Hi Jill,
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond, but this really resonated with me. It can be difficult sorting out what’s coming from where, can’t it? My oldest daughter left for college last year (she’s in her sophomore year now) and had a very difficult time with homesickness and was dealing with a few other major issues as well. It was a very difficult passage for her, and we leaned very heavily on our T for parenting advice (we actually joked around that we had stopped going to couples counseling and were now going to parenting classes. ) It was incredibly triggering for me to watch my daughter leave home. It brought of feelings surrounding so many childhood issues including the support, or lack thereof, that I had when I left home. How easy it had been for me to leave home, because there wasn’t much to miss, my being ready or not to leave therapy, anxiety over what happens to relationships when they stretch over distances, etc. I’m sure you can do the math. Let’s just say my T and I did NOT lack for material during this time.

I remember once talking to my T about the whole need to be special and he told me that every child should have a time where they experience being really special. That within their family they are loved and cherished for who they are, that all the people around them really love them and that they are very important. But even for someone who gets that, there is eventually the loss and adjustment that when they venture into the larger world, that not everyone is going to feel about them the way their family did. It’s a normal grief that everyone experiences in growing up and leaving home. But because I never had that secure base, it was incredibly amplified. I started laughing hysterically and choked out “so are you telling me I’ve been busting my a$$ for two years, so I could have “normal” problems?” He started laughing, and said yeah, pretty much.

So here’s the thing about being our age and facing an empty nest. It can be a difficult transistion for anyone, even people with wonderful childhoods and secure attachment. You are leaving one major phase of your life, parenthood, and looking at where you want to go, coupled with an acute sense that your time is limited. All that could make the steadiest person wobble. Compound that with a history of abuse and the emotional baggage and it can get very complicated. In many ways, long term trauma complicates the way we see ourselves so when these issues get triggered in us, as they do in everyone, the response can be much stronger.

The upside is, as my T used to say alot, we need to not pathologize EVERYTHING. Some things we do and feel are just life and our reaction to it. Not a sign of a problem with us, just being human.

AG