((((Butterfly)))) You're not all alone and not a failure, but I often find myself in that same place of disappointment and isolation. I'm sorry you are having to carry so many things (and people) right now and no one seems understand how hard and exhausting it can be. I wish I could do something to lighten your burden. All I have is that I'm here, feeling and praying for you. Try to be gentle with yourself. You deserve it!

Thanks (((Yaku)))...your words were really comforting.

Butterfly

oh butterfly,
you are most definitely NOT a failure and i am hugely disappointed in your family that they would ever think that!
you are also not alone. i'm sorry, i know it hurts not having a T...
(((butterfly)))

puppet

((((BUTTERFLY))))

I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I can identify very strongly with your post. I feel very much like a failure all the time too, failing everyone in every way, everyday. But my T gave me a book today that I just finished reading. It was a short easy-to-read book that took about a half hour. It's called, Who Moved My Cheese? by Dr. Spencer Johnson. It's all about change and accepting change and laughing at our failures. I could never laugh at my failures before and trust me, there are a lot of them and I look for every single one. But the book made me look at all my failures as lessons to be learned from and adjustments to be made. The only failure is not in trying to learn from our mistakes and getting stuck where we are at.

I don't know if you've already read the book but if you haven't, try it. It was a little painful for me to read only because I see how fear of change gets me stuck. But I know now that I need better coping skills for change because there is going to be a lot of change in my life. And, the book also made me look a little differently at my failures. It made me beat myself up a little less. No I am not perfect. Okay, I'll say it out loud. NO I AM NOT PERFECT. Phew!! It's out and everyone knows. I'm allowed to make mistakes. Someone's therapist told them (I cant' remember whose therapist it was now) that they allow themselves 13 mistakes a day and if they don't make 13 mistakes, they roll over until the next day. What a beautiful idea. So self-forgiving. So self-kind.

(((((BUTTERFLY)))))

((((HUGS)))))

Liese

Not a failure at all, but a strong and courageous person going through challenging and difficult heart painfilled times.

I hope you get a good T and I know from experience that when that happens the grief for the old one begins to lessen some. Slowly.

A good T is like a diamond and it seems just as rare.

we care here, so keep posting and if we all waited til we felt more positive to post, it would be mostly a non event here!

best wishes (((((Butterfly))))))

((((BUTERFLY))))

How are you doing today?

Oh, Butterfly- it is so hard when everything comes crashing down around...I'm so glad that you felt ok to come here and vent. You should be able to do that when you need to without any guilt at all. It sucks that your T who was your lifeline is no longer available to you- and it is totally unfair that should have happened. Of course you are feeling it difficult to connect or trust after experience like that. You put yourself out there to trust someone and then they leave, of course that is terribly painful and causes us to withdraw.

idk, Butterfly. I think we are learning a painful lesson...that no one will be there for us totally, in the way that we need them to be..(and it *is* a real need, so I'm not trying to minimize that- the need is *real*- but they won't- and so, since we *need* that- but can't seem to find it just now, though we have relationships- we will suffer. Who will pick us up and comfort us? In my case, ultimately the answer is no one will. So what shoudl I do in such a case? I can give up or I can get really brave and strong. I'm still in the giving up, crawling along surviving getting through the days- phase. But I hope I will eventually learn to pick myself up by myself. I have no idea if I actaully *will* or not...but I *hope* I will. And I hope you will too. I'm sorry it hurts so much and that friends have failed you and that t's have failed you and that you are feeling so alone. (((((Butterfly))))

I wish I could make it go away. I wish I could offer you some comfort. I know how much it hurts. Sorry I am not much help.

just wanted to post something, anyway, as best I can to let you know I care.

hugs,

BB

Thank you Puppet, Liese, Sadly and BB for making me feel not so alone and for saying I am not a failure even though I truly do feel like one.

I shall look out for that book Liese, sounds like it will provide a different perspective on things. Really glad it helped you and enabled you to be kinder to yourself. I agree, failures are to be learnt from...I just feel a little stuck with mine right now.

BB, yes it is an extremely painful lesson to learn that noone is really there in the way we need and one that I am trying so hard to accept. I have days when I am more positive and able to rely on myself, but have recently let everything get on top of me so am struggling with it all at the moment and it is pulling me under. I am sorry that you have to experience this too. Thank you too for validating my lack of trust as that was another failure to add to my list.

Sorry if this is written incoherently...I'm not feeling so great at the moment.

Thank you for letting me vent here...was feeling really down with it all so thank you so much for the support.

Butterfly

((((Butterfly))))

I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed and down at the moment.

You don't need to apologize for sharing your feelings with us. Please don't feel bad for that.

I wish you more peace in the coming days and hope your tests all show good results.

It's hard to not be stressed, especially when work is causing stress too but I hope you find some moments for yourself that are peaceful and gentle.

Butterfly... you are certainly NOT a failure by any means. You are struggling with a lot of heavy burdens right now and to do so without the support of a T makes it even more difficult. In fact, you also have the burden of the LOSS of a T to deal with.

I also have work issues so I understand how that feels. My bosses have been totally without compassion and in fact, are abusive at times. I so wish I could walk away but there are so many things I have to consider before doing that. One of those things is that when you are struggling with loss and grief, it is very hard to focus on making any huge changes in your life. The energy is just not there to do this. My sister has a hard time understanding why I just don't go get a new job. Right now all my energy is directed to keeping my emotional balance and the trauma of losing my oldT has badly affected my focus and concentration. My T says this is what trauma does to people and I was traumatized. So I have been trying to give myself time to recover before taking any huge steps.

I do want to encourage you to try to find a new T if this is financially possible for you. As you know I went through 5 T's before finding my T who is wonderful. It was not easy and I don't even know how I did it but it was so worth it. A good T makes therapy much easier and his support is there when I'm struggling with family, friends, work, child, myself...

So, be kind to yourself Butterfly and understand the impact losing a T can have on a person. You have done and are doing nothing wrong. I hope you will continue to come here for support.

Hugs
TN

I am so extremely touched by all your support..I can't tell you all how much it means to me.

Forlorn, thank you for your support and kind words.

Draggers, your post brought me to tears...I love the picture sooo much! Your care means the world to me. Thank you!

TN, I know you truly understand how it is to lose a T, thank you for saying I'm not a failure. Also thank you for understanding how its so hard to find the energy to make changes..I am struggling so much with that area and am consequently disappointing others.
Unfortunately my financial situation won't allow for a T at the moment but even if it did I am still reeling from the ending with the T that I saw earlier this year hence my desire to go back to old T and only old T as I can't imagine trusting anyone else. Stupid, I know. I am really pleased you have your lovely T guiding you along. Thank you so much for your understanding.

Deepfried, thank you for your thoughts and hugs.

I became an aunt again today so that has cheered me up and given me some much needed good news but at the same time I am fighting back tears that I can't explain. I have no idea whats going on with me at the moment.

Thank you for allowing me to write here and for being so kind.

Hugs to all
Butterfly

It is easy to be kind to you, as you are such a kind and caring person yourself.

I cannot help but feel for you in, and feel more kindness, when I think what you are going through right now.

((((butterfly))))))

(((Butterfly)))

Thank you ((((Sadly)))) and ((((STRM))))

It is nice to be able to share with people who understand, especially now I don't have my lovely T to talk to, who I am missing so very much. I am hoping that maybe one day it won't all feel so bad.

Butterfly

Geeze I must be senstive today. All the supportive and loving replies to this thread are making me tear up.

Having said that Butterfly you are not a failure. Just the fact that you get out of bed every day and face that job that you don't like makes you a hero in my mind. Right now you are running on empty. Your tank isn't full. It makes sense that you would not have the energy to change jobs at this time. So please give yourself a break that way.

I don't know your situation on your old T but I can say that I lost my T that I had seen for 16 years (that's embarrassing but true) about 3 years ago. She moved on to a different career. I was so dependent on her that when she left I thought I was going to die. I stopped taking care of myself almost completely. It is only now that I am starting to build myself back up. I am trying to take the lessons learned and go on from there. I even realize now that my old T was not good for me and that even if I had the chance I would not go back to her. I see a new T now that I have seen for 2 years and I have made more progress with her than ever. I am not so dependent on her and though I grieve it a lot (not having that rescue person in my life) am ultimately better off for it.

Another good book is "When things fall apart" by Pema Chodron. Excellent book

Jo

Thank you Jo!

Your post was good to read and I don't think 16 years is embarrassing, I just can't help but think how painful that must have been and what a testament to your strength that you survived and are now making good progress with your new T. Thank you for sharing this..it has given me a lot of hope as I was with my T for just under three years and she stopped her practice but like you I was incredibly dependent on her. I shall also check out the book.

Butterfly

Thanks Butterfly, Your words about me being strong brought tears to my eyes. You have no idea what a gift that was to read. Sometimes I feel so alone with that struggle.

Three years is a long time to know someone especially in such an intimate way. The grief you face now is so painful. If you can, be as good to yourself as possible. Know that you are the one who will dig your way out of this pain. There are good things on the other side of this grief. I promise.

Hi Butterfly

You are far from a failure, you are a strong woman who has a heap of things stacked against her right now...please know that the two are so completely different. I can really understand how hard it must be to lose your T, not to have anybody to understand or share with is one of the hardest things. Please know that you have friends here that care.

(((((butterfly))))

starfishy

Aww (((Jo)) you are most definitely not alone. Thank you so much for the reassurance...I really needed that, I am hoping it will get better and one day I shall stop missing her as much as I do.

Thank you (((Starfish))) for your kind words, it's so nice to have friends here and has been a great comfort to me in what has been a very lonely time.

Hugs
Butterfly

Butterfly, I can relate to your feelings of despair, especially in relation to being unable to seek support from friends. I understand this problem exactly and can empathize.

I'm new to the forum, but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone. Much love. XX

Welcome Beautifullybipolar!

I am sorry you can relate to these feelings and I hope that you too can find support here. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

Butterfly