((((Monte))))) I'm so sorry to hear this. Many positive and healing thoughts and prayers.

I am so very sorry Monte.


Reading what happened brought tears to my eyes.
You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Monte,

I can only imagine the phone call and that moment where time stood still. I'm glad the sentence didn't end in the way you feared.

(((Monte)))

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the shock and sadness you must be feeling after receiving such awful news.

Oh Monte, I'm so sorry to hear this. It is actually my worst fear. I am not big on praying but I will pray for your T because I have always had a soft spot for him. I think he's a wonderful person and I know how important he is to you.

And please know we are all here to support you while he is on the mend. Keep us posted with any more news you hear.


TN

Hugs to you (((Monte))) and he will be in my prayers (as will you) for a speedy recovery to full health.

((Monte))

I will be thinking of you and your T. I hope he recovers soon.

((((Monte))))) Lots of hugs toward you and tons of prayers for your T!!!

Maybe you could mail him a card?
It might bring him some comfort....

Monte... you could call the hospital and ask for information on his condition. In the U.S. they will only tell a non family member things like, fair, good, critical, excellent, etc. But at least that will give you a better idea of how he is doing.

Wait a week or so and then send him a card. I think it would be gracious and he would appreciate knowing that you care. Because... even though you are a patient... the relationship is real and he really does care about you.

Big hugs
TN

(((Monte))) Just to validate your feelings, I just recently had this conversation with T about one of the long-term things preventing me from being close. Like we didn't really "belong" to one another. We are so close, he's very important to me and I'm clearly important and special to him (I know all of his clients are, but we certainly do a lot more depth/intensive work, so I guess he probably knows me better than others). Anyway, I finally broke down and declared that it felt like if something bad happened, if one of us "lost" the other, we wouldn't even be allowed to grieve in normal ways. Like imagining myself locked out of an experience of sharing with others who care about him how much he has meant to my life. If T were ill, I think it would be the same feeling. Like, anyone else I was this close to, I would be visiting them in the hospital, sending cards or flowers, bringing meals to their family, doing SOMETHING, only because I care very deeply for them. But, because of the boundaries or even our perception of them or our concerns about how the other person might feel about such expressions of connection/care, we are sort of restricted (or maybe restrict ourselves) from normal expressions of our feelings and reactions to a very significant event. We feel not allowed to express ourselves, because of the boundaries, and respecting their needs (taking care of them, like we learned to protect our parents from our feelings, which were too heavy for them to bear for some reason). Then, we begin to imagine (or maybe need to do it, because it is so painful to feel strongly and not be able to express it) that the feelings themselves are wrong and bad. That we shouldn't feel scared or concerned or want to reach out and connect and be there for the person and let them know how much they mean to you. Anyway, this was a very long way of saying...

I understand you feeling it's right to give him distance and time to recouperate from this experience. However, please hold onto the TRUTH that your feelings over this happening are valid, understandable, normal. Your wanting to reach out (even if you can't let yourself do it) and connect with him, both for yourself and for him, because you care so deeply...those are 100% normal (beautiful and LOVELY) reactions to a deepening connection you have been fostering with him through this journey you have been taking together all these years and especially in recent months. It is scary and sad and confusing to not be able to let yourself express all that, to react instinctively as you would with anyone else in a similar situation. But the feelings themselves are good and the confusion over not expressing them is very normal and something I struggle with myself when I imagine the fact that I will someday have to deal with such scenarios.

More

((monte)) my jaw dropped... I'm so sorry.

I don't have any advice, I'll just send good thoughts your and T's way.

(((Monte))) sorry to hear about that and I can only imagine what you must be going through. Of course I will pray for your T.

I like the idea about a card. I can't see any harm in sending a card and flowers it will just help him to know how important he is not only to his family but also to his patients. Personally I don't see a reason to wait to send it, but that is just my opinion.

B2W

(((Monte and Monte's T)))

I can't imagine how scary getting that call must have been for you. I hope your T is OK. Even though you are a part of his work life and not personal life, the relationship is completely real and I would think your T would welcome a card.

((Monte))

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Sending thoughts your way and lots of prayers for your T.

Blu

(((Monte)))
Sending calming and healing wishes through the ether.

Best wishes for your T's quick recovery and s for you Monte!

((((MONTE))))

I am so very sorry. I'm praying it was a minor one, that he gets well quickly and is back before you know it.

((Monte)) So sorry to hear. I hope you are doing better. Lots of hugs to you and plenty of prayers for your T

((((Monte))))

(((Monte)))

Thank you for sharing how you are coping with such a very painful, difficult experience. I'm praying that it was minor and his recovery will be quick and complete.

It is also one of my greatest fears. I've even talked about the "what if" scenario with my P. Not directly about him, but in general, when something like this happens in therapy, or even the worst case scenario, how should a patient be told and what are they able to know. He said a colleague would call me into his office and tell me the news in person.

I asked because my exP was out sick for 6 weeks and i was told very little so I imagined the worst at times. Not able to receive updates, (mainly because those working with him were being very cryptic, which only made it worse) and not being able to express my feelings for him during that time was extremely difficult. I hope your T's office continues to update you. Also, keeping all of these feelings inside while going about a "normal" life is incredibly stressful as well.

I think you are coping very well and I loved the description of how you spent your appt. time. I found it very touching and moving, as it makes me realize our love for our Ts/Ps is so profound and it will remain with us always, no matter what happens.

can do nothing but offer hugs, hope, and prayers for both you and your t.

(((Monte)) and ((Monte's T)))

Monte... I think you have been handling things really well. Your T would be VERY proud of you. I read what you wrote about how you spent your day and it made me tear up but it was the perfect thing to do. You should share this with T when he gets back to work. I think he will go back unless his doctor forbids it. This is not work for your T, it's a calling.

I am very happy to hear he will be out in 5 days and also that he read your email. Those are very good signs that it was not too serious. I pray for his swift recovery and that you are together again soon. You have handled breaks before and I know you can do this. Lean on us if you need to. I am also pleased to hear that your dh has reacted so supportively to what happened. I know that helps too.

Thank you for the update and for sharing what you have with us. It has made me step back and really look at what I have with my T. He is very special to me and having a relationship with him is a valuable gift and I have realized now how precious it truly is.

Hugs to you
TN

Monte,
I saw your thread earlier today...glad to see your T is fine. Although he is not your family it is easy to understand how yourself or any of us would be concerned about our T's in the same circumstances.

's to you

Hi Monte,

Sorry to be so late to this but I was so sad to read about what had happened to T and can imagine how that left you feeling, but relieved to hear he is fine right now. I would (and did ) send a card to T in a similar circumstance, it took a bit of courage but I felt better and truer to myself for doing so.

Monte

starfishy

I'm glad you rang the hospital, I'd have done the same with my Ts.

How are you doing today?

(((MONTE)))

So brave of you to call. Way to go. Why do we have to feel so ashamed of caring so deeply for our T's? I'm glad he is doing "fine".

(((MONTE)))

Just wanted to send a

I am praying for your T's recovery and for peace and strenght for you. Hang in there.

Sending healing thoughts for your T and hugs for you.



Butterfly

We are definitely listening Monte.

I am so glad to hear that you have a gift and a card for T that you will take to his office next week. This is wonderful and I know your T will be very touched and happy. I also think it's therapeutic for you to do this.

I can understand how awful it is to be in this limbo place of not knowing what is really going on with T. I hope that his receptionist can tell you more about his condition and the plan to return to work. It very well could have been something mild and he will return soon and continue his practice. Maybe he will cut his hours a bit but maybe getting back to work will be good medicine for him too.

I did want to mention that you will never be without him, Monte. He lives within you and you carry so much of him all the time. You have a rich and long history together and have made many memories. You are forever part of each other's life. I am certain you will see him again soon. I just feel that. But I understand the points you raise about having to be on the outside, not because you are less important to him than his friends, but because of the therapeutic boundaries. You ARE very important to him and I'm sure he does think of you and wondering how you are handling this news. I think you do underestimate how much a part of him YOU are.

I hope you can get some more info next week that allays some of your fears and that you are able to see T again very soon.

Hugs
TN

Monte, I hope you can drop it off with his receptionist, it may help to see her/the office - I agree with TN very therapeutic.

This whole situation was so sudden... so I can understand you'd be feeling just... so much right now. I am still sending hope and love out there for him and you. It's okay to go through waves of all you feel - including pessimism... and optimism (though I understand it would be super hard), too.

I agree with TN you are still part of eachother... I just really don't know what else to say, like I said just sending lots of love out.

((((MONTE))))

So glad to hear the news that T's heart attack wasn't as serious as it could have been. I'm glad you dropped off the gift, that the receptionist was warm and friendly and you were able to talk to her a bit.

quote:

I feel a deep level of caring for him that I have never felt before and it is because I have never before known him to be 'needy' and now I do, even though indirectly. By that I mean I now have a knowledge that he is needy in terms of care needed due to illness.

Monte, I think this is a beautiful thing. I have been struggling with thoughts and feelings in this area because I want to care about my T in the way you describe. I really struggled when my T presented to me as a super strong human being without any needs of his own. Not that I would want a needy T. But I do want a human being for a therapist.

I'm starting to see that when he presented himself that way to me, it only exacerbated my feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness and NEEDINESS. That might be my object relations stuff getting activated but that's what happened. And in order for me to feel good about myself, I have to see myself as a caring human being able not only to receive care but to give care too. I don't care what the textbooks say about it all. That's how I am made.

I think it's good to see your T as having needs. I don't think it's healthy to be allowed to remain in a relationship for an indefinite period of time only being the "receiver". That set-up only serves to heighten the longings and the neediness. The longings only hang around because there is a promise hanging out there of getting them fulfilled. If we knew absolutely that we would not be able to get a particular need met, we could in fact grieve it and move on. But I suppose we have to be ready to deal with the pain of acceptance for as long as there is hope, we get to avoid the pain of loss.

quote:

It has - for the moment - replaced the deep sense of of need he usually evokes in me and it is a good, nice feeling...but not conducive to good therapy, right? This is why you can’t know about their life...they are human and so are you and things happen to them and you will respond and it will affect what you do or how much you are prepared to reveal of yourself and your needs in your therapy.

Is feeling a deep sense of need a sign of good therapy? I'm not saying that your T is giving you bad therapy. I'm questioning the IDEA that a deep sense of need is good therapy. That being in a dependent, powerless state is good therapy. That could be part of your object relations setup. The longings, the neediness - those are just feelings. They don't have to be reality. It's what he evokes in you now. But hopefully not what he will always evoke in you.

When we were little and naive, we had a sense of emotional trust alongside with the dependency and in order to get back to those feelings of emotional trust and spontaneity, we have to, unfortunately, experience that dependency again. I don't think it's the dependency and neediness and longing that is the desired state. It's those feelings of trust and wonder. Unfortunately, the last time we experienced them is when we were little AND dependent. The point of therapy is for you to be able to experience the wonderful feelings of being you, the chid who wanted to attach to people, who wanted to trust and enjoy the best that relationships have to offer - in a situation where you won't get hurt and the other won't take advantage of or be insensitive to your dependency - or if they do, we will now have the power to assert ourselves in a healthy way. And then you will learn that the dependency doesn't hurt so much and doesn't trigger the neediness. And when it does hurt, you will know that you need to take a second look at that particular relationship or part of that relationship.

Okay, I just pontificated for way too long here and I don't know if I'm making any sense. I think it's lovely that you see your T as being needy. I only wish he could allow himself to be cared about but it's my sense that he's one of those strong, silent types.

(((Monte)))

I can very much relate to how seeing your T's own human need, even indirectly, can be such a powerful connector. While my T is sick, I feel mostly pretty well-contained and also just deeply connected to him in a way that isn't full of the terror of my own needs. My T asked me the other day for a recipe of the chili I had brought him some leftovers of about a month ago (which he loved) and he made it for himself and others staying at his home. The best I could do was imagine it was like me doing something for him while he is not feeling well, like I made something for him by typing out the recipe I invented for him. And, despite it usually being very crisis-generating, it has felt good and connected to leave early my last few sessions, because it feels like I can give him something. So, I can totally relate to that need to take it easy with him when he returns. But, please do remember that trusting him to be vulnerable, to share that little kid with him, is the biggest gift you could ever give. I'd bet he wouldn't want her left out in the cold, just so you can tend to him.

I'm sure he'll be excited when he finds your gift and I'll be he knows in his heart already how much you are thinking of and praying for him. I don't think you can do the sort of work you do together without him truly knowing who you are and what's in your heart for him. I bet he feels the warmth of your tender feelings from home as he recuperates.