My mother is dying. Her heart is failing. Hospice was called in yesterday.
I want sooo badly to have an attachment to her- but still, when I hug her, I dont feel anything. I feel sadness that she is so weak. I feel sad that she is dying too young. I just read that there is a link between PTSD and heart ailments- well that holds true in my family. My father died of Aortic Valve Stenosis, and my mom has the same thing. My sister and I have mitral valve insuffiency, so there you have it.
I am mostly angry at my father for screwing up our home with alcohol. I am comforted by the fact that at least he did not try to pretend to love me. He pretty much disliked me from the get-go. My mother ignored me and sided with him when I was sick and couldnt walk and was in pain as a child, and now I am angry that she wants to be buried with him and she forgot what a mean bastard he was to her, and to us.
Now- all i feel is sorrow for her because she is so so frail. I want to feel more, I pretend to feel more and always tell her how much I love her. Why can't I feel it? THIS make me angry.