Hey Ct,
I enjoyed reading your post- It really made me smile. I am not quite their yet, as it is now 12:49, and not quite ready for bed. And yes I know I must get up for work tomorrow.
I wish you all the best on your journey to the N word.
Helle

Oh CT I am so proud of you!! I have never ever given cyber hugs but I am sending you a stack of them right now.

Wow, oh wow!

What a huge step!

quote:

The inner-child-me has really had a hard time with the whole "bedtime" concept. Ever since I can remember, i've just stayed up until I was so exhausted I HAD to go to sleep (1, 2, 3, 4 am!!!). In fact, when my t started talking about "bedtime," my knee-jerk response was "I don't want a bedtime! i didn't even have a bedtime when I was a kid!!!" She just looked at me with this quizical 'like-your-childhood-is-a-good-example' look and goes "EXACTLY. Now what's your point?!" LLLOOOLLL!!! She said when her daughter was about 2, she wanted to fall asleep in front of the tv every night, but my t disappointed her in the short term to benefit her in the long-term, and she suggested I try that with myself. So I've had these internal dialogues with myself-- the younger me who thinks she knows EVERYTHING (because she knew more than the adults did back in the day). I tell myself that I'm allowed to be angry and not want to go to bed but that doesn't mean I'm going to get to stay up... just like I would with an actual child. Well, it's really making a difference, and the little, inner me really likes not having to be in charge, even though it's difficult to get used to. I have these inner power struggles though... like "I don't wanna go to school" and "do I have to get up?!?!" It's so hard being parent and child, but it's SO necessary! And it's so helpful now that I've come to a place where I can do it!!!

That whole paragraph resonated with me! I'm not there yet but your post gave me a whole new way of considering being kind (and reparenting) myself. I have children and I would not let them get away with some of the stuff that I let myself get away with - perhaps this method could work for me to?!

Go CT!! So proud of you.

And as for the 'n' word, it actually sounds like it might be a good state to be in! And I bet your T will remind you that she is not going anywhere just b/c you are doing well (well at least until you're ready).

Champion Effort!

Cheers!
I'm OK

WOOHOO! So great to hear this, CT - congratulations on your lovely fancy new skills!!!

CT, it is great to hear from you again, and wonderful to hear how well you are doing! It is a brave thing and a good sign, I think, that you can post about your progress and not be afraid to claim it. What I hear in your post is a little fear - perhaps of the future, of the unknown - but also I hear an emerging zest for life, and courageously deciding to love yourself and give yourself good gifts that you have deserved all along. I think I hear that you are beginning to marvel and enjoy the journey. Thank you for being willing to share it with us.

Hi CT,
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

I don't know if you're all that familiar with Charlie Brown (being such a young'un and all ) but whenever Lucy talked to Charlie Brown and he would identify what she needed to do or needed to understand about something, she would shout "THAT'S IT!" so loud Charlie Brown would do a backwards triple somersault. Right now you should be doing a backwards triple somersault.

I have always had problems with maintaining a regular schedule, not procrastinating, etc. This explanation, of not having had those boundaries, and needing to set them for myself, resonated so strongly with me.

About a year ago, I had finally gotten a handle on my eating and lost almost 60 pounds, then we some really stressful family stuff this summer and I went back to stress eating. I was losing weight by eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full, which entailed being present and listening to my body. I have been frustrated that I lost the mindset that allowed me to do this and when I read your post, it came back to me. When I went to eat and wasn't hungry, I would tell myself that it wasn't ok to eat then, that I didn't need to and although it might make me feel better right then, I would feel horrible later. That to really care for myself, I deserved better than to overeat and be overweight. I had first made this connection reading the book When Food is Love by Geneen Roth, but I had forgotten.

Your post not only brought it back, but showed me that the principle extends to so many other areas of my life. I just need to treat myself like one of my daughters. I am so happy for your progress and even happier that you took the time to share it!

AG

Hi CT...

Good to see you dropping in. I'm so happy to hear that you are enjoying your "routine" life. I am much happier when I have some kind of routine...but I find it difficult to maintain it for long. So with all my heart I wish you the best of luck....keep it up.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!

My life has become more routine but still dominated by my therapy...yada...yada...it is a routine of sorts I suppose...since I go nearly every day but I would not call it the "N" word. *chuckling* And try not to worry about the "N" word. I know you're not THAT! LOL

I have some different stuff coming up soon...so maybe therapy will take a back seat for awhile. I need the break but it sucks that I have to catch up with my physical body needs while I take the break. A cruise would be nice...hmmmmm....but surgery is again on my schedule....so I guess I'll have to do that. *sigh*

Anyway...keep up the great work. I'm so happy to hear that you are doing so well and finding some joy in your life. I'll find mine...eventually. Throw some "glitter in the air" for me...k?

Always...take good care...CT...and may all your best dreams come true!

SD

Hi SD

I just wanted to say good luck with your surgery. I hope it's not too serious. And if you feel like chatting more about your health, the please feel free to open up.

Take care
I'm OK

Hi again peeps. I'm SUPPOSED to be studying right now, but I'm in one of those "I DON'T WANNA" moods so I'm trying to indulge it for a moment... or two... !

Thanks so much for all your responses!

Helle- I'm glad I could make you smile, even if it was at 12:50 in the morning! Thanks for the well wishes!!!

I'm OK- Thanks for the stack of rare hugs! I'm glad you found something beneficial about my post, it's hard work but definitely worth it! And yes, my t has told me that I can be as healthy as I want to be and it doesn't mean she'll go anywhere. She actually said that the healthier I get, the more work I'll be able to do with her... who knows what THAT means?!?!? Anyway, thanks for your words!

Thanks Jones, btw I laughed at "fancy new skills"... hehehhe idk why, it was just cute!

Mad Hatter- Thanks for your kind words and your support!! You're right, I'm afraid but I do kinda enjoy this whole new part of life too... It's just so strange still!?!?!?

AG- Don't make me do anymore of those backwards somersaults!!! I'm still sore!!! JK JK, I'm glad my post reminded you of something helpful. Your comments also put a new twist on my "fancy new skills" that I hadn't really applied yet- about being present in general. Thank YOU for that!

SD! SD! SD!! Long time no chit chat my friend!! Thanks for your lovely words!! And I'm glad you know I'm NOT that scary ol' normal thing!! WHEW! I think I almost had some of these folks here fooled!!! I'm sorry to hear that you've got another surgery coming up, but I hope all goes well!!! I'm glad to see you back on the boards, and trust me, if I ever throw any glitter around, I'll toss some up for everyone here!!!! LOL!

Everyone, thanks so much for your support. It's so odd to claim PROGRESS... but, it has to happen SOMETIME, right? TTYL!

-CT

AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD it's officially over. My taking-care-of-myself streak for 2010 is on the books, and I'm back to my old normal! Hello little sleep, poor eating habits, self-hatred, self-punishment, avoidance and irresponsibility- I hope you had a nice vacation. While you were gone, I made a huge fool of myself and actually tricked myself into thinking I might be making progress... silly me, how quickly I forget!

At least now, I won't be having those awful dreams anymore because I'm determined not to sleep long enough! Adios PM light on the alarm, it was nice knowing you! Hello again ice cream at 2am...

Sorry for getting your hopes up guys... and mine... but I still suck giant, hairy, sweaty balls at self-regulation.

-CT

Hi CT

If my T was here online, she would tell you that "although you have taken a temporary step backwards, when you next go forward it will hold for longer, you will be more stable for longer. You can do this. Trust the process. It's the graph (she is forever reminding me that the graph to recovery / self happiness is certainly up & down - BUT overall the trend is in the upward direction".

So CT, yes you may have taken a backward step BUT you now know you can do it. Isn't that half the reason we post here? So we can refer back to our journey and know that what we wrote came from the heart - and a success on here is so real, so valid and such a sign of the inner strength in each of us.

You didn't get my hopes up - you only reinforced what my T tells me most sessions.

Cheers!
I'm OK

CT,
Put down the large hammer, step away from the large hammer! I want you to think about saying what you're saying to yourself to someone else, never in a million years would you be so demanding and critical of anyone else.

It took years and years of neglect and abuse, at a time when we were developing and could take things in at a deeper level, to form the way we behave and yet we expect to change that in five minutes. Ever watch a child developing. It takes so much repetition for them to permanently acquire a new skill with a lot of stumbles along the way. In my experience, therapy is a long circling process, getting stronger on each spiral but often going over the same territory. I really agree with what I'm OK said, you have made progress and gains that are a part of you. Now all you need is practice!

So no disappointment at all, and a huge dollop of hope!

AG

Thanks I'm Ok and AG. I really appreciate your words.

I'm Ok- yeah, I've taken a huge step backwards... I've fallen really hard from the stupid wagon. I'm not taking care of myself in the slightest bit- I'm even wanting to intentionally hurt myself/make myself suffer (not eating, not letting myself go to the bathroom, not sleeping, etc.). I just hate this stupid process, and hate that I fail and feel stupid more than anything. Ugh, my overall trend doesn't FEEL upward, but thanks for the graph notion- I've never thought of that before. I guess I still feel like the only thing I've proven is that I CAN'T take care of myself for long... I mean what good are life skills if you can't maintain them?

AG- Sorry, but I REALLY want to hold on to the hammer for a while. The thought of being nice to myself makes me sick right now... plus, if I'm mean, it intimidates the younger parts of me and gets them to SHUT UP. I hate all of this so much and just feel like a dumb ass for even posting about this shit.

I just... I just don't even know what to do anymore. I was trying really hard to take care of myself but I couldn't handle it... I was dreaming every night and I was dreaming REALLY perverse and awful things. I don't want to let myself sleep longer than about 6 hours because I DON'T want to dream. I'm so used thinking 24/7 and for sleep to be the only time I experience quiet... but it's like, when I was taking care of myself, it was reversed. It was really freaky to actually experience some calmness while I was awake... it was almost too quiet and I couldn't seem to feel anything. It's like I was detached from my childhood, not in a unhealthy kind of way, but just in a weird way... but the trade off for this not-thinking-all-day stuff was that I had very intense dreams about bad things. I've never been one to remember my dreams (because I've never slept long enough at once) and I just wasn't expecting it at all. I don't like this trade off. I felt like I was all responsible and adult-ish and I felt like I didn't have anything to talk about with my t when I'd go in for sessions. I was like "yep... I'm on a routine... I'm a robot now and feel nothing... yay?"

I don't know what I was doing wrong. And to make it worse, i went in for a second session to talk about the fact that I'm boycotting extended sleep, and my t wanted to talk about my dreams and I didn't want to (because they're awful and embarrassing). So I ended up telling her why taking care of myself wasn't working and she was all, "it's only been two weeks. That's not enough time to make these conclusions and say that it wasn't working. It's going to take much more time than that." Well that's really when I gave up and I got really upset in session (which I don't do very often, like actually shut down and stop talking). I wouldn't tell her what was wrong but the truth is it really hurt for her to say it had ONLY been two weeks like it was nothing and I was trying so hard. It felt like eternity to me and it was really just nothing. So nothing I did mattered and if I tried so hard for nothing, why keep trying? Why not just go back to not dreaming and being able to feel and just sacrifice the whole taking-care-of-me thing?

And then my t said something how I "want things to change but I don't want to make changes." Ummmmm ouch. Thanks for providing salt for my open wound there, t. I OBVIOUSLY CAN'T MAINTAIN CHANGE SO WHAT THE F*** IS THE POINT??!?!?!? This is all so confusing and I just want to go to sleep but I want the quiet, dark unproblematic sleep back. I don't want to dream... or at least remember them.

I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this.

-CT

(((((CT))))) I just wanted to let you know I'm here and supporting you...is it possible to take a mindfulness stance w/ all that is going on? that is...observe the resistance, observe the feelings, the fear w/out being so hard on yourself? (easier said than done, I know--I've been trying to do this myself..) wish I could offer more...mlc

(((((((((CT))))))))))

I understand your anger and frustration, because I've felt them. I have some very similar questions (WHAT THE F*** IS THE POINT?) scrawled in large angry letters in my journal. You are hitting what I consider to be the worst point in therapy (did I mention you're probably going to want to hit me very badly by the end of this post?).

Addictive or compulsive behaviors, such as staying up late, poor eating etc. are used because they are effective. They work to keep away whatever it is we need to hold down and out of consciousness. The problem is that over time they lose effectiveness combined with the fact that their side effects become destructive or at least take a heavy toll on our lives. They are the symptom, not the problem.

All the things you are struggling so hard to change (and you are busting your ass working on this stuff btw) are symptoms of a deeper problem, they are not the problem in and of themselves, no matter how problematic they are in your life. So when you stopped the behaviors, the stuff you're trying to hold down rose up. And the memories and emotions you're trying so desparately to stay away from (for good reason because they're was a time where you COULD NOT have faced them and stayed whole, so pushing them down and away allowed you to survive!)are coming at you through your dreams. But you haven't yet learned how to handle, contain and process this stuff. So you've let go of your only coping mechanism, but still have this incredibly overwhelming stuff to handle and no idea how to.

Will you believe me that I understand how much shame and revulsion you're feeling about your dreams? I've faced some really horrible feelings in therapy. The worst have been times that even as I described terrifying and horrible acts of abuse, I realized that I felt aroused as I talked about it. It was a long hard journey uprooting that shame. But what healed it was being able to talk about it ALL with two understanding therapists, and a few understanding friends, who were able to help me see the shame wasn't mine. It belonged to the people who did this to me.

So here's the thing, you do want to make changes. But the only way to make those changes is to do what you need to do so that you no longer need those behaviors to protect you. Our limbic system is incredibly stubborn, it doesn't care if we're happy, only if we're safe. THIS IS NOT A FAILURE ON YOUR PART. Nor are you somehow a weak defective person. You're dealing with an incredible level of trauma.

And what you need to do is let the dreams come, talk about them, face them with your therapist to help you contain the tidal wave of difficult emotions that will come with it so that you can learn to understand what you went through, the lies you believe because of your experiences, how to handle the feelings as they occur. Then you'll have the ability to make these changes in the long run.

I KNOW, please please trust me that I know that it feels like facing these things, allowing yourself to experience these dreams in all their perversity feels like it WILL DESTROY YOU. I do not use those words lightly, it's not hyperbole. The terror is that of absolute annihilation. But you won't be, because you've already survived what you're trying to remember and secondly, and most important, this time you will NOT FACE THIS ALONE. Your T will come with you, and help you make sense of it, and allow you to experience a caring other.

It is my very deepest wish that I could tell you something else, anything else, right now. But I know that despite the incredible level of pain involved, the only way out is through. And I can promise you two things. You ARE capable of going through this and healing. And when you reach the other side, I believe that you'll believe the pain was worth it. I know I do.

I hate this too. I hate that you were treated in such a way as to bring you to this place. That you carry shame and anger towards yourself that you absolutely DO NOT DESERVE. That such a bright and shining spirit, an incredible, amazing unique person should feel so worthless. It is evil, plain and simple. Please know that I am so sorry for everything you went through and what you will have to go through to heal. I wish I could just make it all better without the pain.

But I beg of you, please be gentle with yourself.

AG

MLC- Thanks for your much needed support. I don't know much about mindfulness, and am not really in a place where I'm open to solutions right now, but thanks for the suggestion. I will keep it in mind for when I actually feel like doing something OTHER than being angry.

AG- Thank you so much for your reply. It means so much for me to be able to talk about this stuff ((((AG)))).

Unfortunately, I'm still really struggling... here are my honest responses to some of the things you say in your post (excuse my negativity):

quote:

You are hitting what I consider to be the worst point in therapy (did I mention you're probably going to want to hit me very badly by the end of this post?).

I don't wanna hit you, don't worry, but I do wanna do this: (not AT you, just in general!)

quote:

But you haven't yet learned how to handle, contain and process this stuff. So you've let go of your only coping mechanism, but still have this incredibly overwhelming stuff to handle and no idea how to.

Why haven't I learned how to do this shit??? I SHOULD know by now!

quote:

You're dealing with an incredible level of trauma.

Not really! I was never sexually or physically abused. There wasn't THAT MUCH trauma!

quote:

And what you need to do is let the dreams come, talk about them, face them with your therapist to help you contain the tidal wave of difficult emotions that will come with it so that you can learn to understand what you went through, the lies you believe because of your experiences, how to handle the feelings as they occur.

ummmmmmmmmm that sounds exactly like what I DON'T want to do... I don't want to ever dream again, and I certainly don't want to tell my t about it!!!!! But some small part of me knows I need to... that's where that nice ol' hammer comes in, the shut that part up!!

quote:

But I beg of you, please be gentle with yourself.

No thank you.

quote:

Will you believe me that I understand how much shame and revulsion you're feeling about your dreams? I've faced some really horrible feelings in therapy. The worst have been times that even as I described terrifying and horrible acts of abuse, I realized that I felt aroused as I talked about it. It was a long hard journey uprooting that shame. But what healed it was being able to talk about it ALL with two understanding therapists, and a few understanding friends, who were able to help me see the shame wasn't mine. It belonged to the people who did this to me.

Thank you for sharing this with me. Yes, I believe you have felt that shame and repulsion. I just don't want to talk about my dreams... at all... because I don't like that my brain is capable of coming up with the things it's coming up with. My dreams aren't memories... they're just these awful scenarios that I don't even want to acknowledge to myself. My t says it's symbolic and doesn't say anything bad about me, but I still find it shameful and embarrassing. Think she'll notice if I just change the subject on Tuesday??? ( )

-CT

LOL....CT

You are too funny girl. I think I'd rather talk about my dreams than my real life!

Seriously though...there is a TON of stuff you can deal with in doing dream work. I find it somewhat easier to access and analyze than my real life interactions. The world of metaphor and abstraction is rich with meaning but difficult to realize.

I found a quote for you...thought you'd like it.

"The Truth Shall Set You Free--but first, it's probably going to piss you off."

(((CT)))

SD

Thanks for the quote SD! It's sooo true! And I know theoretically dream work should be preferred to real, concrete stuff... but I think what bothers me is the fact that i have NO clue what my dreams really mean. Normally, when I need to talk to her about something, I have an idea of what's going on and what her reaction is going to be (or what my reactions is). But there is something unnaturally vulnerable to me about telling her really strange stuff while she sits there and tries to make sense of it... and usually, there's some message that I wasn't expecting and then it makes me all sad and upset and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Plus, my dream was just bad/awful/shameful/repulsive/disgusting/you name it.

I'm starting to get really nervous about my session in the morning. Part of me wants to write down my dream and give it to her but I don't even want to replay the dream in my head... I don't want to think about it long enough to write it! And Lord knows I don't want to just tell her about it tomorrow!! I can't even tell it to myself. But i don't want to go in there and not talk to her or just be pissed off and waste my session. I truly don't know what I should do! I mean, I know the "right" answer is go in there and tell her about it or have it written out for her... but I actually don't know if I CAN do that. Plus I still wanna be angry and mad and pouty.

-CT

Hi SD,
ROFL! That quote is not only extremely funny, it's way tooooo true! Thank you!

CT,
I think you should be able to feel angry and pouty and not willing to talk about your dreams as long as you want to! They're your feelings and you have every right to them and to be able to express them. I've definitely spent my fair share of therapy really pissed off. You'll go there if and when you're ready and whenever or if that happens will be right for you. I could have done a better job respecting your feelings. I really really appreciated how gracious and honest your response was. I love what an incredibly real person you are!

AG

PS Despite what I said up above, I am still pulling for you to be gentle with yourself.

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
I could have done a better job respecting your feelings.

Oh AG, you respected my feelings just fine!!! I felt perfectly respected and heard! No worries!

There's this awful conflict going on in me right now and it's getting really intense- this aggressive, self destructive, hateful part of me REALLLLLLLLLLLY doesn't wanna give up control, but the other part of me- the more rational, trusting-of-my-t part really wants me to open up to my t tomorrow about this dream. I feel like 3/5 of me is throwing a HUGE ASS TANTRUM, 1/5 of me is considering rationale and the other 1/5 is trying to create diversions from any productive thinking whatsoever (avoidance cough cough)....

I'm so freaking confused I'm shaking and sick to my stomach. I just want to never have dreamed what I dreamed!!!! idk what to do i just don't know!!! I think I'm going to go and TRY to write about my dream but I'm reallllllly scared to. Wish me luck, k?

-CT

CT,

I'm really tempted to give you a list of all the appalling things I've dreamed over the years, but I'll spare you for a couple of reasons - one that I don't want to trigger you or anyone else, and the other that I don't want to make light of the real shame and discomfort you are feeling over this.

BUT no family member, no bodily sanctity, no social, spiritual or ethical taboo has been respected by my roving subconscious.

I used to feel terrorized by my dreams. At some point, though - and I'm not quite sure how this happened - I started to see them as the evidence of a really powerful creative force that I was privileged to have in me. Even though those dreams were (and sometimes still are) FILTHY. The subconscious works in metaphors and symbols I believe, and I believe it gets very noisy when it has a really important message. The extremity of your dream I think is an expression of how important it is that you listen to and work with what it's bringing up for you.

I know you're in lots of conflict over this and are feeling really strong urges to punish & hurt yourself. My wish is that the caring part of you can be centered and calm and protected while you listen to the full force of those messages. Hopefully with your T's help.

Oh and the other thing is that at some point my subconscious figured out that there was pretty much nothing it could throw at me that I was going to be shocked by. Then somehow it calmed down... like some kind of 8 yr old on a swearing jag!!

Oh Jones, thanks so much for sharing your experiences with dreams. It helps so much that I know you've dealt with something similar and lived! I like what you said about your unconsicous discovering that it can't shock you... thanks!

Well, I'm in SSSSUUUCCCHHHHH a better place today! I had a wonderful session with my t (have I ever mentioned that I love her btw? LOL )

I don't have time to write all about it right now, but wow, it was such a hard session, and I actually thought I was going to die last night, but she really helped me out! I wrote down the dream last night and gave it to her today, and I feel like 4485956549 pounds lighter! I cried a lot and talked about some very hard stuff, but she was right there with me! She was so gentle and helpful today. I'm even considering ACTUALLY SLEEPING tonight!! YAY!!!


Thanks for all the support. More later when I'm not at work!

-CT

(((((CT))))))) That's awesome to hear! And I like the weight loss plan.

Congratulations, CT! That is so awesome that you were able to write down your dream and tell it to your T! What a huge, courageous step! And I love that she responded gently and helpfully. I'm very happy for you!!



SG

Ok ok- my session!!! I've been dying to write this out all day!!!!

After my frantic post last night, I wrote this letter to my t about... feeling frantic! I was shaking and nervous and felt like I was running a marathon and all I was doing was sitting in my living room. The internal conflict realllllllly intensified and I got to the point where the angry child-me was finally dethroned and the adult me slowly regained some authority (for the last week, lil me has been controling and reacting to EVERYTHING!). I was able to start writing about my dream, and after a while, i kinda got lost in the writing and my panic disapated some. I didn't even reread my letter or the account of my dream after I wrote it. I just printed it and put it in my bag!!!

So this morning, I got to my session and gave my t the letter and the details about the dream. She read quietly and, right before she got to the dream part, she told me this story about how a couple she counseled years ago, and because the woman moaned in her sleep, the husband accused her of cheating and having sex dreams about this fictional other man. She told me this becuase she wanted to give me an example of how f'ed up it is to hold someone accountable and liable for their dreams. She went on to read about my dream and told me that it sounded like a pretty normal dream to her. She told me what she thought the different parts of the dream symbolized, and I had a REALLY difficult time talking. Words were NO WHERE to be found!! All I could manage was that i still felt like the dream was pretty f'ed up, and she goes "the only f'ed up part about it is that it highlights your unconscious belief that all you have to offer is sex." Well that comment took away damn near any words i THOUGHT i might have left. She talked some more and finally, I just said "I'm having a really difficult time talking (which isn't normal for me)." She kinda slowed down a bit then, and we started talking about how and why I got off track with the whole taking care of myself thing. I told her that I hated that i tried and failed and she pointed out that the process isn't linear, that we have to go over and over some things. And i told her that I was upset because I didn't want to try and fail. I was kinda waiting to try until I thought i could do it and keep it up, but I couldn't, and I was really upset. I told her that I wished i never told her that I tried so that she wouldn't have known when I failed, and I said that I never want to try again. But she said never trying again is me fleeting over to the extreme, when that wasn't necessary. I told her that I just hate that I have an audience!! I don't normally try and do things in front of other people until i've mastered it in private!!! It was then that she looked at me- i wasn't looking at her but I could feel her demeanor change, and she goes "I'm here, but not to judge you for when you mess up. I actually just really want to help you."

For some reason, this really meant a lot to me. Today was the first time that i felt like it might actually be okay to mess up in front of her and not worry about her thinking I'm a fuckup. I've known all along that she isn't really thinking that, but i FELT it today, like she really was on my team, not just on the same field as I am. I felt a little kid in me go "oh. okay. i want you to help me." and I've never had that experience before.

After this, I was able to talk to her about the dream, and what it meant to me- how it paralleled with another realtionship I had; a realtionship where I really felt that sex was indeed the only thing- or the best thing- that I had to offer. It's a relationship that I don't talk about much with her, at least not more than a reference here or there. But today, i actually told her how upset I am about that relationship, and how I never thought I'd be angry about it, but I'm finding that I am actually angry about it (it was a person of authority who was twice my age and used my vulnerability to meet her needs- I was 17). Anyway, i cried about that old relationship, and told my t that I didn't really know what to do with those feelings (because it's a person that I'm still involved with, platonically), and you know what my t said? She goes "well, I'd really like to put all of it in a suitcase and leave it here, with me. I'll keep it." And I said, why on earth do you want it?" and she goes "because, that way you won't have to carry it around with you all the time, and it will be safe here. Plus, it doesn't hurt me, so i'll keep it for you." ( ) And then I asked her what she thought about that person, about that past relationship, and she told me, very honestly but very carefully. She included that some of the things that person did "iritate her", and oddly, I LOOOOOVE that she said that. I was like SHE (my t) has a REAL FEELING about someone and something on MY BEHALF!!! It was almost like she was turning kinda "momma bear"-ish and I love feeling like she really does care about me and want me to be treated well. Then, as I got up to hand her my check, she goes "I'll take that, and your suitcase too!" LOL I love her so much!

Oh- I almost forgot! before we ended, she told me that i did a "really great job today," but she didn't say it in a cheesy way, she used her soft, meaningful voice and said that I should be proud of myself. i could tell that she really recognized how hard today was for me, and she knew that i was really trying to make a difference.

Anyway, I'm feeling really good still and I'm anxious to get to sleep- I've been EXHAUSTED from little sleep, and it's way past my bedtime already! Thanks so much for all your thoughts and support guys. I think I'll leave you with some lyrics from a band called "the almost" that are really important to me right now:

quote:

In this strange tangle of love
I'm learning how to see
In this weird change of space
I'm learning to believe
in this life I'm living,
I feel you helping me

If I were a monster,
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak, would you stare?
If I were a leper,
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost.
Would you help me get free?

Time and space are closing in,
And their turning me weak.
You and me are making friends,
Just learning how to be
I learn from you and,
You’re watching me,
This is the way to be.

If I were a monster,
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak, would you stare?
If I were a leper,
Would you say unclean?
If I was lost.
Would you help me get free?

This is real, This is now,
I don't wanna go, I hold on,
You let go will I ever know?

If I were a monster,
Would you wince
When you looked at me?
If I were a freak, would you stare?
When I am a monster,
You never wince,
When you look at me.
When I am a freak, you never stare.
When I am a leper,
You never say unclean,
And when I am lost,
You help to set me free.

-CT

(((((((CT)))))))))
That is so awesome, thank you for sharing that. You were incredibly courageous to open up like that to your T. I am so glad that you were met with understanding, affirmation and protection and that you were able to take it in. To start to believe in the reality of your Ts care for you.

I loved her keeping the suitcase!! She sounds really awesome. Keep up the good work!

AG

Hi AG, Thanks for the response! My t is pretty awesome!!

I've been thinking since that session... which is dangerous, I know... but anyway, I've been thinking... I don't really do a good job of telling my t when something is going well. I don't tell her when something made me feel good or loved-- for example, when I realized in session that she might actually be on MY team, i kept that to myself. I didn't share that with her... I think I'd cry if I told her that, but i'm wondering if I should go ahead and tell her anyway, you know. Idk if I'm making any sense, but if nothing else, i'd like for her to know that what she said meant a lot to me. Do you find that it's worthwhile to share the positive things AG? I would think it would help us to feel closer, but at the same time, it feels sappy... and just weird in general. Is that normal I wonder? I'm just kinda thinking about this, throwing it around, and I welcome any thoughts....

-CT

Hi CT,
I tell my T positive stuff all the time. (You're a very brave woman continuing to ask me these questions!) For several reasons.

1) I am often so grateful for what he does that it feels like I can't NOT say thank you. And one of the things I absolutely love about my T is his ability to say "you're welcome." Some of the most intimate moments we've had together in sessions is the following conversation:

AG: Thank you.
T: You're welcome.

2) A big part of what I've learned in therapy is regulating emotions and I discovered along the way that regulating the "good" stuff could be as bad as handling the "bad" stuff so it's good practice for me to tell my T when he gets stuff right and what it means to me. So that I can also learn to feel and express joy, gratitude, warmth, comfort, happiness etc.

3) I do it in an attempt to balance out all the horrible accusations and anger he doesn't deserve from me. I was terrified for a long time that he was going to abandon me or violate my boundaries and he encouraged me to talk about those fears. So here is a man who is doing eveything he can to understand, accept and support me, including unlimited contacts between appts even when he's on vacation and then I say things to him like "I'm still waiting for you to hurt me. What's the difference between you and my father?" There's something about accusing an innocent man of being like an incestuous pedophile that seems like it should be offset with something positive.

4) A significant part of my intimacy problems and terror of getting close is that my loving feelings, and expression of them will be either rejected or scorned or mocked. A very important part of my healing has been learning that loving my T is a GOOD thing to do and it's really ok and healthy that I feel that way. So I've often told him how much he means to me. I emailed him after my last appt and told him that I really appreciated his awareness of and acceptance of his importance in my life.

The truth is that therapy should be a safe place where you can express everything you are, all of you, good and bad feelings alike. We forget sometimes that loving someone, appreciating them, and needing them are also legitimate parts of who we are.
5) Over the course of therapy as I started to open up, my T has let me know that he appreciates the positive feedback because it provides affirmation to him that what he is doing is working. Healing from these kinds of injuries is such slow painstaking work and involves SO much repitition that it is easy for a therapist to be discouraged and unsure if they're handling it right. He has told me that my feedback gives him confidence not only with me but that he is pursuing the right treatment with his other patients.

6) And my most immature reason, he's a pretty humble guy and sometimes when I compliment him enough, he squirms. I spend so much time self-conscious in his office that it's nice to get a little back.

There's a post somewhere on the site about a cross stitch I made to say thank you to my T. I cross stitched my signature line about things being ok. When I gave him that cross stitch I gave him a card with a list of things I wanted to thank him for. I actually had to add a notecard inside the greeting card because I ran out of space. So yeah, I say positive things.

AG

Thanks for your reply about this AG. I really want to be able to tell my t good stuff verbally, but it freaks me out. I feel so... lame? corny? insignificant? And I get worried... like, what if I think it's good and I find out it's not true or valid or maybe it just doesn't matter or it's stupid. I get REALLY nervous about it.

I wanted to tell her today but I just couldn't. I just talked about my job and school and other stuff, but i couldn't say "hey, what you said last week really meant a lot to me." Even THINKING about saying that makes me want to puke . I knew I wanted to tell her though so I stuck around after my session and wrote to her about it (because it would even more awkward if I tried to bring it up a few weeks from now!!!). I told her how I felt when she said

quote:

I'm here, but not to judge you for when you mess up. I actually just really want to help you.

... that I felt like she really cared and was safe. I acutally heard myself say "oh, she really does want to help... so if I mess up, and she sees it, she might be able to help me... I don't have to be alone?!"

I guess I equate it to when I was a kid... I wasn't given the space to fail or mess-up. If I was doing something wrong, someone would usurp whatever the task was at hand, or my mom would get annoyed and tell me that if I was just going to do it half-assed, then I shouldn't try at all. So I learned to never... EVER... let anybody watch me do anything (eat, sleep, make a sandwich, do laundry, etc...). I would always do stuff in stealth mode, and would report back on the fact that it was done.

So needless to say, I am not okay with taking constructive criticism- in real-time or in hindsight. For about the first year and a half to two years, this is how my therapy operated... I would tell her what the problem was, she would comment on it, and I would come back the next week and update her on some realization I had come to within that week (I wrote in my journal damn-near nightly at that point). But there was no "us" or "team" or her "helping me" or me "feeling" anything. I was shut off to feeling or doing or saying anything in her presence that I hadn't predetermined... and I didn't bring up any issues that I felt like I didn't understand. I've gotten a bit better about all that, but i still can't say "wow" in the moment... I can't tell her when I'm touched by something she's said or done until wayyy afterward... I just don't want her to watch me feel or interpret because I'm afraid she won't like how I'm doing it or she'll be upset or disappointed or... (oh, I just thought of this!) OR maybe it's that I'm afraid she'll find out that I really have no idea what the fuck I'm doing when I'm trying to let myself feel... like when I was a kid, doing adult things, not ever sure if it was right or not so I never let anyone see...?!? Maybe THAT's why i feel so inadequate, because feeling vulnerable enough to let her see me means she'll see how much of me is just "guessing" and hoping...? Idk if I'm making ANY sense here, but I'm just trying to process...

Sooo I guess this is where I am... I want her to help me, and I want to do this work WITH her- and I believe that she wants to help me. But I don't want her to see the work that I do or the mistakes that I make because I'm afraid of letting on that I have no real clue as to what I'm doing... However, I can't GET A CLUE about what I'm doing unless she helps me, but she can't really help me if she DOESN'T see the work I do or the mistakes that I make...



-CT