Dear ElizaJ, I am so sorry. Abandonment is an awful feeling and it is just there however much you don't want that feeling. Rejection is the same even feelings of transference, it just happens.

I wish I could make you feel better as I have had these feelings and know how painful and difficult they are to cope with.

There is another thread on here where someone is in a similar position.

Five weeks sounds a long time and in the therapy world it is. At least she is coming back, please hold on to that.

Could you email her what you have written on this post? I think you explained it brilliantly although I know it is only a small part of how you feel and the traumas you have had to deal with.

Could she provide you with a temporary T?

Do keep posting if it helps. We are all here to support you and understand your pain.

Caroola x

Thank you caroola for replying. I just woke up and am about to start the day; it shops to feel a little less alone.

I have arranged to see my psych Dr weekly (20min apps) while my T is away - unfortunately she is also away the first 10 days my T is. I don't think that helps my fear....

I think the heart of the terror is knowing I HAVE been in a place where I have felt absolute emotional overwhelm AND had no one or no escape from it. It's happened before - it can happen again!

Being an 'adult' MAKES NO DIFFERENCE why? Because as an adult, I've felt the same powerlessness, terror, fear and helplessness. I've been in a place where you have no one to turn to, no one to hear you, no one to help you in the worst moments of fear and pain.

The terror that sits there I KNOW is not from her going away (that is just a trigger); it's Something under the surface. My wise mind knows a few weeks away isn't much and she IS coming back. It's the emotional mind hidden deep deep within, that is terrified.

I think I'm as terrified of Finding Out WHAT is there beneath the surface.

The memory so far - Something so terrifying I ran to my room and shut myself in the cupboard where mum would shut me in as a punishment.

I cannot recall ever feeling so completely overwhelmed, ALONE, emotionally distraught and with absolutely NO ONE to turn too. I was beside myself, while at the same time realised I am truly alone - this is how it will be forever - there is no one to come rescue me. I was 9 or 10 years old. I willed myself to disappear. I closed my eyes and wished to fly away to Heaven. I was unable to cope and had no escape. An awful realisation that 'this will never ever get better'. As a child, you can't fathom the idea of 'growing up and leaving home one day' so it felt like I truly had NO ESCAPE FOREVER.

I can't even really truly link it to abandonment in that I can't access the full memory of the trauma sitting there. I've had snapshots of it for almost a year.

Part of me died that day - I have flashbacks to the cupboard where I can almost feel my soul leaving me - I have a huge sense of calm, at the same time I feel outside my body - it's very hard to explain.

I'm struggling and on the border of relapse into my ED. I binged and purged yesterday twice, missing lunch and dinner as a result; the first time I've used eating disorder behaviours in weeks. What scares me is the strongest pull to not eat. It doesn't help that I've gone off my food. My appetite - my stomach feels repulsed at the usual things I'd eat. I have supplement drinks I need to use today if I really can't eat.

If I relapse into my ED I'm in serious serious shit - I was forced to sot work for 3 months end of last year; I'm on probation with work and if I lose a few kilograms I will be again faced to stop work. My professional reputation is at stake - not to mention my only source of income

I almost lost my house, and if I was forced to stop work again, the next time, I probably would lose my house

All I can do is email my T. I feel so ashamed, but I know I need to tell her what's happening.

I'll email her now. I think it's making it worse knowing both My T and Dr will be away at the same time for 10 days.

They are my safety net. I NEED a safety net

It sounds really tough for you right now

Maybe you and your T could work on a list of things to do, that are safe and comforting, or distracting when you feel overwhelmed? Not that it is wrong to feel as you do, but to help you rescue yourself from that (familiar to me) cycle. Sort of like noticing how you feel, maybe journaling it (including perhaps writing about it here), then doing something else -even just for a bit. You probably know all this, and do these things, but I thought I'd mention them. I tend to 'know' and have times I forget that I have some strategies.

Mine are things like:

Ask a friend how they are (text/email)
go for a walk\jog
make a cake
read a favourite easy going book (currently teh No 1 ladies detective agency which I have read before)
study
do gardening
clean up the house

Take gentle care,

sb

Thanks (((SB)))

You're right - i do have a good set of different coping skills, and I do use them often - i.e. most days, many times over.

it might help to reiterate them here though:

* listen to music on my iPod

* walk the dogs

*journal

* post for support

* email my T

* watch tube videos (often i'll have a documentary on in the background while i do something else - more distraction that way

* paint / draw / write a story or poem

* cuddle my fur babies ( have 6 of them so always one or two or three around)

* lie snuggled up on the couch with my blanket and pets

* have a hot cup or decaf coffee

* have a cold fizzy drink

* have a shower, get into my PJs

* PRN meds

*visualization - being on my snowboard up the mountain and doing really good 'runs' down

* plan a video - create different scenes to music (in my head) of me snowboarding down the mountain

…

i can't read, haven't been able to settle enough to read for a few years, and i don't have a friend to call, unfortunately.

Most other things i feel unable to do - my house is in a really bad need of a clean - i have struggled with doing much around the house at all for months. i have no idea why, but going to do anything like dishes or tidying, I panic and shut down. but i will get help form a new caseworker for that soon i hope.

i managed to have a supplement drink or breakfast, had a yoghurt for morning tea and have had some peaches for lunch.

i hope to have shower now, then take my dogs for a walk to the supermarket, and get things that will be easier for me to force myself to have - easily digestible things like yoghurts, soups, toast, fruit. I've just taken some prn meds for anxiety. and i managed to go to the animal shelter this morning and do my volunteering there.

and i did email my T. I'm not expecting a reply - i didn't ask for one, as i see her tomorrow anyway. is enough to know she will have got it and read it by the time i see her 2moro.

it does help knowing i can come on here and post. it helps reiterate all the POSITIVE steps i can and am taking.

it helps to not feel so alone too.

Well done coping as well as you do

Hope today's appointment with T goes well ElizaJ.

Thank you so much SB for being 'there'....

posting helped, as did emailing my T and reiterating all the coping skills I CAN use.

I did the things I wanted / needed to. I went to the supermarket and got foods I can eat even when my appetite isn't there. I had a late lunch, and have been eating regularly today. Not what I'd suavely mana fe but I don't feel AS hopeless about my eating at this moment.

I took the dogs for a bike around the park and played ball with them.

Been on the couch cuddling my pets. With my blanket.

I spent time thinking about snowboarding - 1.5 days and I'm up there - I love it so much, I can't describe it.

If the Stuff comes up, I push it away. I see my T in the morning HOPEFULLY - as I work on call, there is the possibility I will be called into work and if I am I can't always make my T app

Well done ElizaJ, you are coping and your T should be proud of you.

Please let us know how your session goes today.



Caroola x

I really do feel for you, ElizaJ because I 've been through separation anxiety, the Transference stuff big time, and is hell when T is gone a long time. Especially bad when you're afraid to talk about it before she goes.
I can say some things that helped me, and you can see if you relate.
I saw another T for the interim, went to a group therapy, too. Not that it replaces T at all, but just takes some edge off the fear. ( I read you're doing this).
I let down some of my strict life rules by eating more things I like and doing some things special for me, and not being so strict on myself.
I got mad as H@#! and worked up redfaced rage over T being away. I beat on a stack of newspapers with a club. Getting into such anger really did give relief for awhile. Even tho you can say T deserves a vacation, it still angers the inner kid who doesn't understand. I say to myself, "I know T doesn't deserve anger, but I need to express it right now, and I will look at T's side of the issue when I'm done with getting out my anger". That way, I don't have to feel guilty and sabotage, short out, the rage.
It's always best if you can tell T your anger directly at the session, but that's a stage you might not be at yet.

Thanks Caroola. I said in my email to my t I hoped emailing her would take away some of the intesnity and reiterate what I needed to do. I think it really helps to be able to express how im feelibg to another human being who will understand - truly understand.

Skylynx - yes, anger is great! It has Saved me numerous times. Its very motivating and energising and sure beats feeling depression. I might be angry at her leaving - not at the moment anyway. I do feel I can tell her how I feel. I've been able to express to her in two emails this week how I feel about her upcoming holiday. I'm also VERY aware the abandonment terror is from the PAST - her going away is merely a trigger.

not sure how I feel this morning. I see her in 3-4 hours. It feels a lot more healing to have been able to share how im feeling.


Right at this moment I think im more worried about a work situation AND whether or bot ill get up the mountain to snowboard 2moro and Sunday as the wind forecast is for severe gales that might keep the mountain closed I NEED to get up there and hv my 2 days boarding

Feeling quite low about this tonight.

I keep having micro flashbacks whenever I think about my T leaving. It almost feels as if I'm on a countdown to a major trauma RE-happening.

It's hard to explain - but like I'm living a parallel life - one is in the now, dreading my T leaving. The other is re-living a trauma about to happen albeit 30 years ago.

I'm most worried it won't hit me the hardest until my T is gone. And then what?

But even if it hit me before she goes - it doesn't feel any safer. She feels so far away; it's been 3 days since our last session but it feels like 3 months. It's almost like my memory of her has faded that much already.

Just wish she was 'nearer'

((ElizaJ))

I am so sorry you are hurting. The pain of abandonment is something I know very well; and those fears bubble up within you like a volcanic eruption waiting to explode. Your self soothing behaviors and self care techniques impress me. You are doing an amazing job at this. I am impressed by your list you created and am planning on copying that to use myself. I struggle with feelings very much similar to what you have expressed here.

Separation anxiety is very difficult to manage, especially if the trauma you experienced relates to abandonment and the inability to hold onto the permanence of an object. When you say that your memory has faded that much already; I so get that. I deal with similar issues, even sometimes upon walking out into the parking lot after session. I can't see her, so she is not there. This is a struggle that I have been facing during my entire therapy process.

I hope you are doing well today. Is it snowboarding time??? Enjoy.

I've had separation anxiety before. I've had abandonment fear before. This is on a whole new scale

Was bittersweet seeing my T today. On one hand it was really soothing; I felt connected to her, I felt safe - namely because she really does 'get' it and she doesn't think my feelings and thoughts and all that is coming up is in any way 'stupid'.

She is taking how I'm feeling about her leaving very seriously - that in itself is so damn strange.

But it was hard too - I talked about some really difficult things. Abuse memories, of one incident I only have about 10mins worth of memories from two whole nights, where a babysitter was looking after my sister and me. A male babysitter who played the guitar.

I was really dissociated the whole session. It was the only way I could be there in any way at all. As it got towards the end of the hour I struggled so much to talk, to move. My eyes were closed the entire session. My T was trying to bringing me back - I didn't want to 'come back'. I only did because I knew it wasn't fair to her trying to go about the rest of her day if I stayed shut down in an unmoveable state in her office

It took me ages to come back once I got to the car - I had to sit there in a daze for a long time. It probably took a few hours until I felt even half not dissociated.

At least I was able to tell her why it was happening - it was happening because I was leaving her soon and it would then be another whole week until I'm there again. And at the moment, a day feels like a year - there is so much distance between us, she feels impossibly far away - and she hasn't even gone yet

I had a two hour sleep on the couch.

I woke feeling hungry - ate, and now I feel so nauseous. My fear and pain are coming out physically. I feel so so sick

((((ElizaJ)))))

Eliza

I understand how you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.

I wish I could help.

Keep letting us know how you are feeling.

Caroola x

Thank you (((SB))) and (((Caroola)))

it helps having it reaffirmed and it haloes a lot to have it be 'ok' I can keep sharing and posting how I feel.

I'm pushing down a lot of fear at the moment, pretending it isn't there - the plane being shot down over Ukraine has not helped with my huge fear of something happening to my T. If there is a car accident in my city and someone is killed I always think / fear what if it's her involved. With her going to the other side of the world, it feels like I have even less 'control' over something not happening to her. Not that I have any control over it anyway, but her being within the same city area FEELS 'safer' somehow.

I'm trying to thin of ways in which I can maintain the connection we have when she is away. Since the trauma memories have intensified my connection to her is fragile in that once I leave her room each week it feels like she wasn't ever really there to begin with.

As I told her - it's like I just imagined her and she doesn't really even exist .

I have no idea what would help me feels she is real; that feeling / fear I imagined her altogether gets so very very STEONG, I don't know if anything would help me believe she is REAL.

I had the idea of asking her what her favourite colour is .... Or favourite song (although that one feels like it's too personal and a bit threatening for me). I'm still toying with the idea of asking her to write down our next app for when she's back, in her writing with her name on the paper. I have it on a card but it's written by her receptionist.