it's over. the group ends. abruptly. ow. I hurt.

JD,

So sorry to hear about this. I'm sure this is difficult for you. It's hard to have supportive people and then lose those connections suddenly. I don't know what to say except that I am sorry for your loss. I hope you can manage to find another support group, and in the meantime that you will post here for support. Hugs to you!

MTF

Thank you MTF. I love your quote. It is so applicable. Yeah, I'll be sticking around here right now... as much as I can let myself...

because of my past, my trauma, the things that have happened... it's important for me to connect with people who are struggling to recover and figure all of this out. It's important for me to not leave my therapy work just in the therapy office. somehow, it works better as I process it and work on it in other places - like here on the forum and in this offline support group.

this group that ended, it was like an offline version of what this place is like - just maybe a little less technical but still, everyone wokring on their stuff and trying to face fears and navigate life and relationships and share and be real and support each other...

I'm gonna be around here a bit, as long as you all don't mind...

A litte more detail about what happened - mostly because I just need to get it out..

It was canceled for basically the last month except for once, and I was too sick due to a super bad cold. We used to meet weekly.

It was amazing because it was a handful of people just trying to be real sort their lives out and support each other.

And then, the guy who lead it, a trained therapist - and a good one - canceled two weeks of it - and it ended up being a month since I had gone. And he said tonight's discussion was important, be sure to come.

And I dreaded going tonight. I feared it would be about the group ending. I thought I was just having that old abandonment fear come up.

But then he said it. It's over.

I cried. I was the only one that could not hold back the endless tears. Tow others cied for a moment, but the tears just kept comming for me.

We talked about it. Those who led it, just felt like family and life stuff was coming up for them and they needed to step down to take care of that - and no one else was sure how to keep going without them. There are about 10 people total in the group (leaders included).

It was really healthy how they did talk about it - except for how aburpt it was. Several people said to them that it was hard it was so abrupt and they responded very gently and reassuingly and seeking ways to be able to end the group formally, but also still stay connected and meet up every now and then.

People said we can be friends still and connect up still...

but I have no trust in that. None. Zero. And I said I didn't. I told them I think that is a lot of my past that is roaring to the front for me, and I know it, but I can't detach from it entirely right now and trust them when they say that. I asked them if they could give me time... I got the feedback of yeah, that's ok.

And most of the time, I just cried. When the tears broke through, I stopped mid sentence and left. To breathe. I came back in and said "I'm sorry, but I am going to cry, and I am not going to run from that. That's just how it is. I accept the decision, I;m trying to understand and hear... and it's very hard for me right now. This hurts. This is sad. So I'm going to cry. If that bothers you, well, I don't know what to do. Because if I stay, I'm not going tobe able to hold back the tears."

Everyone said it was very ok. One person said they felt honored by my tears. It meant it was important, that they were important to me.

Of course that made me cry more. I managed to slowly speak the words, "yeah, you are." Another female group memeber hugged me as I cried in that moment.

Everyone got to talk and share about how they felt about ending, about the news, got to proces sit and ask wuestions of the leader and of each other (as we often have done in hte group) and got to share about things they loved and things they struggled with and what they wanted for the future.

That was really beautiful - as much as I could listen and really hear.

I couldn't say much myself. I felt so much but the only emotion I could really feel was hurt. So deep.

I said a few things to process it a bit. I stated some fears about the relationships ending and I listened to the feedback... which was no, it doesn't mean we can't be friends. (and since this is something encouraged all along amoung fellow group members this was very fitting)

...but I told them, I couldn't really hear it right now. Not really. "I am hurting so much and have so much junk and garbage around things ending abruptly that I don't trust me that I can hear you right now." They said I could email later or call and talk with anyone in the group or the leaders later on.

They said we could meet one more time. I asked, "can it be a party?"

I remembered AG's ending. This is so different in a million ways... It was a group, not a therapy group exactly but like a support group and friendship group - hard to explain exactly without taking too much time. It ws run my a therpist but we met even when he could not come. We sorta ran ourselves in some ways - almost AA style (of self running - but that's where the simillarities end.) It just hurt bad.

There was no negative thing that happened that caused the ending. I was assured of that. It was just time to move on. Move on to what? no one knows.

I just cried. One of the others in the group gave me a side hug and held me as I cried. He and I have not had the easiest relationship... and it was kinda really healing how he just held me.

I hurt so bad. I was scared. I told them. They were ok with me being scared... that was terribly reassuring. I just somehow knew they could not convince me out of my fears right now.

And throughout it, I hurt so bad... and at the end, I wanted a party. I suggested it - and everyone said that was a great idea.

So we are meeting once again, for a party. To celebrate what was good. It feels almost like a funeral - only no one died - and like much more hopeful and ok to celebrate the good that happened in our group and time together for the past 1.5 years. That will be good for me.

The loss, it is immense.

JD I was writing the following message before you posted your most recent post - so some of the stuff in it is redundant now. But I wanted to post anyway, just to let you know I’ve heard you and am thinking of you.


“Ow is right JD - I’m so sorry your group was terminated, at the very least something regular and supportive like that would have given you an ongoing sense of having a safe place to go where you didn’t have to act ‘normal’.

Did they give you reasons for the group’s finishing? It does seem odd and very unsettling to just cancel a group. Was anything else suggested for members to do in place of the group?

It reminds me a bit of Ts suddenly terminating. There may be a 1001 valid reasons for it, but it’s the effect on us that’s the most damaging - I sometimes wonder why people in the therapy/MH professions (or maybe the ‘system’ itself) don’t seem aware enough of the effect sudden endings have on people.

Is there any chance any of the group members could still meet even without its being ‘official’? I know it’s not the same when the leaders aren’t there, but sometimes such informal self regulated meetings can still be really helpful and supportive. When I came out of psych hospital a small group of us who met in the hospital continued to see each other outside for a while - and that was a really important and helpful thing for me.

Do you have the chance to attend a new group at all? It just seems such an awful thing to have happen. I hope you are ok (((( Janedoe ))))”


I’m glad you’re having the party tonight - though yeah it sounds like it could be more of a wake than a party. Maybe you could discuss with others there what options you all could come up with about finding another way of having a group?

LL

Oh and yes it would be great to see you around here more often, you’ve been doing some great posting recently - good to see!

Hi JD
We haven't officially met yet but am sending you a hug and for whattever reason this group has disbanded must mean that something better will come along from somewhere - it just seems to happen that a door closes and a window opens!! (Major cliche but it is my experience!!)
Be gentle with yourself.
Hugs
Morgs

JD, I am so sorry for your loss, how awful that there was no warning so that you could have time to work through this. I am glad you were able to show the extent of your feelings whilst in the group but I so understand that even their reassurance would not be able to calm the fears you had. This sounds like a huge loss and you need to allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the group.

I too wonder if there is anyway members of the group would want to contine meeting unofficially. However I also realise that the group dynamics of something like this is important and that any change can be extremely unsettling.

Sending you lots of hugs during this hard time

Butterfly

This stinks JD. So sorry for you. I hope someone comes up with an idea to keep you all together somehow.

Smiley

Deepfried, Lamplighter, Morgs, butterfly, smiley ~ oh I have cherished your words of comfort.

I don't have much to say of my own right now. I will write more later...

This ending, it is pulling so deeply and so much on other very abrupt (or otherwise bad)
endings...

my grief is immense.

I hope there will be ways to stay in touch with them...

I saw my T today, she is back from vacation. There was a practical matter that took up most of the time until I said wait. Then my T sai I gfot your message - want to shift and talk about the group endind? I just shook my head yes and melted into tears again.

I miss so much, so much more than even just this group. I ache.

but I am conforted that I'm not alone. Thank you all...

~ jd

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." ~ Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

"Parting is all we know of heaven
and all we need to know of hell."
~ Emily Dickinson, Parting

JD- i only have a second, just wanted to let you know i`ve read your post and i am so sorry that this happened. I can only imagine how hard this is for you. FWIW; i know this support- groups becomes very important- (no doubt it was for you) my mother is a group.psychotherap. and i "grew up" with learning how much this groups means - and equally how much it hurts when the group "fall apart". My heart goes out to you. I hope the party will be the way you want it to be. Good sugestion!
hang in there-

JD,

I'm sorry this happened. I wonder if there is another group most of you can join again? Still I realize it wouldn't be the same.

It is good about the party. I'm glad they took your suggestion.

Take care of yourself

AG, Frog, Forlorn... I was typing out a different response... I just got an email.

they scheduled the party for when I could not come. I found out... well, stuff that hurts b/c of my past.

I just emailed saying I can't come. please find another date, please...

this is stupid and small and hurts beyond reason.

I feel so small...

I'm reading your words of encouragement right now, and it helps my heart. thank you so much.

AG - Thank you.

I emailed the group, and did ask that we reschedule. It took a bit, but I did. I was clear, it would hurt to be left out.

I emailed the leader seperately. I told him how hurt I was about *how* this was ending. I told him I felt left out...

On top of everything, I found out (and he confirmed) several people knew before I did. I had asked what was up, but he said "let's wait to talk as a group. It wouldn't be fair to tell you without everyone and without discussing it as a group..." and then it turned out other knew but only vaguely or something. And, it wasn't really a dicussion about if we were ending or not, but just how that felt.

I didn't really care if others knew or not beforehand. I just was baffled - why wait to tell me and say no we will say what is up with everyone there when that didn't happen and I was trying to avoid the hell of an abrupt ending that I feared?

I got blunt. I wrote "THAT IS NOT OK WITH ME. THAT HURTS. AND, if no one cares to find a time that works for me too first before doing this, then fine. I will call everyone myself and if anyone cares, we can find a time ourselves that works to get together and do something fun. You encourage that anyhow. But all the same, if you do this w/o including me that will hurt beyond reason. Everyone said I wasn't different than anyone else. Why then am I being left out?"

He said more or less... slow down... we will find a time that works...

And he said, really no one knew. They guessed off vague info. He did actually contact the people I said knew and asked them what happened. They did more or less guess and just assumed... but still had more info than I did.

I worked hard not to assume what the "important topic" was that we were going to meet about. He said I was actually doing the right thing, and that he understands now why I had so adamantly asked to know what was up before we met. I feared it ending abruptly all the same, as hard as I worked to not assume and didn't and was thrown off when it did - as I knew I probably would be.

Then he wrote,

“Just remember Jane, we are not your abusers. We have walked with you in way that you yourself has said you didn't know what to do with. Unfortunately and sadly, you do know what to do with people who abuse you. And finding your voice is the way to go, but challenge is for you to begin to distinguish the two groups of people).”


why does this feel so awful?

he does not know my past, just knows I have PTSD and I struggle to trust. In the group we mostly talked about how to do healty relationships now and everyoen came from a little bit different backgrounds (and I found it helpful). Everyone had different but simillar issues.

In the end...

I'm acting like they are my abusers?

I am seen as an abuse victim?

Why is that hurting?

I thought with them, maybe I could be not that. Not seen as the girl broken by others - but just someone stuggling to figur eout how to do life now, just the same as others with different battles.

Why does this make me feel so ashamed and damaged?

I was treating them like my abusers?
I am seen as someone who is abused?

both may be true...

I don't want them to be.

I want to be just Jane.

What was I thinking?

am I fool?

Why in the world do I feel like I have been kicked in the chest by those words?

~ jane.

((( JD )))

Oh that’s just so awful - you know I would feel really bad if I got a message like that - for one thing it’s so patronizing, and for another, it really does come across as if he’s saying you are ‘interpreting’ what happened with the group ending, in some dysfunctional way, rather than addressing what you told him in your email.

For what it’s worth (and I’m mindful that I bring a lot of my own anger to how I read posts on here so I could be seeing this in a slanted way) I think he is being really unfair by trying to say that your (perfectly natural) reactions to the group ending and the way it’s all been handled and the fact that the party time was such that you couldn’t make it - are somehow coming from your being a ‘victim’ and seeing people as abusers - a cop out if ever I heard one. It’s belittling and dismissive and making out that somehow you’re not seeing ‘reality’. Aarrggh it’s so tricksy and puts you in a real lose-lose position, if you say how you are feeling about it, that’s not ‘correct’ because that means you are seeing them as abusers and well now that’s just not right is it (I’m being sarcastic there) on the other hand you know very well how bad it’s all made you feel and that’s not something you’ve fabricated out of nothing.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling shamed by it, though I can understand why. I hope you can find yourself a space where you can see that you’ve not been heard, and that it has very little to do with abuse and abusers and a lot to do with your legitimate feelings being invalidated.

I hope you do get to go to the party, or at least arrange to see everyone once again to say goodbye properly. Preferably without that group leader around!

Hugs to you JD

LL

LL
thank you so much for your kind words nd validation. Yeah, the more space I get from it, the more angry I am. The less... guilty and ashamed and the more just hurt and angry and -oh, it's hard to express. The more time that goes by the more I want to say, to show them, "wait, this is not my stuff, this is yours." And this still freaking hurt what you did!

yeah - you are right. It was a cop out. It's so... blurred... so pathologizing... I'M NOT THE SICK ONE. ugh.

Thanks LL - I really appreciate it.


update:

I have been treading very carefully with this whole matter. My heart is weary. The night we used to meet up this last week, I went out and "treated" myself to something and then hug out with a good and dear friend.

I did email the leader and told him his comments hurt and I did not feel they were appropriate or fair.

The leader of the group emailed back, saying he was trying to understand, and that ok, he would back off on the abuse thing. He offered to meet up - and we were supposed to do that yesterday. I got delayed, and so did he, and he said it was ok - we would just talk when I got there. I said ok, how about 12noon? he said ok - let's meet then. So I drove the 30 minutes to go meet with him and got there just at 12noon, and just as I did, he was leaving, and had texted me saying we would meet another time. When I got out of the car as he was getting into his, he walked over and said he wanted to give me more than just 20-30 minutes to talk, and that's all he had. I wanted to say - "that would be fine! we are both here..." but he was getting into his car just as I drove up and I dunno, I felt so defeated and tired and weary... all I could say was "yeah. ok."

I lost my boundaries in that moment. I normally would have said, "no, I drove all this way, can we use whatever time we have? we are both here..."

But ALL I said was "yeah, ok."

YEAH OK?

NOTHING WAS OK.

where did my boundaries go?

It was the first time I have interacted with the psychologist who lead the group, one on one in person. We have talked on the phone or via email or with one other person in person before - but never just the two of us. I think that is what shut me down.

He's supposedly gonna email another time to meet up. I'm gonna make sure I have to be that direction anyhow, just in case it falls through.

We were both there...

I drove the 30 minutes home, a bit bewildered.

No one has done anything about a party or meeting up to end, to celebrate.

I think I will in a week or so... maybe... it's just... The whole thing makes me question everything before it. All the good - and now this? Was the rest real?


I'me begining to see my reaction a little better - but totally hurt and confused and still so deeply wrapped up in it all.

I'm rambling... sorry... I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you for letting me.