(((((((R2G))))))))))

I'm sorry it hasn't been a good week and that you are dreading seeing your T tomorrow and feel so discouraged. It is hard for me when I have setbacks and slip ups and make mistakes. And they are expected, and a part of the healing process. My T has told me that one of the most important things is learning how to handle setbacks, because they are inevitable, for everyone...

I think that there is a lot you are handling well about this, and I know you want to be further than you are too. I think it is really good that you are looking at the deeper issues behind the ED, and realizing you haven't been sharing what you wanted to about that either. Maybe it is a good thing you were able to write without filtering - and get down deeper to what is in your heart. You can always save it to share later... Your T might be disappointed about things, but it is just because she cares about you. If she has experience dealing with ED, or really almost anything, then she knows the setbacks happen... I wish I had words to help lift the pain abd make it better. Battling to recover from an ED is very hard work. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

~ jane

Thanks ((((Jane)))) and ((((DF))))

I'm trying my best to keep things in perspective, even though today kinda sucked at work, and scared me a little, cause today felt like the whole year felt last year - which was disorganized and awful. I couldn't even finish my sentences! At least, though, I kept my head and kept my patience while staying calm - so I don't think my students noticed. I did though, and I can't let it happen again.

Thanks for reminding me that my T's disappointment is only cause she cares - it seems so counter-intuitive to what I know it to be - disappointed because I screwed up, vs disappointed because she cares.

I am kinda similar, DF, when it comes to sharing things with my Team - I'm really clear on paper, but I am really good at omitting details there too. When you talk directly to me, though? Yeah, I cave completely.

I see my T in an hour... I think I need a Xanax.

Well... my T was her usual, awesome, wonderful, calm, even, self.

I shared the letter with her, though I had her read it, cause there was no way I'd have been able to read it to her without bawling. I do think writing the letter was rather cathartic, and it felt a little scary sharing it, but my T said it was actually very helpful for her to get a glimpse into where I actually am... whether I am willing to admit it or not. She was pretty pleased, actually, since it was the first time I actually didn't edit my writing. It was so strange, her response was the exact opposite of what I anticipated - I expected disappointment, instead she was proud of my progress. I felt like my slip-up was a complete regression, she said my admitting it was progress. Crazyness.

Seeing my dietitian today was rough, too. She kinda laid into me about the honesty piece. That I'm only hurting myself when I go back to ed behaviors. But again, she was pleased that I admitted what I was doing. I only shared a few excerpts of the letter with her, including the part where I admit that I am acting on my ed again.

Ironically, both my T and RD saw it coming, and were expecting this regression. My RD was saying that when the mind quiets just enough cause the ed is starting to be addressed, it allows all the feelings that the ed has been stuffing to start to surface. Which they did, as evident in my letter. That's soooo great, right? Not. It just complicates things more. Though, again, neither my T nor RD, nor my Dr, expect me to be as far as I thought I was - I thought I was doing pretty well until I unleashed that letter, which uncovered the fact that I was lying to myself. They all knew how things were. I sometimes hate how they know me better than I do. Then again, I'm really grateful that they do...

At least I know now that neither of them are taking my word for food stuff - my T reports to my RD each week, and vice versa. I guess that is a good thing? Since I obviously am going to be attempting to lie about it for a while... I hate what this ed is doing to me. I think I liked it better when I wasn't feeling such intense feelings. (Even though I know it was not the healthy way to be...)