So after I met with Alice this week, although it was a good discussion, I felt bad about it the next day. I kept replaying scenes in my head. So eventually I tried to figure out what kind of bad I felt, like just guilty, or sad, or what? I called her and left a message about scheduling, and I also told her that I felt like 4 different kinds of bad about our meeting. I said that I figured she was OK due to being in the self and all, but that if she did feel bad, then I was sorry.

Then later I met with Jack. One of the things that came up, since I hadn't seen him in two months, was how things were going with Alice. So I told him just a bit about it and then started crying. I cry a lot sometimes. Definitely like three times each session this week, so that's at least 15 times this week. I told him that I felt bad about what happened with Alice because I felt like I pushed her and it was just that the scenes that I kept seeing of her in my head...I couldn't quite identify what it was that made me feel so bad. Then I kind of figured out somehow that what I remembered was her looking away almost, like she was looking inside herself or something, and she was thrown, and I think it kept coming back to me because she almost looked a bit vulnerable. And I caused that. And then I realized that having that image of what she looked like when she wasn't really with me for a minute, because she was tending to herself, then that meant that all the other times when she didn't look like that, she was really with me. Not sure if that is exactly logical, BUT, that idea totally broke me down. Because I was like, what if people are really with me all the time, and there for me, and tuned in to me, or care about me, and so on, and I am just unable to see it? So that idea really killed me and I just bawled and bawled. Jack asked me to finish what I was saying about it and I finally said I think I just can't talk about it right now. It was too big of a thing. I was hyperventilating and breathing hard, which happens to me sometimes when I am very emotional. It just felt so big.

So after my meeting with Jack--I'll skip the details about him for now--Alice called me back. I was only about halfway down the street from his office when she called, so I pulled over. She told me that she was really sorry to hear that I felt bad and asked me why. I told her that I felt like I pushed her and surprised her. She said, You did push me and surprise me. But she also said that she was very glad that I did, and then she added some stuff about how she thinks it is better to do that than to just go home after sessions saying "that sucked." So I talked a bit about what happened with us and told her my theory about maybe I just don't know how to see and feel when someone really is tuned in to me or feeling emotions with me and so on. So she said something pertinent about parts there that I don't remember, but she generally agreed.

So she asked me about the aedp therapists that I had seen and what that was like, so I told her about the first one who was hesitant to take me on as a client and I told her that I showed her the pinata cartoon, and at that point Alice said "I love that cartoon." I know, how nice is that? Aww, Alice.

So after the rundown on aedp--I kept it brief!--I wanted to let her go. I felt better, and I don't usually talk to therapists on the phone like that. But then she told me something about working with me. She said that my honesty has made her feel called on to reflect on her pracice and to think about things and see some things differently. I said, Wow, and then added, That's what Jack told me, too. So she said, Well, then I don't want to say that then...kind of kidding me because I am always not wanting her to be like Jack. So I told her that when Jack told me how important I was and that he learned so much from me I asked him if he had any specific examples of what I made him think about or what he learned. (Right? Because the generalities sound good, but without any details I just don't feel anything almost. I mean I know it is good stuff that they are saying, but it doesn't seem that real to me. I don't know what to do with it.) So she says immediately, Well, I have some examples for you. And then she tells me that she looked up aedp and read up about it and that she also talked to her friend who does aedp. Yeah, like she did that within 24 hours! She told me that one of the things her friend told her is that in aedp, when a therapist feels moved by a client, they tell the client. That was her example, and it was to answer what I had asked her about how I am supposed to know when she is having feelings with me.
Gosh, see what I mean? I mean, how great is that to hear all this from her? Really nice. So I hung up feeling good.