I'm in a really different position than many others on here. I never call, have never called, even when I probably should have. And emails are just to keep him up to date on what's coming up for me (recently, it is just the variety of reactions to our recent sessions), so although I send them, they're more so he's in the loop about what my brain is doing on the stuff we've been discussing, what stuff he says/does that is helpful, where I was confused or conflicted. I never get a response for those outside of session, when we discuss them.

However, T encourages me regularly to text him, even just to connect when it feels like he has disappeared off the face of the planet. In fact, at the end of last night's session, when I was having the usual internal battle about leaving (dragging the kids out the door), he showed me his phone and reminded me that my texting is welcome. I told him I hated it and he said he really likes it and we both acknowledged that some parts of me do too. So, even though there are real life triggers causing me to need to check in, most of the contact we do is, "Ack, this is going on and I just need to know you're there!" or just sharing where I'm at.

I've learned to be very clear when I just need somewhere to express myself vs needing to hear back that we're still connected. It has been working really well that way for the most part. He used to direct me to God everytime I was freaking out (my T's version of "use your skills"), but it felt so much like being pushed away that it was counter-productive when the reason I was needing to connect was to know that he was out there. It's not that he doesn't mention God at all anymore, but in the context of "I'm here and God is carrying us through" whatever is going on.

Anyway, my T is super-encouraging of attachment, it seems. In fact, he said as much, literally last night. I don't always know if that is good or bad. Ironically, the more I have allowed myself to be OK with it, the less I feel panicked and dependent (and then angry and resistant to those feelings right after) and the less I really seem to need in response. I'm not freaking out about whether or when he is going to respond. If I've asked for a response, I know I'll get one eventually...if not, then I don't need one. I'm more able to go about my day after sending my thoughts and feelings. Ironically, it is when I try to fight against the attachment that I cause so much havoc inside and end up becoming even MORE needy and dependent.

I don't think this is necessarily helpful, because your T obviously has different boundaries than mine does. It would be nice if she would clarify what those are a little better for you. I know it would be hard for me to feel safe to reach out after the experiences you've had and especially without clarity on what her boundaries are. What I do when I'm in your position is usually text my T: "_________ happened and I'm freaking out, anxious, etc." then explain the things I am already doing to deal with it on my own (praying, verses that are helping me wait through the feelings, reaching out to support network if it's a safety thing, journaling, etc.), and let him know it would also be helpful to just know he is there when he gets a chance. That seems to work really well for me. I still feel like I am handling it, utilizing all my resources, including T and all it really takes from him in response is five minutes to read my texts, pray for me or whatever, and send, "Still here!" or something that reassures me on that account.

Sorry for the long explanation. It took me months to sort out how it could work for me and sometimes I still get in a really resistant mood and kind of reboot the whole process by refusing to connect for several days out of stubbornness regarding not wanting to attach.

My T often tells me to call if I need to. She hasn't specified for me what "need" means, but I like that because I like being trusted to define it myself.

For me so far, it's been fairly easy to determine if I need to call or not. Occasionally I get sooo lost in my anxiety or in an urge to do something self destructive that it's like I *can't* (or I think I can't) work myself out of it alone. I need a calm human voice to coax me back into a stable frame of mind. For awhile this was happening about once a week, and when it happened I would call either my best friend or my T. I don't feel bad about calling during those times and neither my friend nor T has ever guilted me for it, although that is something I worried about at first, lol.

Lately I haven't been getting to that scary place as much, so I haven't been calling T because I feel everything else that's come up has been something that could safely wait.

I can see how it could be tricky decision to make though, since it's all about defining need, and no one is stepping up to define it for us.

Hope you make a decision you are comfortable with and that will be best for you, broken illusions!

Sending wishes for strength and wisdom,
heldincompassion

Thanks everyone. I agree, I am probably just at a point in my anxiety where I know I can handle it and can definitely wait until our next session. I just feel upset about the whole birthday thing and want to reach out to her. I think it's because of the attachment, and I feel like she's been so supportive of everything that I know she'd comfort me and tell me it's okay to be upset.

I am confused about when I can call. I have tried talking to her about the boundaries, but she doesn't really say anything. I told her last week that I almost called--and she just kind of skipped over it.

I know that I am doing good with handling things on my own most of the time, but sometimes when I feel a little shaky I want to reach out to her.

Most of the time when I want to call my T--I just miss her. I know that's the case. AND that does not really warrant a phone call. She'd probably be pissed.

As a DBT counselor she's never expressed more contact. I don't know if that's because she's my individual T or not. Also, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and that makes attachment/abandonment issues arise which T knows I have and wants me to use my DBT skills when I can't cope.

Well, I tend to rely heavily on contact with my T throughout the week. I'm thinking that she considers it a skill to reach out when I need to. She doesn't mind the contact and encourages it, but every T is different and no two approaches are going to be the same.

Also, I'm in a fragile place where I am facing some very serious health issues every time I continue to engage in my eating disorder. This could be why she encourages me to reach out rather than do the ED stuff. If my health weren't so much at risk, I think it could be possible that she would encourage me to rely less on her and more on my self, but I dunno. I am only speculating.

I actually think its a good thing your T encourages you to use your skills, even though I am sure that feels like rejection/abandonment on some level, i think its her way of making sure you don't become dependent on her. I have often felt like my T has created a situation where I feel dependent on her by allowing and encouraging me to text throughout the day. I sometimes secretly wish she would cut me off cold turkey because I've tried cutting back without much success on my own.

However, I do think you should be able to reach out to your T when you are genuinely in a crisis and know that she will be there for you with open arms. So its really a delicate balance. I hope your T is able to give you more clear terms about when it is okay to text and when it is not.

Hi BI,
I would definitely email but the reason I say that is partially based on the fact that my T explicitly welcomes contact between sessions. He realizes that the need for an attachment figure can rise up at any tme, so he encouraged me to call or email whenever I thought it necessary. A lot of our phone calls were under three minutes and consisted of me saying, I just needed to know you were there and him saying he was there and he understood why I needed to call. But some of the phone calls or emails were longer and would deal with a specific thing I had hit that didn't feel like it could wait until the next session.
My T has pretty clear boundaries around contact. I can email anytime I want to but I only get a response if I ask for one (and sometimes not then, email is not his strong suite) BUT if I call his service and leave an emergency message he calls back within an hour (even if it's only to set up another time to talk). He never put any limit on how often I called or emailed. My very worst week was three phone calls and two emails between weekly sessions but most often I would contact him once between sessions. He also made it clear that it was ok to call anytime of night or day although I used to try to contact him during office hours and at least before 9 PM if I was calling later. He told me that he was comfortable holding his boundaries and that if I called or emailed too much, he would talk to me about it. NOT because he would be upset but because if the frequency got really high it would be an indication that it wasn't helping and we should figure out something else. That never once happened and actually on a number of occasions he told me I did a good job respecting the boundaries. He used to actually joke about my patented 1 minute phone calls. So an emergency wasn't about something dire going on, it was just me feeling a need to connect and know he was there. Even now that I don't have a regular appointment I am still welcome to call or phone whenever I need to (I emailed him yesterday morning to tell him I was getting a tooth extracted and might call later ) My T knew that the best way to keep down the frequency of contact was to allow me to contact him (btw, that included vacations, although it could take him longer to return my calls.) Knowing that I could was often enough reassurance that I didn't need to call.
Bottom line, I think you should talk to your T about this. Tell her how you were feeling and that you were struggling with whether or not to call and could she help you out with some guidelines. How you react to those boundaries and what you feel like you need from her is important theraputic information.
AG

Hey BI,

I would definitely dump it all in an email. If you want T to answer - tell her you would like a response. T should recognise that this is a stressful issue for you and you need to make the link with her to help cope.

I do this via email and it helps me. Sometimes T answers - sometimes not. Then I might print it and bring it next time, or T has printed it and we discuss what went on. If nothing else it gives T a warning of what is going on.

While I get that T's cannot be truly on call 24-7, my feeling is that they still need to provide some method of being more or less available when you can't cope. IMO, a T that can't handle any in-between session contact with any client at all is in the wrong business. I hope that doesn't offend some of you whose T's have such a strict policy, that's just my own feelings. However, a T ought to be able to set reasonable limits so there is a sane balance. Some T's do phone calls, some don't. Some do email, some don't. Some prefer text. Some are better able than others to squeeze you in for extra sessions. But for a person with BPD and attachment injury, I think its vitally important for you to experience your T as available in some capacity when you really need her. I wouldn't go to a T for attachment problems if that T was stone-cold untouchable between sessions.

Oh, and to answer your question, BI, I can text my T as much as I want to without having to justify it to her. It doesn't matter if its just because I miss her. But I can't actually call her unless its a "true, bonefide emergency" which is subject to her interpretation. That's her parameters.

Mad Hatter,

I swear I thought that T's were used to providing outside contact. But, not this T. She's completely overwhelmed by it... or something. I am frustrated by it, but I am willing to have a talk tomorrow about everything and try to settle this once and for all.

I LOVE that you can text T and not have to justify. I feel like I can't make any form of outside communication without justifying my actions. Oh well.

Thanks so much for your response!

Broken

I email mine from time to time more so I can get something that is bothering me clear and if I send it off, I will quit thinking about it. I usually try just writing it down to see if that gets it calm, but if not, and I need to function I send it off because I figure she does not even have to read it, but at least it is not with me anymore. Sometimes she will respond, but I usually do not want her to and if I do, I say so. I only call for scheduling matters and I hate texting in general so I do not do that at all.