ok, this was a bad idea- now I'm just getting really sleepy. How will I talk! heeeeelp!

Frost-nope not uncaring. I like the idea. however, the dreaded effects of my impending session are definitely counteracting the scotch- so I should be fine. I feel like my normal, depressive self again. I don't think I'll be surpriising my T with comments like "let's party, dude" this morning after all.

ok, make that that I'm a person that alcohol has very little effect on initially, and then which plunges me into an inescapable pit of despair where the reality that my T doesn't care about me is disturbingly clear.

I've never been so angry with my T in person- or had him so completely disgusted with me in person. I don't care. All I do is pay him- he doesn't give a *** about me.

((((((BB)))))) Share, if and when you can. We are here for you and certainly not disgusted.

Oh Beebs. ((((((((BB))))))))

Let us know what happened, eh? We are your friends, and we're here for you.

Love,
Jones

(((blackbird)))
I'm sorry you are hurting. Thinking of you and hoping you will post when you are ready.
seablue

((((((((Beebs))))))))

I love you. Very much. I think you are an incredible loving, compassionate, tender and insightful woman whom I am proud to count as my friend. I am also very scared and concerned for you right now.

I think you are in a tremendous amount of pain that your T is failing to hear so you are escalating your behavior in the hope that if you turn up the volume high enough, he'll finally hear. What scares is, what if he doesn't? How far will you have to go?

Beebs, take this for what its worth, my opinion, and not nearly as good as your own feelings about the situation, but I am concerned that as deeply as you care for your T and as attached as you are to him, that it's not working. He's not getting it either because he's not understanding the nature of attachment problems OR he's in another country and there are limitations to what can be conveyed over Skype. The level of pain you need to be in to decide to attend a therapy session drunk seems to me to be pretty high (I totally understand what you did mind you, was very tempted at times myself. I remember once telling my first T that I was really happy I no longer knew where to find any pot because otherwise I would be spending a lot of timed stoned.).

I want you to be heard Beebs, I want you to get the help and care that you deserve. I worry if you are not heard, where will you go next to try and shout louder? I really think it would be good to look for a therapist nearby, at least until you can achieve some stability.

Please hear me that this isn't about my thinking that there is something wrong with you, nor am I in any way disgusted or put off by what you did. I'm just trying to hear what you were trying to say.

We're here for you.

love,

AG

Beebs so sorry to hear of your struggle in so many areas. From what I understand, alcohol is a depressant and so feeling down and sad is probably to be expected. And probably not a good thing to do before therapy which can be stressful and depressing on it's own at times.

Please know that you have good friends here who care about you and will not judge you for anything that you do. We are here to listen so I hope you will find the strength to come back and share your burdens with us.

Many hugs
TN

quote:

I love you. Very much. I think you are an incredible loving, compassionate, tender and insightful woman whom I am proud to count as my friend. I am also very scared and concerned for you right now.

I think you are in a tremendous amount of pain that your T is failing to hear so you are escalating your behavior in the hope that if you turn up the volume high enough, he'll finally hear. What scares is, what if he doesn't? How far will you have to go?

Beebs, I cross-posted with wise AG and I want to say that I agree a thousand percent with what she wrote.

((((((Beebs))))))))

TN

(((((BB)))))

To go from a bad experience with your SD and then to this bad experience with your T… I’m so sorry.

One of the few times I have had enough to drink that I could say I was buzzed or drunk was before going to a therapy session with my old T. Our relationship wasn’t going well at the time and I thought the only way I could get through it was with the alcohol to take the edge off. When I showed up for the therapy session, I cried and my T could smell the alcohol and walked me back home. It was very kind of her to do that (and helpful that I only lived a few blocks away from her office). She knew that really she couldn't help me when I was like that. Once I was more ok, I realized she couldn't help me in the way I needed in general.

The fact that you are so anxious about this relationship with your T that you are resorting to drinking to try and get through it - I think that is a big sign things are not ok in the relationship. It sounds like you are really hurting and desperate for anything to help?

When you are ready I hope you post more about what happened (if that is helpful for you) and how you are doing.

Take care of you sweetie.

Lots of hugs,
jane

I just want to utterly endorse what AG is saying here. And TN and JD too. Smart ladies, putting words to what I don;t have words for.

Love,
Jones

((((((((((((Beebers))))))))))))

Can I just say, what everyone else said. AG said it especially eloquently. We love you and are here for you. Hate SO MUCH to see you in this much pain, feathery pal. Your song deserves to be heard.




Here is a link to a different rendition of this song...I like the artwork that goes along with it...and this song always makes me think of you...because it is beautiful and gentle...just like you

Blackbird song

Much love,
SG

(((((((BB))))))) So sorry you are in so much pain. We are here when you are ready to share.

Butterfly

aw Beebs, I am sorry you are hurting. I know sometimes lately I've been wanting to drink and just escape, but i always pay the price the next day when I rebound with depression as alcohol is a depressant.

Are there some other things you can do that help you unwind, other than the scotch or alcohol?

I'm so sorry Beebs I only just read this thread now (initially thought is was a 'fun' thread so left it to read till later). I hope your session went ok alcoholic despair and depression notwithstanding. And I really hope you don't have a hangover!

Sending you lots of good wishes and hoping that you got through the session ok.

LL

Thanks you guys. Thanks SG for the lovely song and blackbird picture. It made me cry. So did Ag's post.

I'm sorry I can't respond to all of you individually my head is to mushy. I just wanted to wrap my head around some of this. I don't know why I did what I did. I guess I was thinking if I could relax enough I might be able to open up and show my T the real things that are bothering me about him, which is just incredibly scary to do. My T was not understanding. It was a big mistake. He said a lot of things that really bothered me, and I let him see how angry it made me- which he did not appreciate. Mind you- I know he is right, or at least I know he says he is right and I am wrong- but I am just not able to be all professional about the relationship, a great deal of the time, I just do not *understand* the relationship- that is my problem, and it doesn't seem like he is able to deal with that or accept it, or explain it, or accept *me* in all my needy clingyness without getting disgusted and shoving me away. But I'm very confused. I know you are all saying for gosh sakes, get a new therapist already- but I just can't. I really really can't, because I don't know what the truth here is. Is it me, or is it him. I simply can't figure out if I am projecting, or if I'm taking things out of context.

(((((((((((BB))))))))))) Have been out all day. I'm sorry today is such a struggle and that things with both SD and T are tough right now. I don't have much to offer beyond what everyone else has said. You are a lovely, caring person and it is a blessing to know you. Thinking of and praying for you!!! Wish I could be with you in person right now, but I am there in spirit!

(((((((BB))))))))))

(((BB)))

I'm sorry it feels so bad and like you have no choices. I hate that feeling.

Di

Hi gentle Beebers,

I realize it is too soon for anything remotely resembling advice...but something occurred to me as I was reading what you said here, and I just wanted to put it out there while I am thinking of it:

quote:

Originally posted by Beebs:
I know you are all saying for gosh sakes, get a new therapist already- but I just can't. I really really can't, because I don't know what the truth here is. Is it me, or is it him. I simply can't figure out if I am projecting, or if I'm taking things out of context.

To be honest, I wasn't thinking "get a new T" just yet. However...when you said you just can't, because you don't know what the truth is...is it you or him...are you projecting or taking things out of context...that made me realize something.

I know there are a whole lot of differences in our therapy experiences...but the one similarity I can see is that feeling of being stuck...I have been there with T's, twice. So painful and frustrating, and that overwhelming and crushing feeling that I just KNOW it's my fault. Like in my bones. Feeling like such a failure.

And I just wanted to say, the clarity came (eventually) after trying other therapists, never before. All I knew at the time is that we were stuck...I wasn't sure at all if I should leave...as you know, the first one I was eventually terminated, but I still considered leaving many times before that...and the second one I made the decision to leave. But not even remotely sure, both times. Just knew we were stuck, so eventually I had to decide to keep suffering the pain of being stuck, or...try moving in a different direction...as unnatural and as unsure...and as profoundly awful...as it felt at the time.

That's all I wanted to say...if and when you are ready to consider trying another T...and I'm not trying to rush you in that direction at all...I just wanted to say, in my experience, it was the being stuck that drove me to try another T...and then, comparing the similarities and differences in both situations, is what brought some clarity. And even some healing.

Love you Beebers

SG

(((Beebs)))

I'm sorry that I'm just now seeing this. I understand the place you were in when you chose to drink. I get it. I'm sorry the session didn't go well and you are left with so much questioning. I totally agree with what AG, TN, JD and others have said here. I hope that you can find some clarity and some rest and some peace about this situation soon.

Thinking of you and sending many warm and gentle hugs your way.

I just want to offer you endless hugs and warm thoughts.

(((((((Beebs)))))))

Thinking of you Bebe. (((((((((Be))))))))

(((((blackbird)))))

((((((((((((BB))))))))))))))) Sending thoughts and prayers as well.

(((((((((((feathery one))))))))))))))

starfish

((((BB)))) just thinking of you and praying for you. ~ jd

Beebs, would you let us know if you are ok? And if there is any way we can help....

We are here to support you.

Love,
Jones

Hey dear ((Beebs)) I've come out of lurkdom to send you love and hugs and care Please let us all know how you're going - you so matter to us
xo Morgs

(((((((((BB)))))))))) Yeah, even just a word to know how you're doing. Thinking of you!

I'm so sorry if I worried anyone. I have not been able to post at all until last night, but I will try today if I am able. I'm ok, feeling better, but scared of reactions I will get from posting what I've been through, as my confusion runs very deep, and the slightest suggestion one way or the other will spin me out right now. So, that is hard, because this is a forum for support where people care. And also I'm scared because I can't post on other threads and now I looked at some titles and it looks like much is happening and many people are having a hard time no doubt, and I have nothing at all to offer- ans so that feels bad. and I've been just staying away from the forum altogether to avoid complete overload. I'm so sorry to worry anyone, I often don't realize things like that until it is too late.

hugs,

BB

((((BB)))) I'm sorry you are feeling so scared and uneasy and going trhough a lot too. we know you care and I go through tough times where there just isn't anything left to give to others and times where it is too hard to come to the forum at all. just do what helps you. no pressure to post or anything. take all the space you need and know we are here too. hugs, jane

BB - Never feel like you owe anyone here anything or you have to give in order to receive. Just hearing from you is so good. Whenever you feel like you can, and want to, talk, we'll be here to listen, without judgment (and even sans advice, if just support is what you need right now). (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

(((blackbird)))
Please be gentle with yourself....you deserve kindness. I know it is understood here that people offer what they can when they can. I also understand the guilt that comes up when we feel depleted and unable to support others. But blackbird...you have offered so much to this forum and to me individually and I know everyone here only wants to lessen your pain. There are reasons that everyone loves you here. It is your turn.
Thinking of you....please post if and when you can...
seablue