Hi Jill,
May I point out something that might go a long way towards you're being able to have compassion on yourself in this area? When we don't have secure attachment and/or a loving, nuturing environment, we often face overwhelming feelings without the resources to handle them. A very important part of what we're supposed to learn from our attachment figures is how to regulate our feelings, identify our feelings and use those feelings to identify our needs and express them. Without all this, even really normal difficulties can become overwhelming for a child. Throw in any kind of trauma or consistent neglect and you're talking about a child facing situations so overwhelming that they're literally life-threatening, especially on an emotional level. Disassociation as a defense is a good example; circumstances are literally so intolerable that we find a way to "go away" inside our own minds.

If this is true for someone, then even after you grow up and develop more skills, power and abilities, you STILL carry the deep unconscious belief that you CANNOT handle difficult situations or the feelings that go with them; that you will be overwhelmed the way you were as a child. Although that is no longer true, you still very reasonably believe it based on your experience.

My T and I talked several times about learning to gently push myself. That when I identified myself having reactions based on my past such as avoiding things I needed to handle that I needed to extend compassion and understanding and acceptance to myself for feeling that way because I knew where it was coming from. But then I had to recognize how wrong the belief was (even though it was reasonable based on my experience) and push through the fear to learn to do it differently.

And Jill, the truth is, life IS hard, life contains pain, sometimes a lot of it. But it also contains joy, and love, and good things. Learning to embrace the hard stuff as just another part of life can be hard, but it is also how we open ourselves to the good stuff which is what allows us to feel its all worth it. When we are really busy avoiding pain or uncomfortable emotions in the belief we can't handle them, we shut ourselves off from so much that makes life worth living. At least I did. Passing through the suffering is how we grow to embrace more of life. We look for a safe place where we will never get hurt again, when what we need to learn is that we can keep ourselves safe no matter what happens. That was a long, difficult journey for me and I didn't even understand what my T was saying the first 50 or so times he told me this. But I eventually got it and it has made all the difference in the world. Hang in there.

And as far as your T nodding, talk to her. You really may have imagined it. And if you didn't and you're both bored, that's an important piece of information and may be a sign of avoidance on your part. Before this sounds like I'm attacking or criticizing you, the reason I say this is that when I am trying to stay away from something, I babble. Really fast, and include incredible amounts of detail. It was often in catching a certain expression on my Ts face (kind of a "oh dear, we're doing THAT today, I must endure" ) that I would realize I was doing it. One of my most important breakthroughs in therapy came because my T stopped me about 15 mins into a session and said "you seem agitated and like you're speaking very quickly (I had identified my pattern for him several times so he was familiar with it), do you know what's going on with that?" Looking at that led to a breakthrough about an issue I had been struggling with literally since the first time I ever went to see him alone (this was over two years later). So look at it. I know, please know I know, that what I'm asking you to do can be terrifying. But walking into the heart of fear often seems to be how we heal.

AG

PS Just for the record, a lot of this post was me talking to myself, especially in terms of enduring suffering. So thanks for this post.

ag, you are so wise. i have read and re-read what you wrote, and am trying to embed it into my mind.

your quote: "When we are really busy avoiding pain or uncomfortable emotions in the belief we can't handle them, we shut ourselves off from so much that makes life worth living. At least I did. Passing through the suffering is how we grow to embrace more of life. We look for a safe place where we will never get hurt again, when what we need to learn is that we can keep ourselves safe no matter what happens."

i think it is so great that you had a t that didn't mind telling you something 50 times, and that you were able to trust yourself needing to hear it 50 times. i think i am so trying to be the good little student/client that i must act like i embrace these things but emotionally i have not crossed the threshold.

it helps to read what you said. and i will try to be more forthcoming to my t that they are going to need to tell me this stuff 50 times!!

you are a kind soul, ag, thanks for listening! jill

friends, this is a quote i read last night googling self acceptance...


"Self acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory." - J. Donald Walters


ag, it kind of build upon what you said so well. hope it helps someone out there...yes, the numbness...that also prevents the good stuff, i gather...not just the bad....and the TENSION keeping the numbness is wearing me out!!

jill

quote:

That was a long, difficult journey for me and I didn't even understand what my T was saying the first 50 or so times he told me this. But I eventually got it and it has made all the difference in the world. Hang in there.

Jill...I have to echo what AG said here....last night, in my session, I told T that when he had told me something...yes, like 50 times before, I would leave his office and think...what the hell does that mean or yea, sounds good in theory, but how the hell do you do that. I told him last night that the light bulbs are starting to go off! I said, you've told me a million times, but until I was ready to embrace it or I had enough knowledge to get it, it was just something that would frustrate me. So, yes, acceptance....sounds so simple doesn't it? hang in there...Hals...

maybe i need to accept that my depression is here to stay, just at different levels. and that all of it is not due to my parents unacceptance and lack of love, or, that, even if it majority due to my childhood, that that is just, that, and depression is here to stay.

i really can't see it changing. have always thought it was a chemical thing with me, and that antidepressants were just a part of my life. but really, there are side effects, and for some reason, this middle road, lack of feeling intensly, while good, when they are bad feelings, it just seems to numb me out. the highs i felt are just not there. i can't seem to 'enter' life. so confused here. not desparate, just numb, and an underlying anxiety i can't quite put my finger on.

again, i want to take off the blinders (anti-d) and see what is reality. but, then IF it is a chemical thing, am i just starting another viscious loop??

oh, the holidays. what a pulling time this is...the 'shoulds' dictate all the way down, to, i SHOULD be feeling magically merry and glee!!

depression sets in, jill

Hi All,

DF and Hals, thanks for chiming in and backing up my experience of just how long and how much repetition it can take to get something to sink in. I really wish you could have all been there to see me hearing the same stuff over and over and over, I don't think I'd look quite so wise.

Jill,
I just wanted to say something about the anti-depressants. I am still on them (Welbutrin XL 300 mg/daily) and expect to be probably the rest of my life. I function really well on Welbutrin with very little side effects (a little dry mouth essentially). I don't feel different when I'm on it, so much as there's a floor underneath me, I only fall so far, but don't sink down into the depths. I also have a full range of emotion on this drug.

I used to really believe that meds were something I would only use as long as I was in therapy, as another tool I was using in order to heal. But I've done a fair amount of reading about brain structure, and the effect of long term trauma. And the current research (this is pretty new area, so admittedly, things could change. They don't completely understand exactly how ADs work at this point.) has proven that long term trauma actually affects the physical development of the brain because of the presence of high cortisol levels due to stress. That the receptors in the brain of victims of long term childhood trauma actually don't produce as much serotonin as a person in a control group with no long term trauma. So now I view it the way I would a diabetic. There body isn't producing something they need, insulin, that in someone else would be there. So ADs are my insulin. And rather than be upset that I have to depend on them, I'm grateful there available. And I never thing twice of the meds I take regularly for hypertension and asthma. Why should this be different?

Of course, the asthma may also be attributable to the trauma as they have also proved a connection between long term trauma and an impaired immune system. As much as we like to think of our mind being separate from our bodies, the truth is that there are intimately intertwined and both part of who we are.

AG

ag, thanks. yes, i have read that too, and that makes sense. that hyper0vigilance has got to effect your brain development.

i gather you sleep well on wellbutrin? that really messed with my sleep. too bad, too, i liked the decreased appetite.

and yes, i can handle being on anti-d's for the rest of my life, a small price to pay for sanity. i just haven't gotten to the sanity yet.

onwards, though. thanks, jill

Hi Jill,
I sleep fairly well on it (I've always had some insomnia but it's no worse on it than off. ) But I do take it first thing in the morning which seems to help. And I agree, I like the decreased appetite. I'm overweight enough, without a drug increasing my appetite. That's why I got off my first AD, Nortripyline.

AG