I had another session with my T today. I see him regularly on Monday and Wednesday and those sessions were awful. I slept poorly on Wednesday night and was convinced I was unfixeable. Thursday morning I called my T and when he called me back to talk I asked if I could see him today (I knew he had a cancellation for this morning). It is the first time I've asked for an extra session since I've been seeing him twice a week.

He started by asking me what had been going on this week outside of therapy and I said no I wanted to talk about therapy first. I told him I felt unfixeable, that we have been doing this for 3 years and I was still in so much pain (not always but a lot) and felt like I was lurching from crisis to crisis. He was great at acknowledging how wrong I felt without agreeing with me. He admitted that he had talked to colleagues about me (without identifying details of course) because he could tell how painful it is for me and he wanted to know he was doing all he could to help me.

We were able to talk about why I sometimes shut down in sessions and the different silences I have. For example I told him that I had sent the email asking if he would shake my hand or sit closer to me or hug me because I wanted to talk about those things but then in session I couldn't. It took me days to realized that part of the reason for that is because I wanted to discuss them but I wasn't sure how I felt about them. So when he told me I could shake his hand (which is the only question we discussed when I stopped talking) I didn't want to I just wanted to know he was okay with it. I am afraid if I talk about wanting something like a hug then he will think I am going to do it and react to that with fear, disgust, or think I will always want to do it. It is more I want to discuss it and what it means to me and I was afraid he wouldn't understand that which is silly because he is a very good T and is very careful to be flexible.

We also talked about how I don't always know that he thinks I'm shutting down because I keep so much inside me and I can't always talk about it. I told him I don't like when he waits until so near the end of the session to say something like "I'm just trying to get you to talk about some part of this" because I don't have time to react to that and I leave feeling like I've wasted the session. I told him I'd like him to try and tell me what he sees faster and not just ask a lot of questions hoping he hits a good topic or sit silently waiting. When I read that I realize I'm a pretty difficult client, don't be silent too long, don't ask too many questions, don't tell me what you think is going on at the end of the session.

It was a really good session where I managed to share some of my fears about therapy and our relationship and we discussed how we work together. I feel much better and I wanted to share that feeling here because I learn so much from other people and their therapists.