SpaGirl,
I'm really sorry for the depth of pain you must be in to have your mom behave this way.

This is NOT you; it's your mom. The behavior you describe is that of someone who doesn't believe other people are people; they are incapable of being aware of or paying attention to someone else's point of view. I think your mother sees you (and everyone else) as being there to serve her needs. She really doesn't get on some levels that you have needs to. Hence the constant grievances. For when you occasionally assert your own needs (and from what you're describing I think you put an enormous amount of effort in taking care of your mother) which you need to do, she's offended because your needs don't really exist for her. So she can kick and mistreat you one day and act like nothings wrong the next because, after all, its about her feelings, so why should you object to how you're treated? You don't have any feelings to be hurt.

Protecting yourself may be the best that you can do for yourself in this situation and is probably the best thing you can do for your mother also. Clear boundaries are important for any relationship to work and your setting some may help your mother to see her behavior for what it is. But don't count on it happening.
What is under your control is what you do, and how you behave. You can change that. How your mom feels about what you do, is hers to manage. She can choose to look at her behavior and see what's shes doing wrong, or she can continue to be oblivious and hurt her relationship with you. But either way, those are her choices and her responsibility, you have no control over it.

I wish I could give you more comfort, please talk about this all you need to.

AG

(((((SpaGirl))))))

I wish had some wonderful words to make things better for you but I don't.

All I can do is send you my hugs, and tell you to take care of yourself. That is all that you really do have control of so be strong, and look after YOU.

Kats

SpaGirl,

My heart goes out to you. You are in an impossible situation because your mom is impossible to deal with. The first lesson I learned with my sister who I believe has BPD, is that I will never win. I will never be able to prove my point or get her to see my side of the story. She simply cannot empathize. Her needs and fears are so great and consuming that they often drive her to irrational behavior that includes attacking the very people she is trying so hard to keep close to her. And even when she has done this, she is the victim, and my family starts apologizing to her. I don't think she has ever felt the need to apologize to anyone because again, in her eyes she is the victim. So when I finally accepted that her version of the truth would always be different from my own and there is no way of convincing her otherwise I realized that the only thing I could do was to protect myself. It is good that you have found the strength to protect yourself. It is so hard to do. Borderlines can be so vicious and hurtful and yet it is not their fault it is yours. It will never make sense and having a healthy relationship with a Borderline is tricky. Of course most of them will flat out deny that it is even possible that they have BPD. I have only been able to have a relationship with my sister over the last few years by taking myself out of the path of fire. I don't trust her, I don't leave my child alone with her, and I always drive my own car so I can leave as soon as I feel it is necessary. She has been very good and I have not had to escape her "wrath" but even after 5 years I dare not let my guard down. It is tricky sometimes though because my parents are in denial that there is anything wrong with her but of course these are the people who stood by all through my childhood and did nothing while I was the primary target for her abuse. So, of course I don't expect them to do anything to protect me know.

SpaGirl, I wish I had some better news or encouragement for you. I can tell you that it is not you, you are not a bad daughter, you are not crazy or unloving, or uncaring. And in her own twisted way your mother does love you and is probably terrified of losing you. But you must take care of yourself first and try not to get sucked in. I am sure there must be a board at PsychCentral.com specifically for children of Borderlines that may also provide you with valuable support and information as you try figuring out what is best to do for you. I just wish I had known about online support groups like this one when I was trying to stay away from my sister. (BTW I got some great emails and vm's with her being so "hurt" that I am avoiding her over some old "sister-rivalry" stuff. I am the only one in my family who ever dares say that the way she treated me was definitely not normal sister-to-sister behavior.)

We should all get a kick out of this!

Mom has been "normal" lately (which is typical of BPD). Last night we were chatting along just fine and I told her that for Christmas she could get me a subscription to "France" magazine and that since she would have no idea how, I would simply put her as giver on one of those gift subscription cards. Simple enough, right?

She came up with one of her lovely comments:

"I wish you would just stuff FRANCE up your Ass!"

(Huh?) :-o Whaaa?

I stayed unaffected by her insane comment and replied: "That would be uncomfortable." And went on to say, "Mom, I've never wanted you to stuff a country up your ass." and did my best to make light of it.

Of course, after I hung up from her I called my best friend and hoped he could explain.

This morning she calls me and asks what I'm doing. I reply, "I'm still trying to get France out of my ass.", wondering if she even remembered saying it. Her comment? "You handled that really well last night." (what???) I went on to ask her why she would say something like that. She says that a friend of hers has a relative who is dating a Mexican and this person said that she wishes the relative would just stuff him up her ass. Mom thought that was funny and saved it for me last night.

This is what a crazy person thinks is funny.

She also admited why she said it was to antagonize me. "Why would you want to antagonize me, you 'love' me." "Well, that's just how I am."

Confusing behavior is so BPD. Sometimes you just have to laugh at them.