((((YAKU)))

Been really noticing your absence and so glad you let us know what has been going on for you although I'm sorry to hear why, that you've been feeling triggered.

I hope things get better for you soon and you will be able to come back.

xoxo

Liese

aw, I've been missing you. (you are not a post whore... ) hope you take good care of you, and we are here when you feel ok to post again... so sorry you have felt triggered, but glad you are doing what you need to take care of you.

hugs to you,
~ jane

Yaku, definitely not a post-whore! I myself might not be posting as much as usual, but I still read the forum and I miss your insightful and interesting posts very much. I hope that what’s triggering you will subside and you’ll be back again soon.

((((( Yaku ))))))

LL

Missing you yaksy, look after yourself please and come back when you can.

starfishy

Look after yourself, Yaku...hope you will be feeling better soon...and, you are definitely not a post whore, (whatever that is!)

Love,

Beebs

Thanks everyone. I'm still reading. I find myself without words to share, but still lots of feelings for you all. I'm doing OK, riding the therapy roller coaster of being nearly sure I was about to blow up the T-relationship, but we survived it due to my T's insistence on being his safe, steady and caring self.

I've hit kind of a stall where I am having to learn to sit with (i.e. actually experiencing some very yucky dissociated stuff), not push to process what I'm encountering. My inclination is always to do the work, to push to move as fast as possible. So, to just be present in this stuff without either pushing it away or trying to power through it is very difficult for me. To witness it, to be in it, to let my T be together with me in it...it is taking so much from me right now.

I've noticed (and it has been pointed out to me by others here before, but I am a little slow!) that my tendency when posting is to either: 1) process intellectually and move through what is coming up without really connecting to it (with my T) in the way I need to for it to be internalized; 2) have fits of denial in reaction to sharing "true" feelings, and suddenly become nearly convinced I am making things up and everyone else sees me as a liar or a lunatic. Neither of these things are something I can afford with what I'm working on right now, because it seems to reboot the process of "touching" or integrating the material. And, it's been really hard...this stuff...it's not something I want to be doing over and over again, any more than I have to.

So, really, thanks a lot, all of you, for being so understanding of my absence. I want to be here more than I am. I could really use, more than anything, good thoughts and prayers and hugs and such, because it is so slow and difficult right now, like I'm climbing a mountain and I can't see any spot to stop and rest any time soon. But, I really struggle being here just to receive support and advice when I don't have anything to offer you all, except my care. Love and (((hugs))) to you all.

Yaku here's some hugs for you

and you have my good thoughts as a given and well though I'm not really religious, I'll throw out a few prayers for you as well, God is big enough to listen to non-believers prayers too.

Yaku I'm reading what you wrote and it makes me wonder whether you're not posting so much because you're feeling a bit criticized about how you post (the either/or swing you mentioned)? Ignore this if I'm off the wall, I just really miss reading your story and how you're dealing with the stuff coming up for you (from which I learn a lot!) If your reasons are because posting now would just make everything infintely harder and worse for you, then I totally understand. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I for one don't see anything negative in your posts and would love it if you could keep telling your story.

Best wishes to you for what you're going through now. (((((( Yaku ))))))

LL

((((YAKU))))

Always sending hugs and prayers. And FWIW, I do the same thing that you do as far as thinking that people think I'm making things up or am a complete lunatic. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Because I'm starting to believe myself. And that's the most secure place I've ever been in my entire life. I don't know if it's right or if it's wrong or if my mother would approve (probably not) but it feels good and it feels safe and I'm going with it. I don't know how to protect myself otherwise.

Hope you are doing okay there. Sending lots of love, hugs and prayers. And missing you hanging around here.

xoxo

Liese

I'm editing this to add: that maybe there is a reason that you are rebooting the process. Maybe you are not ready to go there yet. In the back of my mind, I always equated progress with = leaving T. Therapy's over. I'm fixed. And I wasn't ready to move that fast because he's the most secure thing I've had in my entire life. And until I learn how to find that security for myself, I'm not ready to leave therapy even if I learn new skills and process all my stuff. Just wanted to throw that out there, that maybe it IS okay to slow down a little. You have to listen to all your parts even the ones that are afraid of making too much progress. If I'm totally off-base here, just disregard.

Hi Yaku... thanks for sharing where you are now. I'm sorry it's been so hard for you. FWIW, what you describe is very typical for trauma surviviors. We alternately think we are making this all up or that it was not really so bad and we are just being dramatic. And at least for me... sometimes I just find myself "without words". That for me is usually a sign that I'm processing and need to conserve my energy to do just that.

I also tend to be impatient and wanting to rush through certain things that happened to me. Unfortunately, I did that with oldT and he allowed me to do just that because he had NO idea what to do with what I would tell him and as a result it never really got processed or integrated and now I'm left with lots of unresolved and dangling ends of many things. Hopefully, I'll eventually clear that with my current T.

And sometimes we just need a little break from the intensity of the processing. I hope you can find some serenity very soon and don't suffer through this too much. I have always found reading about you and your T very inspirational. I think you have a good T and that you are working hard and making progress. Please don't worry about responding to us. That will happen again when you are ready and in the meantime we can support you.

Sending hugs
TN

I second...(and third) everything everyone else has said...you are doing good work, and- just in case...you need to hear that you have just as much right to be here as anyone else does, as much, as little as you wish...

Big hugs, and prayers for the difficult processing you are doing,

beebs

Thanks for all the support from each and every one of you.

(((Liese))) (((Jane))) (((Frosty))) (((LL))) (((starfishy))) (((BB))) (((Monte))) (((TN)))

LL, there was a time several months ago where I felt that way, but after some earnest reflection, I decided that the comments were true and know in my heart that they were meant to be helpful. Just because something is difficult to hear doesn't necessarily make it untrue. I never stopped processing stuff in therapy as a result of sharing here, but I took the edge and urgency out of it by getting to an objective/intellectual spot before going in the room and not having to actually experience my feelings in front of another human being in "real time." I think the latter has to happen for me to integrate this stuff. The thing I need to work on is balance. Like, just because I should avoid processing things I really need to take into session on the forums (or otherwise outside of therapy) first, doesn't mean I need to lock myself out of sharing the things that are going on with me in therapy and life in general. So, I think I am going to try for that balance, because I miss you all.

Monte - I do the same, count my hug parentheses sometimes. Otherwise, it makes me feel like one arm is longer than the other! Thanks for understanding the weariness. I have truly missed you around here. Eagerly awaiting an update from you!

Liese - Yes, I do think part of me is not ready for what is coming up. I don't know if it's about equating progress with leaving T as much as having this stuff that really doesn't fit into the narrative or timeline I invented for my life absent of concrete memories to work from. So, I think I need to make room for the truth, kind of like preparing a flowerbed for planting or something? I get so caught up on need things to make complete sense that I aggressively invalidate anything that cannot be defended with absolute proof. I have a part that does this even with things I know are true, things as recently as six months ago that I absolutely remember thinking/feeling/acting a certain way, but now am able to feel as if that's a lie. So, I need to clean that up, I think, to make room for integrating this stuff and the part that holds it. I don't know if that analogy makes sense.

TN - Ironically, as soon as I saw the words "trauma survivors," I immediately went to, "my experiences don't qualify as trauma," thus validating the second half of your statement. I think my T has been really good at emphasizing me being patient, really resting in the process, not pushing. Thanks for being inspired by me and my T. I feel the same about you. And, ever since I've gotten a couple of hugs here and there, I think about you and am wishing that experience for you, just like holding hands with my T during prayer on occasion makes me think of Monte.

BB - Thanks. I know I have a right to be here...I just feel rather useless right now, which is not a way I like feling. Thanks for the big hugs. Tons back your way too! I know you are working hard and I've been following your thread about Cowboy especially, but feeling empty of anything wise or helpful to offer, but warm feelings are always on the other end and I hope you know that!!!


I think maybe I will start an update thread soon. I just don't know what to say, really. Everything in my therapy has this intangible quality to it lately...

((((Yaku))))

It is super hard having to sit with stuff, isn't it? I'm glad your T is emphasizing patience...my T has to do the same thing with me.

One thing I think I've realized is that if I post a whole lot about things, then they turn into just words rather than experiences, you know? I don't know if that makes sense. I think it's because my belief in some of my experiences is so shallow that if I share it too much, it becomes unreal because then it's *too* real. Okay, I know that probably made no sense. I'm not quite sure of another way to describe it at the moment, though.

Anyway, you just take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do. We all understand and will be here for you anytime.

((((hugs))))