Hi Timbo,
Welcome to the forum!

quote:

They wont let me in completely. Am I right and am I wasting my time?

Sounds like you are in a bit of a pickle there. I'll answer your last question first ~ Are you wasting your time? If you love someone you are never wasting your time! If you don't love this woman, maybe it's in your best interest to consider moving on. I'll assume that you love her because you have stuck it out this long.
I agree that your partners daughter should be out of the house by 27 (does mom cook with cheese?? hahaha sorry, I couldn't resist!), you say she has a job but is it enough to sustain herself in todays economy? Does she pay rent to her mother? If not, maybe you could suggest that she take some responsibility in that aspect. Also, hinting sometimes just doesn't cut it. I'm speculating here ... You might need to be a little more direct with your partner and explain to her that you'd like her to move in with you (where there possibly isn't room for her kid) at some point. Don't hint - TALK ABOUT IT! You need to find out if she is even interested in having her daughter move on. If she wants her kid to do this in her own time it may take a LONG time and you need to know this (it's your right to know this) so that you can either be prepared to wait for the long haul, or move on to a woman that is able to give you what you need in a relationship.

Good luck!

Holz

Hi Timbo,
Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you felt comfortable to ask your question. I think you're in the middle of a very complicated situation. It sounds like your girlfriend and her daughter are very emeshed and neither of them is in any rush to end that.

When someone grows up in an abusive, dysfunctional family they are often driven (very unconsciously) to repeat the trauma. As horrible as the abuse is, it's still at least familiar. Your girlfriend marrying someone like her abusive dad is a good example of this. Someone doing this kind of repitition of abuse has a lot of healing to do and a lot to deal with (I know whereof I speak because my dad was an alcoholic and physically and sexually abusive). Because of that she may be gaining some things from keeping her daughter so close that are not readily apparent. She has kept her daughter close to meet some emotional needs of her own at the expense of teaching her daughter to be able to stand on her own.

The other factor may be that she's feels guilty for placing her daughter in the same abusive environment as that in which she grew up. (My very WORST nightmare would have been for either of my daughters to be abused), which may have led her to feel like she has to "make it up" to her, so she is taking care of all her needs way past the time she should be.

I agree with Holz, (Hi Holly, good to "see" you!!) hinting isn't going to work. If this relationship is really important to you, you will need to speak openly to your girlfriend about your concerns. I will say that I doubt you are imagining being shut out. Their emeshment would make it difficult for them to get close to other people because they are so dependent on each other. but this isn't going to get better on its own. My guess is that either or both of them could use some therapy to work through their pasts. I think you need to make a decision about what you can live with because even if the situation changes it will probably be a long haul.

Please take all of this with a grain of salt, I'm shooting from the hip with very little info. Would you consider couples' counseling with your girlfriend? It might help to be able to talk with someone else there.

AG

Hey AG

It's been awhile!

quote:

good to "see" you

You can SEE me???
hehehe Nice to see you too.

Holz

Thanks to you all for taking the time to offer your suggestions and support. I just stuck my neck out one last time making her aware of possible abandonment and co-dependency issues. Telling her she has head problems will surely be the end of me

Hey Timbo ..

All you can do is try right! If you love her, don't give up on her.

Holly