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A poem inspired by my T - my inner child: from despair to hope, she rejoices

evaevaMember
Hope it's ok to post a poem here?

I wrote this last year after I'd been seeing my T for a few months. I wrote it to symbolise my inner child having a sense of safety. For months I'd been having repeated flashbacks to an event (where the actual trauma hasn't revealed itself yet) where in the aftermath, I literally put myself in my bedroom cupboard, curled up in the corner and shut the door, beside myself with overwhelming fear, abandonment and horror. I feel whatever happened that day, a part of my spirit died.

Part of me stayed in that cupboard for the next 30 years; and this poem reflects the day that after a T session (when I was in the car and safely far enough away, nonetheless ) she felt safe enough to not only emerge from her hiding place, but to dance and skip with joy.


[WARNING -It's very bleak in parts but it gets better Smiler ]

It symbolises my life journey - of being born with a heart full of love; expresses a child's ever-forgiving and never-ending hope that 'things will get better'; of how a child can continue to love even those that abuse her; but that despite the child-like love and pure heart, some things can leave it almost irreparable. But that it is possible to pluck up the courage and search again for something - someone - to trust to help you to rebuild and restore it.

A Little Heart

There is nothing more precious
Than a little heart
Yet to be broken
It knows no hardness

A little heart
Filled with love and promises
That will never be broken
No matter what

A little heart
So very full
Of ferocious loyalty
So fierce, it burns!

A little heart
So vulnerable
It knows no fear,
It knows no limitations

A little heart
Broken over and over again
But still, it loves
Unconditionally

A little heart lost,
Confused and bewildered;
Alone, cold and afraid,
It has no more to give

A little heart cries
It has nowhere to go
Nowhere else to turn
No one to love or repair it

A little heart broken
Shattered and crushed
Torn apart and ripped apart,
Into an irreparable state

A little heart
No longer recognisable
Forever shut down
Forever stuck in unbearable pain

A little heart hides
Too scared to move
Too scared too breathe.
Too scared to believe

Too scared to dream

Too scared to hope

Too scared to try

Too scared to beat

A little heart broken;
The pain too great
To stay still forever

A little heart with courage;
It looks and searches
A little heart finds
Bubbles to fill it up

A little heart sings;
Filled with so much hope
It sings til it bursts,
Into a thousand pieces of hope

Eliza J 14/12/13

Wanted to post it today because it is how I'm feeling right now - my session with my T yesterday; of my inner child truly feeling heard and validated and her pain and fear acknowledged - has left her coming out of the cupboard once more and skipping with joy and warmth - she feels so safe; safe enough to leave the cupboard and her heart filled with enough bubbles to feel it can be one day fully healed.



It's only the second time ever I've felt this way. It's definitely not an everyday event; no matter how much I trust my T; or feel cared for - it takes some quite extra-ordinary for my inner child to leave that cupboard and feel this safe and loved

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evaevaMember
I really want to be able to tell my T how I feel right now.

I can email her but when I did go to email her I felt paralysed and couldn't type.

I really want her to know she makes a huge difference to me. I often email her when I'm struggling but it's just as scary now at the thought of emailing her as to the positive feelings I have towards her.

I can't work out what I'm afraid of?
evaevaMember
Ok well at the risk of just talking to myself - I did email her.

Turned out to be a very long long email about all the feelings I have about her going away - just listed all 8 / 9 key feelings: fear; guilt; shame; uncertainty; strength; incredulous; but only really expanded on the last two:

1) SAFE

2) VALIDATED.

and how the poem expresses those last two - I told her much more specifically this time how the poem came into being.

I had emailed it to her a few months after I wrote it; briefly mentioning that I'd written it after seeing her one day...

I wasn't brave enough to make it as clear as I wanted too though; and boy did it Hurt like a biartch when she asked "when did you write it". Eeker

Today - I can say I totally made it clear. Told her I've only felt this twice in my life - the 2nd time being last Friday; the 1st time last October - when I'd left a session and THAT is what inspired the poem.

And I'm so proud of myself for adding this bit too: I told her that last time I don't think she picked up on why I wrote it and it kinda HURT, but I couldn't tell her til now

AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD

I specifically asked at the bottom of the email (and "*******" it so she knows it super important!!!) if she could please just send me back a short reply, so I KNOW she 'gets' why I wrote the poem this time, cos it leaves me feeling pretty exposed

I'm feeling hopeful she WILL get it this time and acknowledge it. I'd really like her to know seeing her helps me so much and is making a HUGE difference.

I hope my poem makes it clear to her that is is about HER and feeling SAFE ENOUGH to trust her to help me heal.
evaevaMember
Aww thank you for a reply SB..

It does - feel incredibly risky. I've worked out that it's just as damn scary letting someone know how I feel about them because in the last, it's been used against me - I've been emotionally manipulated as a direct result of expressing my love / care for a person. My mother would use my love and loyalty for her against me all the time; putting me in terrible situations where I had to 'prove' my love for her by allowing myself to suffer so SHE would feel better Frowner

I've also had it used against me in the mental health system. I know they were 'trying' to 'help' but it damaged me greatly. Once when I had a strong attachment to a psych nurse, it was used to 'motivate' me - if I didn't do x y z; OR I 'went backwards' I wouldn't get to see her one to one. Problem was, my 'going backwards' was beyond my control much of the time (I'd been misdiagnosed as having BPD; in reality I had PTSD). expressing I felt suicidal / had self harm thoughts was viewed as me 'attention seeking' and would result in NOT getting support.

Can't begin to tell you how much damage that does to a person.

I was able to tell my T how expressing this there is still a part in me afraid she will use it against me to hurt me at some point or to try to manipulate me. Overall I do trust her - it will take a lot of time and reappeared positive experiences to fully trust her 100%.

For the main, right is I'm feeling very positive about my email. I feel filled with love and care and am happy I've been able to express it to her. I also know from experience, this can change; as I swing from feeling happy to vulnerable and bake and forth a few hundred times.
evaevaMember
She's Definitely the best I've seen in 20 years - I'm coming to realise how VITAL it is to not just have a T "experienced" with trauma therapy; but one who really knows what they are doing!!!

other Ts have read or might be aware of the trauma of abandonment and the huge sensitivities around it but its very VERY different to when a T REALLY knows and can do her job in such a way it minimizes further trauma. It wasn't until I got to know my current T that how previous Ts really did not know or 'get it'. They knew the words and could 'talk the talk' but weren't able to 'walk the walk' through it WITH me like this T does.

got a automated email reply - my T is 'on leave' until the 15th, so might not get my email before I see her this coming Friday (the email I use is for her main job elsewhere). Its ok, at least if I don't hear back I know why and wont take it personally Smiler and it feels safer actually, knowing there will be distance between my having sent it and her reading it!
evaevaMember
Awwww thank you daggers

I do have a lot of poems from years and years ago. Mainly to do with my mother / the abuse.

This poem was the first is written in about 15 plus years though. Mainly because until 3 years ago, I had a long long period (12 or so years) without PTSD - I wasn't in touch with the trauma / intense feelings.

Getting better killed my creativity - but it was a good payoff really!!!

But here is a short one, that many might relate to - to do with the feelings we have towards out Ts (this was written for / about the nurse I experienced strong maternal transference with 2 decades ago now since I wrote it)

............

For Barbi

I wish I could have one of your hugs framed,
Som I could hang it upon my wall;
To possess such a precious gift,
Would stop me feeling so scared and small.

Whenever I'd see the picture -
I'd remember how safe it would feel;
Ito be given a hug, that warms the heart
And helps the cold pain heal.

[ElizaJ 1994).

Last edited by eva
evaevaMember
Awww chucks Daggers and Jung

My T emailed me back - quite a lengthy email by her standards - it went 6 lines lol Big Grin

she said she was glad I'd been able to let her know my feelings about her going away. She was sorry she missed the significance of my poem the first time, but is glad I'm beginning to trust her AND "to be able to emerge a little from such a place of terror is big, real courage!"

First time she's ever said something like that, so that was awesome . She even used an exclamation mark - first for that too (she's usually pretty reserved - it's her personality - doesn't let on much as to how she's feeling - it's a cultural thing I think haha)

my anxiety has been really bad the last 2 days. I don't ow if it's cos she is going away or cos I shared the poem, or something else brewing (or a combo of all 3).

I'm glad I told her how I felt and so super glad she got the poem and it's significance.

She never said how she felt reading it - I HOPE it made her feel warm and special, even just for a minute. Sigh. Guess I won't ever know that :-/
skylynxskylynxMember
Hurray for you, ElizaJ for having the courage to open your heart to T. I read your posts of recent and was in suspense about your email to her, wondering if the T would come across and give you an encouraging answer before she leaves. I'm so glad she did! I don't have to be mad at her now, as I was getting there, on your behalf. I don't have the nerve to email my T yet, tho I learned recently that she takes emails. I don't even know what it is.
evaevaMember
Thanks Affinity....

I felt really (!!!!!!) Awkward and weirded out emailing her at first - mainly when id get a reply. It simply felt TOO INTIMATE. Like she was in my house. Felt dangerously close. Now, most of the time I can open her email but sometimes if I'm feeling particularly vulnerable I cant open it for hours and hours. Most of the time I will skim it first - if it feels too intense I will wait til I can read it properly.

my T doesn't do ph calls - but I couldn't cope with that for the same reason - hearing her voice right in my ear would feel too close - and dangerous. Maybe its similar for you? Fear of the connection at a more personal level OUTSIDE the usual context (ie not in the office)?

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