((((BLT))))

You are NOT crazy. He sounds controlling and unreasonable. It doesn't sound like you were doing anything bothersome at all and, yes, to me it sounds like he is picking fights with you. Does he come from a dysfunctional background?

BLT,

I also thought it could be that you resent him being home when you would normally have the house to yourself? And he picks up on the tension and picks a fight with you?

I know I resent when anyone in my family is home when they should be at school or work.

Just throwing that out there. It seems the tension could start with either one of you and the issue of the milk and computer is a red herring.

((BLT)) Yea, he may be picking fights if it's "little stuff" breaking out in to something more. T has talked to me a bit about that, and jokes when she's seen her H do it, and that we all do it from time to time.

Your H sounds a bit like me... When I was in a relationship and had my stressful old job where I was in front of people or surrounded by people all day I was chronically tired. I'd get sick and run down so much easier and it was almost on a predictable cycle. I'd cry in the morning going to work because I was going to be near people again all day, and then when I'd be at home working I'd have a short fuze. Anything and everything would annoy me - like if my ex's dogs were barking, or even if the AC was too loud. I was on sensory overload, unhappy and then when I "finally" would get a chance to "unwind" I was still wound up. It's like I built up all this rage during the week and exhaustion and resentment for the entire human race.... and it would have nowhere to go because I couldn't get "alone" enough. I'm an extreme example of an introvert.

So, I'm not sure what personality type your H is... but if he's a desperate introvert... he may need more time alone during the week, or to be left completely alone when he's at work. I know that's how I liked it if my ex was home while I was working - for me to be in my own room. Being in my own room would also allow me to F-off a little if I wanted to without fear of being "judged". I do a job where I wait for programs while they do publishing, and being home I could run it to publish and then go read some online news. Even if I'd be asked sweetly if I'd want something it was sometimes too much interaction for me. Since living alone and stopping the public speaking aspect of my job, I'm a much happier person. I had to stop the speaking and my quality of life went up ten fold.

I leave my office building for a walk every single day and if I don't, at the end of the day I'm exhausted. With the complaining, and sleeping, and with you saying he needs to be alone and is skipping out on work a lot... he may need his home days to be completely alone or be alone for periods at a time. Sorry if this is completely off the mark, but he sounds VERY overwhelmed. I'd assume it means he needs something (to exercise, or eat better, or time alone, or a hobby, or a new job, or something to look forward to... etc).

It's so toxic for him to be treating you how he is and taking stuff out on you. It sounds like he's pushing you away and using it as an excuse to get sleep as the only respite from whatever is going on.

Thanks, Liese.

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Does he come from a dysfunctional background?

Yeah, I think that would be fair to say.

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I also thought it could be that you resent him being home when you would normally have the house to yourself? And he picks up on the tension and picks a fight with you?

That could also be true. I would also prefer him to be at work so I could have the house to myself, especially given how wound up and irritable he can be when he is doing work.

Cat, thanks for your reply. Yes he is an introvert and he even said today that at work there can be too much activity around his cube and he wishes he had somewhere very quiet to work. Since our house is pretty small, there's really nowhere he can work here and have complete privacy, either. I have empathy about this, and yes I know he's very overwhelmed. I just wish he would be more proactive at managing his stress in ways other than taking it out on me. He doesn't really have any self-care habits at all except that he generally eats reasonably well.

I wish he would be more proactive too!! Ugh. If he doesn't need wireless (or if he can go on public wifi) the library, a park, a hole in the wall coffee shop, etc might be a good place to work from. I'm sorry he's not dealing with his stuff. FWIW it took me a long time to change and find what worked.

(((BLT)))

Does he have any friends at work? Could not feeling connected to his coworkers be the reason he didn't go to the work picnic? Maybe he gets grumpy when he is faced with the reality that he doesn't feel connected with others but can't sort it out in connection with how he feels about himself and so isolates himself when confronted with the types of situations that will trigger those feelings?

Of course, all just speculation but it could explain his negative moods when he works at home.

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Once we get into a fight, usually he complains that he has "no choice" but to keep talking about it, but he never actually asks me if we could talk about it later. He further complains that I have no respect for the work he has to get done.

Other people have made some really good points. The above paragraph stood out for me because of the 'no choice' comment and also what you said later about self-care habits. I'd hazard a guess that your H perhaps hasn't had an optimal experience or a good template from his FOO for how to get his needs met in a mutual way. Perhaps he's learned that squashing them down is how you get by and cannot be assertive unless driven to by his own irritation or anger, by which point it's not conveyed in a fair or rational way? But that of course breeds anger and resentment when the needs inevitably don't get met (because he's not communicating them and is instead operating from a wished-for place where he's hoping unconsciously that someone will anticipate and meet them for him). Dunno if that makes any sense to you; I'm writing more from my gut than anything more rational.

Funnily enough, I know that when I write assignments I often wind up picking a fight with Mr Mallard, much as I hate to admit it. The function of the fight is complex but it ultimately means I avoid the assignment for the duration and aftermath of the fight, which means I'm avoiding something that causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. The second element to this is I know that when I am dealing with specific stress that really pushes my buttons then this takes away from my ability to respond to situations from my hard-learned adult place. Instead, I'm more likely to revert to old (read passive!) strategies to try and get what I need and I'm more likely to operate from a position of perceived powerlessness, which isn't really true. It just feels like it is.

You have to watch those cereal critics. My first fight with H after we got married was the first weekend back from the honeymoon. We were eating breakfast together and he was upset because I was throwing away a bag of grape nuts that still had some powdery remnants at the bottom. He said it was wasteful not to eat them. I thought he was nuts.

I still think he's nuts, but guess who has changed their habits? Yeah. No pulverized cereal wasted around here.

I give you another two years before you start draining that milk in the bottom of your bowl, BLT. Normal humans don't stand much chance against that level of OCD.

P.S. I hope you prove me wrong.

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Normal humans don't stand much chance against that level of OCD.

Oh HIC, say it ain't so!