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quote:it also feels like my deepest desire
Hi Monte,
Good to see you back. I've always enjoyed your posts. I understand the coming and going and deletion of posts, which is something I do from time to time.
I have to admit that I was initially skeptical of inner child work when I began reading posts about it because my P never refers to my inner child and I never imagined that I could "conjure" her up, but it has happened, most unexpectedly, and it has helped me heal.
I believe it can be at the heart of our healing, depending on what we're working on in therapy, which is why you probably feel it as your deepest desire. But having said that, I don't think it's something you can or even should try to make happen. it might be one of those cases of trying so hard that you are blocking the possibility?
After a couple of years of therapy with my P, which was probably mostly left brain as we discussed all the issues created by my former P, I felt this inner child come out when I suddenly became very hurt by a comment my P made. I knew I was totally overreacting to what he said, but I felt so hurt and devastated that I had to get back in right away to see him and try to make sense of it all.
I can still remember sitting there and saying...I just feel so sad (referring to the last session) and he tenderly said to me, tell me why you are so sad. I know it sounds so simple but I felt like a 5 year old sitting on the sofa with my feet unable to touch the floor and all the emotions from that time period were now in the present with him. It was a very healing moment, but I cannot recreate it.
What I can do, and what I seemed to be on the track to do from that session on, was to begin re-experiencing the pain from the past, those traumas that apparently made me seek therapy, directly with him. The slightest comment or action from him began to have the power to trigger emotions from the past. As I revealed these long-buried feelings to him and he responded in an accepting and nurturing way, I felt the trust and healing grow.
My P is very consistent with his boundaries and it's not as if he's doing or saying anything to draw this out of me. He is a very caring person, committed to helping me, but he's never directly expressed feelings towards me. He's provided a very safe and predictable environment which has allowed me to open up.
I think the key is to relax, not expect cues from him and let him be that blank slate for a while, then the feelings from your past, as a child, may resurface in his presence.
It sounds so simple in writing, but it is so complex in practice.
I also have those sleepless nights at time where I'm having the perfectly healing session with my P in my mind, but then I go in and we have a totally different experience.
Hi Monte. It's good to see you here!
I have a lot of thoughts on this, which are going to be informed by my experiences learning about Internal Family Systems therapy, which mostly I have read about online and which I've been applying myself with a lot of good results.
The theory behind IFS is that everyone has "parts" (this is normal and not unhealthy) and it puts parts into three classifications. The first is Self, which is kind of your core self- the part of you that is most wise, compassionate, calm, brave, etc. The second are exiles, which are the young and vulnerable parts, of which the inner child you are talking about would be one. The third class are protector parts, whose purpose is to protect the exiles, either from getting triggered at the wrong time or else from getting hurt any further. Protectors have a whole plethora of strategies they can use for this purpose, from being very intellectual or competent, to dissociation, all the way to using eating or drugs as a way to numb.
From what you write, I am guessing that you have protector parts which aren't comfortable letting your inner child out in the presence of other people. The first step then would be to find and work with those parts. I have had to do the same thing for myself in therapy because I was having a similar problem to you. I had never cried in therapy and I avoided eye contact or taking in any kind of physical contact or obvious caring from my T because it would trigger the younger parts too much. So I actually got out a notebook and asked who inside was objecting to those things and why. It's important when you do that work to do it from a place of being open and accepting of the protector parts. If you are too frustrated with them, it means you're not coming from a place of Self and they will not trust you or open up to you. But if you can just bring some curiosity you might find yourself having a conversation with different parts that try to prevent your inner child from coming out in therapy, and if you give them enough understanding, you might be able to negotiate with them to try letting something different happen in the future. I found that one of my own protector parts had a list of demands for my T on how she should behave to keep the littler parts safe. After hearing them, I went in and read them to her and she agreed to all of them. Amazingly, the next session I went in and cried and was able to open up to her more than I ever had before, so it definitely made a difference.
Another point here is that while it is good that our younger parts can feel safe to come out in therapy sessions, from an IFS perspective, the real Other that your inner child needs to develop a good relationship with is your own Self. So if she is already speaking to you in the middle of the night, you can listen and respond compassionately to her at that time. She needs to feel that there is a caring adult listening, and guess what, you already are that caring adult! If you don't know what to say back to her, maybe try thinking how your T would respond and do that. You can just listen and empathize, or give her a hug if she needs it, or let her know that she can leave the past and be safe in the present with you. Use some intuition and I think you'll find you know how to do it.
Best of luck and thanks for posting this very interesting topic!
I have a lot of thoughts on this, which are going to be informed by my experiences learning about Internal Family Systems therapy, which mostly I have read about online and which I've been applying myself with a lot of good results.
The theory behind IFS is that everyone has "parts" (this is normal and not unhealthy) and it puts parts into three classifications. The first is Self, which is kind of your core self- the part of you that is most wise, compassionate, calm, brave, etc. The second are exiles, which are the young and vulnerable parts, of which the inner child you are talking about would be one. The third class are protector parts, whose purpose is to protect the exiles, either from getting triggered at the wrong time or else from getting hurt any further. Protectors have a whole plethora of strategies they can use for this purpose, from being very intellectual or competent, to dissociation, all the way to using eating or drugs as a way to numb.
From what you write, I am guessing that you have protector parts which aren't comfortable letting your inner child out in the presence of other people. The first step then would be to find and work with those parts. I have had to do the same thing for myself in therapy because I was having a similar problem to you. I had never cried in therapy and I avoided eye contact or taking in any kind of physical contact or obvious caring from my T because it would trigger the younger parts too much. So I actually got out a notebook and asked who inside was objecting to those things and why. It's important when you do that work to do it from a place of being open and accepting of the protector parts. If you are too frustrated with them, it means you're not coming from a place of Self and they will not trust you or open up to you. But if you can just bring some curiosity you might find yourself having a conversation with different parts that try to prevent your inner child from coming out in therapy, and if you give them enough understanding, you might be able to negotiate with them to try letting something different happen in the future. I found that one of my own protector parts had a list of demands for my T on how she should behave to keep the littler parts safe. After hearing them, I went in and read them to her and she agreed to all of them. Amazingly, the next session I went in and cried and was able to open up to her more than I ever had before, so it definitely made a difference.
Another point here is that while it is good that our younger parts can feel safe to come out in therapy sessions, from an IFS perspective, the real Other that your inner child needs to develop a good relationship with is your own Self. So if she is already speaking to you in the middle of the night, you can listen and respond compassionately to her at that time. She needs to feel that there is a caring adult listening, and guess what, you already are that caring adult! If you don't know what to say back to her, maybe try thinking how your T would respond and do that. You can just listen and empathize, or give her a hug if she needs it, or let her know that she can leave the past and be safe in the present with you. Use some intuition and I think you'll find you know how to do it.
Best of luck and thanks for posting this very interesting topic!
((((MONTE))))
So nice to see you.
I too have had trouble with what you describe. I cried a lot at home by myself for at least a year and wanted so very much to share those feelings with my T. There were too many times when I just wanted to go into his office and cry and tell him how hurt I was or how scared I was or how overwhelmed I was but I just couldn't do it. I would leave frustrated and angry with myself and him. I was desperate to share those feelings with him. But it was as if I had two different relationships with him: the one at the office and the one at home.
The fact that they seemed to be two different relationships caught my eye and I couldn't help but wonder if that, in and of itself, was significant. That perhaps the relationship I had with him in the office was somehow the "real" relationship and the relationship I had with him at home was a relationship I had with someone else in the past or one I wanted with him now and couldn't have. Or perhaps, how I was with him in the office gave me important information about myself, just how scared I am to share my emotions with anyone.
We have kept chipping away at it just like you describe doing and it's gotten better. T's made changes and I've made changes. I've been able to access those feelings more in therapy though sometimes feel as if I'm jumping off the diving board with no water underneath and then I retreat again. As I have been able to share with him, however, the crying at home HAS diminished. It was extremely important for my healing to be able to do that with him.
And as BLT described, I discovered that I had a protector part that was beating up a young part (my dependency needs). Actually T told me that he was beating her up too. We both were. When I realized what was going on, T and I talked about it and we both have been kinder to my dependency needs so the protector part doesn't have to do as much work anymore. As things go, the kinder we are to my dependency needs, the more independent I am able to be: the dependency paradox.
I have two thoughts for you. My first thought is that perhaps your protector part is there for a reason and it's not that T isn't the right T for you. Maybe it's that he isn't acknowledging what your young part really needs from him and so maybe it ISN'T safe for her to come out. Maybe he's acknowledged and legitimized some of her needs, like the physical closeness. But maybe the breaks are really weighing on her mind? I am just throwing that out there as a possibility because I think if she felt safe to come out, she would. Something is holding her back, something that she is either angry or hurt about.
My second thought would not be to stop seeing your T but to see another one as an adjunct for a while. This might help you discover what it is that is preventing her from coming out. Kind of like a third eye, someone who is objective and might be able to see something that you and T are missing.
It really is great to see you back. My only wish is you'd hang around longer.
So nice to see you.
I too have had trouble with what you describe. I cried a lot at home by myself for at least a year and wanted so very much to share those feelings with my T. There were too many times when I just wanted to go into his office and cry and tell him how hurt I was or how scared I was or how overwhelmed I was but I just couldn't do it. I would leave frustrated and angry with myself and him. I was desperate to share those feelings with him. But it was as if I had two different relationships with him: the one at the office and the one at home.
The fact that they seemed to be two different relationships caught my eye and I couldn't help but wonder if that, in and of itself, was significant. That perhaps the relationship I had with him in the office was somehow the "real" relationship and the relationship I had with him at home was a relationship I had with someone else in the past or one I wanted with him now and couldn't have. Or perhaps, how I was with him in the office gave me important information about myself, just how scared I am to share my emotions with anyone.
We have kept chipping away at it just like you describe doing and it's gotten better. T's made changes and I've made changes. I've been able to access those feelings more in therapy though sometimes feel as if I'm jumping off the diving board with no water underneath and then I retreat again. As I have been able to share with him, however, the crying at home HAS diminished. It was extremely important for my healing to be able to do that with him.
And as BLT described, I discovered that I had a protector part that was beating up a young part (my dependency needs). Actually T told me that he was beating her up too. We both were. When I realized what was going on, T and I talked about it and we both have been kinder to my dependency needs so the protector part doesn't have to do as much work anymore. As things go, the kinder we are to my dependency needs, the more independent I am able to be: the dependency paradox.
I have two thoughts for you. My first thought is that perhaps your protector part is there for a reason and it's not that T isn't the right T for you. Maybe it's that he isn't acknowledging what your young part really needs from him and so maybe it ISN'T safe for her to come out. Maybe he's acknowledged and legitimized some of her needs, like the physical closeness. But maybe the breaks are really weighing on her mind? I am just throwing that out there as a possibility because I think if she felt safe to come out, she would. Something is holding her back, something that she is either angry or hurt about.
My second thought would not be to stop seeing your T but to see another one as an adjunct for a while. This might help you discover what it is that is preventing her from coming out. Kind of like a third eye, someone who is objective and might be able to see something that you and T are missing.
It really is great to see you back. My only wish is you'd hang around longer.
Hi Monte,
My Ts can make my inner child stir too, with the right tone, or movement, or just the right energy in the room. It's definitely a strong feeling when 'she' is connected with. Sometimes I've thought it would be so much easier if my Ts could maintain specifically what it is that makes 'her' feel found and connected with. I am really connecting with your frustrations here and feel like I've had the same sort of experience.
If my Ts did whatever weird thing they do once in a blue moon that seems to speak right to her to get to her I don't know if she'd learn to come out on her own. It seems logical that well first she needs to be coaxed then she can be trained to come out like normal but I don't think it works that way. I think both you and your T need to be woo'ing whoever is protecting that little girl
Mutually you need to create together an environment of safety. For example, it's not safe for your inner child to come out when your T begs her to only to be left exposed and sent home with you (who I'm assuming she doesn't fully trust yet, either). I've noticed in work with my Ts that they can catch glimpses of my inner children and I knew early in working with my Ts that my little insides definitely liked them a lot but no one wants to come close enough to the surface because of ME. Because I'm not compassionate, I'm not safe, I'm mean, I hurt them, I belittle, degrade, reject and neglect them too.
What happens after session? What happens if T does something that is interpreted wrong or scary, what if 'she' gets really upset and even though we calm her she is upset later? What if she has separation anxiety? Do I repress her with my ED? Do I hurt her spirit calling her names? Or can I welcome and comfort and listen, or at least contain her in a safe enough way to make it to next time? I think if you want her to come out your T has woo'ed her, she's interested, you can feel her in there, feel that sometimes she is very comforted by your T... what is the major concern is just one showing isn't going to heal her or you.
That's how it has worked for me anyway, woo the gatekeepers, woo the caretakers so that the path to your T and back from your T is safe. There is only a finite amount of time to see T so somehow your inner child has to feel safe enough to come out, deal with what comes up, deal with the separation, deal with anticipate, deal with feelings of loss as she finds new comforts that she's been longing for, ETC. Are you safe enough for her to do these things with? That's sort of how I see it... the child can be woo'ed to break down the protector's barriers... a nice enough T saying the softest gentlest things that they can do sometimes that tugs on them... she can walk through all the protection you have to get what she desperately wants. But if there is nothing there to catch her if it doesn't go right, and especially when the connection has to be broken so adult you can go home and antonymous T can go his separate way... it's going to hurt. If there isn't a safe enough system to fall back in to it just isn't the right time to do the work and usually the child has to be worked w/ indirectly (via working w/ protectors to loosen the grip, caretakers to learn how to sooth her/yourself) - at least in my experience.
So... I guess... I think it's you that needs to do the woo'ing because outside of an hour or two a week you're all she has to keep her safe, comforted, etc. My T once lovingly told me, as I explained to her how bad I felt e-mailing her that... it really didn't take up much of her time at all but that I was the one stuck w/ me 24/7 so how bad could a little relief be
My Ts are in to self parenting, so maybe this doesn't apply or sounds insane but it's just my thoughts on it. It's good to hear from you again, Monte.
BG - What in holy heck. I wish my Ts could tear up... that would get me going, too. I am suspect they have a couple of times but I'm never looking at them, can't tell. Plus
history of taking care of busted, crying, parents... means I 'get' to miss out on many glimpses in to how my Ts may feel so I don't take care of them. I'm always so jealous when I hear that people get to see their T's compassionate side!! hehe I'm glad that that has helped you connect to your feelings, I think it would work well for me too, eventually maybe.. if ever my Ts feel it would be a good idea to be emotive (if they even are, or if I could handle it). HEheh my T has also asked if she could be invited to the sessions in my head - actually she's much meaner in my head than in real life. I should try your method!
My Ts can make my inner child stir too, with the right tone, or movement, or just the right energy in the room. It's definitely a strong feeling when 'she' is connected with. Sometimes I've thought it would be so much easier if my Ts could maintain specifically what it is that makes 'her' feel found and connected with. I am really connecting with your frustrations here and feel like I've had the same sort of experience.
If my Ts did whatever weird thing they do once in a blue moon that seems to speak right to her to get to her I don't know if she'd learn to come out on her own. It seems logical that well first she needs to be coaxed then she can be trained to come out like normal but I don't think it works that way. I think both you and your T need to be woo'ing whoever is protecting that little girl
Mutually you need to create together an environment of safety. For example, it's not safe for your inner child to come out when your T begs her to only to be left exposed and sent home with you (who I'm assuming she doesn't fully trust yet, either). I've noticed in work with my Ts that they can catch glimpses of my inner children and I knew early in working with my Ts that my little insides definitely liked them a lot but no one wants to come close enough to the surface because of ME. Because I'm not compassionate, I'm not safe, I'm mean, I hurt them, I belittle, degrade, reject and neglect them too.
What happens after session? What happens if T does something that is interpreted wrong or scary, what if 'she' gets really upset and even though we calm her she is upset later? What if she has separation anxiety? Do I repress her with my ED? Do I hurt her spirit calling her names? Or can I welcome and comfort and listen, or at least contain her in a safe enough way to make it to next time? I think if you want her to come out your T has woo'ed her, she's interested, you can feel her in there, feel that sometimes she is very comforted by your T... what is the major concern is just one showing isn't going to heal her or you.
That's how it has worked for me anyway, woo the gatekeepers, woo the caretakers so that the path to your T and back from your T is safe. There is only a finite amount of time to see T so somehow your inner child has to feel safe enough to come out, deal with what comes up, deal with the separation, deal with anticipate, deal with feelings of loss as she finds new comforts that she's been longing for, ETC. Are you safe enough for her to do these things with? That's sort of how I see it... the child can be woo'ed to break down the protector's barriers... a nice enough T saying the softest gentlest things that they can do sometimes that tugs on them... she can walk through all the protection you have to get what she desperately wants. But if there is nothing there to catch her if it doesn't go right, and especially when the connection has to be broken so adult you can go home and antonymous T can go his separate way... it's going to hurt. If there isn't a safe enough system to fall back in to it just isn't the right time to do the work and usually the child has to be worked w/ indirectly (via working w/ protectors to loosen the grip, caretakers to learn how to sooth her/yourself) - at least in my experience.
So... I guess... I think it's you that needs to do the woo'ing because outside of an hour or two a week you're all she has to keep her safe, comforted, etc. My T once lovingly told me, as I explained to her how bad I felt e-mailing her that... it really didn't take up much of her time at all but that I was the one stuck w/ me 24/7 so how bad could a little relief be
My Ts are in to self parenting, so maybe this doesn't apply or sounds insane but it's just my thoughts on it. It's good to hear from you again, Monte.
BG - What in holy heck. I wish my Ts could tear up... that would get me going, too. I am suspect they have a couple of times but I'm never looking at them, can't tell. Plus
history of taking care of busted, crying, parents... means I 'get' to miss out on many glimpses in to how my Ts may feel so I don't take care of them. I'm always so jealous when I hear that people get to see their T's compassionate side!! hehe I'm glad that that has helped you connect to your feelings, I think it would work well for me too, eventually maybe.. if ever my Ts feel it would be a good idea to be emotive (if they even are, or if I could handle it). HEheh my T has also asked if she could be invited to the sessions in my head - actually she's much meaner in my head than in real life. I should try your method!
Hi Monte... welcome back! 
It's good to see you posting again. I have missed your thought provoking and insightful posts. I would ask you not to delete these last posts because they are chock-full of great insights and comments on inner child therapy.
I'm not in a good place right now to write more on this topic but this thread has given me a lot of insight and information to bring to my T.
Thank you also to BG, Summer, BLT, Liese and Cat. You have also made wonderful points and offered great ideas on this subject. I have been really stuck lately and so much of what you all wrote really resonates with me.
Hopefully, after my session tomorrow I'll be better able to comment.
Monte, I do (selfishly) hope that you stick around for awhile.
Hugs
TN
It's good to see you posting again. I have missed your thought provoking and insightful posts. I would ask you not to delete these last posts because they are chock-full of great insights and comments on inner child therapy.
I'm not in a good place right now to write more on this topic but this thread has given me a lot of insight and information to bring to my T.
Thank you also to BG, Summer, BLT, Liese and Cat. You have also made wonderful points and offered great ideas on this subject. I have been really stuck lately and so much of what you all wrote really resonates with me.
Hopefully, after my session tomorrow I'll be better able to comment.
Monte, I do (selfishly) hope that you stick around for awhile.
Hugs
TN
Monte - it's so very good to see you again!
Can't help much with the inner child - I can recognise mine, well her behaviours, but my T and I really gave up trying to engage with her - the brick walls were/are just too high and we had to accept that sometimes some things are just not possible!! I'm okay with that and consider that acceptance a positive and pleased that pressure is off! Perhaps as we try other approaches, the little rascal might insist - who knows!!
This may not be helpful to you Monte and I'm not expressing this well at all (a chronic issue) but I really feel the need to say it's also okay to let her be as to let her out could be too overwhelming!!!
Be gentle with yourself! Morgs x
Can't help much with the inner child - I can recognise mine, well her behaviours, but my T and I really gave up trying to engage with her - the brick walls were/are just too high and we had to accept that sometimes some things are just not possible!! I'm okay with that and consider that acceptance a positive and pleased that pressure is off! Perhaps as we try other approaches, the little rascal might insist - who knows!!
This may not be helpful to you Monte and I'm not expressing this well at all (a chronic issue) but I really feel the need to say it's also okay to let her be as to let her out could be too overwhelming!!!
Be gentle with yourself! Morgs x
(((Monte))) Have missed you! Although it may be a bit different in my experience, I completely agree with those who suggest working with gatekeeper/protector parts to help that kid get out. That was a necessary first step for my case, identifying all the things they worried about regarding doing so. Sharing those fears with T was VERY hard (i.e. self-loathing over the needs AND the fears) and I was pretty luckily that those parts stepped up to do it directly, so I had somewhat limited exposure to saying "scary" things and waiting for T's reaction myself.
Also, yeah, totally agree with Cat about being a safe person to come home to. It does little good for the kid to come out, feel cared about and supported by T, then go home and if she has a rough time, having someone beat the crap out of her for being too needy or some such thing. I've found my littles come out more and more as I am able to consciously accept and be OK with who they are in the hours that I, rather than T, am their "caretaker," so-to-speak, or at least not undermining other internal caretakers. That sort of self-compassion, which I've heard Cat advise before, makes leaps and bounds when I am able to hold onto it.
For what it's worth, my "kids" don't want me either. They don't want me as the parent figure and they don't want to be me. They want that "other." T can be a strong, caring other on a limited basis and with certain boundaries, and they learn that there was nothing wrong with them that makes it impossible for others to connect with them in that sort of way. I've found one of the best things I have been able to do (to try to get them to accept adult parts as internal caregivers when those limitations make outside help impossible) is to share my feelings of what it is like to be Boo's mom and to kind of float the idea that those feelings and actions is what they should have had. They still don't really "want" me, but they feel safer existing "near" me, if that makes any sense. Sorry if this sounds a bit crazy!!!
Not sure if I can leave this up, because it makes me feel a bit nuts and I know it doesn't perfectly correspond.
Also, yeah, totally agree with Cat about being a safe person to come home to. It does little good for the kid to come out, feel cared about and supported by T, then go home and if she has a rough time, having someone beat the crap out of her for being too needy or some such thing. I've found my littles come out more and more as I am able to consciously accept and be OK with who they are in the hours that I, rather than T, am their "caretaker," so-to-speak, or at least not undermining other internal caretakers. That sort of self-compassion, which I've heard Cat advise before, makes leaps and bounds when I am able to hold onto it.
For what it's worth, my "kids" don't want me either. They don't want me as the parent figure and they don't want to be me. They want that "other." T can be a strong, caring other on a limited basis and with certain boundaries, and they learn that there was nothing wrong with them that makes it impossible for others to connect with them in that sort of way. I've found one of the best things I have been able to do (to try to get them to accept adult parts as internal caregivers when those limitations make outside help impossible) is to share my feelings of what it is like to be Boo's mom and to kind of float the idea that those feelings and actions is what they should have had. They still don't really "want" me, but they feel safer existing "near" me, if that makes any sense. Sorry if this sounds a bit crazy!!!
Not sure if I can leave this up, because it makes me feel a bit nuts and I know it doesn't perfectly correspond.
Hey Monte, I'm sorry I don't have much to offer right now...but I just wanted to say that it's wonderful to see you! My T and I definitely work with my inner child (children, if I'm being completely honest). I think it's really important work, so it's wonderful that you're venturing into this with your T.
((((MONTE))))
That is a lovely story. My T and I don't do what you two did but sometimes we do work on a puzzle together and it has the effect of relaxing me. There's a lot to that right-brain stuff.
It sounds like great progress that you were able to maintain the connection with him during his break. I'm very happy for you.
That is a lovely story. My T and I don't do what you two did but sometimes we do work on a puzzle together and it has the effect of relaxing me. There's a lot to that right-brain stuff.
It sounds like great progress that you were able to maintain the connection with him during his break. I'm very happy for you.
Hi Monte...thanks for the update.
You have managed to accomplish something that has been difficult for me... that is sitting near your T and being able to have him touch your arm or shoulder while you are talking (doing therapy). My T shakes hands and will pat my shoulder when I'm LEAVING but I need/would like some contact during the session. I think managing this would be really helpful in allowing me to be less fearful of T. Right now I have a hard time tolerating his closeness even when I so badly want it. Very confusing.
Today I will try to either address this or address Little TN who was so sad after our last session because I would not allow her to get close to T. Fear was in the way. And so she ended up writing him a letter (in my non-dominant hand) which I scanned and emailed to T. He was very kind and understanding about all of this but I am still very fearful of seeing him in a half hour from now. I'm afraid I will get there and be SO anxious I won't be able to talk about anything meaningful. My T tells me that Little TN is controlling ME and she is the source of all that anxiety. I'm supposed to comfort her and talk to her and reassure her... but this is what I feel I need from T and I want him to do it all. Not gonna happen.
The other part that is so confusing is when he tells me that I'm not allowing Little TN in the room and he knows when she is there. Well... good for him because I have no freaking idea when she is there or not or how to "invite" her in with us. A good friend told me that she is the unfiltered part of me and I should just allow her to speak. I think the scary part comes in where if she gets too close to T then she will tell him things that I am not ready for him to know. Hmmmm.... that may be a new thread for me....I've already hijacked enough.
Thanks Monte for continuing this thread.
Hugs
TN
You have managed to accomplish something that has been difficult for me... that is sitting near your T and being able to have him touch your arm or shoulder while you are talking (doing therapy). My T shakes hands and will pat my shoulder when I'm LEAVING but I need/would like some contact during the session. I think managing this would be really helpful in allowing me to be less fearful of T. Right now I have a hard time tolerating his closeness even when I so badly want it. Very confusing.
Today I will try to either address this or address Little TN who was so sad after our last session because I would not allow her to get close to T. Fear was in the way. And so she ended up writing him a letter (in my non-dominant hand) which I scanned and emailed to T. He was very kind and understanding about all of this but I am still very fearful of seeing him in a half hour from now. I'm afraid I will get there and be SO anxious I won't be able to talk about anything meaningful. My T tells me that Little TN is controlling ME and she is the source of all that anxiety. I'm supposed to comfort her and talk to her and reassure her... but this is what I feel I need from T and I want him to do it all. Not gonna happen.
The other part that is so confusing is when he tells me that I'm not allowing Little TN in the room and he knows when she is there. Well... good for him because I have no freaking idea when she is there or not or how to "invite" her in with us. A good friend told me that she is the unfiltered part of me and I should just allow her to speak. I think the scary part comes in where if she gets too close to T then she will tell him things that I am not ready for him to know. Hmmmm.... that may be a new thread for me....I've already hijacked enough.
Thanks Monte for continuing this thread.
Hugs
TN