The death of my husabnd's grandmother has kicked off a pretty gnarly spin cycle for me... it started with sadness and grief... like 'in the moment grief'. it was weird. I never cried at a funeral until this last time... not my mom's or grandmother's (those two were about 3 months apart). It was kinda nice to be able to cry about my husband's grandmother, because I really did like her. But when I started telling my t about it all, we talked about how there was some really old grief that was coming out too, how all of this stuff from other losses just started pouring out. And then that made me upset because I didn't want to cry for my mom... she doesn't deserve my tears, you know? And as I've mentioned here before, my t made the legitimate point that my tears are for me, not my mom.
Well that sounded nice and all, until I got to the point that I realized that I don't want to cry for me. In my head, I don't deserve it either. I can't feel sorry for myself or tell myself that all the shit in my life matters enough for me to sit and cry about. I can cry about sad stuff that happens to other people, but when I start to internalize it, all my negative, anti-fear voices kick in and tell me to shut up, stop making a big deal, etc etc etc. I've told my t this as I was a little disturbed that my tears stopped as soon and I found out they might be for me. I told her she "broke my crier" lol.
Since my crying has stopped, I've been getting angrier and angrier. I only ever get angry at myself because in my head, everything always comes back to what I'm not doing well enough- so the buck stops with me, as does the responsibility. Well, when I get like that, I stop all self-care measures and only motivate myself with anger- ie "get the fuck up and get your shit together!" instead of "I really would like to lie in bed all day, but it would probably be wise to get up." Plus, the anger gives me the rush of adrenaline I need to get through the next task. It makes it so much easier to 'will myself' to do something if I'm mean to myself. I don't know where to get energy from if I don't berate myself!?!
Anyway, I was starting to get angrier and angrier, seeing everything that I WASN'T accomplishing. To make matters worse, my husband thought it would be a GREAT time to talk to me about not doing my share around the house... ummmm bad timing? THEN I made a fairly large mistake at work that caught the attention of my boss... that was the final straw. I lost it. I called my t telling her that being nice to myself was bullshit and that it wasn't going to work. I told her that I wanted to cut so that I could freaking focus and get all my shit done... that I couldn't make it work any other way. **insert angry child-in-an-adult-body tantrum here**
My t and I exchanged a few voicemails, and she was really sweet, telling me that she heard me and that she didn't want me to hurt myself and that she knew I was exhausted (between my full time job, my husband, my house, 12 hours (four classes) at school, therapy, little sleep and those little things called family and friends, I'm a weeeeeee bit overwhelmed...). She told me that she had been up really late the night before because their toilet had broken and leaked everywhere, and that she felt like shit the whole day... and she didn't know how I could physically do what I do and keep the late hours I keep because she felt awful and couldn't imagine that I felt any better... she actually goes "When you get home from class tonight, I want you to just go to bed!" I did go to bed early that night- because she told me to- and I did feel a little better the next day. And I actually managed not to cut too, and I'm pretty glad about that.
My t's been asking some tough questions lately- like, when I said I just wanna be mean to myself for the rest of this semester and then I'll work on taking care of myself (lol like that EVER works) she busted out with "saying 'just one more time' isn't okay because it's never going to end. if not now, when? This is something you said you wanted to change before you become a mother (which God willing won't be anytime soon, but still). Your children will treat themselves the way you treat yourself, and I know you don't want to teach them to treat themselves like this."
I guess that's when I made the connection that I treat me the way my mother treated herself. And i hate that. I hate that I'm anything like her... and I guess it made me really fight the urge to cut... since I haven't done it in a while and I don't want to be cutting on myself for the rest of my life. You know, several years ago, when I was in high school, I had just moved out of my parent's house and my mother found a poem I had written about cutting (it had been going on for years and no one ever noticed until i fucking MOVED OUT... all because I forgot to take one of my stashes of poems?!). Anyway, she hostily confronted me about it on the phone one day- told me how angry my father was with me- and proceeded to say "well, have you ever tried taking a shower so hot that it burns you? I do that sometimes." Well that's some fucked up attempt at mother daughter bonding if you ask me! And I don't want to be that way with my future kids. I don't want to be that dysfunctional- overtly or subtly. I want to model responsible choices and a healthy lifestyle... so I guess that's what helped me get through the urge to cut this time... I even carried a razor around with me for a while, waiting for a "good time" but I just never did it.
I'm really sleepy and should be off to bed, just wanted to write for a bit. Still pretty worried about work... my boss is considering hiring another person to work with me, but I'm really scared to say "I can't do my job." But part of me thinks that I've been doing more than one person's share of the work and my boss is just now seeing that... that my duties can't be taken care of in 35-40 hours a week! That might be why I've been feeling so buried there... like I can't get ahead.... maybe we do need help, but I just hate that. I feel like I'm failing and sucking at my job. I feel like I'm fucking up in just ONE MORE area of my life and it's defeating. I sure would like to think that it's the workload that's the issue, but part of me really thinks it's me. Idk what to do about that, but I don't have to figure it out tonight!
-CT