Hey everyone,

I have only been lurking here or there on the forum the past few days because of internet problems. I now have a shiny new modem, thankfully. I hope nothing in my post is triggering, because I know that there are things I'll mention that are sensitive subjects.

First, I guess I'll start with what my most recent dilemma is. This morning, I was completely floored (I stared in shock, literally, at the computer for several minutes) to find that my former T from the university sent me an email, said she had been thinking about me this morning, asking about my summer plans, how I was doing, and if I'd be interested in joining another therapy group being conducted over the summer. I haven't talked to her since my very short emails asking for references a couple months ago, and I haven't seen her since February. We have only ever talked through email to set up sessions, too, so I was just so surprised. Besides, I had just assumed that I was long gone from her memory, considering I only had 10 sessions with her.

I have no idea what to tell her. I got this email before my session today, but I didn't get the chance to talk about it with my T. I'm kicking myself, because I keep thinking that I should have brought it up. I'm afraid to say yes without talking to my T, because this just seems like the type of thing I should mention to her first, but then again, it is my choice, my therapy, and my T won't tell me what decision to make. I'm also just plain afraid to say no. It makes me feel so weak for saying that, but it's true - I especially feel weak, because I know that it won't be a big deal if I say no but I'm still scared. I think I still have a bitter aftertaste from my last therapy group, too, because I was often very uncomfortable talking. I never talked without being prompted first, and it made me feel like I not only wasn't trying hard enough for myself, but that I was a fairly useless person for the group. I don't know if I should challenge myself to another go around (with different therapists and different members) or if I shouldn't do it. I almost feel like I failed miserably in the last group, and I'm afraid to do another one because I don't want the same thing to happen, but I also want to try again and see if I get a better result. Ugh. I feel like I'm going around in circles - I think way too much about things.

I had my fourth session with my T today, and I don't think I need to worry about finding another T after this session. I have been feeling fairly numb the past few days, and I was all worried about what to tell my T, since I've wanted to see how she handles feelings…but I didn't have any. Anyway, I went into the session, decided to be totally honest and told her that I was "jumbled" and I didn't know how I felt. We ended up talking about some of my defense mechanisms against feeling and why I use them. She asked me if I had an image of myself when I was younger and there was a lot of turmoil within the family, and I only had a very vague one because I just can't remember. She asked me what I would do whenever there was severe conflict in the house, and I just kept having to say that I didn't remember.

I then said that I've pretty much decided that I was born this way, that I was made in a way that I became socially awkward, self deprecating, and afraid to assert myself. We also talked about my self doubt and where I feel it, which is mainly in my stomach, chest, and head. I had never realized that I can feel my own doubt, but it is true. She told me to try and see the doubt as a "friend" I once had that helped me stay quiet so that the conflict wouldn't get worse. She told me to try and just hold it and not criticize it, because it had served a vital purpose for me in the past. It's much easier said than done, because my self criticisms that come from doubting myself are so automatic that I don't realize I'm doing it most of the time. I went into the session almost completely numb, but I felt some very intense emotions being stirred up in session. I haven't cried in therapy before, and I never cry in public, but I was very close to falling apart today. I managed to stay together, but there were several times that I had to stop talking mid-sentence to keep from bursting out in tears. I know there's nothing wrong with crying in therapy, but it still seems very uncomfortable for me. I think I tried to get away from feeling that way, because at one point she asked me where I "went."

Anyway, I feel so relieved to have a good session with her. I have been worried about scheduling, too, because I started summer classes and a new job this week, but I have a session a week from today's session, which is so much better than 10 days.