Have to agree with you Draggers ....the mother!!!

The parent who did nothing, who has literally cut me off, to maintain her denial. You see for a very long time, he was the "bad" guy, but I still had this one loving parent. Breaking through the denial about the abuse was nothing compared to seeing my "loving" parent for who she really was. It was more of a loss in many ways and felt like more of a betrayal. But frankly, neither rates very high. And I have spent more time untangling the myriad ways my father screwed me up even if I do get more angry and hurt about my mom.

It's difficult when your perspective shifts and you suddenly see everything in a new way.

I guess I am the odd one out here because I still hold more anger and resentment towards the main perpetrator, my father, than I do for my mother, the enabler. This is not to say I have a good or close relationship with either of them. When it comes to trusting them as an adult child, I trust my father more than my mother to be genuine about who he is. My mom is an unreliable, wishy-washy turncoat who plays whatever side is to her advantage. ***BUT*** I recognize that my mom is also a victim, and her actions, and inaction, stem from her instinct for survival. She was not a strong protector, and perhaps she put herself ahead of her children, but I feel sorry for her because she has no idea who she is inside.

Yes when you think someone is a protector and on your side, and then he/she betrays or abandons you, and heaps the blame for it on you, its psychological crazy-making just trying to make sense of it.

Not really either because it was both. There were neighbors, other adults and family that knew but... I'm not mad at them. Not yet?

Like MH I trust my primary abuser to be genuine and I identify with them as more like me (in personality, the good parts).

I'm not done processing my loyalties, at least I feel that way.

Guess I'm the opposite as my mother was the active abuser, physically and emotionally. She also neglected me in many ways. My father was very low key and never defended me, except once when mom was raging out of control and could have badly injured me. He mostly would blame me for upsetting her. It was my fault all the time.

I guess this is why I work with a male T. His protection which he has shown to me over and over... is so very important in my healing.

TN

There was a quote by Sigmund Freud that I read a while back that resonated with this topic:


"I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection".

I gave that to my T in a card for father's day.

TN