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16 replies

A Wall I Can Not Scale

T tasMember
Thank you to each of you who have PMed me to encourage and ask how progress is going in therapy. I appreciate you taking time to express your care and concern.

I am really confused right now. I had a session with the Therapist yesterday...just to catch you up on the happenings...he called me after the last session a couple of weeks ago and told me he was going to be out of the office for the following appt.

I do not do well with last minutes changes...no warning...no nothing. I began to panic as to how I was going to make it for two weeks without any contact...I asked him to call me...more for reassurance...I saw he called and was hoping it would be something encouraging...he basically said in a nutshell, "Someone cancelled for the 15th and I will give you the appointment based on this condition...no texting, no calling..." I was hoping he would say, "You can do this. I believe in you." I didn't want an appointment, I needed encouragement.

So, I did not text or call, mostly because I feel he doesn't want me. He asked how I thought it was going to be from here on out and I told him I honestly did not know. I didn't know how I was going to continue when I feel he doesn't want me. It's like I can't get past this. I feel he doesn't want me and I told him if I can make it 167 hours a week on my own...I can do one more hour a week on my own.

He said he hoped I would continue with therapy. At the end of the time, he said, the session is almost over...I put on my sunglasses to hide the tears...I got out into the courtyard and started sobbing because it proved my point all the more...I was alone to deal with the pain and he couldn't be there for me...

He said the texting and phone calls are symbolic of something I want and yet can not have...I told him I felt he was cruel and mean when he sees how much it is bothering me to withhold them...he gave the analogy of parents with children...children cry wanting the parents to come...but they need to comfort themselves and put themselves to sleep at night without the parents coming in and holding them all the time...

I told him it is okay if I stop coming to Therapy...it doesn't mean I am a failure...it just means I couldn't get past the pain...it takes my breath away...

He said the pain would be intense but it would eventually lessen and then the work could begin on the core issues that cause the pain...

I am having a hard time separating him FROM the transference. I don't know how to do that. In my mind, he IS all that I am feeling. It is very real and even though I say, "It's not him..." I feel it is.

I am very confused and just don't know how to proceed. If anyone has any insight into this, I would truly appreciate it.

I have spent almost 2 years working on trust, etc. I don't want to start all over with anyone else. If I leave therapy, I know I will not go see another counselor. I am a very private person and do not want my personal business known by another person in this world.

I know it is not his fault, and I truly believe that. He is doing what he feels he needs to do for my best interest. I totally understand. I just feel I have come up against a wall I can not scale.

He asked me to think about it and keep my next appointment and we could discuss it then. What is overwhelming everything is feeling he doesn't want me. So, how can I do work with him if I feel he doesn't want me? When I feel this, it stirs up so much in me that I can not even speak.

I think I have reached the point where I truly realize I can not or am not able to do this. I have been telling myself it is okay...
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muffmuffMember
Tas, take your time about it. Telling your story is one thing, but feeling it is another. That "wall" of emotion can cause confusion, and many other unwanted feelings to emerge from our past. I suspect your therapist will know to back off a little until you are ready to tackle that wall. When your ready.
greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Hey Tas,

If your feelings aren't about T (as you've acknowledged) then who are they about? It might be important to try and work that out on an intellectual and cognitive level to make the feelings that little bit easier to bear.

I know you feel like he doesn't want you, but perhaps its more you feel like your parents didn't want you and you don't want you. Self rejection and self hatred are awful feelings to know about. If you can't put words to the feelings, maybe put tears instead and see if that helps to get words flowing. It is awful when they can't be there for you when you're in such tremendous pain. but you can be there for you and you have us here for support as well.

My advice would be to continue, to research ways of self soothing abandonment feelings (personally I find curling up in bed, a hot cup of tea or hot chocolate, chicken soup, hugs with DH, getting outside, writing, texting friends and writing on the forums here really helpful but you need to find your own methods that work for you). It is very, very hard what you are doing and I can completely resonate with reaching places that seem insurmountable. You absolutely can do this Tas

xx
T tasMember
Thank you Muff and Green Eyes.

I think I just need to accept that I can never have what I truly want...life has not afforded me the opportunity to have a mother or a father...I just need to accept it and move on.

Thank you for your encouragement. Isn't it funny the things life exacts from us? There is never a question as to whether we can handle it or not. Life takes and expects us to hold the line when the expectation is too much.

T.
A aMember
Tas,
I would encourage you also to continue. Alot of Ts do not allow outside contact exceppt for appointment issues and the occassional emergency. Only one of my providers allows for outside contact and its mainly email, With some telephone. But I try hard not to go overboard.
He still cares,I think all Ts struggle how to be there fully be there for thier clients.
S scars09Member
Tas, my counsellor does not like to to text, I want to all the time, and what really hurt the last time I did was his reply. He replied very nicely but then he used this phrase "again we should be discussing this in session". The use of the word again cut me right down, hurt me so much, felt like a child being told off. But he is right, things should be discussed in session, doesn't help the hurt though but I have to understand that I cannot have what I want. I have been told I that I had emotional neglect growing up, 2 parents were there physically but not emotionally, so he is showing me he cares and he listens and I want it all the time, very difficult to handle and I am trying to deal with it.

Hang in there.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TAS))) I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to want with someone what they are unable to give. I think he's doing what he thinks is best and I can't honestly tell whether it is or not, but I do believe he cares and wants what is best for you. It's not a way I could probably do the sort of work I'm doing right now, not being able to check in and make sure the connection is still there and safe. I probably never would have gotten to the point of attaching and opening up to share some of this stuff. Then again, I'm not there in the room, so I can't really say what is best. I frequently wonder if my own T has done me a disservice and I will be too dependent on him forever... Confused
catalystcatalystMember
quote:
he gave the analogy of parents with children...children cry wanting the parents to come...but they need to comfort themselves and put themselves to sleep at night without the parents coming in and holding them all the time...


TAS - this sounds exactly to the letter what my adjunct therapist believes about attachment. I do still want to encourage you to continue, but I'm surprised your T didn't work more on the relationship first (though, I'm unsure how long you have been with him). The "let your children cry it out" thing really caused a lot of attachment difficulties according to my T who holds the philosophy that if you cannot KNOW how to self-sooth until it is taught to your nervous system - which can be done through a great T relationship, and it can be done with stringent contact boundaries. I can only actually hear from my therapist if I need her 12hrs a day for 3 days per week. That's it. No text, no email, I can leave voicemails but no call backs if she's not working. But despite it, we have built a wonderful relationship where I am learning that implicit calming stuff.

This is just my opinion, as not all therapy works like this... but I think the let them cry it out thing is a total crock. It's a cultural thing, where particularly in the "western world" and in the USA predominantly we have this idea of being independent as the best thing to be. Not dependent, not interdependent but wholly self-able. That's not how actual societies work or have worked in the past. Think of a tribe... where they sort of all share stuff and they are basically tied to their Mom for years - those people still grow up to be productive contributors to their group. If I have children I plan on having full physical contact with them, including sleep for their infancy because it will build a child who learns the world is safe, who develops their nervous system in a way where they learn self-regulation etc... instead of abandoning them to scream their head off, enter despair... and learn that their caregiver is only occasionally available, or maybe never... maybe not spending enough time that they have even a foggy clue what their kid needs. I barely like sleeping alone in the dark and I'm 30-something.

Plenty of kids made it just fine out of the 'leave them to cry' era, just as T2 will somehow help people with attachment difficulties with her extreme fear of "dependency". Once you can rely on someone I think you implicity learn. An example I can give is teaching my brother how to ride his bike... I held on to the back so he wouldn't fall, when I did let go I'd pick him up when he did fall, and I'd run behind him until he said let go... and then he spent so much of his childhood getting out of the stress of our home riding his bike. Anyway, I think I'm on a soapbox...

But, I'm sorry about your Ts out of contact policy - it's okay to have a really rigid contact policy like that I'm just - from my own personal and uneducated view - disappointed he compared it to just letting a baby cry.
E ericaMember
I really think Cat is right. In my opinion, you cannot expect someone to know how to self-soothe until you've taught them how to. This occurs in the safety of the therapeutic relationship, over time. The client needs to feel safe and secure within the relationship. This is SO important! You can't be expected to do this, to have these skills, unless you've been given the space to attach to someone who, for a period of time, helps you soothe yourself. You have to internalize the care, the soothing.

TAS, I'm really sorry, but I do not agree with your T. I'm also quite disappointed he used the analogy of letting a baby cry it out. Not okay, in my opinion. It just seems like your T is not being flexible enough to meet your needs. And I'm not talking crazy, out of control needs. I'm talking basic, fundamental needs to any therapy. You have to feel safe and cared for, or else the therapy will fail. I just don't think your T gets this.

I'm sorry if I'm too forceful or whatever. But from reading your posts, it just doesn't seem like he's a good fit for you. Obviously I am not in the room and I don't know the whole situation. This is just my humble opinion. I'm sorry for you that you've been through this difficult situation, TAS. Maybe you need a break from T. But I wouldn't write it off forever. There are good Ts out there!
T tasMember
Thank you for your replies...I did call him today and asked him to reconsider before I come in on Wednesday. If he still says No, then I truly have to go. When you feel someone does not want you...it is hard to open up to that person.

I did tell him that I would have to go because I can not bear the feeling of not being wanted. When I told him this in session he said I will know he wants me the more I keep coming back and he is there...

Maybe I am too broken for this whole process. I have a hard time being trusting or talking, sharing myself...and I know it is due to my past...I won't put that on the Therapist...

I have done just about everything short of getting on my hands and knees and begging him to allow outside contact...even if it is just to touch base once a week...I told him this is the last time I will ask and I hope he reconsiders before the appt on Wednesday...if not, I can't do this anymore.

I am not a bad person and I would not consider myself a needy person. I am fiercely independent...yet when it comes to him I feel I need the outside contact to know that he really is in this for the long haul...

He is a good Therapist...I just know I can not continue as long as he insists on this boundary. I think one reason I have been able to make it this long is because I knew I could contact him.

Transference or not, I hope he changes his mind. If he doesn't...I will thank you and tell him I must be on my way (He will say this is transference, because I went from foster home to foster home...)

I don't know how else to tell him effectively I need the outside contact. I don't know how much more forthright I can be, either. I have said it to him as honestly as I could do.

I hope he changes his mind, but if he doesn't...it can't be worse than what I am feeling right now.

Thank you guys so much. I have really been hurting over this and I truly appreciate the support.

T.
T tasMember
Green Eyes: I am sorry you did not have a mother or a father...It is difficult to bear and work through the feelings and honestly, I don't want to...and I think him not allowing contact is triggering this whole mess...if he would allow contact...I would not be feeling what I am feeling as intensely...

Ang: Thank you for the encouragement. I am going to try until I feel I absolutely can not continue. I fear I am very close to that point.

Scars09: Did you talk to him about that text and how you felt about it? Or, did you not say anything and let it go?

Anonymously: Thank you Smiler The kind of work I need to do I feel I can't because I am constantly unsure of the connection there...I am glad your Therapist allows contact...

Catalyst: Thank you. I understood what he was trying to say...I just feel utterly alone and wish he could UNDERSTAND how not having outside contact is affecting me...then it seems he doesn't care...

RT: I am glad you found someone else RT Smiler I hope it works out for you. Thank you for your encouragement...

Erica: I don't know why I don't feel safe and secure...I don't think it is him as much as it is the content of experiences...and how much I beat myself up over why I can't handle this the way I have always used to...pushing it aside and moving on...It just keeps coming up...

I am so discouraged...I know that I won't be able to open up to him when I feel so strongly that he doesn't want me...

Smiler I am fighting but I feel as if I am losing.

All the best to each of you Smiler T.
T tasMember
Thank you RT. We will see what he says Wednesday.

A couple of things I have been thinking about since I last posted (I actually took a nap) These things were on my mind when I woke up:

1. If it is transference...the good news is I don't really hate HIM even though I feel as if I do. (I am kind of excited about realizing this...because I feel there is hope that I can continue working with him because my real problem is not him...)

2. If he gave me all the love in the world, offered me all the out of contact via text and phone...it would never be enough to make up for the loss of my parents and childhood.

I don't know how long this clarity will last before the Monster (Negative emotions) comes back...but at least I have a little relief in the moment.

I try to savor every part of it because I know the sand will shift and I will be in the sinking sand...grappling with the tsunami of emotions.

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