Having someone whose priority in the relationship is simply their welfare is not something they got to have when they should have. It means almost everything to them to have it and to begin to believe it (and I mean just begin, because it is a LONG process).
Sorry, hope that wasn't too weird or mushy. It's really hard for me to share this stuff, so I don't know if I'll leave it up or not. I'm not saying my T is perfect and he does muck it up from time to time. But he is always trying for our best and so humble when he falls short. That means so much.
My T and I have never so much as accidentally bumped each other's hands when he passes me the box of tissues. I long for a touch on the shoulder or arm during a difficult moment, not to mention a hug... It seems so natural to at least pat someone's arm or shoulder when they are falling apart. I know it would be difficult for me not to reach out to someone who was in obvious pain.
OTOH, if T ever did touch me I'd probably run screaming from the room, not because I don't crave it with every fiber of my being, but because it would be such a violation of his very crystal clear boundaries...
Great thread, BTW!
Hugs to all!
OTOH, if T ever did touch me I'd probably run screaming from the room, not because I don't crave it with every fiber of my being, but because it would be such a violation of his very crystal clear boundaries...
Great thread, BTW!
Hugs to all!
we shook hands once. like heart & soul, physical touch is something i long for and at the same time it would be incredibly awkward. i guess what it is i long for is to have the sort of connection to him where i could feel comfortable with hugs from him.
((( AV ))) that part where your T kissed you on the cheek was precious. thanks for sharing that ... that's about the sweetest thing i've heard. and i guess i'm a little jealous. good for you, though!
on a non-physical level T has said some things that "touched" me. the one thing that comes to mind is once when i told him i was going to find an AA meeting closer to home. after some more discussion he said he was glad i was looking for something closer to home. this threw me and i asked him why he was glad. he said because it would be easier for me. may not seem like much, but what i heard from that statement is that he cares.
((( AV ))) that part where your T kissed you on the cheek was precious. thanks for sharing that ... that's about the sweetest thing i've heard. and i guess i'm a little jealous. good for you, though!
on a non-physical level T has said some things that "touched" me. the one thing that comes to mind is once when i told him i was going to find an AA meeting closer to home. after some more discussion he said he was glad i was looking for something closer to home. this threw me and i asked him why he was glad. he said because it would be easier for me. may not seem like much, but what i heard from that statement is that he cares.
You know, whenever I read posts here about people wanting, needing, or healing from touch with their Ts I feel bewildered and a bit like an alien.
The mere idea of T touching me in any way fills me with a kind of shrinking aversion and dread. Anytime she comes within two feet of me, I feel myself tensing up. Even when I bring Baby to sessions and we hand him back and forth (she holds him sometimes when he'll let her) I'm very careful not to touch her during the transaction.
I don't know why I'm like this with her. I actually like her very much, and I'm not nearly so touch avoidant with any one else in my life. I've wondered about this a bit, but haven't tried to analyze it really. I figure the chances are she doesn't do touch anyway, so maybe the fact that I don't want it is all for the best.
I haven't always been great at receiving compassion from her in general. There have been times that she's said something nice to me, or sympathetic and I've glared back at her or just looked away skeptically. Lol, writing that out now it makes me sound rather dreadful. I'm not normally like that! Yet somehow in the moment with her it comes as a very instinctive and immediate response. Ironic given my username, but I don't tend to be very good at receiving compassion from people. I try to have compassion on myself, and I do a sort of centering practice wherein I try to sense myself as being held in compassion by God or the universe or whatever, but from other people, not so much. I feel suspicious about whether it's real and what the motive in offering it might be. At the same time, I do believe T to be a genuinely caring and empathic person, and that matters to me. A lot.
There have been a couple times when an expression of compassion or kindness from her has broken through to me in a way that has felt very healing. One time when I was feeling very low, so low that my defenses were more down than they normally are, I complained to her about being "forgettable." She was quiet for a moment and then said in the softest, gentlest voice I've ever heard from her, "You're not forgettable, HIC. You're not at all forgettable." In that moment, her sincerity seemed to fill the room and my heart along with it. It was a beautiful feeling.
Still wouldn't have wanted her to touch me, though. Keeping her at a physical distance feels safer, though I don't really know why.
The mere idea of T touching me in any way fills me with a kind of shrinking aversion and dread. Anytime she comes within two feet of me, I feel myself tensing up. Even when I bring Baby to sessions and we hand him back and forth (she holds him sometimes when he'll let her) I'm very careful not to touch her during the transaction.
I don't know why I'm like this with her. I actually like her very much, and I'm not nearly so touch avoidant with any one else in my life. I've wondered about this a bit, but haven't tried to analyze it really. I figure the chances are she doesn't do touch anyway, so maybe the fact that I don't want it is all for the best.
I haven't always been great at receiving compassion from her in general. There have been times that she's said something nice to me, or sympathetic and I've glared back at her or just looked away skeptically. Lol, writing that out now it makes me sound rather dreadful. I'm not normally like that! Yet somehow in the moment with her it comes as a very instinctive and immediate response. Ironic given my username, but I don't tend to be very good at receiving compassion from people. I try to have compassion on myself, and I do a sort of centering practice wherein I try to sense myself as being held in compassion by God or the universe or whatever, but from other people, not so much. I feel suspicious about whether it's real and what the motive in offering it might be. At the same time, I do believe T to be a genuinely caring and empathic person, and that matters to me. A lot.
There have been a couple times when an expression of compassion or kindness from her has broken through to me in a way that has felt very healing. One time when I was feeling very low, so low that my defenses were more down than they normally are, I complained to her about being "forgettable." She was quiet for a moment and then said in the softest, gentlest voice I've ever heard from her, "You're not forgettable, HIC. You're not at all forgettable." In that moment, her sincerity seemed to fill the room and my heart along with it. It was a beautiful feeling.
Still wouldn't have wanted her to touch me, though. Keeping her at a physical distance feels safer, though I don't really know why.
Hi Draggers,
Glad you asked the question as I am deeply grappling with the issue of safe touch and love in therapy and what we can and cannot get in therapy. This is a great discussion and I really appreciate how sensitive everyone is being and how clear that we each are speaking out of our own experience. I want to be especially clear that what I am going to say is about me, my therapy, my healing. I honestly have no idea if it would work this way for anyone else. I am clear that each person is a unique individual and their healing unfolds as uniquely, so no two healing paths are ever identical. I do not think it is reasonable to draw a hard line in therapy about touch, I think there are times where it is appropriate and healing (there is a whole school built around it) and there are times where it is appropriate to withhold it. The only really hard line I would draw is that there should never be a sexual relationship between a therapist and client.
My T shakes my hand at the end of every session (we also shake at the beginning of couples sessions because my husband always shakes T's hand hello and goodbye and I think he wants to make sure I'm not left out. We will also occasionally shake hands at the beginning of a session if we haven't seen each other in a while). The handshake is very important to me because it's proof I'm not "untouchable." It's a chance to really experience the connection in a tangible way before I leave. I always make sure to make eye contact during this handshake and often the kindness, care, concern and acceptance I see in my T's eyes as well as the gentleness with which he takes my hand is a touchstone I use to anchor myself until I see him again. This has become even more true as I have moved to a deeper level of security and trust. It's an important ritual that marks the end of our time together until we next meet.
My T has an across the board "no hug, no holding" policy. The only form of touch we ever have is the handshake and an occasional handbrush as I take my appointment card from him. This boundary of my Ts has proven to be INCREDIBLY important for me. The deeper I have gone into healing my past the more central I have realized that the dynamic of the acute ambivalence I felt towards my father, of being drawn towards him for some semblance of touch, comfort and love, while being terrified of going towards him because of the abuse, pain, confusion and overstimulation has been to my whole therapeutic relationship. I have recreated that tension in my relationship with my therapist. And at the center of that dynamic was my intense need and longing as a child for safe touch. To be held, soothed, comforted, enjoyed and loved without having to "pay" for it or be used because of those needs. Something my father did not provide.
I have spent a great deal of time grappling with not having touch in therapy. I have spent a LOT of sessions discussing this issue with my T and expressing my wanting to be held by him and wanting a hug and how it has felt to not have that. I even ended up screaming at him about how angry I was to not get it. This has often been a very painful subject and I have truly suffered over it. I am trying to be clear that this has not been a trivial or easily dealt with problem. I've had times where I have avoided reading any thread with the word "hug" in it because at times it has felt like I have the only therapist on the planet who doesn't hug. My problem, not anyone else's for posting about it, just to be clear. But here's the thing that's true for me. Not getting that from my therapist, not having that longing gratified or acted on, is exactly what has forced me to articulate my feelings instead and to explore what was behind them. The truth is that no matter how much my T would be wiling to hold me, it would not change one iota the pain and loss I suffered by not getting that from my father. And for me, the only way to heal from that loss has been to face and grieve it. So there was a purpose in that boundary. My T and I, as I mentioned, have extensively discussed it and his take is that any possible benefit that would come from a hug is not worth the risk of the damage it would do.
My last session, I finally looked into the depth of that reasoning and REALLY got it deep down. I am finally after 25 years, talking about my eating, my lack of control over it, my being overweight (as in morbidly obese, I'm a size 30) and the shame and hatred I feel for my body. At the center of these feelings seems to reside the abuse I suffered from my dad (I've just started really digging into this so it's a work in progress and I don't completely understand it yet). I ended up recovering a memory of actually being in my body and enjoying how it felt to be held and how happy I was to feel that and at that moment having it all destroyed by a horrible terror and shame. I think it's my memories of the moment when I went from getting what I needed from my "good" dad, to it turning abusive. It was really painful. In discussing it with my T, one of the painful things I talked about it was that part of why is so difficult to discuss this with him is because I AM attracted to him and I want him to be attracted to me, but I know, because of how I look, never in a million years. Then I told him that I didn't even know why I was worried about it as I knew even if I was the hottest 20 year old on the planet, it wouldn't make any difference because he understands his responsibility to his patients. But its incredibly painful to think that he is sitting across from me repulsed at the thought of my wanting him in that way (I stress this is coming from me, nothing my T has indicated) .He brought that up later in the session and said something that went straight through me. That he had mentioned that even if I was a voluptous young woman I would still be safe. That I should have had that with my father. No matter how I looked, no matter what I was asking for, no matter how close I got, I should have bee safe. And I wasn't. That my body had not betrayed me, my father had. That's the terrible truth and there's been a lot of grief, anger and sadness to deal with in the aftermath.
But in the middle of discussing this, I realized how important it was that my T had not touched me beyond a handshake. The longings for safe touch and to be held and not have anything happen are coming from the child part of me. When I was young and longed for those things, they were healthy and there was NO sexual component to them (sensual yes, it felt good, but not sexual, I was sexually immature). It was that innocence, that enjoyment of my body that should have been protected. But I am no longer a child, I am a grown woman who is sexually mature and has sexual desires and feelings. I am also attracted in a here and now way to my T. I find him physicially attractive as well as the person he is inside. So if I were to hug him, I'm not sure how I would experience it, if there would any erotic/sexual feelings involved. And because of how my father muddied things and how central an issue touch is proving to be for me, I realized how very important and healing it has been for me that my T has been so clear about our relationship and what it does and does not contain. I feel loved by him, accepted by him, understood by him. I trust him beyond how much I have ever trusted anyone. I know he is there as far as he controls it, no matter what. I also know I am utterly safe. That his love for me is focused on what is good for me, not what he needs. I will not be used to meet his needs. My realization of what a gift that is broke through and I actually said to him, "Forgive me, but what I am really thinking is why couldn't you have been my father? You give me what my father didn't." My T told me there was no reason to apologize, that he understood me wanting that, that it was ok to want that.
So Draggers, for me, I so often feel "held" even though I am not being touched. There is no feeling I express, no pain I feel, no thought I grapple with that my T isn't right there with me. I am met with gentleness and understanding. If that isn't love, I don't know what it looks like.
I have had him say incredibly healing things to me, things I carry in my heart always. He has taught me that I matter, that I am worthwhile, that my needs are legitimate and how to express them. I am incredibly grateful for what I have received and it is no exaggeration to say that my relationship with my T stands at the center of who I am. But I am also painfully aware that there are needs and longings from my childhood that he has NOT fulfilled because it is not possible. But he has provided a safe place to grieve them.
The other thing that has been really healing for me, while also being very hard, is contact outside of sessions with my T. He has a very generous contact policy of 24/7 phone or email contact, even when he's on vacation. If I leave an emergency message with his service, I get a call back within an hour. Email is sketchier and we have a number of disruptions around that, but they've been great therapeutic material. He does that because he knows the importance of being able to experience your attachment figure being there when you need them. But the only times he has ever initiate contact is because of a schedule change. He does not call if he's not returning mine or check on me between sessions, nor has he ever given me anything I have not first asked for. In other words, for the things he can provide, he is consistently and quickly responsive BUT I have to ask. Which on a very profound level has taught me that he trusts me. He trusts me to take care of myself and that I am capable of asking when I need help. I also don't have to go through the ups and downs of sometimes getting something and sometimes not. What I get or don't get can sometimes be painful, but I can trust it.
As for saying "I love you" my T never will, he has told me that it's difficult to know what someone means when they say those words and what it means for someone else to hear them. But I have told him that I love him a number of times and we recently have discussed his loving me. You can read about that on my blog.
Sorry this was so long. Sorting my longings and needs out, what was in the past, what is in the present, what can now be met, what no longer can has been at the center of my healing and has been a long, confusing process, one in which I have returned again and again on some topics to fight through and understand my feelings. The gift my T has given me is that he takes care of his own stuff so that there's plenty of room for mine and clarity in looking at them.
AG
Glad you asked the question as I am deeply grappling with the issue of safe touch and love in therapy and what we can and cannot get in therapy. This is a great discussion and I really appreciate how sensitive everyone is being and how clear that we each are speaking out of our own experience. I want to be especially clear that what I am going to say is about me, my therapy, my healing. I honestly have no idea if it would work this way for anyone else. I am clear that each person is a unique individual and their healing unfolds as uniquely, so no two healing paths are ever identical. I do not think it is reasonable to draw a hard line in therapy about touch, I think there are times where it is appropriate and healing (there is a whole school built around it) and there are times where it is appropriate to withhold it. The only really hard line I would draw is that there should never be a sexual relationship between a therapist and client.
My T shakes my hand at the end of every session (we also shake at the beginning of couples sessions because my husband always shakes T's hand hello and goodbye and I think he wants to make sure I'm not left out. We will also occasionally shake hands at the beginning of a session if we haven't seen each other in a while). The handshake is very important to me because it's proof I'm not "untouchable." It's a chance to really experience the connection in a tangible way before I leave. I always make sure to make eye contact during this handshake and often the kindness, care, concern and acceptance I see in my T's eyes as well as the gentleness with which he takes my hand is a touchstone I use to anchor myself until I see him again. This has become even more true as I have moved to a deeper level of security and trust. It's an important ritual that marks the end of our time together until we next meet.
My T has an across the board "no hug, no holding" policy. The only form of touch we ever have is the handshake and an occasional handbrush as I take my appointment card from him. This boundary of my Ts has proven to be INCREDIBLY important for me. The deeper I have gone into healing my past the more central I have realized that the dynamic of the acute ambivalence I felt towards my father, of being drawn towards him for some semblance of touch, comfort and love, while being terrified of going towards him because of the abuse, pain, confusion and overstimulation has been to my whole therapeutic relationship. I have recreated that tension in my relationship with my therapist. And at the center of that dynamic was my intense need and longing as a child for safe touch. To be held, soothed, comforted, enjoyed and loved without having to "pay" for it or be used because of those needs. Something my father did not provide.
I have spent a great deal of time grappling with not having touch in therapy. I have spent a LOT of sessions discussing this issue with my T and expressing my wanting to be held by him and wanting a hug and how it has felt to not have that. I even ended up screaming at him about how angry I was to not get it. This has often been a very painful subject and I have truly suffered over it. I am trying to be clear that this has not been a trivial or easily dealt with problem. I've had times where I have avoided reading any thread with the word "hug" in it because at times it has felt like I have the only therapist on the planet who doesn't hug. My problem, not anyone else's for posting about it, just to be clear. But here's the thing that's true for me. Not getting that from my therapist, not having that longing gratified or acted on, is exactly what has forced me to articulate my feelings instead and to explore what was behind them. The truth is that no matter how much my T would be wiling to hold me, it would not change one iota the pain and loss I suffered by not getting that from my father. And for me, the only way to heal from that loss has been to face and grieve it. So there was a purpose in that boundary. My T and I, as I mentioned, have extensively discussed it and his take is that any possible benefit that would come from a hug is not worth the risk of the damage it would do.
My last session, I finally looked into the depth of that reasoning and REALLY got it deep down. I am finally after 25 years, talking about my eating, my lack of control over it, my being overweight (as in morbidly obese, I'm a size 30) and the shame and hatred I feel for my body. At the center of these feelings seems to reside the abuse I suffered from my dad (I've just started really digging into this so it's a work in progress and I don't completely understand it yet). I ended up recovering a memory of actually being in my body and enjoying how it felt to be held and how happy I was to feel that and at that moment having it all destroyed by a horrible terror and shame. I think it's my memories of the moment when I went from getting what I needed from my "good" dad, to it turning abusive. It was really painful. In discussing it with my T, one of the painful things I talked about it was that part of why is so difficult to discuss this with him is because I AM attracted to him and I want him to be attracted to me, but I know, because of how I look, never in a million years. Then I told him that I didn't even know why I was worried about it as I knew even if I was the hottest 20 year old on the planet, it wouldn't make any difference because he understands his responsibility to his patients. But its incredibly painful to think that he is sitting across from me repulsed at the thought of my wanting him in that way (I stress this is coming from me, nothing my T has indicated) .He brought that up later in the session and said something that went straight through me. That he had mentioned that even if I was a voluptous young woman I would still be safe. That I should have had that with my father. No matter how I looked, no matter what I was asking for, no matter how close I got, I should have bee safe. And I wasn't. That my body had not betrayed me, my father had. That's the terrible truth and there's been a lot of grief, anger and sadness to deal with in the aftermath.
But in the middle of discussing this, I realized how important it was that my T had not touched me beyond a handshake. The longings for safe touch and to be held and not have anything happen are coming from the child part of me. When I was young and longed for those things, they were healthy and there was NO sexual component to them (sensual yes, it felt good, but not sexual, I was sexually immature). It was that innocence, that enjoyment of my body that should have been protected. But I am no longer a child, I am a grown woman who is sexually mature and has sexual desires and feelings. I am also attracted in a here and now way to my T. I find him physicially attractive as well as the person he is inside. So if I were to hug him, I'm not sure how I would experience it, if there would any erotic/sexual feelings involved. And because of how my father muddied things and how central an issue touch is proving to be for me, I realized how very important and healing it has been for me that my T has been so clear about our relationship and what it does and does not contain. I feel loved by him, accepted by him, understood by him. I trust him beyond how much I have ever trusted anyone. I know he is there as far as he controls it, no matter what. I also know I am utterly safe. That his love for me is focused on what is good for me, not what he needs. I will not be used to meet his needs. My realization of what a gift that is broke through and I actually said to him, "Forgive me, but what I am really thinking is why couldn't you have been my father? You give me what my father didn't." My T told me there was no reason to apologize, that he understood me wanting that, that it was ok to want that.
So Draggers, for me, I so often feel "held" even though I am not being touched. There is no feeling I express, no pain I feel, no thought I grapple with that my T isn't right there with me. I am met with gentleness and understanding. If that isn't love, I don't know what it looks like.
I have had him say incredibly healing things to me, things I carry in my heart always. He has taught me that I matter, that I am worthwhile, that my needs are legitimate and how to express them. I am incredibly grateful for what I have received and it is no exaggeration to say that my relationship with my T stands at the center of who I am. But I am also painfully aware that there are needs and longings from my childhood that he has NOT fulfilled because it is not possible. But he has provided a safe place to grieve them.
The other thing that has been really healing for me, while also being very hard, is contact outside of sessions with my T. He has a very generous contact policy of 24/7 phone or email contact, even when he's on vacation. If I leave an emergency message with his service, I get a call back within an hour. Email is sketchier and we have a number of disruptions around that, but they've been great therapeutic material. He does that because he knows the importance of being able to experience your attachment figure being there when you need them. But the only times he has ever initiate contact is because of a schedule change. He does not call if he's not returning mine or check on me between sessions, nor has he ever given me anything I have not first asked for. In other words, for the things he can provide, he is consistently and quickly responsive BUT I have to ask. Which on a very profound level has taught me that he trusts me. He trusts me to take care of myself and that I am capable of asking when I need help. I also don't have to go through the ups and downs of sometimes getting something and sometimes not. What I get or don't get can sometimes be painful, but I can trust it.
As for saying "I love you" my T never will, he has told me that it's difficult to know what someone means when they say those words and what it means for someone else to hear them. But I have told him that I love him a number of times and we recently have discussed his loving me. You can read about that on my blog.
Sorry this was so long. Sorting my longings and needs out, what was in the past, what is in the present, what can now be met, what no longer can has been at the center of my healing and has been a long, confusing process, one in which I have returned again and again on some topics to fight through and understand my feelings. The gift my T has given me is that he takes care of his own stuff so that there's plenty of room for mine and clarity in looking at them.
AG
Thanks, everyone for sharing your experiences.
I was so focused on my longing for physical touch that I forgot to mention how T has touched me in a non-physical manner. One statement he made will always stay with me, and some of you have heard this already... We were discussing how broken I felt, and that I thought I'd never be healed or "fixed." T looked at me with an empathetic (and rare), spontaneous smile and told me that I wasn't broken, that I did NOT need to be fixed, but that he would and could help me "recalibrate" my responses to people and events. That one statement did more to help me heal than anything he could have said or done. His belief in his ability to help me has been the only thing that got me through some really tough sessions.
Have I mentioned how much I love my T? He totally rocks!
I was so focused on my longing for physical touch that I forgot to mention how T has touched me in a non-physical manner. One statement he made will always stay with me, and some of you have heard this already... We were discussing how broken I felt, and that I thought I'd never be healed or "fixed." T looked at me with an empathetic (and rare), spontaneous smile and told me that I wasn't broken, that I did NOT need to be fixed, but that he would and could help me "recalibrate" my responses to people and events. That one statement did more to help me heal than anything he could have said or done. His belief in his ability to help me has been the only thing that got me through some really tough sessions.
Have I mentioned how much I love my T? He totally rocks!
I shook my T's hand on our very first session. I also shook it on the second session but I noticed he hesitated (not sure if he wasn't expecting it or if he was trying to decide whether it was okay or not) so I never did it again, and we haven't touched since. I believe he also mentioned once that he doesn't do touch, but it's a topic that was never discussed.
When I daydream about my T I do have a strong desire to be hugged and held by him, protected (something like the videoclip of Texas, "in demand"
) but when I'm actually in session I don't feel the same. He is just too present there, he is too much of a real person. I prefer to be hugged by this fantasy of a T I carry in my head, even though this fantasy T is inspired and based on the real T. Do I make any sense?
Something I'm starting to work during sessions is about my relationship with males and what I'm expecting from them. I look for parental affection (that lacked during all my childhood and teenage years, and still is lacking) on my relationships with men. I also expect males to respect boundaries that I do not put in place, and hope that they'll behave parental and protective towards me, which they never did.
I feel a bit of a jerk to admit this but I don't trust my T enough to know that he would keep the touch strictly parental. And maybe I don't trust myself either.
Really confusing topic for me.
I have felt emotionally hugged by my T though, and it always felt heartwarming and healing. I remember him telling me that "things do get better" even though I couldn't see it at a time; telling me that he believes in me; or the day he showed me his cat
When I daydream about my T I do have a strong desire to be hugged and held by him, protected (something like the videoclip of Texas, "in demand"
) but when I'm actually in session I don't feel the same. He is just too present there, he is too much of a real person. I prefer to be hugged by this fantasy of a T I carry in my head, even though this fantasy T is inspired and based on the real T. Do I make any sense?Something I'm starting to work during sessions is about my relationship with males and what I'm expecting from them. I look for parental affection (that lacked during all my childhood and teenage years, and still is lacking) on my relationships with men. I also expect males to respect boundaries that I do not put in place, and hope that they'll behave parental and protective towards me, which they never did.
I feel a bit of a jerk to admit this but I don't trust my T enough to know that he would keep the touch strictly parental. And maybe I don't trust myself either.
Really confusing topic for me.
I have felt emotionally hugged by my T though, and it always felt heartwarming and healing. I remember him telling me that "things do get better" even though I couldn't see it at a time; telling me that he believes in me; or the day he showed me his cat
My T and I have never physically touched, and she says she doesn't work with touch at all. I have very powerfully longed for it though, especially at certain points in my therapy. There were times I would think about it and it was almost as if I could feel it in my arms, the desire to reach for her. Around that time I had a number of dreams where my T held me, hugged me, held my hand, etc. I shared these with her and that prompted a discussion of touch where I learned that she doesn't do it at all. I wasn't able to ask specifically for what I really wanted (wondering if even a handshake was okay for example).
Part of the reason I want it is to make her seem more real to me. I rationally understand that she is there, she is helping me, she is with me. But to fully understand it on an emotional and physical level, I really do crave some sort of contact to signal that to me in a really fundamental way.
That being said, I think I'm accepting it now better than I was before. That's probably because my T has been able to connect with me so beautifully in emotional ways. Sometimes she'll lower her voice when we're talking about something difficult. When I've shared my poetry and writing with her she has always been complimentary. My favourite was when she said I gave her chills, or when she called one of my poems "exceedingly beautiful." These things, among so many others, mean so much to me. I'm so, so grateful that we have been able to form this connection where I can feel her empathy and understanding.
Part of the reason I want it is to make her seem more real to me. I rationally understand that she is there, she is helping me, she is with me. But to fully understand it on an emotional and physical level, I really do crave some sort of contact to signal that to me in a really fundamental way.
That being said, I think I'm accepting it now better than I was before. That's probably because my T has been able to connect with me so beautifully in emotional ways. Sometimes she'll lower her voice when we're talking about something difficult. When I've shared my poetry and writing with her she has always been complimentary. My favourite was when she said I gave her chills, or when she called one of my poems "exceedingly beautiful." These things, among so many others, mean so much to me. I'm so, so grateful that we have been able to form this connection where I can feel her empathy and understanding.
OK so this is about me....
First time I ever went into any therapy was almost 2yrs ago. Arrived and shook hands. I don't really have an aversion to touch. Sat down and opened up for the first time in my life. On saying I opened up I said very little but enough at the same time. Left by just saying good-bye and then in some freaked out state of mind I wrote her a mail with a little bit more detail and what I was going through due to opening up. I went back to her office to collect something 2 days later and without saying a word she held out her arms to me and I NEEDED that so badly - she was the only person in the whole world who now knew. We stood there hugging each other for a comfortable amount of time, and then without saying much I left. Next visit I revealed more, and was SO ashamed I couldn't even look up and she said..."B2W look at me (but I couldn't so she continued)...it was not your fault". Well I cannot tell you how powerful those words were because my entire life I believed it was my fault. I had lived with the shame and guilt that I felt I deserved, and here was this person who now knew the details and she believed me and wasn't repulsed. She then said "I'm going to walk around the desk and give you a hug is that OK?" I nodded and stood up and we held each other. It was one of the 2 most powerful moments of my life - the hug and the words "its not your fault", fall into one and then one other time we were doing another form of therapy and she stopped what she was doing and hugged me as I lay down. We stayed like that for a few minutes without a word. It was my life long dream. Apart from that we hugged at the end of each session when we said good-bye and I trusted her with my life. That was T1. Unfortunately she terminated the therapy and that is a whole other story.
It took me a while to go to someone else. I am now seeing someone else here and there but there is absolutely no touch and no bond.
T1 fed my needs by providing me not only with someone who listened, but someone I could identify with and felt close to because of the hugs. The hugs added great value to my therapy. Without them I don't know how I would have coped. On the other hand they added to the transference which almost clouded the therapy - or maybe some would argue that the transference was a part of the therapy. I don't know, but what I do know is that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was an answer to my prayers and right now without her (T1)I'm struggling. I now know what it feels like to be cared for and everything else seems so diluted and inadequate.
I guess the hugs and touches were a gift for me, but they may be too much or even harmful for someone else. I don't know. I do know that we are all different and our needs and/or our perceived needs are individual, so I don't suppose there is a right and wrong but rather a right and wrong depending on each individual.
Anyway this is my experience and my viewpoint.
B2W
First time I ever went into any therapy was almost 2yrs ago. Arrived and shook hands. I don't really have an aversion to touch. Sat down and opened up for the first time in my life. On saying I opened up I said very little but enough at the same time. Left by just saying good-bye and then in some freaked out state of mind I wrote her a mail with a little bit more detail and what I was going through due to opening up. I went back to her office to collect something 2 days later and without saying a word she held out her arms to me and I NEEDED that so badly - she was the only person in the whole world who now knew. We stood there hugging each other for a comfortable amount of time, and then without saying much I left. Next visit I revealed more, and was SO ashamed I couldn't even look up and she said..."B2W look at me (but I couldn't so she continued)...it was not your fault". Well I cannot tell you how powerful those words were because my entire life I believed it was my fault. I had lived with the shame and guilt that I felt I deserved, and here was this person who now knew the details and she believed me and wasn't repulsed. She then said "I'm going to walk around the desk and give you a hug is that OK?" I nodded and stood up and we held each other. It was one of the 2 most powerful moments of my life - the hug and the words "its not your fault", fall into one and then one other time we were doing another form of therapy and she stopped what she was doing and hugged me as I lay down. We stayed like that for a few minutes without a word. It was my life long dream. Apart from that we hugged at the end of each session when we said good-bye and I trusted her with my life. That was T1. Unfortunately she terminated the therapy and that is a whole other story.
It took me a while to go to someone else. I am now seeing someone else here and there but there is absolutely no touch and no bond.
T1 fed my needs by providing me not only with someone who listened, but someone I could identify with and felt close to because of the hugs. The hugs added great value to my therapy. Without them I don't know how I would have coped. On the other hand they added to the transference which almost clouded the therapy - or maybe some would argue that the transference was a part of the therapy. I don't know, but what I do know is that I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. It was an answer to my prayers and right now without her (T1)I'm struggling. I now know what it feels like to be cared for and everything else seems so diluted and inadequate.
I guess the hugs and touches were a gift for me, but they may be too much or even harmful for someone else. I don't know. I do know that we are all different and our needs and/or our perceived needs are individual, so I don't suppose there is a right and wrong but rather a right and wrong depending on each individual.
Anyway this is my experience and my viewpoint.
B2W
Good topic Draggers.
B2W, I could have written your post. My old T's touch was so very important to me and I can totally relate to how powerful it was and how it only worsened the transference involved.
I never considered her touch to be a violation of boundaries as it was never instigated without my permission, if she had forced it upon me I might feel otherwise but it was the first time in my life anyone had really hugged me. Saying that, there was one time she was waiting for me outside when I arrived as she knew the session was hard for me to attend and when I reached her she pulled me into a hug which I didn't return. As much as I liked the hug I guess I felt uncomfortable with the public show of affection and would rather she had waited until we were inside the room.
Her gentle way of understanding and empathising with what I was going through used to really reach me and enable me to feel heard and not feel so alone. Just hearing her voice was sometimes enough to get through to me. I felt held in so many ways with her, not just the physical sense.
However now I am unable to connect with another therapist as they all seem so detached and unavailable in comparison. I have yet to find someone who can reach me like she did and I doubt that I ever will.
I do believe Draggers that touch can be healing if implemented in the right way and if the therapist is doing it to meet a need within the client and not one in themselves.
Hugs
Butterfly
B2W, I could have written your post. My old T's touch was so very important to me and I can totally relate to how powerful it was and how it only worsened the transference involved.
I never considered her touch to be a violation of boundaries as it was never instigated without my permission, if she had forced it upon me I might feel otherwise but it was the first time in my life anyone had really hugged me. Saying that, there was one time she was waiting for me outside when I arrived as she knew the session was hard for me to attend and when I reached her she pulled me into a hug which I didn't return. As much as I liked the hug I guess I felt uncomfortable with the public show of affection and would rather she had waited until we were inside the room.
Her gentle way of understanding and empathising with what I was going through used to really reach me and enable me to feel heard and not feel so alone. Just hearing her voice was sometimes enough to get through to me. I felt held in so many ways with her, not just the physical sense.
However now I am unable to connect with another therapist as they all seem so detached and unavailable in comparison. I have yet to find someone who can reach me like she did and I doubt that I ever will.
I do believe Draggers that touch can be healing if implemented in the right way and if the therapist is doing it to meet a need within the client and not one in themselves.
Hugs
Butterfly
(((DFly)))
This thread has been extremely interesting, and the responses just heartwarming.
To see such a well balanced and common sense approach to what is perhaps one of the most difficult areas of therapy to get agreement on has been terrific, and is, by and large, down to your careful initial approach to the subject.
What is clear is that every client/therapist relationship is totally unique and within that, each session may require handling differently.
That our needs and fears are so carefully provided for or allayed by our T's in what they do or say, or don't do or say; by allowing our and their boundaries to be blurred or adhered to as required, is a testament to their skill and dedication to our well being.
Sometimes they just don't receive the credit they all truly deserve. We are ALL so lucky to have them.
This thread has been extremely interesting, and the responses just heartwarming.
To see such a well balanced and common sense approach to what is perhaps one of the most difficult areas of therapy to get agreement on has been terrific, and is, by and large, down to your careful initial approach to the subject.
What is clear is that every client/therapist relationship is totally unique and within that, each session may require handling differently.
That our needs and fears are so carefully provided for or allayed by our T's in what they do or say, or don't do or say; by allowing our and their boundaries to be blurred or adhered to as required, is a testament to their skill and dedication to our well being.
Sometimes they just don't receive the credit they all truly deserve. We are ALL so lucky to have them.
It's fascinating to read everyone's responses. We've had many threads about touch, but never one where everyone got to share their experiences with it, either touch or no touch, good or bad. So I've loved reading through these responses.
My T is completely fine with touch, although I don't think I've touched her (besides an occasional handshake) in over a year and a half. She's never, ever pushed it on me and always waits for me to ask. A few months after I first started therapy I had a really bad suicidal crisis. T had to go with me to help me take precautions to make sure nothing happened. The session after that, she asked me what would help me feel comforted (or something like that). Well, I was quite dissociated, feeling very small, and so all I wanted was for T to hold me, and she did. We sat on the floor and she put her arm around me. We did that maybe 2 more times over the next few months.
I remember her saying, at that time, that she was completely fine with holding and even said that I could lay my head in her lap (which, admittedly, kind of freaked me out and still does). I feel like the whole laying my head in her lap may actually be too much touch for a therapeutic setting, but my T has been so wonderful, so on point, for so long that I figure she must know how to keep it appropriate toward the therapy. But still.
Since those earlier days with her where we used touch, we haven't done it since then. Not because she wouldn't be willing to, but because I don't want to. Occasionally, when I've dissociated into that smaller person, I feel myself wanting her to hold me, but getting up the courage to ask feels impossible. And it also feels kind of.. icky. When I think back onto the touch from before, it doesn't feel comforting at all. I think I'm just so scared of needing her and also scared of that kind of intimacy, that when I'm my complete, adult self, I can't appreciate the value of that touch.
So, it's not that I have an aversion to touch, but I have an aversion to touch that means something. I can hug someone, no problem. But once it means something, then it freaks me out and I can't do it. Even after all this time with T, I'm still scared of admitting that I need anything from her, and, for me, the very act of asking for a hug or any kind of touch, is also admitting that I need something from her. At the same time, I desperately wish I could just internalize that comfort that she's offering. It would be so healing.
But, as others have said, physical touch isn't always necessary. T's words have also touched me in various ways - which is probably why, even though we've gone so long without touch, it doesn't necessarily feel like something I've "missed." I'm comforted in that T hasn't pushed any touch at all and that she's respectful of my boundaries, even when they seem to vary wildly.
My T is completely fine with touch, although I don't think I've touched her (besides an occasional handshake) in over a year and a half. She's never, ever pushed it on me and always waits for me to ask. A few months after I first started therapy I had a really bad suicidal crisis. T had to go with me to help me take precautions to make sure nothing happened. The session after that, she asked me what would help me feel comforted (or something like that). Well, I was quite dissociated, feeling very small, and so all I wanted was for T to hold me, and she did. We sat on the floor and she put her arm around me. We did that maybe 2 more times over the next few months.
I remember her saying, at that time, that she was completely fine with holding and even said that I could lay my head in her lap (which, admittedly, kind of freaked me out and still does). I feel like the whole laying my head in her lap may actually be too much touch for a therapeutic setting, but my T has been so wonderful, so on point, for so long that I figure she must know how to keep it appropriate toward the therapy. But still.
Since those earlier days with her where we used touch, we haven't done it since then. Not because she wouldn't be willing to, but because I don't want to. Occasionally, when I've dissociated into that smaller person, I feel myself wanting her to hold me, but getting up the courage to ask feels impossible. And it also feels kind of.. icky. When I think back onto the touch from before, it doesn't feel comforting at all. I think I'm just so scared of needing her and also scared of that kind of intimacy, that when I'm my complete, adult self, I can't appreciate the value of that touch.
So, it's not that I have an aversion to touch, but I have an aversion to touch that means something. I can hug someone, no problem. But once it means something, then it freaks me out and I can't do it. Even after all this time with T, I'm still scared of admitting that I need anything from her, and, for me, the very act of asking for a hug or any kind of touch, is also admitting that I need something from her. At the same time, I desperately wish I could just internalize that comfort that she's offering. It would be so healing.
But, as others have said, physical touch isn't always necessary. T's words have also touched me in various ways - which is probably why, even though we've gone so long without touch, it doesn't necessarily feel like something I've "missed." I'm comforted in that T hasn't pushed any touch at all and that she's respectful of my boundaries, even when they seem to vary wildly.
Hi Draggers,
I think touch in therapy is really interesting to debate and my thoughts are that so much depends on both the client and the therapist. Not everybody likes being touched, even by close friends or family, yet to others touch is so important.
I remember the first time my T held my hand was when I was telling her something reallly difficult. The words just wouldn't come out, then she just quietly held my hand and for the first time in many many years (apart from with my DH),I felt a sense that somebody really cared about things that for me had always been so taboo. That was several years ago, but still stands out as being very powerful, as simple as it was.
Since then she has held my hand many a time I am quite an independent soul and rarely ask for help or support, yet in sessions the support and care that I receive is very important to validating what happened to me. My T does hug me if I get upset, or sometimes we have a brief hug at moments that are particularly sad or shameful for me. Sometimes we hug at the end, which for me feels like an unspoken acceptance of all that has gone before.
Touch sometimes goes beyond words. For me is it a way of knowing firstly that she cares, but also that she understands and is supporting and accepting me. I have never felt it intrusive or uncomfortable and my T is always gentle and respectful. Sometimes a hand to hold will give me the strength to carry on talking, knowing and feeling that human contact with another; sometimes a hug might show me that somebody can touch and care when I feel bad and unlovely.
We are all different and there is no right or wrong. As long as both parties respect and trust I think each therapist/client relationship can be different.
Good thread Draggers,thank you.
starfishy
I think touch in therapy is really interesting to debate and my thoughts are that so much depends on both the client and the therapist. Not everybody likes being touched, even by close friends or family, yet to others touch is so important.
I remember the first time my T held my hand was when I was telling her something reallly difficult. The words just wouldn't come out, then she just quietly held my hand and for the first time in many many years (apart from with my DH),I felt a sense that somebody really cared about things that for me had always been so taboo. That was several years ago, but still stands out as being very powerful, as simple as it was.
Since then she has held my hand many a time
I am quite an independent soul and rarely ask for help or support, yet in sessions the support and care that I receive is very important to validating what happened to me. My T does hug me if I get upset, or sometimes we have a brief hug at moments that are particularly sad or shameful for me. Sometimes we hug at the end, which for me feels like an unspoken acceptance of all that has gone before.Touch sometimes goes beyond words. For me is it a way of knowing firstly that she cares, but also that she understands and is supporting and accepting me. I have never felt it intrusive or uncomfortable and my T is always gentle and respectful. Sometimes a hand to hold will give me the strength to carry on talking, knowing and feeling that human contact with another; sometimes a hug might show me that somebody can touch and care when I feel bad and unlovely.
We are all different and there is no right or wrong. As long as both parties respect and trust I think each therapist/client relationship can be different.
Good thread Draggers,thank you
.starfishy
STRM,
Thank you for sharing that, I feel less alone. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really understand the "icky" feeling but please know you didn't do anything wrong. I am very glad that your new T seems to have a better understanding of what you need in this area.
AG
Thank you for sharing that, I feel less alone. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really understand the "icky" feeling but please know you didn't do anything wrong. I am very glad that your new T seems to have a better understanding of what you need in this area.
AG
I have really enjoyed reading everyone's responses on this topic. It seems to me that touch in itself is so often secondary to other issues like trust, dependence, transference, support, etc. which play themselves out through touch or through other means.
Touch has not played a substantial role in my own therapy. I hugged OldT a few times, and I think it did intensify the transference, but I eventually stopped because it felt too dysregulating (I was afraid of running into furniture on the way out). Although my current T, like Cat's, is trained in touch work through Somatic Experiencing, we haven't done any of that yet because I would get anxious just thinking about it, in spite of having no apparent issues around touch in my regular life. Like Kashley said, it may be more the meaning of the touch than the touch itself that seems overwhelming to me. The relationship with my T is already so intense that it doesn't need amplification at this point.
STRM, what you wrote below resonated with me a lot:
One thing I am learning about therapy is the critical importance of walking the fine line between appearing cold and detached, and giving *too much* nurture. My own T has somehow been a genius with this, but it may be in many cases that there is no place on the spectrum that isn't uncomfortable for the client in some way, so they have to know how to keep the balance in the face of protestation. But in all cases, surely our T's wouldn't do us a favor by continuing to do FOR us what they could teach us (although it might be a long process) to do for ourselves, or to get in our other relationships.
The issue of child parts seems particularly important here. I think one error my oldT made, and that many T's may in fact make, is to try to step in too much to reparent younger parts, whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, instead of working with our more adult parts to teach us how to reparent *ourselves.* When you think about it, our little parts ultimately don't belong to our T's (however much they would love to, alas), so much as they belong to US now as adults (this is not to say we aren't special to our T's as well). But just as a good family or child therapist would work with parents to become better parents, and maintain respectful boundaries when working with other people's children (which doesn't mean they can't be warm and understanding), in the same way I think T's whenever possible should not work with child parts without the consent and cooperation of our more adult parts. I guess the exception would be in the case of highly dissociated people, who are unable to establish contact between their own adult and child parts. While it may be necessary or inevitable in the interim for our young parts to be attached to our T's, ultimately WE are the ones that need to be stable attachment figures for those parts.
In a different sense, it's true that our young and wounded parts are often screaming for comfort, reassurance, etc., but giving those things through touch or otherwise is counterproductive when it ignores that those things are not their only need; they also need to be witnessed and helped to process or let go of trauma and false beliefs. It's kind of like cuddling up to someone to keep them warm, instead of helping them fix their broken window which is letting in freezing air which is making them cold in the first place.
Having said all that, I see a lot of appropriate roles for touch in therapy, as long as T's understand that no amount of nurturing touch, in and of itself, will necessarily heal the wounds that need to heal, and may actually make things worse. I really appreciate T's who understand how and when it is safe to use touch for supportive or other purposes without appearing to hold out the promise of something which they can't ultimately be or provide.
I know the times I have felt most "touched" myself in therapy were when my T took the time to really understand something about me in a deep way, like noticing how I react to something or some aspect of my relationships. I think I am very sensitive to others becoming emotionally intrusive or enmeshed with me, so that kind of understanding was more meaningful and easier for me to take in than any expression or warmth, caring, or empathy would have been.
Touch has not played a substantial role in my own therapy. I hugged OldT a few times, and I think it did intensify the transference, but I eventually stopped because it felt too dysregulating (I was afraid of running into furniture on the way out). Although my current T, like Cat's, is trained in touch work through Somatic Experiencing, we haven't done any of that yet because I would get anxious just thinking about it, in spite of having no apparent issues around touch in my regular life. Like Kashley said, it may be more the meaning of the touch than the touch itself that seems overwhelming to me. The relationship with my T is already so intense that it doesn't need amplification at this point.
STRM, what you wrote below resonated with me a lot:
quote:The young parts loved getting the nurturing that they had never experienced, but it was a double edged sword. They finally felt what it was like which of course led to them wanting more and unfortunately learning to do that internally was never cultivated with my T and in fact she later admitted she fostered dependency in the young parts.
One thing I am learning about therapy is the critical importance of walking the fine line between appearing cold and detached, and giving *too much* nurture. My own T has somehow been a genius with this, but it may be in many cases that there is no place on the spectrum that isn't uncomfortable for the client in some way, so they have to know how to keep the balance in the face of protestation. But in all cases, surely our T's wouldn't do us a favor by continuing to do FOR us what they could teach us (although it might be a long process) to do for ourselves, or to get in our other relationships.
The issue of child parts seems particularly important here. I think one error my oldT made, and that many T's may in fact make, is to try to step in too much to reparent younger parts, whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, instead of working with our more adult parts to teach us how to reparent *ourselves.* When you think about it, our little parts ultimately don't belong to our T's (however much they would love to, alas), so much as they belong to US now as adults (this is not to say we aren't special to our T's as well). But just as a good family or child therapist would work with parents to become better parents, and maintain respectful boundaries when working with other people's children (which doesn't mean they can't be warm and understanding), in the same way I think T's whenever possible should not work with child parts without the consent and cooperation of our more adult parts. I guess the exception would be in the case of highly dissociated people, who are unable to establish contact between their own adult and child parts. While it may be necessary or inevitable in the interim for our young parts to be attached to our T's, ultimately WE are the ones that need to be stable attachment figures for those parts.
In a different sense, it's true that our young and wounded parts are often screaming for comfort, reassurance, etc., but giving those things through touch or otherwise is counterproductive when it ignores that those things are not their only need; they also need to be witnessed and helped to process or let go of trauma and false beliefs. It's kind of like cuddling up to someone to keep them warm, instead of helping them fix their broken window which is letting in freezing air which is making them cold in the first place.
Having said all that, I see a lot of appropriate roles for touch in therapy, as long as T's understand that no amount of nurturing touch, in and of itself, will necessarily heal the wounds that need to heal, and may actually make things worse. I really appreciate T's who understand how and when it is safe to use touch for supportive or other purposes without appearing to hold out the promise of something which they can't ultimately be or provide.
I know the times I have felt most "touched" myself in therapy were when my T took the time to really understand something about me in a deep way, like noticing how I react to something or some aspect of my relationships. I think I am very sensitive to others becoming emotionally intrusive or enmeshed with me, so that kind of understanding was more meaningful and easier for me to take in than any expression or warmth, caring, or empathy would have been.
quote:I think one error my oldT made, and that many T's may in fact make, is to try to step in too much to reparent younger parts, whether it is done consciously or unconsciously, instead of working with our more adult parts to teach us how to reparent *ourselves.*
BLT: Yes, exactly. This is one thing that I really appreciate about my new T. She works from a place of my "healthy adult self" and is always relating everything (and all parts) back to that. She also works from a place of my strengths rather than my weaknesses which makes it much easier to address the weaknesses/parts of self that are difficult to accept.
I think that my old T had the best of intentions to begin with, but she had a blind spot (she admitted this so I'm not assuming) and ended up in too far and hurt me in the process. I don't think that is all that uncommmon.
quote:One thing I am learning about therapy is the critical importance of walking the fine line between appearing cold and detached, and giving *too much* nurture.
Yes, I agree with this as well. My new T is very good at this. I feel nurtured and cared for in a therapuetic way in her presence yet she uses no touch and I have no contact with her between sessions (I've chosen not to). I don't experience her as cold or detached even though I do feel a distinct distance, it feels very safe and in that I feel nurtured.
I think Butterfly just sums up both sides of the debate beautifully
starfishy
quote:I do believe Draggers that touch can be healing if implemented in the right way and if the therapist is doing it to meet a need within the client and not one in themselves.
starfishy
Thanks for opening this discussion and for sharing your story with us draggers. It was absolutely beautiful to read.
((((DRAGGERS))))
Such an interesting topic. My T doesn't really do touch. I'm not sure I completely agree with the reasons given not only by him but by the profession although I understand the need for caution. My T is worried about what it will evoke for me. (I'm sure he's worried about other things as well.) And as much as I did enjoy the two hugs I got, I have to admit they also brought up incredibly strong feelings of powerlessness and rage although that was partly his fault because he just offered it and did not discuss it with me ahead of time or ask my permission.
In my opinion, touch should be on a case by case basis and dependent upon the two people working together. I do believe the intent of the touch should be discussed and thoroughly understood by both parties before it takes place. It bugs me when T's have blanket rules about anything.
The lack of touch makes my T feel like cardboard at times. The few times that he has touched me have been so powerfully connection and healing. Sometimes I really think it's going to be a roadblock in terms of me continuing to work with him. His words and acts are touching but there is no comparison to how I felt when he hugged me.
But here's an example of something he did just yesterday that touched me deeply. I had to cancel my appointment this past Thursday because we went away for a couple of days. It was a really tough decision for me. It took me days to make the decision and I went back and forth several times. I was so choked up about it all that I couldn't even call T's secretary to cancel so I just wrote a note to T and dropped it off at his office. I enclosed a magnet in the envelope for him. T and I had talked about magnets about a week ago. For me, giving him the magnet was an expression of the love I feel for him but I felt too exposed leaving that out there dangling so, in the note, I told him it was a transitional object for him, in case he missed me when I would normally have my appointment. LOL!
My Thursday appointment is right after his lunch. He called me 6 minutes before my usual appointment and left a message. I was at an adventure park with my kids at the time so I did not get the message until later. In the message, he said that he hung the magnet in a prominent place but that it wasn't really necessary because we are ALWAYS connected.
It was lovely and touching but I still want to throw myself into his arms sometimes and cry.
Such an interesting topic. My T doesn't really do touch. I'm not sure I completely agree with the reasons given not only by him but by the profession although I understand the need for caution. My T is worried about what it will evoke for me. (I'm sure he's worried about other things as well.) And as much as I did enjoy the two hugs I got, I have to admit they also brought up incredibly strong feelings of powerlessness and rage although that was partly his fault because he just offered it and did not discuss it with me ahead of time or ask my permission.
In my opinion, touch should be on a case by case basis and dependent upon the two people working together. I do believe the intent of the touch should be discussed and thoroughly understood by both parties before it takes place. It bugs me when T's have blanket rules about anything.
The lack of touch makes my T feel like cardboard at times. The few times that he has touched me have been so powerfully connection and healing. Sometimes I really think it's going to be a roadblock in terms of me continuing to work with him. His words and acts are touching but there is no comparison to how I felt when he hugged me.
But here's an example of something he did just yesterday that touched me deeply. I had to cancel my appointment this past Thursday because we went away for a couple of days. It was a really tough decision for me. It took me days to make the decision and I went back and forth several times. I was so choked up about it all that I couldn't even call T's secretary to cancel so I just wrote a note to T and dropped it off at his office. I enclosed a magnet in the envelope for him. T and I had talked about magnets about a week ago. For me, giving him the magnet was an expression of the love I feel for him but I felt too exposed leaving that out there dangling so, in the note, I told him it was a transitional object for him, in case he missed me when I would normally have my appointment. LOL!
My Thursday appointment is right after his lunch. He called me 6 minutes before my usual appointment and left a message. I was at an adventure park with my kids at the time so I did not get the message until later. In the message, he said that he hung the magnet in a prominent place but that it wasn't really necessary because we are ALWAYS connected.
It was lovely and touching but I still want to throw myself into his arms sometimes and cry.
Hi Draggers!
Oh, you are a brave one...and the responses you have gotten are so amazing, every one.
I'm trying to get a bit back in, I thought I'd tell you my experience...
So you know how it was with my old T....opf course, no touch, but...yes I wished for it.
Now I see Cowboy T///and I shook his hand right away, on purpose, and I hugged him, whether he did like it or not, a couple of times, and then, I purposely asked for a hug a couple of times, and once, he even hugged me when I left without me asking. And I didn't care about any of it, except, it was nice, but, seriously no big deal. Except...the one time he hugged me without me asking after a tough session. That one really, really stuck with me, and it hit me in a deeper way emotionally than anything else I have done with him to date. And I have not felt much connected, though we have good sessions always, and I talk lots now. But...to have this person who clearly needs nothing from me and has rock solid boundaries, actually hug me, unsolicited...well, I will say it touched me, kinda! And then one time he said.."I missed you last week" when I had canceled a session, and well...I hate to admit it, but that was kinda nice, even though I rolled my eyes and said "yeah right," at the time. But I don't hug (or ask for hugs) much, I think I more did it as an experiment, just to see what all the hype was about? It didn't do that much for me, except it was kinda nice, friendly-feeling. A bit of a relief after feeling alone with stuff during session.
anyway...I miss you. i will try to leave this up.
Oh, you are a brave one...and the responses you have gotten are so amazing, every one.
I'm trying to get a bit back in, I thought I'd tell you my experience...
So you know how it was with my old T....opf course, no touch, but...yes I wished for it.
Now I see Cowboy T///and I shook his hand right away, on purpose, and I hugged him, whether he did like it or not, a couple of times, and then, I purposely asked for a hug a couple of times, and once, he even hugged me when I left without me asking. And I didn't care about any of it, except, it was nice, but, seriously no big deal. Except...the one time he hugged me without me asking after a tough session. That one really, really stuck with me, and it hit me in a deeper way emotionally than anything else I have done with him to date. And I have not felt much connected, though we have good sessions always, and I talk lots now. But...to have this person who clearly needs nothing from me and has rock solid boundaries, actually hug me, unsolicited...well, I will say it touched me, kinda! And then one time he said.."I missed you last week" when I had canceled a session, and well...I hate to admit it, but that was kinda nice, even though I rolled my eyes and said "yeah right," at the time. But I don't hug (or ask for hugs) much, I think I more did it as an experiment, just to see what all the hype was about? It didn't do that much for me, except it was kinda nice, friendly-feeling. A bit of a relief after feeling alone with stuff during session.
anyway...I miss you. i will try to leave this up.