I saw my T today. I am SO glad I was not in charge of his schedule and HE decided I needed to come in today to see him. I had a rough weekend and that's why I was a bit quiet on here.

On Friday afternoon my boss verbally attacked me and was abusive towards me again, which this time paralleled my horrible abandonment session with oldT and sent me into a flashback, leaving me shaking and scared. It pretty much ruined my 3 day weekend because my anxiety was so ramped up and I dreaded going back to work today. Yet, I had to GET to today in order to see my T too and so I was struggling with mixed up feelings.

My T wore his pink shirt today which I love and that is always a good sign for me LOL. Maybe one day I will get up the nerve to tell him how nice he looks in pink. Alas, it was over ninety degrees today and humid as a swamp and he had on long sleeves so I doubt I will ever get to see him in short sleeves or something a bit more casual than a freshly pressed dress shirt. OldT used to wear short sleeve polo shirts in summer.

Anyway, I digress....I almost burst into tears when I saw him come out to shake my hand. I was so relieved to finally be some place safe. He asked me how I was and I could not talk to him for a few minutes. I had so much to say that nothing would come out. So finally I was able to tell him that on Thursday after I left him I got so sad. He asked me why and I asked him if he knew who M was? He said yeah he knew and he had died last Wednesday. He told me he felt really bad about it because he liked the guy and used to see him every day on TV. I said yeah me too. I watched him almost every morning for 16 years. He was always there and it was very comforting to me. He was sort of like a remote father figure... wise and knowing and funny and gruffly affectionate towards his colleagues. Then I started to cry and I told him I got really scared that HE could also die suddenly and I would not have anything of him but ... his pen. I would only have a pen and not a picture, not anything else and I was scared I would forget what he looked like and it would feel like just a nice dream and he would be gone from me. I was really upset and then I told him I was angry with myself for allowing myself to care about him after my awful experience with oldT. How could I do this to myself again?

He said he totally understood and he said that he was very pleased that I was becoming attached to him. He told me my feelings for him were a very important gift that I gave to him and that he valued this gift even more because of my history and what had happened to me. He said that my willingness and ability to attach to him meant that I was healthy and that I was behaving in a healthy fashion. He said there are serious problems with those who cannot attach at all to anyone (he meant in the context of doing psychodynamic therapy with those who are attachment injured and traumatized). He thanked me for the gift of my attachment. I just sat there speechless and overwhelmed with emotion for this wonderful man who is SO accepting of my need to be close to him and SO NOT scared of my feelings for him. He said the needs are healthy. The need to attach is biological. This need was never filled in my childhood. He repeated that it was healthy and okay.

(Note to everyone out there struggling with feeling attached to their T's...you are healthy and exhibiting very normal and healthy behavior!).

Then he told me that I am feeling like if he died that I would have nothing left of him but his pen was because we had not been working together long enough to fill me up with things from him. That as time goes on I will have a trove of things he has given me (I don't think he was meaning material things) and I will be able to call on those things when he is not around and they will comfort me. He said that will come with time. He told me that his Dad had died 20 years ago and he STILL had lots of really wonderful things from his Dad that he could use when he needed to. (Okay, this proves my theory that he had a very good relationship with his Dad, not like OldT who was practically estranged from his Dad). Then he looked at me and said... I just want to tell you now that I liked "M" so much BECAUSE he reminded me so much of my Dad. His style and personality and even his looks a little bit. I was amazed and told my T... I need to tell you that I liked "M" even more lately because he reminded me of YOU. T smiled and said he would accept that as a very nice compliment!

We then went on to talk about my work situation and my bully boss. He said that we needed to get me stronger to deal with this and to understand why I react the way I do. I was complaining that when my boss or anyone rushes at me in anger or rage I totally FREEZE and cannot function and then I say or do stupid things that get me into further trouble. T said yes like when your oldT rushed at you when you were sitting and crying in your car. And then he added, and maybe your parents did that too. He said I am able to defend myself quite well when I encounter anger or confrontation that comes at me directly and from I place I can understand. He said the anger that freezes me is the other person's DISPLACED anger and it should not be directed my way in the first place. He said I had no problem confronting HIM when I was upset about something, although I always do it nicely. But he emphasized that it was a RISK for me to confront him and I am able to do it. He is VERY observant.

Time was up and I had to go... much too soon. When I walked into his office I lit my little candle and left it on for him when I went. It has a timer that will turn it off. I just felt I needed to leave the light flickering for both of us. We shook hands warmly and he said to me "I'm really glad you told me about "M" and I'm glad that you liked him too". I thought that was nice... a nice point of connection for us.

Alas.... I never did ask him if I could take his picture... guess that will have to wait. I think it's because I need to be prepared and ready to hear "no". Not sure if I'm there yet. I'm just really missing him a lot right now. I honestly never ever thought I would find someone as kind and caring and SMART as he is. I guess I never believed I deserved it. Still not sure about the deserving part. It's still so scary to admit that he means a lot to me... because then it will be taken away from me. I'm still struggling with that.

Thanks,
TN