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Aww Monte,
You made my heart so heavy in all the things that I recognize here, but I'm glad you are sharing and I'm glad that reading it makes me feel less alone, even though it is so hard.
I am trying to get my head around things, too.
My T doesn't say things like this, and I feel that he doesn't understand or validate or handle it very well, often. I am glad yours does.
I guess this is a harsh reality, or maybe not so harsh? How does it feel to realize this? Does it make you feel more clear? I would like to think that while it might be futile, it might not have to be demoralizing...but no proof of that from my end.
A few months ago I realized that no matter what I do or how many strategies or ploys I try, I can't make someone want me. I can't make T or my parents or anyone want me. It was hard to realize but I felt more clear afterwards...for a while anyway. It sounds terrible, though. Still not sure how it is not a terrible truth. I also flail, stumble, and switch my mind and my heart pretty often these days.
Yesterday I got a clear moment or two by thinking that if I realize that whatever convoluted problems and uncertainties and embarrassments and miscommunications and weaknesses there are, if I try to think that any T is really primarily just trying to help me, that makes it simpler. For a bit anyway, but then I get confused about why people want to help that way and what it means.
I tried to think of it a bit like my job of teaching, but I didn't get too far with the parallels. I think that the core reason I like to teach is because I like to learn. Helping people is just built in, and I like that too, but not sure how that translates to what therapists try to do for us and with us.
In Solidarity,
Quell
You made my heart so heavy in all the things that I recognize here, but I'm glad you are sharing and I'm glad that reading it makes me feel less alone, even though it is so hard.
I am trying to get my head around things, too.
quote:T says the absence of love and nurture in childhood is about the deepest wound a person can endure. He understands my pain, he validates it and handles it so gently.
My T doesn't say things like this, and I feel that he doesn't understand or validate or handle it very well, often. I am glad yours does.
quote:...no matter what he or anyone offers, it will never be enough and to keep clawing at him for that longed for ‘enough’ is futile and demoralizing
I guess this is a harsh reality, or maybe not so harsh? How does it feel to realize this? Does it make you feel more clear? I would like to think that while it might be futile, it might not have to be demoralizing...but no proof of that from my end.
A few months ago I realized that no matter what I do or how many strategies or ploys I try, I can't make someone want me. I can't make T or my parents or anyone want me. It was hard to realize but I felt more clear afterwards...for a while anyway. It sounds terrible, though. Still not sure how it is not a terrible truth. I also flail, stumble, and switch my mind and my heart pretty often these days.
Yesterday I got a clear moment or two by thinking that if I realize that whatever convoluted problems and uncertainties and embarrassments and miscommunications and weaknesses there are, if I try to think that any T is really primarily just trying to help me, that makes it simpler. For a bit anyway, but then I get confused about why people want to help that way and what it means.
I tried to think of it a bit like my job of teaching, but I didn't get too far with the parallels. I think that the core reason I like to teach is because I like to learn. Helping people is just built in, and I like that too, but not sure how that translates to what therapists try to do for us and with us.
In Solidarity,
Quell
(((monte)))
Don't think I've spoken with you yet, and wanted to say hi. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you are facing
It truly is a profoundly painful experience to feel that childhood pain emerge.
Especially during the breaks from T is that felt with an intensity difficult to describe. And this time of year really does put extra emphasis on those deep losses.
I saw a commercial last night which portrayed the idealized family at Christmas, full of all the emotional connection and magical experience that one could possibly dream of. Those sorts of standards society sets really adds to painful contrast of a family who drastically falls short of anything resembling love. I found myself crying in under 2 minutes, at a stupid commercial
Although this process of realization is excruciating, it sounds your T is being a wonderfully steady influence, and that is a beautiful thing. Also you have some very clear insights and making a great deal of progress. I hope your T will keep helping you through this, and I'm really sorry for how tough it is
Don't think I've spoken with you yet, and wanted to say hi. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you are facing
It truly is a profoundly painful experience to feel that childhood pain emerge. Especially during the breaks from T is that felt with an intensity difficult to describe. And this time of year really does put extra emphasis on those deep losses.
I saw a commercial last night which portrayed the idealized family at Christmas, full of all the emotional connection and magical experience that one could possibly dream of. Those sorts of standards society sets really adds to painful contrast of a family who drastically falls short of anything resembling love. I found myself crying in under 2 minutes, at a stupid commercial
Although this process of realization is excruciating, it sounds your T is being a wonderfully steady influence, and that is a beautiful thing. Also you have some very clear insights and making a great deal of progress. I hope your T will keep helping you through this, and I'm really sorry for how tough it is
((((MONTE))))
I am so very happy for you.
quote:Recently I have been able to step back a little and see the profound beauty of what T is giving me as we journey on. In some ways it is not too different from what I have always wanted, but is packaged differently.
He is very steady and unchanging and I can see my progress. The pain is certainly not less, but it feels more and more like pain with a purpose and I know he will continue with me until we reach a place of resolution. I never thought there would be a way out of the mess, but I see now there is.
I am so very happy for you.
quote:It is painful but not unbearable to be facing the reality of what he can offer me. For a long time I have been beating my chest in grief about what he can't be, while he has been saying 'well what about what I CAN be?' In finally recognizing and accepting what he can and can't be - rather than fighting it - I think I will be better able to 'utilize' him. Clearly the time has come to grieve what he can never be and this scares me, but the act of doing it within his genuine care and compassion is almost...fulfilling.
Recently I have been able to step back a little and see the profound beauty of what T is giving me as we journey on. In some ways it is not too different from what I have always wanted, but is packaged differently.
Monte... there was so much of what you wrote that resonated with me that I had a hard time narrowing down what I wanted to quote. I think what I quoted above really touched me in relation to my own T and you put it (as usual) so beautifully into the written word.
I, too, have been kicking and screaming and fearful and anxious and gnashing my teeth about what T cannot give me and what I cannot go back and have. My T has been patiently trying to show me over a long period of time what he CAN give me, what he can BE to me in order to help me heal, if I can just sit still long enough to recognize it and accept it. He wants me to take it from him and he tells me it's a gift freely given ... yet I am cautious. I am just beginning to feel what it is that he offers and it feels soothing, calming and wonderful.
If I can grieve and heal then there is no one I would rather do it with than my T and in doing so we become closer and more meaningful to each other. Our bond becomes stronger. The experience we share is unique to us and creates a special history that we share. I have only circled the edge of this so far but the feeling begins to fill up the bottomless emptiness inside.
I love the way you talk about T giving you something profoundly beautiful and what you have wanted for so long but it is packaged differently. Such a perfect description. And your ability to see this now is such a testament to your growth and the wonderful work you have been doing with your T. You are a wonderful therapeutic dyad. You just fit together so well. I feel that way about my T. We are a very good match for each other. I could not do this work with a T who was not strong, intelligent and endlessly patient.
Thank you so much for checking in and letting us know where you are in your therapy journey. I wish you well on this break and hope the time passes smoothly for you. Let us know how you are doing from time to time.
All the best
TN